Norse OFL Frozen Tallywackers

timdog

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I am not sure that I will remember to update here but I will try. Here's a link to the OFL forums where it should be found:
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ERA 5

Coach Timdog steps up to the Mic

"Over the last 3 era's I've been around the block a bit. In my first Era in the league I played some mighty Norsemen who penetrated into the playoffs but never went as deep as I was striving for.

Two Era's ago I fell off the wagon and played some drunken chaos team who was great at causing carnage but didn't have the staying power to penetrate any further than my Norse.

Last era I played with some big balls, and that was satisfying, but nothing can be as satisfying as playing with my tallywacker so I'm happy to announce that I am once again coaching The Frozen Tallywackers!

Two members of the old team are available and ready to start up this new franchise with me - the mighty Unr Kegsplitter, Yethee of Doom. With 46 cas (49 with playoff) in his first two league seasons, he looks to break the charts as the deadliest big guy this era - if he can stay alive! And Yogurt gun brings some good ball handling skills (since we all know it can't be only about the tallywacker ;)) and a steadying presence to help the rookies get into the swing of things.

Just to remind everyone, here's our team motto (newly revised for the new Era): Norse teams have a well deserved reputation for big penis's both on and off the playing pitch. The Norse that takes up Blood Bowl is a truly unedifying specimen, interested only in beer, women and shaking his huge throbbing wang at the helpless opposition. This team is a perfect example of the species! This proud and mighty Norse Team is happy to re-spring on the OFL. This team makes no bones about being bigger, tougher and meaner than the opposition. The coaches’ very aggressive style has thus far worked, as he plans to keep thrusting his boys deep into the thick of things and then have his way with the opposition.
 
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timdog

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Roster

King Dong and Flesh Tower: Pillars of strength and toughness, these strongmen will give me something to set my back against as I thrust deep into the opposition. (I pray that these will be the backbone I build this team around. Last time around my were's turned over more than any other position so I never had a good reliable pair over 2 seasons. It was very frustrating).

Meat Sword: The first of two zerkers I plan to buy, the rigid and pointy sword I use to penetrate the velvety curtains of whomever I face.

Yogurt Gun: the wily veteran thrower who will lead this team with a cannon for an arm (in addition to a certain other part ;)). He should be able to master a new skill early into the year. Strong arm, +MV, block, Pass, Surehands and Leader.

Unr Kegsplitter: the other veteran player, A beast of a yethee who I will need to be on point in the early matches to exhaust the other teams players and drive my team to victory on the strength of his frenzy. Will have to be very careful about piling on. (The name means Big Hairy Balls in Norse. Really. It's not that I forgot to re-name him when I hired him. at all. Move on.)

Baby arm, Jackal MeOff (Love you Jackal!), Hugh Jardon, Jack Coff, Beaver Basher and Dipstick join the team as willing expendable tallywackers that will be thrown will nilly at whatever target I see until they succumb to the inevitable exhaustion. Almost all of these men were specially selected by team scouts so we are eager to see how many of them the scouts got right.

The team is looking for 3 more players in the future: Beefflute (zerker), DeepV Diver and Lap Rocket (Runners)
 

timdog

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Dvision:

Damek (Dark Elf)
Hammer (Chaos Pact)
Gym (Lizardman)
Timdog (Norse)

Yowouch! Not a great draw for Norse as both Pact and Lizards will have a significant str advantage once they get past the "take block" level of development. I will be OK there for the first season, but two and three could suuuck.

Damek has won 4 championships already, the dude is amazing on positioning and unless elves roll 1,1 they win. So i'm not looking good there.

And as an extra nuffling, all 3 teams have picked up a +str player already. This makes a norse problem of being outstrengthed worse. Will need some good guard lineman early and to live! Certainly looking forward with some trepadation now.

FA's are killers in this division - The Pact team is already packing a cpomber and a +str delf, the lizards are the least scary with only a +str krox and a block saur, and the delves have a +str mb and all kinds of other scary toys blitzer. i have no tackle on the team, so that elf in particualr will just walk all over me i figure, and facing mb early is pretty scary for him to get a numbers advantage - my mb is tied to a loner wild animal.

The delf game is probably a write off, i figure i have a shot against both lizards and pact but a) need the big guys on pact to fail and b) need my big guy to show up. Looking at the draw now, i think i'm regretting that i went for my thrower and not a second killer FA!
 

timdog

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Good luck Tim, I'm rooting for you! Just do to Dameks Delfs what you did to mine in MD2 of last season!

And NOT what i did to you in MD 15 which was sweet F ALL lol

I think im set up to lose the hurty battle - I have a nice hurty peice, but he IS a WA loner whereas the Elves have a beatuy blitzing mb piece to hit me with every round, Pact have a CPOMB to hit me with, and the lizards have a ton of str 4. i need them to roll some bad block dice! Thankfully they only have 2 rerolls so hopefully the ballahndling and/or blocking goes bad early for them.
 

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Game 1: Vs Jurassic Park Diners.

"Well my boys, i'm happy to say the schedule is almost done, and we know we have those lizards on deck first. Sure, they have a lot of strength on their saurs, but they are largely skill less in the blocking department, so we should be able to have some success there. They also don't have any ball handlers and only 2 rerolls, so if luck is good to us they'll not be able to scurry all over us willy nilly either.

Kegsplitter, you'll like this. Raptor Jesus is back in the league" A big grin crawls across the Yethees face. "for those who are new, the last time these two beasties clashed Raptor Jesus "walked" away with a broken neck."

The Yethee grins and flexes his claws

"He's pretty strong, but he's sloppy in technique so Kepgsplitter should stack up pretty well. Keg, if we are gonna be in this game we need those claws of yours removing people right off the go. If they get lucky on their block dice, our armor ain't gonna hold and we will be outnumbered right quick.

Go out there and make me proud boys, start the season off well with some new handbags!!!!"


It's a solid team and a good coach, and a great theme team, but probably my best shot at a win out of my first 3, Mostly due to inferior FA pickups compared to the other two teams - they are solid but nothing terribly scary or exciting. We both have low rerolls and no bench, so my relying on 1D's will be as risky as him relying on his 2D's. This one will be decided by nuffles will of cas removal - the first team to get people moving off the pitch probably take it.
 

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"Ack, WTS was that you useless bastards!

Ok, I get it, the ref let them move early on Defense and re-set up so it forced us into some bad blocks. TOUGH, IT F*CKING HAPPENS!

You, you useless ball of hairy sh*t "pointing at the Yethee" what the sh*t was that? One hit from that Jesus guy and you crumple like a little b*tch?" An aid runs up and whispers in his ear " I don't f*cking care what kind of Jesus he is!!!!! Dinosaur or not, He should still be able to take a hit from him!

And you you pussy "pointing at Yogurt gun" all you had to do on turn 4 was make the extra step, and if you HAD to fall down like some European football player, at least not knock your dumb ass out! We had a decent shot at a score there.

Dipstick, it was a good foul you laid out, but you know what's more important? NOT GETTING CAUGHT!!! One freaking foul in the entire match, and caught first time. Find me some bribe money already.

Meatsword, you got put out of the game by a skink. A skink. Honestly. I don't even ....GAH. Just go away, I don't even want to look at you right now.

And doc, come here. COME HERE. Why in the shit did you say Yogurt gun was dead? I said, and I quote, "He's clutching his hand, look at his hand. I can see him moving, he's writhing and cradling his hand". And you called back from the field "I'm pretty sure he's dead boss" and DID NOTHING TO FIX THE GOD DAMN HAND!!! Do you have any idea how bad a position that puts us next week???

"And it's my masturbating hand" floats in a weak voice from behind the curtains.

"SHUT THE F*CK UP YOU PANSY, A real man would be on the pitch next week, smashed hand or not.

King Dong, you are the only player on the team that I can live with. Way to dodge out and smash a skink last turn, atta boy.

This is going to be a long ass season if this is how you all are going to play. No masturbating before the next match! I want to see you all angry and throbbing for the next match."
 

timdog

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Yeah, turn 1 BH really put me in a bind - he was my only threat to the lizard team, so if i didn't use the apoth i was going to (and did) lost the match, but i didn't want to screw my season by taking something worse later.

you know, like a smashed hand that the doc wanted to turn into a death /eyeroll!
 

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A lone figure walked up the coaches door. The figure paused at the door, then pushed the door open.

"Uh, boss?" said Yogurt gun as he pushed open the door.

"What the heck do you want" snarled a somewhat diminished coach Timdog.

"Well, no one on the team has seen you since week 2. The news people indicate that you didn't even stop to talk to them, and you never sent in your statement all week. You just stormed off to your office and slammed the door. That was over a week ago. We were just worried about you...." at this point Yogurt gun stopped and noticed what was in the room. Carrots, a veritable pyramid of tins of slim fast, apples and other vegetables was staring back at him. Gone was the usual chips, booze, beef jerky and donuts that were balanced on every corner of the room.

"Oh god, not this again" Yogurt Gun mumbled.

"What was that?" said Timdog

"Nothing, nothing boss" said Yogurt Gun, no edging backwards toward the door. "I uh, just wanted to let you know that we went ahead and played week 3"

"Holy shit, what????It's not even match day yet"

"Well, it was real close, and both us and the other team happened to be in the same place at the same time....."

"Well, did you take it up the ass again as you limp tools have been doing this year" coach mumbled, grabbing a foot long carrot and ganwing on it.

"Um, no boss, we won"

"How the hell did you do that? That other team was stronger, faster, had better hands and had more killy skills "

"Well, in large part to the ref. Apparently he too was bored with our last few week's games cause I think he never once even looked at us. We "helped" fallen opponents off the pitch all game and the ref never noticed"

"Heheh, that hooker-o-gram really did work then"

"What???"

"Nothing, nothing, keep going"

"well, I was able to get the ball in the endzone in the first half finally with a really sweet block from Meatsword, and the second half just sort of - worked, even though it shouldn't have". Meatsword again was the star in the second half, he by himself knocked the ball free from the dirty steroid abusing dark elf on the other team."

"Great news! At least somthing's going right then. Did we get any of these rookies to get some skills yet?

"Well, no, mostly just me and Kegsplitter again"

"well keep on it, we do need OTHER people to skill up to you know. Anyhting else I need to know?"

"Well, two people will be sitting out next week, Flesh Tower and Baby arm. But they aren't badly hurt, they will be fine"

"arrgh, Flesh tower I will miss next week. Ah well, nothing to be done about it. Thanks Gun"

Yogurt Gun turns to leave, then paused and turns back. "So, uh, how's it going "gesturing to all the diet stuff in the room"

"Well, I've lost about 16 pounds in the last 2 weeks"

"Wow, that's great!"

"I'm always fucking hungry. And grumpy. I've seen Joe Peschi in my mirror like 8 times a day since I started this stupid diet."

"Well, uh, it's still good, right? You must be almost to your goal weight "Gun managed to deliver that line with an almost straight face, although a slight lip quiver betrayed him.



A few minutes later Yogurt Gun pushed open the door to the team locker room. He was covered with a thick white liquid and several orange cylindrical objects were poking out from various parts of his body"

"Jesus, what the hell happened to you?"

"Coach Timdog is dieting again" mumbled Yogurt Gun as he walked awkwardly toward the shower. "I'd not mention it, unless you want a carrot up the ass" he said over his shoulder as he waddled to the shower.
 
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