Khemri The Nuffable Newbies

[Stratovarius]

Current Record: 3-5-3

Current Roster:
Bob, TG - Mighty Blow, normal pending
Brad, TG - Guard
Bill, TG - Guard
Barry, TG - Mighty Blow
Aaron, BR - Mighty Blow
Andrew, BR - Mighty Blow, +Movement, Tackle
Scott, S - Guard
Sam, S
Stuart, S
Steve, S
Shawn, S
Tim, TR - Block, normal pending
Tom, TR - double pending

 

[Stratovarius]

So, this is the story of the me learning to play against humans (living people, not pink squishy things with catchers). Because I like bashing and am a bit of a masochist, I'm playing Khemri. First game was against Ravers, who kindly rolled a 1000tv High Elf squad. Team was a 3 RR/4 TG/2 Blitz/5 Skelly mixture.

It was a confusing time for the bedraggled lot of Khemri, newly dug from their grave by some not so kindly prospectors. Indeed, those greedy souls had been most aggrieved to find that they had unearthed nothing more than the bandaged corpses of the long dead. Although when they had discovered that what they had unearthed appeared to be a Blood Bowl team, they had quickly drawn up paperwork, and signed on as the agents of the Khemri, shipping them off (with the Khemri rather bemused by what was going on) to the Auld World, where the team was enlisted into the league before they really quite knew what was happening.

Mere days after their resurrection, said Khemri found themselves on a Blood Bowl pitch, staring across at a rather shiny and haughty band of High Elves, their armour much more impressive than the bedraggled rags that enwrapped the mummified creatures. The banner over the Khemri sidelines that said "Nuffable Newbies" in large, shoddily painted on, script hardly helped.

And then the ball was in the air, having been kicked by a skeleton with nothing better to do, and the match was on, with the crowd wondering what they were going to see from these "Newbies". For the first turn or so, there was little action, with the largest of the Khemri knocking over those elves who failed to avoid their range, although one poor lineelf was removed from the game permanently, and the rest of the Newbies quickly realizing that their flanks were rather unprotected.

This became more apparent as within a few turns, the elves were safely ensconced over the midpoint line and in advantageous position. But they had left the back of their formation open, and with a swift charge, a more heavily armoured member of the Newbies was able to sprint around and successfully dislodge the ball from the elves' leader!

What followed was a mad scramble in the crowd, the ball having been nudged over the sideline by the tackle. First the supporters of the elves, recognizable by their rich regalia and high-in-the-air noses, charged forward, but then the rougher crowd, who favoured the hitting of the Khemri, shoved away their foppish rivals and tossed the ball back onto the pitch. Their aim was somewhat helpful to the Newbies, in that in landed far away from any elves. On the other hand, it landed almost in the Khemri endzone, meaning that should any elf outrace the Newbies to the ball, they would score momentarily.

But the elves were too slow! A lumbering charge by several slower members of the Newbies and one armoured player was enough to cover the ball, with the more dextrous player being able to even retrieve it from the pitch. However, the elves had flooded after, being able to outrace the more ponderous mummies, and after a mistake in positioning by the ballcarrier, were able to dispossess the Khemri and run the ball in for a score. However, somewhat away from the main action, the mummified giants had managed to strike two elves quite hard on their glistening helmets, rendering them temporarily unconscious.

The ensuing kickoff saw the ball sail out of bounds, the opposing elf having had a bit too much of his daily tipple before striking the ball. It was subsequently placed into the hands of one of the giant mummies, the prospector who was guiding the team having found this an amusing thought. Plus, it wasn't like those elves were going to be able to remove it from the ballcarrier's powerful grasp.

The elves played carefully, utilizing space as a defence, giving ground where they could and avoiding contact with the cage around the ballcarrier and the duo of mummies that trundled across the pitch as a screen. But having started the drive with only eight players, they were slowly forced back, especially as two more of their number fell victim to the heavy strikes of the Khemri.

At last, the final play of the half arrived, and the elves had screened up between the mummy possessed of the ball and the scoring area, and had double covered the primary candidate for the handoff. Yet with so few players left standing, there was bound to be a hole in their defence, and it came when a single elf was left in range of both a mummy and an armoured player. The mummy struck the elf to the side moments before the ballcarrier handed his charge off to the armoured one, who then sprinted for the endzone, stumbling as he crossed the line but remaining upright!

A Tomb Guardian handing off to a Blitz-Ra for a GFI into the endzone is probably the least likely scoring play I've ever had, especially as it only needed a reroll on the endzone tripwire.

***

As the second half opened, the Newbies found themselves being cheered rather loudly by the crowd, their risky play at the end of the prior period having been rather to their liking. Amongst the actual players, however, there was rather more concern than cheer. They were about to receive the ball, except a quick check of their team revealed absolutely no one who knew what to do with the spiked sphere. Especially now that the heavens had opened and begun to drop rain onto the pitch.

On the other hand, they still possessed a three player advantage, their high elven opponents having decided to stay sleeping on the sidelines rather than return to the field of play. Thus heartened, the prospector waved his armoured teammates to the back of the pitch, hoping that their ability to retrieve the objective in the first half might prove equal to the task ahead of them.

And so it proved, much to both the amusement and chagrin of the high elvish coach, who could be seen shaking his head and laughing on the far sideline. Clearly, he had angered the fates in some way when he had picked this team, for his elves had proven adept mostly at simply falling over themselves in their haste to escape the slow but powerful strikes of the large mummies.

His smile could only grow stiffer and wider as the match progressed, for the Khemri seemed to time their strikes with unerring accuracy to hit the weak points in the high elven armour, removing player after player from the pitch until only five remained. One of them was brave enough to attempt a final strike to knock the ball free, but struck to the ground and off the pitch after his attempt had failed.

Now free of any entanglements, the ballcarrier jogged into the endzone, smiling as the crowd rained down cheers upon him. It was strange, to think that such a short time before he had been quiescent, sleeping away the centuries in his long dug grave, and yet here he was, a star upon the field of Blood Bowl. Or at least the star of the moment.

After some ineffectual pokes and prods by the elves, the Nuffable Newbies swept their scoring hero onto their rather bony shoulders and charged off the pitch, enamoured of their performance on this day.

The prospector, though... he counted his money with glee, but somewhere in the back of his mind was a little nagging voice, telling him "It just couldn't be this easy...".

This was a match that the dice had decided long before we actually set up to play. Despite having no block except on the two Blitz-Ras, I only had to reroll two the entire game (double skulls and double both down). There was also the continuous inability of the High Elves to dodge away from any Khemri in the first half, as well as the steady trickle of injuries and KOs. Combine that with ballhandling luck that should have seen me scrobbling about in the dirt for the ball for turns on end and instead avoided a single failed roll, there wasn't really much Ravers could do. Nuffle really didn't favour him on this day.

 

[crimsonsun]

Always good to see some new bones about filling out the Khemri line up and a win against Elves is never an easy task so well played! Are you joining the forthcoming Crunch Cup by any chance?

Anyway happy hunting and enjoy bullying all those teams that are weaker than you! Why because you can!

 

[Stratovarius]

It would probably be a good way for me to get experience, but I haven't signed up yet. Still rather new here, after all. On the other hand, point me in the right direction and I probably will!

And what else are Tombs for?

 

[Ravers]

Very nice write up to match your deserving win on the pitch. I'm not one to make excuses (other of course than to blame Nuffle, Jack Daniels, playing at 1am after a hard day drinking, suspiciously heavy elven boots rendering dodging an impossible art, suspected elven heritage in those surprisingly agile 'Agi 2' khemri's - possibly a bit of Chorf Bull Centaur mixed in there as well, and of course my neighbours cat).

Hope to see you on the field again soon

 

[Stratovarius]

So, the Khemri had their second game since being resurrected from the grave today... which went a fair way to showing how inexperienced their coach was.

The game was against a freshly rolled Norse squad focused on bashing, with 8 Linesman, 2 Ulfs, and the Snow Troll, and the combination of block and frenzy began to depitch Khemri from the jump.

Rather foolishly, I left three TG on the LOS, and one was KOed by the shaggy monster right away, and never woke up for the rest of the game. Then the Ulfs knocked away the other two up front, shattering open the front of the defence. The last of the TGs got dragged away bashing a wing lineman, which rendered him mostly out of the play for the first half.

From there, a fairly poorly organized column/screen defence was slowly reduced, mostly by the Ulfs picking whichever defender was closest to the sideline (usually a skeleton) and crowd-surfing the poor unfortunate. To ensure this happened, the Norse drove forward as close to the near sideline as possible.

By the end of the drive, there were far too few defenders to capitalize on a vanity pass being fumbled, so it was safely retrieved and carried in for the first score.

The second half began just as well as the first, with the ball coming to rest on the end line near one of the corners, forcing both Blitz-ras and some skellies to go back and retrieve/protect the ball while the Tombs attempted to hold off the oncoming rush. But with the wings denuded by a need to cage the ball, the Norse swarmed around the end, with the Snow Troll bashing out one of the TGs on the way there.

Already a positional up, the Norse focused on marking cage corners and slowing down the already slow Khemri offence, until at last they were able to knock down a sidecage corner using the Snow Troll and pin the ballcarrier. From then on, it mostly became an exercise in crowdsurfing, with the two TGs still standing attempting to bash their way back towards the ball carrier, but always held up by screens of linesman.

An Ulf ran in the ball on the final play to complete the match.

On the upside, the Newbies made enough from the match to hire their first Thro-Ra, and proved that regeneration is a wonderfully handy skill to have. Despite a large number of injuries (7), only one skeleton is MNG. And that my Blitz-Ras continued to show their elven blood, only needing one RR on a dodge or pickup.

Noticed mistakes:

• Using TG as lineman on defence.
• More generally, not keeping the TG mobile - they were always getting caught up, or getting pushed out of position by the Ulfs.
• Not switching from defending to inflicting pain when the defence started to go south. There was a chance of at least forcing a quick score.
• Being unable to cope with a deep kick, or maintain a compact formation. I'm getting the impression I spread my team out too far lining up for offense.
• There's more, but that's enough for now I think.

 

[Stratovarius]

The Newbies, seeking both redemption and experience, found themselves on the playing field once more. This time, their ranks were bolstered by the addition of a rather unusual specimen that the prospectors had only just been able to revive, one who appeared to be perhaps better suited to ballhandling than those who had been forced into the role so far. They were also missing one of their number, a skeleton who had fallen victim to the brutal beating of the Norse and was taking longer than usual in his regeneration.

Still, with a full eleven players they felt confident enough to accept the challenge of a rather foul and smelly opponent, an opponent whose rotting flesh seemed held together by little more than the willpower of their coach. And leading their number was a particularly foul creation, all writhing tentacles and slug-like appendages. Thankfully, he had only three lesser beings of foulness to support him, along with a pestilential beast and a large collection of shambling wrecks.

Feeling it was the done thing in a match such as this, the prospector who had remained as their coach sent on the defence, choosing to kick to the foul beasts in the hopes of delaying them and utilizing the second half to grind them down. In light of the course of the game, this was perhaps not the brightest decision.

The match opened with the kick landing almost atop the pestilential beast in the centre of the opponent's half, and was quickly followed by a demolition of those skeletons who had stepped forward to defend the line of scrimmage, one being badly hurt and the other two saved only by their thickened skulls. This was followed by a small number of the shamblers dragging themselves forwards in an attempt to entangle the second line of defence, comprised primarily of the mummies.

As was no doubt intended, this tactic slowed the movement of the greatest of the Khemri, as they were able to knock their opponents away, but not materially change the shape of their lines. This continued as the half ticked away, the diseased creations pushing their way forwards at a slow pace, and the Newbies' defence becoming somewhat more ragged and permanently engaged, especially as a pair of their skeletons had decided to join their compatriot on the sidelines for this drive.

At last, on turn six, the pestilent beast saw an opening, and sprinted around the lefthand side of the pitch, lightly screened by a few of the shambling hulks. But he had miscalculated the distance to the skeleton acting as a flank marker, and while the skeleton was not strong enough to take down the creature on its own, it was able to shove the poor beast into the range of one of the mummies, who saw to it that the ball was promptly deposited on the ground, albeit mostly within the ranks of the diseased.

There followed a mad scramble over the ball, as the two teams became enmeshed fighting for control of it, a pair of the mummies being able to batter their way in, with the assistance of a pair of smaller Khemri, but on the last turn, the pestilent beast, now recovered from his earlier abuse, was able to grasp the ball, charge around the flank, and heave it towards a shambling hulk, carefully positioned nearby the endzone. Sadly for the pestilential ones, the sphere clattered to the ground harmless, and the half ended, aside from a few shoves from the Newbies.

The second half opened with only ten of the Khemri on the field, their newly revived teammate having decided that he was rather too unnerved by the sport of Blood Bowl at present to come join his compatriots, once again forcing the two armoured members of the team into the role of makeshift team leaders.

The Khemri formed themselves into two groups, the largest and most powerful, along with a few skeletons, forming up on the line of scrimmage, where their powerful blows were able to overwhelm even the foul tentacle creature, unfortunately without much damage. The remaining four, consisting of the armoured ones and two minor teammates, charged over towards the ball, being forced once more to retrieve it from the very corner of the pitch, absolutely the situation they did not wish to see.

It was doubly frustrating for the Newbies, for they had lined up in such a way as to slightly overload the line, using their last mummy to hold one edge. So the kick was perfectly placed to the far side. However, they were able to scoop the ball off the ground with ease.

This ease soon disappeared, as the foul creatures of the opposing team blitzed aside the skeleton marking the near corner, and sprinted around the more imposing team members to take advantage of the open sidelines. Despite the ballhandler attempting to sprint across the pitch to the more open side, he and his defenders were slowly entangled by the opposition players, unable to dodge aside whenever a marker was able to gain position.

All except the ballcarrier himself, who once more proved his utmost talent for the job by slipping away from the grasp of one of the largest foul creatures and into a fairly reasonable defence. Unfortunately, the last team member who would have been needed to form a cage around him showed no such skill, and found himself on the ground and the ballcarrier exposed to that same warrior whom he had so recently avoided.

What followed was a close repeat of the second half, with the pestilent beast dodging in to retrieve the sphere after some assistance from his teammates. Except that this time, it was the former ballcarrier who was able to dispossess his opposing number, scattering the ball fairly near to the Newbies' endzone.

For a second time, the beast dodged in, grabbed the ball, and attempted a pass towards a shamble who had snuck free in the confusion, and once again the attempt clattered to the ground, done in by the presence of the nearby defenders, thus ending the half and the whole game.

After the match, the last member of the team found himself revived, his makeup being substantially similar to that of the player who had spent much of the game hiding on the sidelines. And the overly nimble armoured Khemri found himself rather better at hitting opponents than he had surmised. Perhaps he should try that in future...

Once again, Ravers and I played a CTA match, this time his 1030 Nurgle team. With the MNG skeleton and the new Thro-Ra, the Newbies were identical TV. Fairly evenly matched (ie, no skills anywhere), I should have been done in by an inability to guard the flanks that saw our formations at one point turn vertical across the field, but thankfully, while the dice were kind to Ravers on bashing, they hated any attempt of his to score. Or of me to injure, since stuns were few and far between and the only KO or Injury was a dead Rotter on turn 15.

The major takeaway from this match is much the same as the last one, but I think one primary cause is not using the proper starting formation/leaving too many players back to cage the ball right away, rather than screening nearer the LOS and letting the ballcarrier bring it up. I was effectively playing 6 on 11 at the start of the second half, with two skellies and both blitz-ras being off retrieving the ball.

 

[Stratovarius]

Their confidence somewhat restored by the near-run match against the pestilential ones, the Newbies charged into battle against Araneae, a goblin based squad with a rather unhealthy lust for spiders. Fully equipped with all the various odds and ends that goblins consider legal on the Blood Bowl pitch, they were also gifted a pair of bribes by the officials in order to make up for their supposed shortcomings.

The match started with the Newbies' coach noticing that one of the skeletons sitting happily on the bench had a broken collarbone, suffered at the hands of a Norse Ulfsark two matches ago, and that he should have been quietly returned to the tombs where he was found, the rest of the team none-the-wiser. As it was, such actions would have to be undertaken after the game.

The Khemri's attention was rather distracted when a goblin foaming at the mouth and wielding a giant flail charged forward into those skeletons unfortunate enough to be placed at the line of scrimmage. Those that survived the beatings it administered were promptly set upon by trolls. Which aren't exactly goblins. Was there no end to the cheating of the goblins?

Thankfully, the goblins, despite their rather muscular front line, had forgotten that the objective of the game was to actually score the football, and so did little more than stumble over it on their way towards the line, earning the Newbies a turn of respite.

Seeing an opening, the heaviest hitter on the team sprinted around the troll serving as a guard, but was able to do little more than send the goblin guarding the ball stumbling backwards. Others came up behind him, none able to get quite close enough to the ball, while the rest of the team arranged themselves into a screening formation.

From there, the match progressed slowly, with Araneae staying true to form and fouling regularly, either through use of repeated unseen kicks to those Newbies they were able to isolate, or via the massive swinging flail of their most overexcited member. Why, that particular player even chose to take a swipe or two at his own teammates. Sadly, they showed their skill at dodging away from his attacks.

The next moment of importance came when the front markers of the Newbies, urged on by their teammates (who stayed at a safe distance), charged in and sacrificed the largest of them to knock the flailing berserker to the ground and out of the game. However, such play allowed the goblins to make progress down the righthand flank, which forced the Khemri to respond by flooding in that direction. Doubly so when the initial screener on that side, a skeleton, was knocked into the ground so hard he awoke moments later in the substitute's box, unsure of how he arrived.

This overplaying allowed Araneae an opportunity to strike cleanly, knocking out another of the skeletons and switching back to the left flank, it being thinly defended, and by players already marked (admittedly, by creatures who continually ended up on their backs. A truly noble sacrifice).

Two of the fleeter Newbies were able to position themselves in the way of the ballcarrier, but found themselves marked tightly by his compatriots. Thus, unable to get to the ball, they decided to start taking out their frustrations on the small opponents continually underfoot. Despite a series of bashes and even a swift group kick to an unsuspecting troll, they were able to do little more than encourage the goblins to score, having injured only one player during the match so far.

Their efforts were put to shame on the ensuing kick, as an a fan, enraged at the cheating of Araneae, tossed a bottle from the stands and struck a goblin cleanly, injuring him off the pitch. A brief period of fighting followed, which saw a goblin struck unconscious and unable to return, and the newly resurrected passers demonstrate that they had none of the skilful ancestry of their armoured compatriots.

The second half opened more auspiciously for the Newbies, for their first blow struck sent a player crumbling to the pitch, never to return, while a kick sailing out of bounds saw their greatest weakness, an inability to pick up the football, rendered moot. With a cage formed just behind the line of scrimmage and a two player advantage, the Newbies felt themselves in a rather strong position.

Of course, strong positions do not generally count on the presence of goblin trickery. A stunty little fellow, entirely festooned in grenados and other explosives, tossed one of his devices straight into the centre of the Newbie's cage. Where, rather than exploding, it settled happily into the hands of the ballcarrier. Somewhat bemused at this turn of events, he tossed it in the direction of the nearest troll, assuming that such a large creature would have little idea how to field such a toss. And he was right, as the troll caught it, stared at it, then tried to eat the bomb. The ensuing explosion knocked the troll right off the pitch, quite stunned.

In retaliation for his unrepentant trickery, the largest and strongest of the Khemri strode forward and punched the little bugger right between the eyes, sending his little limbs scattering straight into the injury bin.

Now with a four man advantage, the Newbies ground their way forward, pushing back or knocking over any goblins foolish enough to get in their way. Of course, they had reckoned without a silly bugger with a chainsaw, and that git was able to smash his saw right through the armour of the best hitter on the Newbies, although not so hard his natural regeneration couldn't overcome the blow. Said git was promptly removed from the pitch by the advent of another swift punch by the same mummy as had undone the bombardier.

Forced to resort to underhanded tactics, the last remaining troll grabbed one of his teammates and threw the poor fool straight at the cage. Amazingly, he landed happily on his feet. Unhappily for the goblin, it was outside the cage and within reach of two much taller Khemri. Yet that was enough, for one of his teammates was able to squeeze between all the marking players and nudge the ballcarrier forward just enough to bring him within range. One swift kick later, and the Khemri was on its back.

On the other hand, the Newbies had such a numbers advantage that they found it rather easy to shove away the interlopers, and once more retrieved the ball. After a few minor pushes, they charged in, tying the match, and leaving the opponents only just enough time to attempt a desperation play.

Which the goblins did, their second troll having decided to revive himself for this moment. Unfortunately, he had returned in something of a state of hunger, and decided that rather than throw the small morsel in his claw, he would eat it. Thus ended the life of the star goblin of Araneae, and with it the match in a 1-1 draw.

Notes:
Street was the goblin's coach for this one, and got an extra bribe out of me forgetting to fire the beaten up skeleton. Given how fun the match was, I can't say I minded.
I could have scored several turns earlier, but chose not to rather than attempt to play defense and attempt a steal in the final three or four turns. I'm still not sure what would have been the better decision.
Biggest play of the game was easily that bomb toss. If I'd dropped it, my whole cage would have risked being splattered. As it was, Street lost a troll and left an opening to have his bombardier injured off, costing him two players right away and more or less sealing the draw.
After the game, a Tomb Guardian got MVP and levelled, promptly rolling +AG. I took it, of course. I've already used a Guardian as a ballcarrier in one game, why not all season?

 

[Stratovarius]

Another game, another defeat for the Newbies, this time at the hands of their Nurgling rivals. A truly horrendous run of luck in the first half saw two Tomb Guardians KOed off, one to stay down for the entire match, and more skulls and both downs than every other result combined.

As a result, the opposition scored in six turns, being kind enough to at least allow a few of my KOed players to return to the pitch. There was a brief glimmer of changing fortunes as the loner rotter decayed and double permed itself, but other than that little changed.

The second half played out a fair bit better, with the dice returning more to average, although with a distinct inability to break armour on either mighty blow player, aside from a single KO early on against a rotter. Because of this, progress down the pitch was slow, and much more side to side. The presence of the fourth Tomb Guardian would have definitely speeded this up, but was not to be.

However, the slow progress meant that on turn 15, my Thro-ra was presented with the choice of either making a single dodge past a rotter, or two GFIs on turn 16, neither with a reroll available. A failed dodge saw the game effectively end, with the Nurglings earning the victory.

Unfortunately, the game wasn't particularly a victory for either player, as one of my skeletons (with 1 assist), fouled the Beast of Nurgle and not only injured it, but permanently smashed its hip. Given the game was being played for fun and a little experience, that's not all that great a result. I'd have been perfectly happy with a stun or KO, and didn't really need much more. Such is the nature of Blood Bowl, however.

 

[Stratovarius]

The Newbies have decided to retire, on account of appalling luck and ballhandling. They've been nuffled three times in five games, with this one having three turns ending in sure hands failing and the ball skittering ever nearer our own endzone. Combined with a blitz, well, giving up the touchdown to a faster team was almost a certainty. So the opponent picked up the ball in two tackle zones, dodged out, and scored.

Just to rub it in, the only score from the Newbies came when the ball was knocked out of bounds, thrown far down field, and retrieved by a skeleton after 2 GFIs. It was, of course, the only skeleton on the entire team that wouldn't level from a TD (the others hog MVPs).

As per usual, no injuries caused by mighty blow, and the sole one came from a skeleton who struck a random player dead (rerolled to no injury).

Had the dice been remotely average, the game should have ended in a 1-1 draw, after a grind drive each half. But average dice have never happened to the Newbies. They've either had ridiculous dice (first game against the High Elves, more or less true against the goblins) or appalling dice (everyone else).

Given that, they're definitely done playing for a while.


Edit:
So, once the steam cooled off, I sat down and watched a good Khemri-Chaos match (well, the first half, since it ended via DC), I noticed a few things -
The Khemri wasn't caging, and was instead using screens and good ballhandler positioning to prevent blitzes.
The entire team (excepting a single Thro-Ra) lined up on the LOS or immediately behind.
One of the skellies (a DP) was fouling early and fairly often (once every two turns, roughly).
Rather than go down the centre, the Khemri punched down first one flank then the other, switching as the ballcarrier arrived at the line (so it was only 1-2 turns before the switch).

Mayhaps there is hope for the Newbies yet. In SPP news from the game today, a Thro-Ra got MVP and took block, and a skelly (off an earlier MVP + Cas) got doubles and went Sneaky.

 

[Nikolai II]

Very nice reports, I just felt I had to say.

The TG score reminds me of the game where a Zombie had to pick up in a tacklezone - pass through the same tacklezone and past an elf to another zombie (long bomb) who then had to GFI to make a handoff to a third zombie so it could GFI in a score.

As for why not give a TG +AG.. because it's crazy?
They can pick up balls from the ground 1/3 already (about 55% chance with a reroll, if you got one to spare) - that's enough if you have nothing better to do. (Or to receive passes from your Thro-Ra, to amuse your opponent )

 

[Stratovarius]

That's the luckiest damn zombie offence in history. How many prayers were involved?

And I do believe I shall refrain from teaching my Guardians about scoring. One Dread Tree is bad enough, four would be a nightmare.

 

[Nikolai II]

I was winning 2-0 at the moment, and the elves had just dropped the catch when trying to score, so it was just for fun/rubbing it in, so more laughter than prayers (at least from me )

The more divas the merrier, no?

 

[Stratovarius]

Hah. Very true. That's going to be the Iron Elves, not these guys.

 

[Stratovarius]

The Newbies were rather surprised to find that the next opponent they had been booked against was another Khemri team, albeit somewhat more freshly recovered from the tombs of their homeland. First, though, there was another matter to attend to.

"Look, I'm getting sick and tired of not knowing what your names are, or having nothing to call you by. So what do you call yourselves? We'll start with... you." The prospector/coach was pointing at one of the tomb guardians.

The voice that responded was cracked and dusty, yet full of power. "I am Aabit Besis-Negmhat, Lord of the Upper Kingdom and the Great River, First Warrior of the Army of Khalid Hembehat..."

"Right, okay. I needed a name, not a life history. Especially not when you're, well, that old. So, shut up. You're... Bob. Good, basic name, Bob. And I can actually remember the bloody thing."

Rather than listen to the stories of all the other players on his team, the coach simply gave each of them a name. Bob was joined by Bill, Brad, and Barry, then the flashy players were Aaron and Andrew, the throwers Tim and Tom, and the various fill-ins Steve, Sam, Stuart, and Scott.

Not that the players themselves were particularly happy with being renamed. But given it barely affected their situation, they choose to accept the matter rather than go through the effort of finding another coach.

"Now, look, we're playing A Dish Fit for the Gods today. I don't know much about them, but they're almost the same as we are, just missing a thrower and a little experience. So you lot be careful out there. And remember to pick the bloody ball up this time!"

Seeing that he was to receive the opening kick, the coach lined up his players in an aggressive stance, leaving only the two throwers back to pick up the ball. After all, if the opponents were as slow as the Newbies were, there wasn't much chance of the kickoff being poached.

"Yes, yes, that's it! Knock those silly bastards over and move on up!" This exuberance was followed by the sound of a hand slamming into a face. "No! You pick the ball up, you don't kick it about the field!"

After the opposition shuffled their defence forward a bit without even knocking down a player, the Newbies tried this whole ballhandling thing again. After tripping up a few opposition players of course.

"You miserable scarecrow! I'm going to stake you down in a field so the crows can use you as a ledge and crap down your eyesockets! You're giving the damn game away!"

This time, the Dishes were able to shove away the corner of the Newbie defence, and charge a player or two past, and within an easy jog of where the ball lay on the ground, with Tom just sort of staring at it blankly.

This called for some actual coaching. "Okay, Steve, you're playing safety. Bill, Tim, you go mark up that big ugly bastard charging towards the ball. Andrew, punch him!" There was a sound of a tree falling, overlaid with the clatter of old bones and armour. "That worked. The rest of you, keep that screen up! And Tom... No! Tom! You ass! The ball goes in your hand! How hard can it be to pick up a ball lying on a grass field? Did you lose all motor skills the moment I dragged you out of the grave? You are the least competent thrower in the history of Blood Bowl!"

The coach spent the next play peeking out from behind his hands as the opposition stunned Tim, marked up the defence, and pretty much threatened to score within a turn or two. And given where the ball was, there was no chance of Tom running the damn thing clear.

"Oh my poor head... Okay. Bob, Brad, Scott, go mark up the few defenders still up the pitch. Barry, get your fists ready, but don't use them yet. Tom if you don't... YES! YES! YES! You picked the ball up! Now run your skeletal ass out of there! No, Tom, what are you... WOOOO! You made the pass! And thank Nuffle that Aaron caught the damn thing. Now run, run!"

The coach collapsed in a sweaty heap on the side of the pitch, once Aaron had very carefully tucked himself on the sideline, out of range of any of the opposing players. Well, mostly out of range. A tomb guardian was able to run up to him, but not to blitz. At which point a lightning bolt came down from the heavens.

Aaron casually sidestepped the bolt, then threw up two fingers towards the opposing bench.

"That's my boy! Now show that walking roll of toilet paper what for!"

Helped by an assist from Sam, not that it did all that much, Aaron pushed the tomb guardian away and casually sauntered into the endzone.

"Now that's how Khemri score! With a passing game!" The coach made throwing motions in the direction of the other bench, then bent over and gave them a long look at the full moon shining bright.

The rest of the first half saw some typically incompetent Khemri blocking plays, with players from both teams taking both themselves and the opposition down, and one remarkable moment where an opposing blitzer not only tripped himself into the turf, but pinched a nerve in the process. Given the player in question was an 8,000 year old skeleton and hadn't had a nervous system for about 7,950 of those years, the Newbies were quite impressed. And a little thankful that he'd be sitting out the rest of the match, giving them a player advantage.

***

The second half dawned with the Newbies on defence, and their coach understandably excited. He was, after all, playing a team down a man and a score, which was a rather nice position to be in. So Bob promptly kicked the ball out of bounds, and it was handed in right behind the line of scrimmage.

"We spend the half the time scrobbling around in the dirt after that damn ball and you just hand it to them like it's a gift? You useless rattling carcass! Be proficient for once in your miserable little lives! Or deaths!"

So Bill, seeing a chance to mark the ball carrier, charged into an opposing tomb guardian, knocking the player over but stunning himself in the process.

"Why you...." There were some noises that followed the words, but it was probably best no one could understand them. The flaming red face of the coach, on the other hand, was quite clear.

Thankfully, the rest of the defence had been in good enough shape that the Dishes were only able to advance a little, and to shift their cage over to the left of the pitch, where the Newbies were able to reform a defence in front of them.

In the middle of all this, an opposing player got a swift boot in Bill, kicking him so hard his head rolled off the pitch. Not particularly hurt, it was still going to take Bill a little while to reattach himself. Especially since he tried to put it on backwards first...

By now, the middle of the pitch was just a giant scrum as the two Khemri teams locked horns, fists, and other skeletal parts with one another. Andrew, who had clearly decided he was the team's star for the day, injured an opposing skeleton off the pitch, freeing up Brad to blitz away one of the cage corners and install himself next to the opposition's ballcarrier.

"You miserable empty skulls! Stop letting them hit you and hit back! That's five..." Crunch! "Six! Six of our players on the ground. No wonder their thrower is making a break with the ball. What a horrific team you lot are. You're the strongest group of players allowed, so act like it!"

With a little bow to the crowd from Andrew, he promptly blitzed away the player screening the ball, knocking him to the ground and letting two more players skitter in to mark the carrier. Brad, showing that he had a little gumption too, pushed away the guardian in front of him and stepped in next to the carrier as well.

"That's how you do it! That little twerp isn't going to get away after this, not at all."

Which meant that he promptly did, as the opposing coach used a little pushing trickery (and the big fist of a tomb guardian) to clear the path. But the Dishes remembered they were Khemri, and promptly went both down on the last block to free the ball carrier.

Even the Newbies' coach felt a little sympathetic over that one. But only a little. "Andrew, you're doing great, now just punch that guy and we're home free!"

Andrew being Andrew, he punched the blitz-ra so hard it woke up on the sidelines after the match. The guy really was a bit of a showoff.

The Dishes weren't going to go down that easily though, and so they knocked away most of the Newbies from around the ball, and then, when Andrew got a little above himself and thought he could pick on a tomb guardian again, promptly swatted the twit into the ground. And followed it up by stunning the last of the Newbies nearby.

"Why you little ingrates, if you let them score, I'm going to be having ribs tonight for dinner, and I don't care it'll taste like dust! I'll make a barbeque sauce just for the occasion!"

He was interrupted by a loud whistle, and a roar from the crowd.

"What the... That was the game! The game's over! We win, we win! Food's on me tonight, which is great, because you lot don't eat!" With that, the coach charged off the pitch. Because this was Blood Bowl, and the fans were having a riot.

Thanks to Crimsonsun for the match, which pretty much turned entirely on the pass that got the ball clear of the defence and away. If the Thro-Ra had scuffed the pickup one more time, Crimsonsun was almost certainly going to score. He also got a bit of rotten luck when his primary blitzer MNGed himself on a go for it and didn't regenerate.

 

[TravelScrabble]

Lol what a TD, Andrew is destined for greatness

 

[Stratovarius]

Well... sort of. I just went and checked the replay, and it was actually Aaron who got that touchdown (and a level up from it). I flipped the Blitz-Ra names in the first and second half. I shall have to go edit that.

However, Andrew is hogging all the MVPs and Cas already - got 5 more Cas than any other player, and 16 more SPP. As well as 3 MVPs. One more Cas and he's level 4 before half the team is level 2.

Tomorrow, I'm going to see if I can write up the utter BS comeback I pulled against Netsmurf's Skaven.

 

[Stratovarius]

There were mutterings and loud raspings coming from the locker room. There was also no coach in sight.

"Do you think we should remove him? He's kind of, well, shit." Bob was still smarting over losing all of his long ago titles. And his name. Aabit Besis-Negmhat had such a better ring to it than Bob!

"He's learning. And he certainly knows how to utilize us blitzers. After all, just look at me."

"Andrew, if you don't stop preening I'm going to pull that shiny helmet off your head and see how far I can cram it into your pelvis."

"Well I'm sorry, but not everyone can be a star player. And especially not one as glorious as me. It's not my fault you're one of the cloggers on the line. It certainly helps me please my adoring fans." Andrew was polishing his helmet. As was usual for him, this wasn't a euphemism. It's not like he had the other kind, anyway.

Bob just clapped his hand over the holes where his eyes were, long ago. Then groaned. "Okay, fine. You're the team's pretentious twat of a glory boy. More importantly, later today we're playing some rat team."

"Rat team? That's easy then. You hit them hard, I hit them harder, and we KO enough of their players that we can finally score."

"Much as I know you like hitting things, Andrew, I'm not sure that's going to work this time. The last game report we have on these rats, they hospitalized the Iron Elves."

Andrew would have blinked, but he didn't have any flesh left on his face. Bit of a problem for expressions, that. "When you say hospitalized?"

"Two deaths, a couple permanent injuries, and the team gone home to recruit more players."

"Ah." The Blitz-Ra rose from his seat. Which was styled oddly like a golden throne. "We've still got this."

***

The match started exactly as expected. Which is to say, not well.

With the Skaven kicking off, they dropped the ball nice and short just over the line of scrimmage, in an easy enough position for it to be retrieved. And the combo of Bob, Bill, Brad, and Barry managed to either push over or just push their opposite number. With a screen set up around them. Good enough.

So of course one of those speedy little bastards sprinted through the line, past another defender, and promptly knocked Tom down and out despite the assists around him. Coach was displeased.

"Brad, Barry, Tim, how could let this happen? You are allowed to hit the player as he runs past, you know, not just flail at the breeze. You're hitting rats, not swatting flies!"

The Skaven being Skaven, they immediately flooded the players screening the ball, although mostly leaving them vertical.

"Steve, you just let them pick the ball up under the hole where your nose used to be! You... you brilliant brilliant man! Skeleton. Thing! That's it, punch it when he runs past. See? That's how you do it!"

Andrew promptly punched the shifty little Skaven who had thought to show him up as the best blitzer on the pitch. Not hard enough though.

Tim, at least, was feeling fairly competent for a Newbie ball carrier, and actually scooped the damn thing up, running it left and away from the horde of Skaven on the pitch. The B-boys then did their bit for shoving the remaining opponents away from the cage that had formed.

"Yes, that's it team! Grind down the left sideline. Use those big bony arms to clear a path!"

Tweet!

A rather wryly grinning Steve jogged off the pitch.

"Ahem. Steve. I know you like to foul people. You're pretty good at it. But you want to do it when the ref isn't looking. And you want to actually hurt the little shit you're stepping on, not just tickle the bastard."

Unfortunately, a slight lack of players led to the Newbies' cage being surrounded. And one of the corners knocked over.

"Brad, you're an eight foot tall colossus of the ancient world, and you let a fat rodent trip you up! And Andrew, some star player you are when you're laying on your back. You've left Tim all alone with the ball!"

The next sounds from the coach's box was the sound of weeping, as everything collapsed all at once. Barry fell down trying to push away the last of the opposition cage markers, and that same heavily armoured Skaven punched Tim so hard it would take him the rest of the game to regenerate.

After a quick toss from one little speedy bugger to another, the ball was safely down the pitch and far out of reach of any Newbie.

"Fine. This is Blood Bowl. Pound the rodents into the dirt."

Bob answered the call first, punching a linerat into the KO box. Which meant Andrew had to do one better. Because he's Andrew, the glory boy.

After the stretcher dropped the runner into the injury box, the half ended with the Skaven scoring and the unconscious player waking up.

***

"Look. They did the usual Skaven thing to us that half. And both Tom and Tim are out of the rest of the game. So we don't have any ballhandlers. And they're faster and getting the ball. But we're not out of this, not yet!"

The slow clap from Andrew was entirely expected.

"Better plan. We try and hurt them. Because we're never going to beat them. And you big boys up front, try and hold off on knocking yourself over. We're down two players already."

Bob pointed at Andrew. "For once, I agree. Sorry Coach, but when that cage collapsed we lost the game. Better luck next time."

 

[Stratovarius]

Rather than attack aggressively after receiving the kick, the rodents pulled the ball back into their half, choosing to have one of their armoured players pick it up and toss it a runner.

Figuring that they might as well take advantage of the other team showing off for the crowd, the Newbies moved forward into contact.

And Andrew promptly knocked a linerat out.

Bob glanced over at Bill. "I can't tell if he really is that good, or just that lucky."

Bill shrugged in response. "As long as it keeps working."

The Skaven, having decided they hadn't quite shown off for the crowd enough, pushed a few players back, then went for another flashy pass deep in their half. Which clattered to the ground, uncaught.

"See, boys, we do have a chance! Now go get them!"

"He does realize there's still more of them and they're up a point and faster?" Bob one day hoped to have the optimism his coach showed.

"Reality doesn't impinge on that one too much." It was rather impressive to see Bill chatting away while stiff-arming a linerat in the snout. Especially given the linerat only came up to his hips, if that.

There was a loud whump, and then Scott looked up sheepishly. "What? He was just lying there in front of me." The Skaven in question was quickly carted off the field.

By now the Skaven had realized that they needed to get a move on with things, and in typical fashion were able to punch a hole in the righthand end of the Newbies' line, and sprint the ball carrier into the gap. Although Bob was in close proximity...

"Okay... Andrew, you go play safety for a turn. Bob, you hit people. And Aaron, lets see if you're as good as your teammate..."

Aaron clearly hadn't used up all of his luck dodging the lightning bolt, because he stood up from where he'd been knocked over, dodged away from a linerat, and took a swing at the ball carrier. Not that it did much more than push the rat up against the sidelines.

"Oh well. Better luck next time. Maybe you'll be as good as Andrew then."

A little more pushing and shoving saw the Skaven retreat a little, and Bob end up on his back after being gangtackled by several players.

And then an opening presented itself as Brad, for once, took down a rodent when they were trying to hit him.

"Yes! That's how you use your strength! You knock people over with it. Now..."

Golden boy Andrew did what he always did and blitzed the ball carrier harder, knocking this one out of the game as well. For all the shiny helmet and stupidly over the top furniture, the skeleton could play Blood Bowl.

Bill, to make sure the glory hog didn't get all of it, promptly knocked out another linerat, leaving the rodents with only seven players on the pitch, two less than the Newbies.

"You idiots, you let him get away. And pick up the ball. And pass it! Where it hit the ground! Right next to Bill! Go go go go!"

After forming a cage around the ball, Bill then punched the intended receiver away from it, while Andrew sprinted down the pitch and Scott, glorious Scott, actually picked the ball up!

Unfortunately, this was where Andrew's glory moments came to an end, as his opposite number on the Skaven team slugged him, hard, for the temerity of going towards the endzone. Andrew was stretchered off the pitch and out of the match.

Not that anyone so fabulous would actually go as far as being injured, of course.

"Team, big moment here. If we don't get into scoring position, it's all over."

"Coach, we can't run the ball in. We lost that when Andrew got KOed. And we can't pass. Tim and Tom are next to you on the sidelines." Bill gestured around at the pitch.

A maniacal grin came onto Coach's face. "Now that's where you're wrong."

A few sketches on his clipboard later, and he had the play drawn up. First, Bob knocked away the Skaven marking Sam. Who sprinted for the far sideline, wedging himself up against it to make it as hard as possible for the vermin who had knocked out Andrew to get to him. Then Brad, for safety's sake, clobbered Sam's former marker so hard his ribs shattered. Aaron, Bill, and Brad shifted into marking positions over the downed Skaven.

And then Scott, who had clearly decided this was the lineskeletons match to shine, ran as far as he could and softly, oh so softly, lofted the ball towards Sam's waiting arms.

Which caught it perfectly. Leaving Sam in scoring position, and with only a single defender in extended range of him.

Said defender did the only thing he could, which was charge towards Sam. If he made it, match over. If he didn't, the Newbies had pulled off a ridiculous draw.

The vermin made it.

And...

SAM PUNCHED HIM IN THE FACE!

By now, the whole team was hovering with baited breath, because there was always the endzone tripwire to contend with.

As for the coach, well... he was attempting to burrow under his clipboard. While chewing on it. And sweating.

Sam set off for the endzone, his pace a slow jog. There was no need to rush, no need for any other player to move. Or breathe.

As he neared the endzone, Sam slowed, looking down at the ground. That tripwire was hear, somewhere.

SPROING!

It caught Sam in the foot, making him stumble. The gasp from the crowd and the team could be heard outside the arena.

But then he straightened up, stretched, and celebrated.

The scream that came from the coach's box probably could have been heard on the moon. The silly monkey dance that followed was captured on camera, and became an overnight sensation on Cabalvision.

The Nuffable Newbies had pulled off the greatest comeback in their history.

I was informed after the match by Netsmurf, my definitely suffering opponent, that I a) had about a 3% chance of that play working and b) owed him a beer. Or two.

It was, in total, a Skeleton picking the ball up, two 2d Tomb Guardian blocks, Skeleton medium pass, Skeleton catch, 2 GFIs by the stormvermin for a 1d block which had to come up skull (no RR on the turn for Netsmurf), and a single GFI + a RR to finally score.

The monkey dance? That was all me.

 

[Netsmurf]

Great report, still hurts