Crunch Cup Courier #29

[Rusty]

SPECIAL PRICE: only one gold piece!​

Printers' note: Upon receiving this week's edition we couldn't help but notice that Dr Jenkyns' patois has, in places, become ever so slightly cruder than normal. We hope you'll forgive our impromptu censorship; we had planned on seeking Dr Jenkyns' forgiveness too, but we believe that after the events of this week he probably has slightly more pressing matters at hand.

Well that ██████ showed him!

It pains me to admit it, readers, but my tenure here at the Courier has not exactly been filled with success thus far. I allowed that █████ Brandt to best me far too often, the sallow-faced, carrot-topped ██████ that he is. Or, should I say, was!

You see, I had a brainwave this week. A glorious moment, you can be sure, when my mind finally returned to the sharpness that once made it stand out from the ignorant masses. These █████ elixirs had been responsible for my little mood swings, that much was ████ obvious. But the key to my victory, my eureka moment, was the realisation that the █████, ██████ concoction had a secondary consequence – one that's actually been something of a running theme in recent weeks. In the words of the great, mythical artist Rudolf Harald, can you tell what it is yet?

Well, just in case there are any █████ ███ out there who haven't caught on yet, I'll tell you. Here I had a potion that not only caused dramatic changes in personality but also had a certain, shall we say, inhibitory effect, romantically speaking. No wonder my pursuits of love and, more importantly, █████, had been such a damp squib!

█████ obvious, I'm sure you'll agree, and I can't say I'm proud of myself for taking so long to realise – although, in truth, I could easily blame the formulation itself for that. Maybe it dulls the mind too? Regardless, it matters not now, as I polished off the last of it a few days ago to give me the ███ to carry out my little plan. Well, almost the last of it...

It required a █████ shedload of money to pull off, but I was able to hire a "lady of the night" as she called herself (or "█████" as I preferred to call her) to visit the █████ Dead Pig and, while she seduced Herr Brandt, slip a soupçon of the brew into his, well, soup.

Then it was just a matter of sitting back and watching him go, so to speak. And I had it exactly right – the brew, I admit, changed me from a nice yet dull person to the ██████ who is writing this to you now (although I calculate it should wear off soon). But for Herr Brandt, who, I'm sure you'll agree, was already a █████ ███, it should have the opposite effect of turning him into simpleton whilst retaining the secondary effect of amorous inhibition.

And so it proved! And upon that, my little hireling, bless her ██, made sure the entire tavern heard about it – and as you know, once a rumour is let loose in the Dead Pig it reaches the far corners of the city within minutes.

Herr Brandt, lacking the fortitude in tough times that I have been blessed with, fled the city instantly and hasn't been seen since! And to celebrate I have lined up a rather special evening with a certain someone who, once this potion wears off, will soon see my true romantic force – not to mention my ███. Things, readers, I'm sure you'll agree, are finally looking up!

Heinrich Jenkyns, Ph.D.

 

[Rusty]

Semi Finals​

(Vusfnuv; Chaos) Rams 0-2 Har Ganethornication (Bintz; Dark Elf)

William Kill have had Har Ganethornication down as hot favourites to win this season's cup since it began way back, well, ten or so weeks ago. But we've heard that before, haven't we? The Dark Elves were also favourites last outing too but succumbed to Quest for the New World in the final – and even that upset apparently didn't cure their players of complacency as their mid-season blip this time around showed. So Rams came into this match smelling blood, although given the ritual sacrifice to Khorne that Coach Vusfnuv was making during the kickoff that's maybe not too surprising.

The kick was fielded smoothly by Becca Moody, and so began a very cagey first few minutes. Both teams were seemingly trying to psyche, rather than knock, each other out – although in fairness, Bill Lewis for the Druchii and War-gor for Rams did manage the latter, removing a player each from the field. But for the most part the two sides kept their distance in the opening exchanges, Har Ganethornication forming a tight circle around Moody which the Chaos seemed reluctant to penetrate.

The problem with Chaos, of course, is that they're all bloodthirsty savages deep do... right on the surface. So it wasn't too long before their players broke ranks and pushed up on one side of the pitch. The Druchii instantly took advantage, a clinical blitz by Chris Cornell flooring Maks Taos Luy'y to open up a gap down the opposite sideline. A flood of Dark Elves came pouring through, including Moody who was well-screened from the lone safety Fraey Pelt.

The situation was bleak for the Chaos with half of their team left stranded, and with the ball seeming out of reach they resorted to, well, plan A. In a bid to gain a numbers advantage some of the weaker Dark Elves were targetted, particularly Taleoth, but the (p)lucky Lineman stayed on his feet. Courtney Love was not so fortunate however – already on her back (a familiar position, some would say), a double stamp from Wirer Fur and Frany Beard fractured the Linewoman's arm and off she was dragged like the rag doll she is.

Har Ganethornication's advance continued unabated until Moody reached touching distance of the end zone. Thus began the first period of Druchii showboating, as they held on to the ball to taunt the Chaos who, for their part, continued valiantly trying to pulverise as many opponents as possible. The Dark Elves were too evasive to take down, however, and for the most part the second quarter of the match descended into a shoving contest with all 19 remaining players crammed into one corner of the pitch. Eventually Moody took the ball in for the first score just before half time, the sole consolation for Rams being a single unconscious Lineman – and even that was short-lived as Taleoth picked himself up at the interval.

Things became even worse for Rams early in the second half as Fraey Pelt muffed his pick up, allowing the nimble Dark Elves to pressurise the ball early on. Fortunately for the Chaos, Bill Lewis replicated Pelt's handling skills and with the help of War-gor the Beastman recovered. The Chaos offense never truly got back on track though: Lewis was a constant thorn in their side as twice the Blitzer leapt into the cage. The first time he was ably removed by Tricia Alqui Paos'y, but the second time poor Pelt hit the floor. Frany Beard couldn't snag the rebound, and Rams could only watch in vain as Marcy Runkle took the ball away.

The pattern of the second half now followed that of the first – the Druchii showboated near the end zone, this time including a hand-off to Charlie Runkle as well, while the Chaos failed to make any noticeable impression on the Dark Elven armour. The male Runkle finally strolled in for the second right at the death to confirm Har Ganethornication's place in the final for the second season running. 2-0 was the fairest of results with the Rams players having no answer to the dexterity of their opponents who, it seems, are no longer taking anything for granted – and based on a performance like this, who would bet against the Druchii in the final?

Carsten Göschen


(Bolepolk; Vampire) Ravenous Rush 2-1 Dirt Nap Refugees (RogueBanshee; Undead)

Well, in yet another, postal interception-related stroke of good fortune, it was once again time for this reporter to make an expenses-paid trip to one more match, this time the semi final between the surprisingly solid, for a bunch of corpses, Dirt Nap Refugees and their fellow haunters of the crypts, the Vampires of the Ravenous Rush.

As it turned out, crypt was certainly the thought on this reporter's mind once he saw the stadium and most certainly the blizzard blowing snow down into the dark stone chamber did little to dissaude the crowd of that chill feeling. In any case, both teams seemed eager, if not lively, to proceed and the game got under way in good time.

A deep kick saw the Undead momentarily delayed in their initial offense, as the cold seemed to give their leading Ghoul somewhat clumsy fingers, plunging the ball into the crowd, only for it to be tossed forward to the opposite flank. This small stumble then proved the opening the Vampires needed to break into the recovering Undead side and steal the ball from them. Despite a valiant attempt to rally by the Undead, it was then a simple matter of Vampiric grace to stroll in an early touchdown to give the Vampires the lead and leave the Undead with everything to do after their own failed drive.

The second drive seemed at first to bring the Undead better fortunes, both from their receipt of the kick and a clearing in the weather to end the snowy blizzard as the sun began to shine, perhaps a sign for the Vampires. But yet an attempt to break free from their initial cage saw the Undead stumble with the ball, once more due to a Ghoul, but this time due to sluggish feet rather than fumbling fingers, allowing the Vampires to recover and preserve their lead going into the second half.

With the Undead still down by one touchdown and the Vampires on the offense, the Undead supporters were beginning to shift restlessly, it seemed, or perhaps that was simply because so many of them were Zombies. Nevertheless, it would take some strong play from the Undead to break the Vampire drive and force an equalising touchdown to keep themselves in the match.

It was not the most impressive defence initially however, as the Vampires were able to form a partial cage deep within the Undead half as they pushed forward strongly, but a recovering manuveour saw the Undead pin down the cage and knock the ball free with a blitzing Mummy. The game then began to become a scuffle as both sides were unable to gain either the upper hand or in fact pick up the ball from the ground.

And yet once more it was not long before the Vampires showed their natural prowess and both plucked the ball up safely and stood their ground against a veritable Undead onslaught, before running in a second decisive touchdown. With barely a quarter left on the clock, it seemed impossible now that the Undead could overcome such a lead to bring the game into extra time, let alone take a win.

Finally gaining momentum, though largely playing for pride, the Undead saw their third attempted drive begin strongly, pushing back the Vampire defence fiercely and advancing a deep cage rapidly, leading them to an impressive touchdown in the dying minutes of the game. It was, however, not enough and the final whistle soon ended their hopes of progressing to the finally, leaving the Refugees to shamble from the pitch despondently whilst victorious Vampires took to the air in celebration and this reporter wisely took his leave.

Alexander Krauss

 

[Rusty]

Final​

(Bolepolk; Vampire) Ravenous Rush 0-3 Har Ganethornication (Bintz; Dark Elf) – as it happened!

5.12pm Well, here we are, readers. 113 games after a ball was first kicked in anger, and it all comes down to this. Thanks for joining me – wherever you might be, I'm sat in the balmy, late-afternoon shade of the Superghoul Pre-Memorial Stadium (bounty still available!).

5.14pm We are, of course, scant minutes away from the kick-off of the Crunch Cup VII final. One last victory being all that stands between Har Ganethornication and the prize that they've coveted for so long. Bolepolk's Vampires will have something to say about that before it's all done and dusted, of course.

5.18pm The late kick-off has allowed for an almost carnivalesque atmosphere to simmer up over the course of the day, with fans around the grounds in fine voice and tremendous spirits – apparently no worse for wear for the hours-long extension to their pre-match ritual of beer-swilling and sun-basking.

5.21pm Your humble scribe would normally be right in the thick of such revelry, of course. But diligently chronicling the final's events in real time is going to take all the mental (not to mention dextral) alacrity at his disposal – and then some, if we're being honest here – and so for the duration he'll be sine condimenitum, as they say in Tilea – "off the sauce".

5.31pm Excuse the technical difficulties – we're still trying to work out a few kinks with the cabalweb terminal at our end. Yours truly being very much a member of the media Old Guard, this new-fangled live Chaos-logging, or "live-clogging" for short, remains as inscrutable as it is wondrous. Fortunately enough (for us at least), turning it off and then back on again seems to have worked for now.

5.33pm Let's go to our first reader contribution of the evening! Remember, in its infinite wisdom, the Courier actively welcomes all readers to partake in the "grand debate" - so please, we implore you, do send me your missives via c-mail or tw@tter, so they might buzz distractingly at me while I'm trying to cover the match. Ah, the wonders of technology...

Let's see here... LustriaGrrl writes, "If you need an incentive for prolonging your abstinence, Merrick, remember that if I smell alcohol when you get in, you're sleeping on the sofa. ps druchii to win it in extra time." My wife Zalia, ladies and gentlemen! I didn't realise you were a Har Ganethornication fan, darling.

5.35pm Perhaps it's the lithe limbs and supple torsos of the Dark Elves' twin titans of athleticism, Charlie Runkle and Bill Lewis, that have won the allegiance of my beau for the evening. I can see them warming up on the pitch as we look to get things started.

Tonight's adjudicator, the indomitable Ref. Eagleye, calls the captains over for the coin toss. Looks like it's Har Ganethornication who've won it - they're setting up now to receive. Formations to follow...

5.42pm Ravenous Rush have set up in a standard ziggurat. Is that the (literally and figuratively) immortal Count Luthor von Drakenbourg I spy in the back row?

Har Ganethornication have lined up five men to stare down the poor Thralls on the Line of Scrimmage. The Witches and Runner sit safely back in a pocket behind them.

5.43pm "GO VAMPIRES! Ravenous Rush to take it 5-1!!!!!!" opines Glutton4punishment as the kick goes high into the air. I want some of whatever he's drinking. Assuming it doesn't linger on the breath, of course...

5.45pm CRUNCH! That's a strong start from the Dark Elves, who down three Thralls in the game's opening moments. One of them's already off unconscious. Was that a rock I saw strike Count Damien von Sartosa just moments prior? He's down at the moment, but it looks like he'll be ok...

5.49pm Tw@tter feeds are a-flurry with reactions to the Rockgate incident of minutes ago. "Wat was that from th crowd?! Tlk about dagnerous!! WHoevr herd of fans stoopin so low!!! #distgusted" says @LordLerharyllion, who presumably hasn't seen a lot of Blood Bowl matches in his time. Meanwhile, Becca Moody has a hold of the ball. She runs it towards the left sideline, while her team mates space out around her to shield her as they go.

5.53pm Fans continue to mail me their missives on the matter of the missile. "It must be a 50 yard throw from the stands to that part of the pitch!" bubbles the excitable @CCFanatic. "I'd like to see those lumpen sods who follow the Bugman's MYESST manage that!" Well, quite. I've always known Crunch Cup fans to have good arms – some of them can even get rocks through the top-floor windows of Crunch Towers.

5.55pm Big scare for the Druchii, that! Ravenous Rush, having put in a cautious opener to this encounter, finally get their teeth into the game with a mesmerising bit of defence – if you'll forgive my little pun. One player is left helplessly hypnotised, allowing a hit to come in on Moody from a sudden blind spot along the sidelines.

The Runner does what she's trained her whole career for, though, flicking the ball away at the last minute and into the ready hands of Charlie Runkle.

5.57pm "Can't expect to get away with many miSTAKES at this level of the game" – Barik Farblast Ate My Snotling.

"Har Gan will dru the day if they think they can take these Vampires lightly" – DivingCatcherInTheRye.

"Here's hoping we get a second bite at the cherry!" – Ravenous Russ.

I think I may have started something I'll come to regret, readers. Please, spare me any further punishment.

5.58pm The Vampires have paid a price for their good spell of pressure, having had to turn to their Thralls for several top-ups already. The Elves take advantage, breaking through a weakened line and moving the ball across the field.

5.59pm SACKED! A loose screen's not enough to deter Count Draco, who skips across and dumps Runkle and ball onto the astrogranite! Duke Pawel Youngblood is on hand to pick up, but seems to thing twice about going in for it – surely a mistake?

6.01pm Scrambling succotash! It was a mistake, no two ways about it – Draco is pushed onto the ball, which bounces off one of his feet and into the hands of young Line-Elf Taleoth – who holds it! Draco is wrestled to the ground as the agile Elves dodge free to build a cage around their man.

6.06pm Failed hypnotic gazes and blitzes are frustrating the Vampire attempts to get at the ball. There's now only three Thralls on the pitch, and from here Luthor seems to have been all but cut off from the rest of "his" team.

"@CCFanatic – 50 yards is Nosferatu throw a rock. I could do it easy" – @PileOnFirst,AskQuestionsLater

Somehow I missed this "gem" of a pun amid the confusion above. Too far, @POF,AQL. Too far.

6.11pm Hit and run stuff from Ravenous Rush. The hitting comes after they finally pry open the cage with hypnosis, only to fail to Taleoth down with the blitz. The running comes when von Sartosa feels the hunger pangs, promptly forgetting the game to dash off into the crowd. I try (but fail) not to look as some poor sap in the front row gets a free bloodectomy from the certified neck specialist.

6.12pm "OUCH @ the guy with the perforated jugular! >o< Let's hope it was the sod who threw the rock, eh?" – I couldn't say for certain, Two sure feet but no-one to dance with – but they do say a Vampire never forgets. Or is that a Troll Slayer?

"Dis is 1 game where da crowd have 2 take it as wel as givin it out! Stay safe Merrick my man!!1" - Green_N_Meen. Don't fear for me, readers – I've wreathed the press box with bushels of garlic, and there's a whole box of sharpened stakes under the desk.

6.15pm High drama as the game flashes back into life! Feeling the heat from the encroaching Vampires, Taleoth hands the ball back to Becca Moody. The Druchii are looking well-situated to stage their final push to the end-zone, but Becca is pushed herself by a jostling vampire and Luthor von Drakenbourg – seemingly forgotten at the game's fringes – emerges from nowhere to smash her to the ground! The dump-off scatters away – no-one can handle it! Roth needs to grab the loose ball – but he doesn't! What's he thinking?!

6.16pm TOUCHDOWN!! 1-0 Har Ganethornication! For all their good work, the neck-biters will be left shaking their heads at how easy the Elves still managed to make it look. More to the point, how easy they still managed to make it. With seconds left on the drive, the newly-freed ball was there for the grabbing, but the Vamp to hand elected to hypnotise a marker instead. All the Dark Elves needed to do was shove him back from the ball – and Bill Lewis did the rest, ghosting it away from under Roth's fingertips and skipping away into the Ravenous Rush end-zone. There's surely no time now for a reply ahead of the break...

6.20pm HALF TIME – The last action of the half sees Taleoth's afternoon coming to an abrupt end, as he receives unceremonious, face-stomping retribution from the furious Vampires. No attempt to conceal the skull-duggery from the Ref, who has no choice but to give the most egregious offender his marching orders. Should they really be sacrificing their food sources so cheaply?

 

[Rusty]

6.25pm Well, the final's certainly delivered so far – some good play in this drive from the two teams, who both seemed happy to play the game with an attractive mixture of purpose and power. I'd reach out to my colleague @LongTongue(AndMoreLadies) for comment, but he seems to be in the middle of an argument about match-changing projectiles – no, not whether today's incident counts as one, but whether it comes anywhere near to his personal record.

6.29pm While the players getting a dressing down in the dressing rooms, let's catch up with the thoughts of our readers for views of the game so far.

"Har Ganethornication don't deserve it," is the par-verdict from Looks, Teeth and Everything. "No team who loses the ball that many times have any place in a tournament final". Scathing stuff, I'm sure you'll agree.

"This is precisely how u play against Vampires" – Marry Me, Karen provides the counter-perspective. "U c an't treat them like any other side. U can't play keep away. Fast and loose is the order of the day, flow like water, improvise. Nothing matters except getting that pigskin between the posts". Er, posts?

"THAT'S how you put a ho in her place!! You my G, Drake!! They hatin', we ballin'!! Keep yo pimp hand STRONG, my brotha!! #getyopimpon #getmopaid" – Meanwhile, we've our first sighting of a bonafide celebrity interest in our humble competition – @JasonInDaMFHOUSE keeping tabs on the final; presumably from the comfort of his "MF" crib.

6.31pm I'd just like to make very clear that Jason's views are entirely his own - his derogatory comments on women being, to this reporter's mind, in the poorest possible taste.

Please don't lock me out of the house again, darling.

6.35pm Ahem. Shall we change the subject, readers? A little discussion of Blood Bowl in this here Blood Bowl match report, perhaps?

The game seems pretty much in the balance at the half-way mark – Har Ganethornication have the upper hand, obviously, but were really pushed all the way to claim their touch down. We can't engrave their name on the trophy just yet – it's all going to come down to how the Vampires respond in this next drive.

Send me your thoughts! It's gone awfully quiet out there. Someone still has to be reading this, right? Perhaps you can drown out that haunting sound of knives being sharpened, which I fancy is coming from the direction of my abode...

6.37pm "Person'ly I fink dis ain't dat good a game, Merrick. I fink dis 'coz only one spikey Elf got smashed, an' it wozn't even one of der ["lovely ladies" – progressive enlightenment ed]. If you can read dis, please let my many fans know my 'pinion, 'coz I ain't sure why but none of dem seem to follow dis account" - @Gutrog3, good to hear from you! Shouldn't you be hard at work on our latest edition right about now?

6.40pm "I been watchin' dis game 'coz I thought it'd help me procrastinate. "Procrastinate" is new word I know, it mean" - going to have to cut you off there, @Gutrog3 old chum, as the teams are back out and we're looking to get underway again. It looks like three out of four Thralls have been convinced to stop pretending to be unconscious, rallying ahead of the Vampires' receiving drive.

This means that Ravenous Rush will have a full-strength side to face-off against Bintz's now ten players, who have set themselves up in a modified ziggurat.

The receiving team elects to form up very flat along the Line of Scrimmage, with four Vamps and two Thralls all tasked with getting in some early hits. We're about ready for the kick, folks. Here we go...

6.44pm Nuffle's teeth, that could be game over! The Elves come out blazing like black powder, Chris Cornell following up his kick with a second – right in the particulars of a sky-gazing Thrall! Said Thrall, freshly crumpling to the ground, was the only man holding down the Vampires' near-right quadrant, leaving the field clear for an entire poetry recital of Dark Elves (which I believe is the correct collective noun) to swarm up-field and recover their own punt.

With all those Ravenous Rush players tied up in the centre, there's little they can immediately do to contain this incursion, and what little's been tried is having zero effect. We're being rocked like an earthquake, readers – how will the Vampires react?

6.52pm It is, you know. Game over, I mean – and I'm sure of it. Har Ganethornication have ripped the bloody heart right out of this one, with some ruthless blocking sending their opponents' each and every attempt at recovery spiralling away to the floor. Youngblood was the only back-field player able to respond to the ambush, but his last-gasp challenge on Karen van der Beek was successfully evaded on the cusp of the right-side end-zone. Now she's moved over to the left, where there's even less of a Vampire presence. They seem hapless, and listless, and all sorts of other things ending in "less" that mean you're about to lose a Crunch Cup final.

6.54pm The life's being strangled out of this one, all right. The Dark Elves have an ample number advantage to wrap the game up, here, with Thralls leaving the pitch by all possible means. With nothing to feed on, the Vampires, too, start to drift away - for all the world like crime-scene bystanders at the arrival of the city watch.

That's all the action we'll be seeing for this drive, I reckon, so we can safely turn our attention to matters more trivial. Apropos of which, there's one definitional mystery that I know has a lot of you on the edge of your seats:

"– it mean when you tell der boss that you doin' some work, but wot you're really doin' is watchin' hillary… hileyri… dese dead funny cat videos on somefink call EwwTube. Purfect for wastin' bit of time when you shud be testin' der fire alarms or whatever crap der editter said needs doin'."

What's really making my head hurt, @Gutrog3, is trying to work out whether you intended that pun, or are just being your usual, hopeless-at-spelling self.

6.59pm At least what we'd usually see here – the crowd's frustration at the sight of a stalling play – has been largely averted by the bedlam the blood-hungry Vampires are causing in the stands. The only action worth watching on the pitch at the moment is Karen giving her adoring supporters a rendition of something I'm told is called the "cookie dance".

7.02pm "If it's cookies you're after, Karen, I've got a nice big one here you can taste!" – a generous offer, HBones41, but somehow one I doubt you'd be taken up on.

To all the readers who sent in variations of that joke in their droves – we very much get the idea, thanks. And in the case of the guy who started talking about icing, we got it in far, far too much detail.

7.05pm TOUCHDOWN!! 2-0 Har Ganethornication! At the signal from her coach, Karen van der Beek ties a knot in the result. Fire up the printing presses; this one's essentially in the bag.

With scant minutes left on the clock, Ravenous Rush will now be playing only for pride. That's if they can even coax their best players down from the rafters.

"We did it! Three long years of hurt - finally put to rest! Admittedly, though, a lot of that hurt was voluntary, self-inflicted and enormously satisfying" – MaliciousAndNutritious almost breaks the record for longest Dark Elf utterance without things getting weird. He just fell short at the final hurdle.

7.09pm It's taken a while for the pandemonium in the stadium to settle down, but we're finally getting back underway.

7.11pm WHAMMO! Gutrog will like that one, if his attention hasn't already wandered back to clips of adorable kittens being eaten by Squigs. Eric Erlandson takes a gnarled, bony hand to the face – and it looks like he'll be out for a while, if that gouged eye is anything to go by. The Vampires have recovered the ball, but they'll need to go long if they want the consolation score. Youngblood winds up for the pass...

7.14pm TOUCHDOWN!! 3-0 to Har Ganethornication! Well, that caps off a miserable evening for Bolepolk's men. The pass was made wide to Count Damien Draco, who took one look at the Dark Elves before him and decided his stomach wasn't in this one, nonchalantly dropping the ball to the ground.

As he undertook one last trip into the stands to see what his stomach might be in, Har Ganethornication recovered the ball with trivial ease, before pulling off some showcase Blood Bowl – a classic Elven hand-off/pass play that spanned first the width of the pitch and then the length of the Ravenous Rush half, allowing Karen van der Beek to complete a memorable MVP performance with a second touchdown.

7.15pm FULL TIME – and that was the last action of the game, mercifully bringing this live-clog to an end. Your correspondent might be headed dutifully homeward for a quick supper and early night, but for the Druchii in the crowd, the night's (undoubtedly disgusting) celebrations have only just begun. The Ravenous Rush supporters, for their own part, face a long journey back to Sylvania. Thanks for reading, folks – be sure to catch the next (and every other) edition of the Crunch Cup Courier – for all the essential reaction to, and analysis of, the season gone by. One last word of congratulations to coach Bintz and his Har Ganethornication team – I think we all knew they'd do it.

One of these years, anyway.

Merrick van der Groß

 

[Rusty]

Crunched Cup: Semi Finals​

(Tergara; Necromantic) Formerly Known As Dead 2-1 Les Ghaztronomes (Ghaz; Ogre)

The match started off with a rock thrown at unnaturally agile snotling Tenthe Screamer, before the Necromantics kick ends up as a touchback. The ball is given to an Ogre who decides to try to stare it down. A scrum on the LoS sees the match's first blood as a Zombie gets a fractured skull and fails to regenerate. Ogres secure the ball on the way down their right flank but one fluffs a block against a Zombie, Ramtut III wrestles mighty Gorp to the ground. The Formerly Dead do some strategic marking up and is well paid as Gorp manages to push a pesky Wight to the crowd but trips on his own sizeable feet on his way to Ramtut's spot. Two Snots get KOd in quick succession, but Ramtut disappointingly fails to even budge the ballcarrying Ogre. After trading slaps on the LoS, an Ogre is KOd and Ramtut sacks the carrier. The Ogres respond by pushing a Zombie onto the ball, which bounces to the crowd who promptly throw it into the middle of the Ogres' backfield. Another sloppy block fells an Ogre and the initiative is seized by the Necromantics who waste no time in picking it up with a perpetually useful player, their Ghoul. Some screening and Snot-hunting later, the Ogres can only watch as their offense has become a defensive nightmare and star-Snot Tenthe is off the pitch, having been smacked quite roughly around by a Flesh Golem. Before the first half ends, a dirty little Snot puts a well placed appendage inside Ramtut's bandages and manages to force him to regenerate. Some final stalling from the Necromantics proves risky as they get their second Wight KOd and another Zombie injured before scoring. It proves a futile effort for the Ogres, though, as the Zombie regenerates and all five KOd players decide to wake up for the second half.

The second half starts with the Ogres kicking high enough for the Ghoul to catch it, enabling the Necros to cage up. Enraged, the Ogres KO two Zombies on the LoS, but a cage shift towards a flank leaves the hulking brutes slightly out of position. However, they recover quickly and swarm the cage, using their strength to force the Necros into a series of poor blocks ending with Ramtut bringing himself down against the massive bulk of Toerag Basher. The Ogres don't manage to get more than a single player in contact with the carrier and after a series of nice moves manage to screen the Ghoul and continue pushing down their left flank. But again the tables are turned as Gorp charges the Werewolf and sends him off the pitch with a nasty blow which leaves him out of the match, in spite of the lycanthrope's vaunted regenerative abilities. Another Ogre gets in contact with the poor Ghoul who's now pretty much boxed in by Ogres and Snots. Oh brother, I feel your pain... But all is not lost as a Flesh Golem opens a way to freedom and glory by bringing down a Snotling seemingly effortlessly, and Ken the Ghoul makes a couple of vital dodges and stumbles along the sideline towards the end zone, barely keeping on his feet as he pushes himself to the limit. Then an unlucky Snot trips on a Zombie and Ken wastes no time in rushing in the TD. Ghoul power! The Necros' kick-off results in another touchback, a sign that these semi-undead really need to learn how to kick properly, and Kog Flathead is given the ball, driving up their left flank. Before he can do much a crackling sound is heard and a fireball brings down another Ogre screening him and a rampaging Flesh Golem smashes the theoretical collar bone of a Snot poised to take flight in the final moments. Gorp will have none of this and responds by taking Ramtut the Third out of the match with a crushing blow, enabling Kog to make a mad dash towards the end zone, pushing Ken partially out of his way and dodging away from him like there's no trick to it at all. The brute makes his heroic run to make a concillatory TD and the match is over, sending Formerly Known as Dead deservedly to the final!


(Altashheth; Elf) Harliquins 1-3 Blood Bank Liberators (Netsmurf; Vampire)

A severly reduced Elf team was forced to receive in the pouring rain, no doubt due to foul magicks of the darker sorts, against a Vampire team that were themselves missing a Thrall. The kick-off spurred on a brilliant defensive manoeuvre on the Vampires' part, allowing them to reposition before the Elves could even start their drive. This hampered the Elves' offense quite a bit and they chose to run a Catcher alone down their left flank whilst trying to put a bit of hurt on the Thralls, managing to send one off the field with some ugly bruises. The sight obviously sparked a fearsome appetite in Count Lestrat, who rushed to sack the ballcarrier, picked up the ball and celebrated by feeding on a nearby Thrall, putting the Elves in a tight spot early in the match. The Elves managed to put some pressure on the Count, but he proved elusive enough to escape his pursuers and his team rallied to screen him close to the LoS. Kanonion, the Elven strongman, took out another Thrall with a vicious elbow to the back, allowing his teammates to mark up the Count yet again. A glimmer of hope is sparked in the Elves as another Count, namely Babtiste Atriedes, seems to have gotten sand in his shirt as he takes himself to the ground with a clumsy attempt at a block. The Elves pounce at the opportunity and bring down Count Lestrat and a friendly crowd throws the ball back in close to both a Thrall and a Lineman. After some initial confusion the ball winds up in the hands of Blitzer Ainbund Eleneme. Count Lestrate decides to have another snack, sending a Thrall off the pitch in a gurney and things are starting to look dire for the Vamps when Sir Lugosa's blitz only manages to push Ainbund. Ainbund rushes for the endzone, but decides to stall for a bit, a choice that leaves something to be desired as a Lineman stumbles and has to be carried away. The Elves finally score with scarce time left on the clock for the Vampires to equalize during the first half. The good news for the Vampires is that the rain stops and that they start their drive by sending off another Elf badly hurt. Sir Lugosa and Count Lestrate then show off what a motivated pair of vampires can do by making a beautiful pass between them, giving the Count a touchdown to his score card despite being hassled by two Elves in his recieving position. Halftime is announced, giving the Vampires a big tactical and moral, but definetly not ethical, advantage for the last half.

At the kick-off, the teams are now eight vs eight. Three linemen and three thralls occupy the dugouts, setting the stage for an at least numerically even second half. A short kick allows the Vampires to cage up close to the LoS, but Count Lestrat seems barely able to contain his hunger, an omnious omen for the remaining Thralls. After some jostling near the LoS and a KOd Elf later, Count von Drachenfeldt breaks through the Elves' ranks and sets up as a recieving threat. He is duly marked up, but the Vampires manage to reform a hampered cage barely across the LoS and von Drachenfeldt takes down an Elven Blitzer marking him, but gives in to the hunger and the poor Thrall next to him must have an apothecary's assistance to avoid being carted off the field. At this point everything goes wrong for the Vamps when Lestrate, focusing on restraining himself, fluffs a vital block, allowing an Elf Blitzer to push Sir Lugosa, carrying the ball, dangerously close to the sidelines. Desperate, or perhaps just finally getting into the spirit of the game, an Elf puts a boot in von Drachenfelt who takes a quick nap. The tide turns again when Count Lestrat frees Lugosa from the sidelines and yet again when Blitzer Ainbund takes down Lugosa and frees the ball. The ball is recovered by the Vampires, but they are in such a tight position that the referee calls overtime before they are able to score. Astoundingly, this proves to be a mere ruse as the pale nobility scores mere minutes after overtime is effected. At the kick-off, the Vampires are outnumbered eight to six with a measly two Thralls left to feed off, but a deep kick and a poorly executed Elven blitz resulting in a KO gives them the initiative. They seize it and manage to put a Vampire in contact with the Elf Thrower. Clearly fatigued and nervous, the Thrower stumbles when trying to get away from Sir Lugosa. Lugosa, on the other hand, makes no mistakes and runs in the third TD for a final score of 3-1 to the Blood Bank Liberators, who are well on their way to liberating the trophy of the Crunched Cup.

Geraldo de Fleur

 

[Rusty]

Crunched Cup: Final​

​

(Tergara; Necromantic) Formerly Known as Dead 0-1 Blood Bank Liberators (Netsmurf; Vampire)

Ah, the sights and sounds of a proper Blood Bowl cup final! It is truly something to behold, dear readers, even if it's only moderately sponsored by Auntie Belzor's Slightly Used Garden Props and the cup in question is the by now infamous Crunched Cup. The fans are roaring from the stands, the snack vendors are peddling their unsavory dishes and the smell of blood permeates the field. Makes your dear reporter long for his prime, when his body was lithe and limb and not a hideous, contorted assembly of horrid injuries and mutilations... but I digress and that is not what I get paid in pitch leftovers for, so let's get down to business!

The two teams to try to wrest the fabled Golden Spoon from each other were Formerly Known as Dead, a Necromantic known from the Crunch Cup to achive glorious if somewhat phyrric victories from their opponents, and the Blood Bank Liberators, Vampires who are probably the hungriest team in the Cup, and that's saying something as there were no fewer than two Ogre teams enlisted! The weather was behaving and Formerly Known as Dead won the toss and elected to kick. After a very unusual passing play from a Thrall, the Vampires set up a screen on their right flank and were promptly bogged down by Wolves and Wights. Count Vladimir von Drachenfeld was knocked down, visibly shaken, by the agressive lycanthrope bearing the moniker Robin Williams, after a hired Thrall failed to block a Zombie. Alas, the tables were soon turned as a second Wolf got a bit too eager and frenzied himself down together with Count Atriedes. The commotion caused by this allowed count Lestrate to set off towards the endzone after a handoff and a couple of wily moves. The TD was not to be, however, as a failed dodge by a Thrall who KOd himself allowed the very same lupine to tear into the Count, stunning him with the help of a Wight. After a minor scrum on the LoS, Mr Williams grabs hold of the ball. The other Werewolf winds up being pushed into the crowd, where some fangbanging hooligan smashes a rock onto his hand, taking him out for the match. The ever hungry Sir Lugosa manages to sack Willams, but at the cost of replenishing his blood pool from a Thrall who faints on the spot. In a move that will probably be remembered longer than he wants it to be, the venerable Count Lestrate picks himself up, then the ball and then promptly falls over due to exhaustion or whatever makes a Lord of the Undead trip over his own legs. Probably the cape. The enterprising young Ghoul, Cameraman Ken (handsome lad, I might add), manages to knock out Count von Drachenfeld to the jubilation of your dear reporter, although I chose to keep it to myself, considering the nature of Vampire teams' fans. The nimble Wight John Morrison scoops up the ball and sets off. Soon after the poor Ghoul Corpsesnatcher is pushed into the crowd, but is luckily spared the full brunt of their enthusiasm. Meanwhile on the other side of the pitch, were-Williams is set up to score by recieving a pass from Morrison and it looks like a tough break for the Vamps until a dedicated Thrall makes a mad dash for the Wolf and takes him down. Somebody will get more than scraps for dinner tonight! Morrison frees up Williams for a dash for the end zone, but the lycanthrope fumbles the pick-up due to another nearby Thrall. The same Thrall manages to knock himself out against Williams, but it doesn't matter as Williams proves incapable of picking up anything other than fleas and the first half ends without a single TD.

At the kick off of the second half, the Vampires are down a Thrall and only able to field ten players, while the Necromantics substitute a Zombie for their hurt Werewolf. The Liberators kick deep and the assorted animations sets up a cage deep inside their own half. Sir Lugosa appearantly mistakes a Zombie for a Thrall and sinks his fangs into it which sends the shambling corpse off the field without possibility for regenerating. With such a tasty-looking target, who can blame him? The Necromantics are able to push their cage forward, but are still in their own half when the Vampires mount a prolonged assault on the cage, finally succeeding at bringing the Ghoul with the ball down. To their dismay, the ball falls into the waiting hands of Wight John Morrison, but at least the remains of the cage are tied up and a Thrall gets next to the Wight. Morrison frees himself with the help of a Ghoul, but has nowhere to go and that shameful disgrace of a Ghoul, Corpsesnatcher, gets himself sent off trying to stomp on Sir Lugosa's head. Professionals don't get caught, you young whippersnapper! The effort isn't totally wasted, though, as Sir Lugosa has to call in an apothecary to remain on the pitch. After some mild attempts at violence, Morrison winds up exposed due to an amateurish block by that slavering beast, Williams. Sir Lugosa pounces at the Wight, but it takes the gentle touch of a Thrall to bring it down. Count Atriedes grabs hold of the ball and runs gracefully for the end zone. After some positioning, brave Ken the Ghoul attempts a tough dodge to get to the Count, but predictably fails and Atriedes is freed from a nearby Wight by a blitz from his fellow noble, von Drachenfeld. Sir Lugosa adds injury to insult and pounds the groin of Robin Williams, visibly straining it and making a bold statement about the Vampire-Werewolf relationship. The TD is pretty much a given, but then a Zombie does the unthinkable and shambles over to Atriedes and proceeds to knock him down! The crowd is wild with rage and exaltation, but alas, the Count merely rises, eludes his putrid follower, picks up the ball and scores the one and ultimate TD of the Crunched Cup final! The crowd erupts in festive violence and your dear reporter slinks off to avoid being accidently or intentionally injured.

As Vampires of the Blood Bank Liberators emerge as the worthy champions of the Crunched Cup and winners of the Golden Spoon, I thank you for your interest and the opportunity for a poor ex-positional to earn a modest living off reporting this to you. Farewell for now, dear readers!

Geraldo de Fleur

 

[Rusty]

Dead Keen​

Albrecht... are you in here-here?

[Your brave reporter hears these words in his dreams every night. The echoing voice of Sneequil followed by an eldritch rush of energy and the smell of burning fur. But your fearless reporter now knows how to beat this curse and Sneequil will become its last victim. It's all so very clear. The potato men told me.

You may scoff dear reader but the potato men know all and see all. They may appear mute and lifeless, but I know their secret. They wait to overthrow us. They will boil us all and crush us with a large flattened implement. It's ironic you see...

They may call this fearless reporter mad, huddled in the ruins of his old office. They may believe that if they provide me with sandwiches left outside the door that they can keep me happy. But this reporter rejects these sandwiches as insolent. Only the potatoes tell the truth... only the potatoes...

They told me that my Tilean loafers were attempting to eat my feet. They told me that Nurgle's real name is actually Tony. And they have told me how to defeat this terrible curse.]

Albrecht – are you here?

[The only thing they have not told this relentless reporter how to do is to make the person knocking on my office door go away. This reporter snorts out a curse word – the worst I can think of. Of course to everyone else, it appears as though I have uttered the word "eggplant", but if you were a potato man right now you'd be furious.

The door opens, scraping over the scorched floor. This reporter screams as the insults of the piles of moulding sandwiches echo through my brain. Shut them out! Shut them out! The ham and pickle ones are the worst!

A man steps closer and whistles at the devestation around him. Almost the entire room is covered in black soot. This reporter likes it like that. It's a warming colour.]

You've got be impressed with the damage here. It really is a first rate job. A little brutal, but for a novice in Dark Magic, you've got to be impressed... a solid 7 out of 10.

[The voice is familiar to this reporter. He has only heard the potato men cheering his name recently as they crowned him king. This majestic reporter is a fair ruler and so far has only had to sentence one heretic to being chipped...]

He's got to be here somewhere... they promised he was in...

[This regal reporter sniggers knowing they will never find him since he started wearing the jockstrap of invisibility. Regrettably this seems to alert the intruder to my presence and he peers under the desk at me.]

Albrecht – why are you just wearing a jock strap? And what the hell is on your head?

[This clever reporter explains to "Bones" McCaw that the tinfoil hat is the best protection against unwanted immolation and is inscribed with the ancient runes of Po-Tay-Toe.]

I see – maybe you should come out...

GERALD – FETCH MY GENERIC ROBES!!!!

[This reporter takes that hand that is offered to him, before shrinking back before the elaborate Tilean shoes on McCaw's feet. They appear dormant for now, but I am able to babble out a warning to Bones, whilst his servant places a drab grey robes around my shoulders.

Coach McCaw, wearing what appear to be robes of the finest Wyvern hide, set off with a natty cravat, nods knowingly.]

I know my friend. I know... the important thing is that you are wearing clothes right now. Naked journalists scare me.

[This reporter huddles in the generic robe...]

Now it is clear that you are having "issues" at the moment. And your fall into utter insanity is of deep concern to me – it truly is. But we must think of what is important at the current moment in time and I am certain you will agree that my fans must come first...

And so without further ado I present to you this final Dead Keen of Crunch Cup VII!

Albrecht – why are you attempting to write with a breadstick?

[Gerald the hunchback waddles forwards and removed the offending item from this reporter's hands, replacing it with a quill and parchment. He looks this reporter up and down and sympathetically pats my cheek. This unimpressed reporter makes a "beep" noise back at him.]

Much better – thank you Gerald.

Now let look at the first corpse-in-waiting for the pages of your fine paper – an ironic phrase, as this person already is a corpse. And coming from semi-finalists the Ravenous Rush this individual has shocked and surprised us all by taking a Vampire team into a position where it might actually achieve something. What else can I say but let's put our hands together for the main Vampire Duke Pawel Youngblood.

This Vampire has done it all, it would seem. He has contributed five touchdowns and four casualties to the Vampires' cause. He can block and weave with the best of them. And more stunning that that, he has achieved it whilst needing to take a snack on his team mates through most of the season. And so I invite you all to sharpen your stakes, prepare your holy symbols and make sure that all your matches take place during the middle of the day in bright, bright sunshine.

Burn baby burn...

[This brave reporter sniggers and suggests that we should prepare "steaks" for a barbeque... but never potatoes.]

Yes Albrecht – very funny.

Speaking of dead men, can I discuss another one of the "living impaired", as we have two teams of a slightly less than healthy pallor in the semi-finals. And the Dirt Nap Refuges head into the semis led by their wrecking ball of a Mummy, Khufu the Ancient.

Khufu is pretty much par for the course as Mummies go. He has a very health casualty record, scoring five across the campaign. He is also a resolute guardian of his team mates and to be honest, most of them are Zombies and if you don't look after them, what sort of Necromancer are you? Khufu is indeed the rock around which so much good work goes on. Which is why it pains me to state that he must be entombed beneath the sands once again, because... well, just because. Break him and break the team...

And so let us move on to the Chaotic side of the Crunch Cup. And the Rams make great strides to the other semi-final where I can only suggest one person as this week's big horned target. The appropriately named War-gor, a Beastman so powerful his muscles have developed further muscles.

[This reporter likes mussels – with a white wine sauce. But no potatoes...]

Steroid use seems pretty rampant amongst Blood Bowl players these days and it is a bit of a worry that not enough is done to tackle this blight on the game. I mean drugs – back in my day it was sorcery or enchanted gloves. Now all these companies want to get into the game and rumours that War-gor is involved with Malco – Malekith's own personal medication firm – are rife across the game. And I would not wish to promote such rumours – that would be irresponsible...

Still if anyone out there would like to clean up these rumours once and for all, I can think of an obvious way. Spill his blood and I can do some thaumaturgy testing. I will need a fair amount, of course, and other tissue samples. So murder him and send me the body – I can work out the rest.

FOR NAGASH'S SAKE GERALD – GET HIM BACK OVER HERE!

[This reporter has grown weary of such conversations and is now holding court with a bookshelf, which wishes to pay tribute to his magnificence. He is roughly manhandled by Gerald back before his master – the king's cries to his elite Spudtroopers go unheeded.]

Now I have your undivided attention, there is one team left in the semi-finals, of which I have a long history of predicting their demise. I would like to state that in my defence, Har Ganerthornication are Elves – albeit very evil and cruel ones, and have been doing very well for quite some time now. But alas, they do keep on making themselves targets – the extent that I feel I have sounded out almost everyone of them for death.

But I will chose a new individual this time, Blizter Bill Lewis – the jumping jackrabbit at the heart of the attack and defence. He seems to play a style I have only ever witnessed before in the Lustrian Croakers classic '73 side. And I think it is only fair to insist that he croaks too...

Of course, although I seek their death in unpleasant ways, Har Ganerthornication are my tips for the Cup this year. Because once they do, the delightful Karen Van Der Beek can retire and come to the McCaw Love Palace.

Come to me Karen. I have a hot tub...

[Bubble.]

Sorry Albrecht?

[Bubbly. Bubbly. Blip Blop.]

Gerald – I think we broke him...

[FNNNNAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGG!!!!!! FNNNARRRRGGGGAAAARRRGGGGLLLEEE!!!!]

O-kay! Erm... so I'll be going now...

GERALD!!!! WHERE'S THE ETHER?

[I will destroy you all!!! None of you can match my powers!!! By the divine right of High Lord Pringle I cast judgement on you!!!!]

NO ETHER? OH GOD – JUST GO WITH THE CLUB...

[NO GODS CAN STAND BEFORE ME!!!! I AM THE POTATO LORD. LOOK UPON ME AND...]

*THUMP*

Albrecht "King of Potato Men" Mistreuer

 

[Rusty]

Crunching the Cup: The CCVII Season in Review ​

Dirt Nap Refugees (Semi-Finalists)
Results (7W, 1D, 2L)
Group Stages: 3-0 vs Uli Stilicke Fan Club (Cha), 2-0 vs Sturmwald Eagles (Hum), 2-0 vs Ravenous Rush (Vam), 0-1 vs Hodgeville Hobos (Und), 1-1 vs They're All Grinning (Khe), 2-1 vs Harliquins (Elf), 2a0 vs They Might Eat Giants (Ogr).
Knock-Out Stages: 2a0 vs Meat the Truth (Nur), 4-1 vs Norsgar Viking Liners (Nor), 1-2 vs Ravenous Rush (Vam).
Top Stats: TDs Conceded (6), Casualties (17), Yards Run (498).

I doubt Refugees coach RogueBanshee would begrudge the assertion that his Human team struggled the last time around – but then, who can hold that against him? They're Humans, after all, and while the Mad Missionary Mob put together one phenomenal run to lift the CCV trophy, they've definitely so far proven the exception rather than the rule.

Regardless, the former newbie turned in a much-improved sophomore season, settling on one of the more highly-rated sides – esteemed indeed, given the sheer number of fellow Undead entrants - before becoming the first coach in three Crunch Cups to take the shamblers all the way to the Semis.

The team benefited from two administrated wins late on their route to the final four. While the default round-of-sixteen victory over Meat the Truth will have been the precisely the sort of enormous boon for which so many of us are always looking, most coaches will be heartbroken to miss a game against an Ogre team, laden as such occasions are with the promise of some lucrative Snotling casualties.

By the time the Refugees returned to action following this lull, they were all the way into the Quarter-Finals. Would they be rusty in their game with the Norse? RogueBanshee's team provided an categorical reply with their thumping 4-1 victory.

But then, but then. Crashing out will always keep a coach awake with a litany of Ifs, Buts and Maybes, but it bears repeating this was a strong campaign, one that should be looked on with a greater sense of pride than of regret. As for next season, who knows? There might be life in these old corpses yet..

Rams (Semi-Finalists)
Results (5W, 3D, 2L)
Group Stages: 0-2 vs Afterdeath Afterhour! (Nec), 1-1 vs Nilfheim Mongrels (Nec), 2-1 vs Darkmire Raptors (Liz), 1-1 Arwen Rapers (HiE), 2-1 vs The Sidekicks (Gob), 2-1 vs DRAWF! (Dwa), 1-1 vs Pus With Boots (Nur).
Knock-Out Stages: 2-1 vs Crunch Cup Elite (Nec), 2-1 vs Arwen Rapers (HiE), 0-2 vs Har Ganethornication (DaE).
Top Stats: Armour Breaks (117), Casualties (21), Yards Run (574).

Crunch Cup stalwart Vusfnuv has been putting in teams for the competition for as far back as this correspondent can remember. Until now, there's not been much by way of remarkable success – but then, it's rare that a long-term project like this Chaos team will bear immediate fruit.

Even now, they're a young side – they were light on experience, even in their own division in the "amateur" bracket of the tournament – but thanks to some remarkable giant-killing, this season has provided a fascinating early glimpse of the Rams' true potential.

A quick look at the running stats suggests them to be building their team ethos around that most famous of Netsmurf maxims, "Speed Kills"; albeit with a particular emphasis on the killing (perhaps "Speed Kills, But Thumping The Bastard Will Also Do In A Pinch"?).

So far, the Crunch Cup remains mercifully free of the mob of killer teams that plague other popular leagues (who we won't mention here, for fear of reprisals). All the same, there's no reason this scribe can think of that we shouldn't applaud the success of Chaos and Nurgle teams taking advantage of the current format – if only for the rare sight of such teams getting the games to fulfil the promise we've all dreamt them capable of.

Speaking of teams fulfilling their promise, Har Ganethornication were to prove an upset too far for Vusfnuv this time, as the Druchii moved inevitably towards the victory the rest of us were all sick to death with waiting for. But, speaking of inevitabilities – something tells me that these goats (sorry, Rams) will be back next season – and better than ever.

Ravenous Rush (Runners-Up)
Results (6W, 2D, 3L)
Group Stages: 1-2 vs Sturmwald Eagles (Hum), 3-1 vs Harliquins (Elf), 0-2 vs Dirt Nap Refugees (Und), 1-1 vs Uli Stilicke Fan Club (Cha), 1-0 vs They Might Eat Giants (Ogr), 1-1 vs They're All Grinning (Khe), 2-1 vs Hodgeville Hobos (Und).
Knock-Out Stages: 2-1 vs Arlequins of Past (Elf), 1-0 vs Symphony of the Dead (Und), 2-1 vs Dirt Nap Refugees (Und) 0-3 vs Har Ganethornication (DaE).
Top Stats: Armour Breaks (129), Armour Breaks Sustained (202), Being freakin' VAMPIRES (Vampires).

For a brief, dazzling moment, there was the possibility of having two Vampire teams crowned winners in the competition – both the tournament proper, and that bizarre, recently-sprouted appendage that is the Crunched Cup. It wasn't to be, but there's still no use in denying the pointy-toothed phenomenon that swept through the season, pulling off success after success without anything like the good fortune that we tend to assume a prerequisite for such teams to prosper.

Ravenous Rush – and to a lesser extent, their photon-phobic cousins the Blood Bank Liberators – provided an emphatic response to the traditional "tier three" trash-canning to which the proud Vampire brand is routinely consigned. A solid, if not spectacular group stage run – the wins presumably all the sweeter, for the difficulty with which they were obtained – soon blossomed into an insane tilt come the knock-out rounds, giants and windmills alike left rubbled and dazed in the wake of the charging, blood-mad fiends.

A win against CCVI champ Hoverdog is undoubtedly a fine feather in coach Bolepolk's cap, but arguably the greater result was the Semi-Final victory over the Dirt Nap Refugees, where a small chasm of luck between the sides was triflingly spanned as the Vamps stormed into the final with a 2-1 victory.

Two power teams toppled – could the Dark Elves become the third? For one long, nervous, pitched battle of a first half, the answer appeared to be – "maybe?" As the second drive progressed, however, it became clear that this fairytale was not one of the ones that comes with a happy ending. Perhaps Bolepolk will return to spin us the sequel?

Har Ganethornication (Champions)
Results (7W, 2D, 2L)
Group Stages: 2-0 vs Crunch Cup Elite (Nec), 2-1 vs Let There Be Blight (Ska), 2-1 vs Les Ghaztronomes (Ogr), 1-2 vs Nuffles Evil Minions (Cha), 1-3 vs High on the Supply (HiE), 2-2 The Repeat Offenders (Und), 1-1 vs Commedia dell'Arte (Elf).
Knock-Out Stages: 2-1 vs Afterdeath Afterhour! (Nec), 2-0 vs Pus With Boots (Nur), 2-0 vs Rams (Cha), 3-0 vs Ravenous Rush (Vam).
Top Stats: Yards Run (804), Passed Made (15), Touchdowns Scored (20).

They did it. They finally did it. Bintz was almost worried for a moment, you know. Beneath that cool, detatched Bretonnian exterior, the mind of a worried man ticked away. Worried over the verdict that history might hand down, should he fail to bring home the trophy expected – nay, demanded – of his Golden Generation of Druchii. And now he can breathe a sigh of relief (or ten). Har Ganethornication have become the champions they seemed always destined to be.

Indeed, this might be the Dark Elf team of all Dark Elf teams. Incredible Blitzers! Superhuman Linemen (true, you might argue that all Elven Linemen are "superhuman", but hush). The swiftest Runners! All this, and the incomparable thighs of – ah, but more than any of them, I think she's earned a rest from the Courier's collective attention.

We weren't surprised to see a characteristically strong start to the group stage – a brushing aside of two teams good enough to join them in the knock-out stages. A third 2-1 win followed suit, but this against Ogres – perhaps a sign, if a sign unheeded, that complacency was setting in amongst the superstars? That the team was on cruise control?

A blip became a stumble, which in turn became a four-game disaster streak. Their lead at the top of the table was whittled away – for an unthinkable moment it seemed as if they might not even progress. But having limped into the final sixteen, Har Ganethornication soon regained its stride. Once underway, the knock-out stages offer little by way of real discomfort for the team – although extra time was necessary to dispatch Tronak's stubborn Necromantic side.

As breezy as these games were, the final would be breezier still – an almost serendipitous alignment of good fortune for the Dark Elves, disaster for their opponents, and a Blitzing start to the second half that didn't so much turn the screw, as rotate the entire cosmos around said fixture.

But we don't mean to begrudge Bintz the praise he's due. He wholly deserves his place in the pantheon of victorious Crunch Cup coaches – and to be offered the congratulations of everyone here at the Courier. Take a bow, Har Ganethornication – you've earned it! You've finally earned it!

Ottmar Pfennig-Pincher

 

[Rusty]

Gunnar's Top Five​

Well well well, Gunnar is back and with something new. Our beloved editor and the man holding the key to extra CEYA privileges was kind enough to ask Gunnar for some advice and it turned out to be so good that he wept with joy and demanded that Gunnar put it into writing just for you dear reader. So this season's last top 5 is going to be How to woo a dame!

First Gunnar must clear a common mistake amongst lesser men – normally readers, getting a dame drunk is not a good way to woo her, it's a way to nail her! And when in an establishment so fine that they have a closing hour it is not – although many think so – the world's best beauty treatment, when the tender shouts last round before closing time! So with that clarified even you dear reader should be ready for this, Gunnars most potent top 5 to date. To show how effective these five steps are, Gunnar has arranged for the editor to follow Gunnar's directions as Gunnar dictates them to the writing slave...ehh...most trusted employee.

#5 Use your most prosaic language along with assurance of safety to invite the wanted dame home for a nice romantic dinner. Remember that it is most vital for your success that the dame feels safe in your presence.

#4 Serve champagne when she arrives, this is not considered trying to get the dame shitfaced, but with luck it will. At this stage it is very important not to tell her of the latest Blood Bowl events, but rather to take an interest in a subject she likes – perhaps talk of trivia like the flower arrangement you have made when setting the table. Dames just love this sort from a bloke and it sets them right at ease.

#3 Serve a nice starter. It's important to understand that a one pound steak is not a starter – unless you're an Ogre, but then you are not reading this! Dames by far love something small, nicely arranged with fish of some sorts. Gunnar does not know why but its a fact that it works. For the starter you will do well if you keep serving champagne. And still no talk of Blood Bowl – it's vital!

#2 Now we get to a very important part as this is were you win the dame over to your side. Serving the main dish. Now here you must have done some prepping, find out what the dame likes to eat and then get it. Here it is fine to tell the tale of how you hunted down the prey you are about to serve. Dames love that a man can hunt his food for himself. Very important thing to note is if the dame is a vegetarian! Should she be, then you should seriously consider if you want to woo a dame like that. If you do want to woo her regardless of this drawback, then don't tell her the tale of how you bested a turnip – it's not a hit Gunnar tells you. To the main you should serve a deep red wine. Do all the fancy decanting stuff just to show the dame, what a nice sophisticated bloke you are. Perhaps even recite a poem during the dinner.

#1 The dessert is coming up and the dame should now be so settled that you can sit next to her instead of sitting at opposing ends of the table. Here you serve sherry and make sure that the dessert has some chocolate in it – it works like an aphrodisiac. Now you are near the goal, but you do need a trump and what could be more joyous than a live fire in the fireplace? It is tricky however as you don't want to leave the side of your dame in order to start the fire, but here Gunnar has a brilliant solution. The Dragon Breath Device is easy to rent for a day or two and all you have to do is point it towards the fireplace and fire away. Hmm... what do Gunnar's notes say about this? It's very hard to read, but then Gunnar was staying at the Dead Pig until very early this morning. Ahh now I remember – SHIT ONE HAS TO TAKE INTO ACCOUNT THE RECOIL. Is that smoke coming from the director's lounge? NOOOO DONT USE THE BRANDY.... WHOOOOOOOOOFFFFF! Ehh...Gunnar will just retreat down this here stair towards the safe and then Gunnar is off – will you stop writing damn you, go and help the editor, his dame is blind so he will need it – begone you sniffling little creep, do as Gunnar says and then you can report back at the Dead Pig. Gunnar will see to it that you are taken care of, just like you deserve!

Gunnar Longtongue

 

[Rusty]

Play of the Day​

Allan Hantzen: OK guys, as you may know I've been talking to Herr Brandt of the Blahville Gazette about getting us back to covering the higher profile leagues.

Allan Txeerah: About bloody time Allan, we've been stuck in this hell-hole all season.

Allan Hantzen: Well he encountered a bit of a problem in the last few weeks that meant he had to leave town , which slowed things down a bit, but he reckons he's got us a job covering the Albion Leagues next season.

Lee Dixhen: That's great news. We won't have to deal with the morons at the Courier anymore.

Marq Lorrentxhen: Hold on Lee, I recognize that look on his face, he's got some bad news to deliver as well. Isn't that right Allan?

Allan Hantzen: Unfortunately yes Marq. It would mean a significant pay cut for all of us, and we'd have to move to studios in Brom which is in West Albion.

Lee Dixhen: Ugh that place is nearly as big a dump as here. We'll have to think about this.

Garhee Linaqha: There's also the problem of our being contractually obligated to provide POTD coverage to the Courier for the next several seasons of the Crunch Cup. And we'll have to continue the discussion later as we're about to go on air.

Garhee Linaqha: Hello and welcome to the MOTD POTD special where we analyse key plays from the final of the Crunch Cup in association ith the Crunch Cup Courier. As it's the final we have all our pundits joining me today. This is a classic cup final with massive favorites Har Ganethornication, losing finalists last year and semi finalists the year before, going up against the previously unknown Vampire team Ravenous Rush.

Lee Dixhen: We start with Har Ganethornication in posession and approching the Ravenous Rush line. By this point Ravenous Rush have had several players removed from the pitch, often by themselves, and the situation isn't looking good.

Allan Hantzen: But Ravenous Rush have a plan. First off they send in a Thrall to distract some players then a Vampire pushes a Blitzer through forcing the ball carrier back away from the line. A Vampire then hypnotises another Blitzer.

Marq Lorrentxhen: Count Luther von Drakenburg then dodges free to blitz the ball carrier down like the star player he is, before the final Vampire dodges across to mark the ball and hypnotise the Lineelf.

Allan Txeerah: Having been put into a tricky situation by this defence, Har Ganethornication react by repositioning one of their specialist guard players, then providing an assist to allow the hypnotised Lineelf to retaliate and push both Vampires back away from the ball, freeing up space for the Blitzer to collect the ball and open the scoring.

Garhee Linaqha: That was quite some effort there finishing off the first half in fine style. How did it affect the teams starting the second half?

Lee Dixhen: Well Garhee, the Ravenous Rush players were obviously disappointed to concede so late in the half after all that effort and Har Ganethornication were visibly buoyed by the score. It comes as no surprise then to see Har Ganethornication react quickest to the starting whistle, kicking to the weaker side of the Ravenous Rush formation and then streaming through in force.

Allan Hantzen: Ravenous Rush were never able to recover after being blitzed off their gameplan like this and Har Ganethornication were able to totally control the game from this point onwards.

Garhee Linaqha: Sorry to interupt Allan, but does anyone else smell smoke?

Allan Txeerah: Yes and it's getting stronger. I don't know about the rest of you but I'm taking that offer and getting out of here now.

Team MOTD

 

[Rusty]

The Courier Speaks To Bolepolk​

CCC: Thanks for talking to us, Bolepolk. What would you say are the main reasons for your team's success this season?

Bolepolk: First of all, inspired and strong play by my guys in the field. By which I mean, good fortune! Secondly, successful MVPs. Almost every MVP went to a Vampire. Thirdly, a level of development of opponent teams favorable for Vampires. There were not enough tacklers; there were not enough murderers.

Which opponent provided the most difficult game for your team this season?

Dirt Nap Refugees (coached by RogueBanshee). In the group stage I suffered a wounding defeat. Good blocks by the Undead team eliminated my team in the first half. Arlequins of Past (coached by ill-lich). I didn't understand how to play against this team. Elves with five or six guards. I do not understand how, for me, it was possible to score a winning TD.

Vampires are a notoriously difficult side to coach. What is your opinion of the advantages and disadvantages to playing with them?

Vampires are difficult for games of BB. I consider it necessary not even to try to play them as other teams. Instead it is necessary to use all their advantages. The box, columns, stalling don't work against Vampires. As well it is tough for Vampires to use these standard tactics. Also, strategy of matches differs from strategy of other teams. Offensive or defensive drives are the same for Vampires. The possibility to score a TD is approximately identical for either. I call this style "AntiBB".

Are they your preferred Blood Bowl race, or are there others that you have more experience with?

Vampires are my favorite team. Also I play Druchii and Human teams sometimes.

How would you describe your style of management? Do you prefer to take risks, or try to minimise them?

I don't try to reduce risk to a minimum. The majority of my victories are victories of players in the field. I hold myself apart from the team.

When did you first start playing Blood Bowl? Is it a popular game where you are?

A year and a half ago. In Russia there are some communities of Blood Bowl board game. Almost all active players in digital Blood Bowl are collected around our league named RuBBL. The ninth season has just begun, in which 51 teams are participating.

The Courier Speaks To Bintz​

CCC: Congratulations on your win, Bintz! How does it feel to finally see Har Ganethornication crowned champions?

Bintz: It feels like quite a big achievement!!! I can see myself back watching the games of the previous CCs and thinking "hey! I could do that too!". I remember the first season where I was quite surprised to go that far, only to be eliminated in the semis by Danton who totally outplayed me; then getting in the finals last season only to lose a match where my team was quite a favorite due to a big TV difference – and this time, finally, it's mine!

As you mention, it was second consecutive final, and a third consecutive last-four finish. Two questions: first, how do you keep getting here? And second, why hadn't you won the thing yet?

I keep getting there thanks to a special training for the team involving healthy breakfast, drinking lots of water and not going out at night...

Just kidding: we keep getting there because we're mean, good looking and mean.

And about us not winning yet, I feel it's because there is a general racism toward Dark Elves that made referees more inclined to let the other team win!

Vampires can be a tricky team to face, even with a comfortable TV advantage. Do you feel you that the match went as you had planned? Had hoped?

Yeah, Vampire are always tough to play against, they can pull some insane plays combining their hypno gaze, their high agility and strength. I'm not sure the match went as planned. First half I tried to delay as much as I could to get the lead at half time, but a couple brilliant plays by Bolepolk almost prevented me from scoring even though it looked like the game was in control. Second half was less exciting though after Har Ganethornication got a blitz from which the Vampires never really recovered.

The group stages seem to have been a little tougher this time – no top spot, and no unbeaten record. What do you put it down to – better opposition, worse luck, a combination of both?

A little bit of all those points you're mentioning. I didn't play at my best and I was feeling quite low after getting a bad losing streak both in CC and OCC [the Orca Cola Championship], involving a couple awful games where I couldn't do anything but watch my team crumble. Bad spirit didn't help me coach better but after I started winning again, things seemed to get back in order. I also faced some serious opposition from my opponents and lost around 5 more players to sudden death.

Last time we spoke, you identified Bill Lewis and Charlie Runkle as the core around which the team was built. One season on, is this still the case, or have new stars risen through ranks?

Definitely! Having two extra agile Blitzers is a blessing from Khaine. They've saved the team's ass more than once, bursting cages, picking up the ball in tackle zones, dodging all around. That really opens up a ton of options. Lew Ashby was also a core player and a professional marker but a very serious injury (something like a death) transformed his play style and the now-named Lew Ashbier isn't as efficient yet. I won't talk about Karen, she's the heart of the team even if she stepped back this season.

Regarding new stars, Marcy Runkle (super agile Witch) and Becca Moody (super fast Runner) are also getting a lots of things done. Marcy, just like Charlie and Bill, allowed incredible plays and Becca rose as a perfect ball carrier that suits the running play style of the team perfectly.

I'd also like to mention Chris Cornell, super strong Line-Elf who's performing better each game and who's the only Line-Elf still alive from the team's original line up.

Well, in fact, I have to admit the roster is quite awful to play against.

One thing about the Crunch Cup is that seems to keep a lot of coaches coming back time and again. Have any of your games this season seen you facing off against old rivals, be it from this competition or others?

I faced Rusty once again (3rd game together in three CCs, 2nd time against his Skaven team), I also played against Dreamy in the group stage in a deciding game for the qualification. In the playoff, I just eliminated Vusfnuv who I had faced in the quarter finals of CCV if I recall well. I played a second match against Sorrow's Elves too. So as you can see, that's a lot of grudge matches we've got there!

If you could add one player from any other Crunch Cup side to your squad, who would it be?

The mythical Superghoul sounds like a very nice option, but I hate playing without an apothecary so I'd better have that super strength, blocking Ogre of Ghaz's to give some impact to the team. Or maybe someone could rent me a super agile Skink?

You've won a sizeable prize for your efforts - some 20 gold pieces to spend at Impact Miniatures. Do you have any purchasing plans for this princely sum?

I'm not sure yet. I'll probably invest in a couple of beautiful babes to spend my spare time with now I've won the CC!

Next season presumably presents something of a crossroads to you, having taken Har Ganethornication so far for so long. Will they keep marching on? Or will it be time for a change?

Some will cry, some will hop around clapping their hands with joy but I can announce that Har Ganethornication have retired, at least temporarily, following the finals. I just hoped it would be a happy ending!

About the next CC, I won't be attending because I have less coaching time lately and I will use it to try and get a team up in the OCC. In the mean time, I'm also coaching teams on different sports, including a hero-coaching sport called League of Legends. It's not very known in the Old World but it could arrive here someday!

And finally... Blood Bowl aside, what is best in life?

You mean beside crushing skulls and punching refs? I'd say tortur... poetry but it would sound too emo-druchii, so I guess I'll say sleeping since it's my main activity these days after I got somehow sick just after the final last Wednesday. I think that some jealous coach probably poisoned the after-game party wine – but they'll need more than that to take care of me, I may be sitting out the next CC but I'll be back!

 

[Rusty]

Doctor Why​

​

Hello readers, my name is Hip O'Crates and I am the Sigmar's Hammer and Lance apothecary assigned to the Crunch Cup award ceremony at Crunch Towers. While I am here I decided to take advantage of the opportunity to do some research for my Emperor's University Teaching Hospital Attempting Non-Invasive Surgical Excellence (EUTHANISE) degree course. When I asked the Courier if I could access their records to research my paper on the effectiveness of apothecaries in Blood Bowl they gave me permision on the condition that I write an article on my findings.

During my investigations of the archives I found that several of the detailed reports were written in a foreign language that appears to be similar to a bastardised form of Bretonnian that I could barely understand so despite my best efforts to decipher them I may have missed some of the apothecaries efforts. [Enough with the ████ excuses – ed.]

First up I analysed which races had the busiest apothecaries and came up with this:

[B]RACE      | USED APOTHECARY[/B]
Elf       | 9 times
High Elf  | 9 times
Chaos     | 7 times
Skaven    | 6 times
Vampire   | 6 times
Human     | 4 times
Lizardman | 4 times
Ogre      | 4 times
Dwarf     | 3 times
Norse     | 3 times
Dark Elf  | 2 times
Goblin    | 1 time

Then I checked which teams kept their apothecaries the busiest:

[B]TEAM                  | RACE      | USED APOTHECARY[/B]
Let There Be Blight   | Skaven    | 6 times
Arwen Rapers          | High Elf  | 5 times
Commedia dell'Arte    | Elf       | 4 times
Darkmire Raptors      | Lizardman | 4 times
Harliquins            | Elf       | 4 times
Ravenous Rush         | Vampire   | 4 times
Rams                  | Chaos     | 4 times
DRAWF!                | Dwarf     | 3 times
High on the Supply    | High Elf  | 3 times
Norsca Viking Liners  | Norse     | 3 times
Blood Bank Liberators | Vampire   | 2 times
C'Mon Hu Man!         | Human     | 2 times
Har Ganethornication  | Dark Elf  | 2 times
Les Ghaztronomes      | Ogre      | 2 times
Nuffles Evil Minions  | Chaos     | 2 times
Sturmwald Eagles      | Human     | 2 times
They Might Eat Giants | Ogre      | 2 times
Arlequins of Past     | Elf       | 1 time
High on the supply    | High Elf  | 1 time
The Sidekicks         | Goblin    | 1 time
Uli Stilicke Fan Club | Chaos     | 1 time

This data was incidental to my research but for some reason the Courier staff seemed to find it important I include it. Something about a bet made by some guy called Gunnar I understand.

Anyway now for my actual area of research. How effective have the apothecaries been when called upon?

The apothecaries were called on a total of 58 times during the championship.

Of those 14 attempted to prevent players from dying. Most Blood Bowl fans will be amazed to learn that 7 of these made a full recovery in time for the next drive, only 2 actually died, 2 took a game to recover, and 3 were never quite able to regain their full abilities.

There were only 10 times in the championship where the coach barely saved a player from worse injuries as the apothecary misdiagnosed the injury and had to be dragged off the player before they could do more damage.

31 players were totally cured by the apothecaries in the championship, only 3 of whom were accidently given the right treatment by incompetent apothecaries. The other 28 were correctly diagnosed and treated.

46 of the 58 injured players saw an improvement of some sort in their condition even if 11 of those still needed time to recuperate and weren't fit for their next game.

Having found a surprisingly good standard from the apothecaries in the competition I narrowed my investigation to see which races and teams had the most effective apothecaries.

[B]RACE      | IMPROVEMENT[/B]
Vampire   | 100%
Goblin    | 100%
Elf       | 66%
Norse     | 66%
Chaos     | 57%
Skaven    | 50%
Ogre      | 50%
High Elf  | 44%
Dwarf     | 33%
Human     | 25%
Lizardman | -25%
Dark Elf  | -50%

As you can see the most effective apothecaries are the ones who tend to get the most practice, those being Vampire and Goblin apothecaries, improving the condition of every single patient they had.

The Lizardman and Dark Elf apothecaries were so incompetent their patients stood a better chance of survival without treatment.

[B]TEAM                  | RACE      | IMPROVEMENT[/B]
Harliquins            | Elf       | 100%
Ravenous Rush         | Vampire   | 100%
Blood Bank Liberators | Vampire   | 100%
C'Mon Hu Man!         | Human     | 100%
Nuffles Evil Minions  | Chaos     | 100%
The Sidekicks         | Goblin    | 100%
Norsca Viking Liners  | Norse     | 66%
Arwen Rapers          | High Elf  | 60%
Let There Be Blight   | Skaven    | 50%
Commedia dell'Arte    | Elf       | 50%
Rams                  | Chaos     | 50%
Les Ghaztronomes      | Ogre      | 50%
They Might Eat Giants | Ogre      | 50%
DRAWF!                | Dwarf     | 33%
High on the Supply    | High Elf  | 33%
Arlequins of Past     | Elf       | 0%
High on the supply    | High Elf  | 0%
Uli Stilicke Fan Club | Chaos     | 0%
Darkmire Raptors      | Lizardman | -25%
Har Ganethornication  | Dark Elf  | -50%
Sturmwald Eagles      | Human     | -50%

There were 5 teams with exemplary apothecaries and if I was going to be treated for an injury I would want to be treated by an apothecary from one of those teams. You would however, have a higher survival rate running through the Dead Pig, naked, bleeding and clutching a bag of gold than being treated by the apothecaries working for Darkmire Raptors, Sturmwald Eagles, and Har Ganethornication. The worst of the three, which takes some doing, is the butcher working for our champions Har Ganethornication. He was called on twice during the championship, the first in MD3 when a player lay dying and the second in MD4 when a player complained of a niggling pain in his back. On both occasions his attempted cure was to break the players leg with a sledgehammer. Obviously this didn't save the dying player and the player with the niggle only escaped with the intervention of the coach who delayed the apothecary while the player limped away in pain.

Sorry readers I'm going to have to leave you now, several patients have just arrived with burns to parts of their body. I shall have to go treat them.

Hip O'Crates

 

[Rusty]

The Crunch Cup Awards​

In association with Impact Miniatures​

​

Ay up sports fans, dis Gutrog bringin' you der news from der Crunch Cup Awards cere... serri... show for der Crunch Cup Vee Eye Eye. It been a good season an' dere been a lot to celebrate. Unless you s'pport a crap team, den dere not been a lot to celebrate. An' if you been s'pportin' a team wot done well but den lot in der playoffs den you prob'ly not celebratin' dat much either. An' if you got a fav'rite player wot died, or you got hated player wot not die an' do well, or you coach Goblins den you prob'ly jus' pissed off. So dere prob'ly not act'lly dat much to celebrate, dis jus' wot der 'nnouncer man say but he a smarmy bugger so I not like him. "Smarmy" is new word wot I know, it mean a man wot make your skin crawl 'till you wanna punch his nose out der back of his head. Incident'lly dere also not much to celebrate if you get chucked in der city dungeon for punchin' a smarmy bugger's nose out der back of his head, but on der other hand it feel really good. But more on dat story once I get let out, so for now here der awards.

Longest Winning Streak: Crunch Cup Elite and Symphony of the Dead (5 games)
Der award number one is joint award, dis 'coz two teams both won many games inna row. For der corpses wiv Wolves coached by Lebe666 dis woz key for dem 'coz dey begin der season wiv loss den draw. Dis a bad start but dey end up winnin' deir group after dis run, but den dey lose to Chaos weirdoes in der playoffs so it all a bit of waste. Der corpses wiv Mummies coached by Hoverdog do it der other way round, dey win deir first many games but den lose an' draw. It still good tho an' dey win deir group. Well done to both teams.

Longest Losing Streak: Les Ghaztronomes and The Sidekicks (5 games)
Dis another shared award, der Ogres an' der Gobbos lose many games inna row. Ghaz's Ogres started off wiv two wins altho no one knows how. Den dey do wot dey s'posed to an' lose all der rest. Der Gobbos do deir losin' run at der start, den fin'lly beat some corpses in der matchday one-one. Dey back to wot dey do best for der last match tho.

Wooden Spoon: The Sidekicks (3 points)
It der award number two for Mico Selva an' his Gobbos as dey der team wot did worst in der whole Crunch Cup Vee Eye Eye. Dis not really true 'coz der Nurgle Baxtards get no points but dat 'coz dey never show up so dat not count so der award still go to der Gobbos. At dis point der 'nnouncer man say dat wiv der two awards Mico Selva won last season, he now der mos' dec'rated Goblin coach ever. Dis not true tho, ev'ryone know der coach of der World's Edge Whingers get der wooden spoon in der Mountain Mixer league for one-some seasons inna row, so I tell der 'nnouncer man he a dumb git.

Paper Spoon: The Repeat Offenders
Dis season somefink new happen in der Crunch Cup. Some of der teams wot not get to der playoffs go into deir own playoffs called der Crunched Cup to find der best team of der wors' teams. Dis a bit weird but it okay. Der winner win der golden spoon, dat comin' up later tho. But der fing is, der team wot do wors' (when der writin' go wobbly like dat it mean you got to pay 'ttention to dat bit) of der wors' teams is really bad. Dis mean dey got to win award dat worse dan wooden spoon, an' dat is paper spoon. An' dis team is Nikolai II's corpses who lose by some touchdowns in der quarter finals, so congrats, sort of, to dem.

Best Newcomer Award: Bolepolk (finalist)
Der Crunch Cup got hist'ry of new coaches doin' really well. Firs' Danton, den Moss, an' now Bolepolk. His bitey team got all der way to der final. Dat good on its own, but den Mikhael say dey one of der unluckiest teams in der whole Crunch Cup Vee Eye Eye, so dis means it a really good fing dat dey get to der final. Plus dey biteys. I give Bolepolk lots of clappin' for dis. Der 'nnouncer man say it a shame dey lose der final, but he say it wiv big grin on his face so I fink he takin' der piss so I throw pencil at him. Luckily I a profess... profish... I do my job proper so I got loads more wiv me so I can carry on writin'.

Stunty Success Award: They Might Eat Giants (8 points)
Dese Ogres do really well, one-free points is great number for dem. Free of dose points come from admin win, but dey also beat Chaos weirdoes an' draw wiv two lots of corpses. Dey finish der season in position number one-two but only two points away from der playoffs, so well done to Coach Avatar111x for doin' okay wiv crap team.

Admin Award: Nurgle Baxtards (7 games)
An' speakin' of admin games, dis year der admin award go to der greenskins coached by Pinga2010, altho he din't act'lly do any coachin'. Der 'nnouncer man blame der Coach but I fink it der fault of der team driver who woz a Gobbo. He s'posed to get dem to der games but he crap navig... navvy... he not know where he goin' so dey never show up to any. Dis my opinion as unbiased Orc. It a shame I only got some pencils left or I throw two at der 'nnouncer man here. Instead I just throw one.

People's Choice – Best Team Name: They Might Eat Giants (3 votes)
Dis a close one, der people's votes woz pretty spread out and dere a lot of teams wot get two, but der Ogres just win in der end. It not exactly flood of votes but free is enuff. When der team owner John Henry collect der award der fans go crazy an' he say "man, it's so loud in here", but den der 'nnouncer man cut off his vict'ry speech. He a real git. I borrow quill from der man from Spike! magazine sittin' nex' to me.

People's Choice – The Third Gold-Substitute Fleece Award for Best Team Theme: The Sidekicks (8 votes)
If der last vote woz close, dis vote was miles away. Der Gobbos get nearly half der votes wiv one-free, an' der closest to dem woz two teams wiv only two votes each. Dis a vict'ry of slidin' land an' deir coach Mico Selva look very happy wiv der prize. Dis mean der Gobbos got as many awards as dey got points dis season.

Netsmurf's Loaded Dice Award for Blatant Steroid Abuse: The Repeat Offenders
I fink dis der mos' blat... blay... it really obvious dat der corpses abusin' der drugs. Dis season dey get Mummy wot is strong as Treeman, a Ghoul wot is strong as Black Orc an' two more Ghouls wot is like Elves. Dat some really sneaky coachin' from Nikolai II, maybe he should coach rats nex' time. I not want to throw der Spike! magazine man's quill at der 'nnouncer man so I use my shoe instead jus' to see if I can move hair out of place but it not work an' he still got dat smug grin.

The Har Ganethornication Award for Most Deaths: Har Ganethornication (5 players)
Dis award called Der Whoopsy-Daisy Award las' season, but since der spikey Elves win it den an' now der org'nisers fort dey should rename it. In one game Coach Bintz lose free players an' den he lose one player in two more games. Dat make many players dead. In prep'ration for dis report I try askin' Mikhael wot der chances der same team winnin' dis two times inna row, but he busy writin' his Magimatics fing or wotever it called so he not answer. Den I ask Gunnar an' he say it more dan cat's chance in Mordheim but less dan cat's chance in Marienburg. "Cat" is new word I know, it not a dog. Dat not help me know wot Gunnar talkin' 'bout tho, I fink he been at der Dead Pig again.

People's Choice – Best Crunch Cup Courier Correspondent: Albrecht Mistreuer, Gunnar Longtongue and Team MOTD (3 votes each)
Dis another people's vote wot woz really close. In fact it so close dere not even one winner, dere free all wiv free votes each. Gunnar look really happy to win, he been in dis job longer dan anyone else at der Courier so it 'bout time he got award. Team MOTD not here tho, dey got some other fing on, I not know wot it is 'coz dey always keep to demselves an' not talk to der rest of us. Albrecht also not here but dat 'coz he in his office chattin' up spuds or somefink like dat. So Gunnar collect all free awards. As he walk past he wink an' whisper "Hee Bay" to me, I fink dat der name of der beach he goin' to throw a party at. I decide to try find it later, I still got to finish dis job firs'.

Golden Spoon: Blood Bank Liberators
Remember dat Crunched Cup fing I woz talkin' 'bout? Well dis der prize for winnin' it. Der Blood Bank Liberators is der best of der wors', which make dem jus' 'bout okay overall, I s'pose, 'specially 'cos dey biteys. But dat 'nnouncer git start takin' der piss an' I had enuff, an' dis where I punch der smarmy bugger's nose out der back of his head. Dis prob'ly der wrong fing to do an' not very profish... it not wot I s'posed to do for der job but it feel pretty good.

Crunch Cup, sponsored by Impact: Har Ganethornication
Dere now no 'nnouncer man, which is good, but it mean someone have to do der last award. Since I on stage anyway I just get on wiv it. I get to pass der Crunch Cup (it quite heavy, I reckon it about some-many pounds) to Coach Bintz, who fin'lly won it after two near misses. Dis a great achievement an' I fink we can all agree he a good winner. I try to stay to lissen to der speech but it mostly in Breton. Also, der City Guard arrive an' hit me over der head wiv big club. Dis how I end up in dungeon, but at least dey give me new pencil so I can finish dis report. I hope you like it. Also I hope dey let me out soon, it cold down here.

Gutrog Word-Knower

 

[Rusty]

Mathemagicks​

Note to subeditor: I'm writing this up ahead of the final, what with it falling right in the middle of my holidays in Estalia. Heinrich can ███ right off – in his own words – if he thinks I'm missing out my tanning time just to write an accurate intro for this week's article! Anyway, not to worry; I've come up with something that you can use regardless of what actually happens. Just cut out or fill in the details as necessary, to fit the circumstances of the match. Oh, and remove this note before you go to press, obviously. Otherwise we're all going to look like idiots. M.A.

Well, readers! What a final that was, eh? I don't think I've ever seen such an [exciting/execrable] encounter – certainly not as the centrepiece of a high-stakes tournament such as this was! The sheer quality of [play/brutality] on display was enough to [make one's jaw hang open with amazement/reach for the rat poison and be done with the misery once and for all], was it not?

Especially that one [catch/tackle/pass/block/foul/crowd-surf] in the [very beginning/dying moments/middle] of the game! You know the one! Goodness, tongues will be wagging in the taverns about that particular incident for weeks to come, yes sir indeed!

And what a game [player name] had! Right at the heart of everything the team did! It's little wonder [he/she] is having [his/her] name touted as a possible transfer to the highest echelons of the professional game. That is, if our good friend Hans McCaw doesn't get his [hideously deformed/clammy and unsanitary] hands on [him/her] first!

Although, of course, not everyone can come away from such a match satisfied. [Ravenous Rush/Har Ganethornication] fans will have been bitterly disappointed to witness their team's defeat here, and I extend to them my most sincere and heart felt sympathies. Would that both sides could have won! Alas, it is impossible.

(Strangely enough, I have witnessed – in my childhood, back home in Kislev – a final in which both sides lost. Or rather, were lost. It was the first and last game ever to be contested on the frozen surface of Lake Vdova, for what were, in hindsight, remarkably obvious reasons.)

A certain amount of discontent seems to be stirring among the Blood Bowl community as a result of this game. Serious questions are being posed as to just how long the sport's Powers That Be intend to allow such flagrant [Vampiric abuse of the hypnotic gaze/Dark Elf abuse of steroids] to go on unimpeded. But there will always be such rumblings from the disgruntled. Perhaps I can offer them some small consolation with this bumper edition of Mathemagickal analysis – at which I have slaved away, dear reader, right up to the day of the final (and beyond!) to deliver for your edification and delight.

Crunch Cup VII Mathemagickal analysis: Match Days 8-11

Positive deviation
The play-offs may have delivered in terms of high drama and intrigue, but statistically speaking there was little especially worthy of comment. The luckiest race and team were the Norse at a cumulative +50.91% from their two games – alas, not enough to take them past the final eight! Their run came to a halt amid the match with the greatest positive deviation of luck of the play-offs – surprisingly, the Dirt Nap Refugees managed to out-luck the lucky Vikings, combining with them to a game 46.93% above standard fortunes (and giving them a thorough shoeing into the bargain).

Negative deviation
The nuffling of the period came in an Elf-condensing encounter between Arwen Rapers and Commedia dell'Arte. The blue-bloods enjoyed a swing 28.98% swing over their hillbilly cousins as they progressed to the next round. This helped tip the unwanted unluckiest race accolade into the hands of the Pro Elves, managing a misery -21.90% cumulative deviation below expectations and seeing both of their teams go out at the first hurdle.

By the time play-offs' unluckiest team, Ravenous Rush, played the Dirt Nap Refugees in the match with the period's greatest negative deviation of luck (a turgid -18.07% affair), they were already well on their way to posting a nightmarish -16.37% from the final four games of their campaign. Strangely enough, that's also nearly the exact discrepancy of fortune that the Refugees enjoyed over the Vampires in that same Semi-Final match-up.

Bolepolk still won the game, however, making him the (highly worthy) recipient of the season's final Triumph in Adversity award:

Ravenous Rush 1-0 Dirt Nap Refugees (16.38% against)

Crunch Cup VII Mathemagickal analysis: Season Summary

But wait, there's more! I wasn't lying about that tireless slaving, you know. Take my hand, reader (not literally, Gutrog; it's a device), as I spirit you away to my secret mathemagickal cache, so that you might pore in wonder over the season's most intriguing and wonderful factlets.

For example! A rookie Vampire team, led by an unknown coach, storms all the way to the final of an eleven-game tournament - a tournament stuffed to the gizzards with gritty veteran sides! How would you hazard the fortunes of this team to have been? Pretty ███ lucky, wouldn't you say?

Well, I'll allow the statistics to speak for themselves. Needless to say, I am sure you will find much that catches your eye. And if that's not enough – if your hunger is not quite sated – there is always last season's summary, for the purpose of comparison.

Ah, I can tell from the way you're glazing over; you're clearly eager that I leave you to get – what is it they say here? Stuck in. Say no more, friend. I shall see you next season, for further delves into the smoky chasm of insight that is – mathemagicks!

Mikhael Mikhaelovich Adamovich

 

[Rusty]

Luckiest Races - MD 8-11

Race        Cumulative Deviation   Average (per game)
Norse       +50.91%                +25.46%
Dark Elf    +46.54%                +11.64%
Chaos	    +39.68%                +13.23%
Undead	    +30.07%                +07.52%
High Elf    +28.38%                +14.19%
Human	    +26.51%                +26.51%
Necromantic +11.17%                +05.59%
Nurgle	    -04.90%                -02.45% 
Skaven      -01.02%                -01.02%
Vampire     -16.37%                -04.09%
Elf	    -21.90%                -10.95%

Luckiest Teams - MD 8-11

Team name                 Deviation from average luck
Norsgar Viking Liners     +50.91%
Har Ganethornication      +46.54%
Rams                      +39.68%

Unluckiest Teams - MD 8-11

Team name                 Deviation from average luck
Ravenous Rush             -16.37%
Hodgeville Hobos          -14.73%
Arlequins of Past         -12.37%

The Nuffle Index Hall of Fame - CCVII

#  Contestants                                    Discrepancy in luck deviation
1. Dirt Nap Refugees 3-0 Uli Stilicke Fan Club    74.48% (in favour of DNR) 
2. Blood Bank Liberators 0-3 Arliquins of Past    48.91% (in favour of AOP)
3. Sturmwald Eagles 1-0 They're All Grinning      48.79% (in favour of TAG)
4. Commedia dell'Arte 3-2 High on the Supply      46.84% (in favour of COM)
5. They Might Eat Giants 1-2 Harliquins           46.25% (in favour of TME)

The Nuffle Index Hall of Fame - All Time

#  Contestants                                    Discrepancy in luck deviation
1. Dirt Nap Refugees 3-0 Uli Stilicke Fan Club    74.48% (in favour of DNR)
2. Quest for the New World 3-0 Oranje             51.05% (in favour of QNW)
3. Blood Bank Liberators 0-3 Arliquins of Past    48.91% (in favour of AOP)
4. Sturmwald Eagles 1-0 They're All Grinning      48.79% (in favour of TAG)
5. Commedia dell'Arte 3-2 High on the Supply      46.84% (in favour of COM)

Crunch Cup VII Season Round-Up

Matches with tightest discrepancy in luck - CCVII

#    Contestants                                   Discrepancy in luck deviation
1.   Darkmire Raptors   2-2 Afterdeath Afterhour!  00.09% (in favour of AFT)
2.   Meat The Truth     1-1 Blood Bank Liberators  00.18% (in favour of MTT)
3.   Arwen Rapers       2-2 Afterdeath Afterhour!  00.70% (in favour of ARW)

Greatest positive deviation of luck- CCVII

#    Contestants                                   Net deviation of luck
1.   Sturmwald Eagles   1-2 Norsgar Viking Liners  +62.99% 
2.   Arlequins of Past  0-2 Symphony of the Dead   +49.32% 
3.   Dirt Nap Refugees  2-0 Ravenous Rush          +48.52%

Greatest negative deviation of luck- CCVII

#    Contestants                                   Net deviation of luck
1.   Arlequins of Past  1-2 Norsgar Viking Liners  -27.20% 
2.   Arwen Rapers       1-1 Rams                   -22.95% 
3.   Nilfheim Mongrels  0-1 DRAWF!                 -22.70%

Luckiest races - CCVII

#     Race                        Cumulative Deviation   Average (per game)
1.    Undead                      +273.83%               +08.85%
2.    Ogre                        +145.91%               +09.93%
3.    Necromantic                 +122.79%               +05.04%
4.    Elf                         +121.24%               +05.15%
5.    Chaos                       +100.70%               +05.39%
6.    Norse                       +95.05%                +11.88%
7.    Lizardman                   +93.35%                +13.35%
8.    Goblin                      +86.88%                +12.41%
9.    Khemri                      +78.60%                +13.10%
10.   Nurgle                      +45.30%                +03.56%
11.   Human                       +60.05%                +08.61%
12.   Dark Elf                    +29.09%                +02.64%
13.   Skaven                      +25.06%                +03.13%
14.   High Elf                    +23.52%                +03.16%
15.   Dwarf                       +15.33%                +04.19%
16.   Vampire                     -19.47%                -01.15%

Luckiest teams - CCVII

#     Team                        Cumulative Deviation   Average (per game)
   
1.    Dirt Nap Refugees           +123.32%               +15.42% 
2.    Norsgar Viking Liners       +95.05%                +11.88% 
3.    Les Ghaztronomes            +94.96%                +13.57% 
4.    Darkmire Raptors            +93.45%                +13.35% 
5.    The Sidekicks               +86.88%                +12.41%
6.    They're All Grinning        +78.60%                +13.10% 
7.    Commedia dell'Arte          +74.80%                +09.35% 
8.    Nuffles Evil Minions        +73.59%                +12.27% 
9.    Rams                        +70.13%                +07.01% 
10.   Symphony of the Dead        +69.33%                +08.67% 
11.   Afterdeath Afterhour!       +68.59%                +08.57%
12.   The Repeat Offenders        +65.36%                +09.34% 
13.   Arlequins of Past           +65.28%                +10.88% 
14.   They Might Eat Giants       +50.95%                +10.19% 
15.   Formerly Known As Dead      +49.06%                +08.18% 
16.   Pus With Boots              +43.46%                +04.83% 
17.   Sturmwald Eagles            +35.28%                +04.41% 
18.   Arwen Rapers                +29.36%                +03.26%
19.   DRAWF!                      +29.30%                +04.19%
20.   Har Ganethornication        +29.09%                +02.64%
21.   Hodgeville Hobos*           +28.28%                +04.71% 
22.   Crunch Cup Elite            +25.31%                +03.61%
23.   Let There Be Blight         +25.06%                +03.13%
24.   C'Mon Human!                +24.77%                +04.13%
25.   Blood Bank Liberators       +02.99%                +00.50%
26.   Meat The Truth              +01.84%                +00.37%
27.   High on the Supply          -05.84%                -00.83%
28.   Uli Stilicke Fan Club       -10.65%                -01.52%
29.   Harliquins                  -12.84%                -01.83%
30.   Ravenous Rush               -22.46%                -02.04%
31.   Nilfheim Mongrels           -33.56%                -04.80%   

* Replacement for Skarbag Blood Thanes

Unluckiest streaks - CCVII

#     Team                        Cumulative Deviation   Number of Games
1.    Nilfheim Mongrels           -42.24%                3
2.    Har Ganethornication        -29.88%                3
3.    Blood Bank Liberators       -19.12%                3

Luckiest streaks - CCVII

#     Team                        Number of Games        Cumulative Deviation
1.    The Sidekicks               7                      +86.88%                
2.    Afterdeath Afterhour!       6                      +65.73%                
3.    They're All Grinning        5                      +79.75%

Cumulative League Deviation - All Time

#     Season     Cumulative Deviation   Average (per game)
1.    CCVI       +1,366.52%             +13.94%
2.    CCVII      +1,344.04%             +11.79%

 

[Rusty]

Heinrich Jenkyns' Full Statement of the Case​

I was born in the year '71 – to a large fortune, endowed besides with excellent parts, inclined by nature to industry, fond of the respect of the wise and good among my fellow-men, and thus, as might have been supposed, with every guarantee of an honourable and distinguished future.

So quite how, from such propitious circumstances, I have come to discover myself in this gloomy, ever-darkening room - darker each moment still, as the rising conflagration makes smoky moulder of the damp satin curtains; blots out what little light I still have to write by from my candle – seems a paradox to quite rival that of these environs that grow dimmer even as they blaze and burn.

But in troth, the darkness has been drawing in about me for some time now. My fortune, did I say? Hah! – squandered on a hundred vain, delusional follies, each but the expensive wrapping of a fantasy life, a uterine construct: the alchemist, the editor – the Lothario.

The inclinations of my nature? Pah! – outwardly noble, indeed. Equipped with the virtues of many a saint! A fondness for wisdom, for goodness – for light! But hold the fruits of such nature beneath a closer scrutiny, and what can be seen? None other, reader, than the apple's worm: other fondnesses, darker and deadlier, curled insidiously inside.

Honour? Gone; all gone. One does not frequent such quality establishments as the Dead Pig for long, it seems, without politer society taking note. I am not so much no longer at the table in those lofty circles, as no longer on the hemisphere. No, my place now – it was ever his place, lies among the devils and the vagabonds below, rifling amid the trash and quayside carcasses, in hopes of the glint of grubby silver that will secure one more evening's iniquities.

Distinction? Mine was this: to become two men – the first man, to become two men! Through these vials, by these unguents, did I birth an abomination – the worm, split asunder, and each part yet living on!

He and I, we are but parts of the same, – and yet I must choose, now, must surrender myself to but the one, to him – or else surrender myself to the flames that even now lick at my feet. I – I, the one – cannot, could not, rouse myself from this chair. Only he has the energy left; the drive to live on – even if that life is but the transition from one filthy mattress to the next!

So be it, then – the future! As I lift the last of the potion to these heat-cracked lips, it occurs that a toast would be only appropriate. Here's to the future of Heinrich Jenkyns! Disease-wracked philanderer! Half-crazed brute! The tower may burn, but I shall burn brighter in the minds of those who will fear my name! My TRUE name – yes, here's to the future – the future of Eduard Heide!

Mr Eduard Heide


Contributors this week: Avatar111x, Barmution, Gallows Bait, John McGuirk, Jrpeart, Netsmurf and Rusty.

 

[Gallows Bait]

Awesomely impressive mammoth efforts from John and Rusty, the true backbone (and most other body parts) of the Courier.

Well done gentlemen!

 

[bintz]

Wow, incredible issue guys, thanks again and again for writing such good articles for us all and I hope I can bring back some writing material when I get back into the competition!

 

[Tergara]

That was awesome!

 

[Nikolai II]

Amazing indeed. Five stars, would read again

pow: )