Crunch Cup Courier #69

[John McGuirk]

Only two gold pieces!​

You know, I’m really not the type to bite the hand that feeds me. I’ve barely gotten my umbrella in the door here, after all, and compared to the life I’ve had up to now, this one I’ve got at the Courier now is decidedly ‘of Riley, the un-’. But I can’t shake this uncomfortable feeling whenever I'm treading the packed-out pavements of Bleat Street. It’s a place with, you know, a type. And it isn't a pleasant type. The people who’ve made it here generally came for the wealth and stayed for the power, or came for the power, and stayed because they were viciously stabbed in the back and buried under a shiny gold paving slab.

I mean, consider the official town’s official motto: ‘Greed isn’t good; it’s fucking amazing.’ Like ants in the staff kitchen, envy is everywhere you look. Actually, given how ants are inclined to communal behaviour pertaining to mutual benefit, that’s probably an unfair comparison. Sorry, ants. But until the language has a collective noun for a group of spivs (a bagged carpet of spivs?), you’re going to remain my go-to analogy.

Like I say, envy is everywhere, ugly, unhidden and ravenous. Like my boss for example! The guy’s basically a walking violation of the ethical code. And the pay he takes home? It’s obscene! Whereas I edit an entire newspaper, and I’m making peanuts. Actual peanuts. Well, not actual peanuts; what do you call those little foam thingies that you fill boxes with? Is there even a proper name for those things? Anyway, the point is that a) I don’t get paid enough and b) the greed of some people in this town is enough to make you sick.

Strange to say it, but my boss is an Elf, working for those United Elven Incantation Network guys who bought out the Courier at the end of last season. I say strange because most of the papers on Bleat Street are in Human hands. From the incestuous political scheming of AltDwarf’s ministerial power brokers, to the sadly more literal incestuous habits of its aristocracy, it’s a potent mixture of old money, new money, borrowed money and blue money - the latter having been mistaken for lunch, usually by Trolls. It’s getting such a problem that they've started printing notes with inedible ink.

Whereas Elves - around these parts, at least - aren’t money holders, they’re money movers. Fiscal experts of every stripe. High Elves work in high finance, appropriately enough. And Dark Elves take to banking like heartless sociopaths take to, uh, banking. Wood Elves are big on something called the 'carbon market'. But what about plain old prefix-less Elves?

‘Low-risk investments’, according to the boss. He dropped by this morning, saying something about wanting to make his face known to me - not that he actually succeeded in doing that. (‘I want you to think of me as more than just some faceless executive,’ he said. ‘It might help if you took off the mask’, I replied.)

I find it a little odd to discover that Elf culture is so risk averse. I mean, haven't we all read somewhere that everything an Elf even does has, like, a 16% chance of failure? But when you consider how often the consequences of any Elven failure leads to a state of what, politely, you might call extreme physical inconvenience - well, it begins to make a little more sense. It also helps explain the Ogre’s-ass-sized dossier of paperwork he brought over, titled ‘Elfs and Safety: How to Prevent Misadventure in the Workplace, from Paper Cuts to Ink Poisoning’. Yeah, like I’ll ever need to know about that.

There’s only one thing I really don’t get. Why in the nine hells of Khorne would a risk-averse company buy the Courier?

In this edition:

• All the highs, lows, and best-not-to-knows of the our penultimate group stage Match Day!
• Our divisional standings give you an at-a-glance grokking of what’s at stake going into the final games!
• To celebrate Citizen Nev’s marriage, a full-colour extravaganza in Stomp the Press - starring his beloved Elves!
• Not one, but TWO interviews from the Courier’s talented interrogators-at-large!
• And more!!

Roger Knightly

 

[John McGuirk]

Match Day 6​

Featured Report: Group 4’s (mardead; High Elf) [BBT] Skip’s Ballers vs Pro Snots (Kjelstad; Ogre)

Ballsy Elves against Professional Snots. Or better, even, since they actually have a good standing in the league tables. Missing an Ogre and a dirty Snotling for the game might make it tough for them, though. The Ballers chose to start with the ball, probably because they want to have time to score one goal before running out of players. The Snots set up with plenty of Ogres on the line, but close enough that the Ballers can mostly avoid them. Which upsets the Snots, so they blitz on the kickoff to get to snuggle up to the ballers, except Snotling Mikko the Poo Sniffer who decides to badly hurt himself off the pitch by faceplanting when getting thrown to "somewhere in the general vicinity of where the ball should land".

Snotling Fallow the Heartless gets knocked out as the Ballers secure the ball, which causes two Ogres to forget the game to laugh instead, and Snotling Netsnot the Smurf Shagger fails a desperate revenge block and knocks himself down. Other than that there's just some pushing and shuffling going on until Thrower Coach of the Ballers gets bored and passes Catcher Hitonagashi who triple-times in the opening score.

This leaves plenty of time for the Snots to try to score, picking up the ball with Ogre Towel Boy, only to get screening Snotling King Gallows Bait blitzed off badly hurt by Blitzer NetSmurf and half the Ballers swarming Towel Boy. Snot Ogres swarm the area and the Ballers don't dare try a hit on Towel Boy, but they do manage to knock out Ogre Equipment Manager and form columns that stop the Snots advancing past the Line of Scrimmage.

NetSmurf blitzes and badly hurts Snotling Jimmy the Narly, but in repositioning he leaves an opening large enough for Towel Boy to blitz his way through and get into the Ballers backfield - and Netsnot tries an opportunity foul when following as screen assistance, but gets ejected for his troubles. The Ballers still don't dare to blitz Towel Boy, being satisfied to wall him in completely, but undeterred Towel Boy blitzes through the screen and dodges away to score the equalizer.

Both teams have time enough to faff around a bit by the Line of Scrimmage, before second half starts with ten snots against ten Ballers. Since it worked the first time, Towel Boy gets to pick up the ball again, while Ogre Janitor knocks out a Baller to get a slight numerical superiority. NetSmurf tries to even numbers once more by a massive blitz against Snotling Barristan the Not So Bold, but he fails miserably and is lucky to remain on the pitch. The foul goes elsewhere, though, and sees numbers equalize again as Snotling Ready Set Rama! gets sent off for nothing in particular.

Ballers still don't dare hunt Towel Boy all out, continuing to blitz Snotlings while marking the big guy. Why marking Ogres can be a bad idea is then aptly demonstrated by Janitor as he KILLS! Line-Elf Mac222, who is deemed a misfit by the Ballers since he already suffered greatly from his previously broken neck.

Why the Ballers’ caution against hunting Towel Boy was a good idea is then demonstrated by NetSmurf as he gets his back damaged by Ogre The Water Boy when trying to block the stronger opponent but going down himself instead, despite trying desperately not to. Luckily the apothecary could patch him up right as rain. Ogre Jerry Sandusky the Rape Monster then blitzed in to free Towel Boy up with a clever chain push - but the detour needed to get the right angle on the blitz caused Jerry to hit the deck instead and the Ballers can finally get to take Towel Boy down - but the ball spills next to Equipment and Barristan, and the Ballers can't get to it and have to settle with knocking out Fallow, and then when Barristan fails to pick up the ball the Ballers can knock out Snotling Milky 'Milquetoast' the Meat Muncher as well, and after blitzing Jerry out of the way Line-Elf Tristan manages to pick up the ball from beneath Towel Boy and run away to stall by the end zone while all the Ogres go boneheaded and Barristan knocks himself out in a lonely desperation blitz. So the game ends with Tristan walking in the winning touch down.

Renko Federenko

 

[John McGuirk]

Group 1

Pimpin aint easy (Chaos) drew with Orphans Tear (Dark Elf) 1-1. Orphans Tear were missing two Elves from the roster going into this, and soon found their numbers slipping further as the Pimp hand made itself felt. The Dark Elves came back strongly, but will be disappointed not to have take a win, having gone into the break with the upper hand. For their own part, the Pimps will have welcomed a casualty-free game as what’s been a painful season draws to a close. They've little left to play for, except in preparation for next season - provided their coach hasn’t lost all patience with his project in the projects.

Yellow Army (Amazon) beat Flailers (Ogre) 1-0. Well, of course they did. They’re Ogres. Next!

Blonde Bombers (Wood Elf) drew with Kroxford and thesaurii 2-2. Gunnar has a good joke about why the blondes were so keen play with these cunning linguists but I can’t repeat it here. In the end they proved almost more than the Lizardmen could chew, killing a rookie Saurus and forcing the Skinks into Elf BS mode to even tie the game. But I’m not sure you get to claim any moral victory over this sort of thing when you yourselves are decidedly point of ear. The result puts the learned lizards into the next round, while the Bombers still have to avoid defeat in their next game to secure their own passage.

Crunch Cup Elite beat Mad Missionary Mob 2-1. In a game that saw the now-requisite rookie Ghoul sacrifice that is rumoured to be the sinister source of the Elites’ true power, the CCVII champions saw off those of CCV in a high-stakes game that may well mean curtains for those stained-glass enthusiasts of the Mob. Zara brought some stakes of her own to the party, taking out that aforementioned Ghoul, but was brought down and then stomped down further in a revenge-killing that has bolstered the ranks of the Elite with a disturbingly attractive new Zombie. The Necromantics can now put their feet (and paws) up - they’re already in the next round.

Ottmar Pfennig-Pincher

 

[John McGuirk]

Group 2

(Viajero; Wood Elf) Lightspeed Freak vs The Deathseers (Rama Set; Undead)

Wood Elves that never say die against Undead that don't say much else. (At least according to the team name. According to interview sources few players on the Seers say anything at all, while the Freaks will wax on forever about proper running footwear, while running barefoot anyway..)

Seers start out by kicking, both Mummies going on the line since the Freaks have no tree. The rest of the Seers form a Ziggurat, which is quickly bypassed on the side by the Freaks who set up Wardancer Gail Devers to tempt the Seers into trying a slightly risky crowdsurf, but the Seers are not distracted and try to contain the sideline cage first.

Freaks easily clear things out, but then try to pass to Line-Elf Valeriy Borzov for the score, but he stresses out and spills the ball into the crowd instead. Having been busily putting pressure on the Thrower, the Seers can get back to reach the ball that was tossed in deep into their own backfield, but Ankhtepot the Destroyer blitzes down Wardancer Shelly-Ann Fraser-Prise and hurts her off the pitch, making the Freaks coach call her "a gamewinner" and send in the apothecary despite there being plenty of game left.

Linford Christie, very strong Line-Elf makes short work of the screen the Seers managed to set up in front of the ball, Catcher Jim Hines dodges free and takes residence in the end zone and Valeriy Borzov redeems himself by dodging through to the ball and passing for the first touch down

For the return drive the Freaks set up in a variation of the inverted arrowhead while the Seers set up mostly to bash the Line of Scrimmage, but also manage to quickly get a cage to right behind it. The Freaks do some Ghoul hunting, but can't make any real impact there before Ankhtepot shows he's got his angry bandages on today by KILLING! rookie Line-Elf Bobby Morrow. This doesn't help against the Freaky column defence, so the Seers risk it by pushing their strength advantage heavily into the Elven front lines, hoping to force some dodging - preferably dodges they can tackle down.

But the Freaks don't back down - instead they push back, shoving Mummy Pharaoh Rama Set around twice to be able to get a good blitz down on Ghoul Tombsifter. Not good enough, though, as they don't get him down and the Seers can free themselves up and when the Freaks return to screening the end zone the Seers can pass them by on the side and it takes all the speed and strength the Freaks can muster to close down the sideline good enough to prevent the score that way.

So Tombsifter triple times it to the other side of the pitch and passes Globrotter who runs in the equalizer as the half ends.

Second half, Seers are looking good as it is their drive and they still have a friendly Wizard in the stands. Freaks have the same lineup as last time, which is the one sour note as they can still field a full pitch. Seers set up to protect against a blitz, but the fans just put the fear into the ref and the play is on.

The Seers start by knocking out two Freaks, one of them being now-Zombie Bobby Morrow sticking one in on ex-mate Carl Lewis. Seers then get a cage up to behind the Line of Scrimmage, but Ghoul Corpsebirth decides to knock himself out by failing to dodge away from (strong) Catcher Allan Wells. Perhaps this is what makes the cage weak enough that Shelly-ann gets a free blitz on Tombsifter and smashes his collar bone, and only Valeriy Borzov failing a simple dodge to pick up the lose ball prevents a Freak score.

Seers get two Mummies on the ball, but wild balls to the wall playing by the Freaks sees fast Catcher Jim Hines away with the ball, forcing the Seers Wizard to knock him out with a lightning bolt to prevent an immediate score. Strong Skeleton Zanbar Bone then tries to shift Gail Devers out of the way, but manages to perform a classic "twelve ninetysix" maneuver and knock himself out. Gail snatches the ball and runs to pass the other fast Catcher Usain Bolt, but he chokes and fails to hold on to the ball.

The duo is still far out of the way, and it is only through a desperation rush that Wight Myrkul the Deceased can get to blitz Gail down and mark Usain while pinning the ball to the sidelines. For some reason Usain doesn't go for the tricky blitz to get his dangerous marker away, instead trying to dodge through despite Myrkuls skills at tackling - so he gets to faceplant. After that Gail Devers tries to leap on top of the ball after Globrotter failed a pickup, but she faceplants too, spilling the ball off the pitch - and into the middle of the Seers backfield again. Looks like a pretty partial crowd.

Globrotter fails another pickup, and this time it is Valeriy Borzov that gets the honors of failing the Freaks pickup while the very last failure goes to Linford Christie as the Seers were just triple-marking the ball by now, leaving the game a draw.

Renko Federenko

The Lightspeed Freaks (Wood Elf) drew The Deathseers (Undead) 1-1. This match is a story. A story about an injured Wardancer that exacted horrible vengeance on an unsuspecting Ghoul, a story of two teams that scored each of their goals in the first half and a story about a dead rookie Wood Elven Lineman. But most of all it is a story about some seriously inept Wood Elves faffing about in the second half, succeeding in seemingly nothing remotely ball-related except for sacking the carrier. Both teams get to keep their spots in the upper crust of the division so I guess no harm's done, especially for the Freaks who have now secured their play-off spot.

Norsca Vikiing Liners (Norse) drew Masters of the Pooniverse (Nurgle) 1-1 in a battle for three valuable points that could have seen either team getting into serious contention for the precious third spot both teams came out as losers in this draw. The match was filled to the brim with opportunities, ball sacking and not the least self inflicted grievous harm through fluffed evasive maneuvers. The Masters came off the worse, seeing veteran Pestigor Tri-Plops carted off the pitch with a heavy concussion. Only the Liners now have theoretical chance to overtake the Deathseers for the third spot, while the Pooniverse coach pretty much depends on the alignment of several intestinally faulty stars to advance.

The Farting Gamblers (Skaven) beat Those Fancy Pants (Human) 3-1. With nothing left to play for other than honor, everybody's favourite Pants was once again smeared with defeat. Not only did the Pants get predictably outscored by the much faster and more agile opposition but they also lost the casualty war, if only by a small margin. This changes absolutely nothing for the Pants with regards to divisional position but propels the Gamblers to not only a temporary first place but also the first guaranteed play-off spot in the division. Much to the chagrin of your dear reporter, Mr. Butt Trumpet the Third duly celebrated with a fanfare performed with his favourite instrument.

Sesame Creeps (Necromantic) beat DakaManceer VI (Necromantic) 2-0 by forfeit. The fans were denied what could have been an unforgettable Necro mirror match when the lycanthropes of DakaManceer VI called in sick, after reputedly having visited a flea market and gotten more than they bargained for.

Geraldo de Fleur

 

[John McGuirk]

Group 3

Igor: Greetingth thportth fanth,

Igor: Caerdydd Crunchers (Orc) lost to Ragnarok-N-Roll (Norse) 0-2. Thith wath a vital match for both teamth in their effortth to reach the playoffth. Ragnarok showed thome thignth of feeling the prethure, but it wath nothing to the thtrain dithplayed by the Cruncherth who could barely manage anything. Thith lack of focuth allowed the Northe to thteal the ball for a firtht half lead. While Ragnarok thlipped up thlightly in the thecond half the Cruncherth were unable to take advantage allowing them to recover and thcore a thecond.

Luke: Pass and Move (Elf) beat Jorxan Thunder (Dark Elf) 3-2. Pass and Move open the scoring with a standard boring Elfy passing play. When Jorxan tried to respond in kind they dropped the ball leading to a to and fro scramble for control of it. Even the crowd got involved, but eventually Jorxan come away with an equaliser. Not having learned their lesson from the frst half Jorxan again go for a pass and again drop the ball. This time Pass and move are able to retrieve the ball cleanly, living up to their name on the way to taking the lead again. Needing a win Jorxan score quickly but then so do Pass and Move to seal a victory.

Igor: Sheer Badassery (Elf) beat House of Amber (Dark Elf) 1-0. Defentheth were dominant in thith game with a bloody and violent firtht half ending thcoreleth. The thecond half thaw Sheer Badatherry thruggle to manufacture an opening againtht Houthe of Amber but barely hold onto the ball under prethure before eventually ethcaping to thcore a dethithive touch down. Thith win enthureth that Sheer Badathery make the playoffth.

Luke: Werehere (Necromantic) beat The Phobias Second XI (High Elf) 2-1. When the Phobias quick scoring attempt fails the ball is collected by Werehere. They then are able to keep the Phobias at bay for the rest of the half before running in a well deserved touch down to take the lead on the stroke of half time. Despite coming under increasing pressure from the Phobias Werehere manage to stay in possession long enough to score a second leaving barely enough time for the Phobias to grab a consolation.

Igor: Thith ith a really tightly contethted divithion with only Sheer Badathery having guaranteed a playoff thpot going into the latht game. Altho dethpite it being highly unlikely the ltht plathed Werehere are thtill mathematically capable of claiming a plathe.

Igor and Luke Enthrop

 

[John McGuirk]

Group 4

Starfall Supernovas (Wood Elf) beat Tottenham Gobspur MkIII (Goblin) 4-0. In a result that shocked nobody rock bottom Tottenham Gobspur were thrashed by the showboating Wood Elves of Starfall Supernovas. Whilst the Elves concentrated on scoring the Goblins ignored the ball for most of the game and set about trying to hurt, maim and otherwise cripple their agile opponents. Whilst some question the validity and success of this strategy the long-term applications are plain to see. If the teams ever meet again I'm sure the Elves will think twice about racking up such a huge score with Goblin made chainsaws and wrecking balls gleaming menacingly in the sun.

Malekith Cocktails (Dark Elf) drew with Downunder Dreamers (Human) 2-2. The Humans of Downunder Dreamers showed that they could 'Elfball' with the best of them after this thrilling 2-2 encounter. Needing a win to keep their scant hope of a playoff place alive the Dreamers fell agonisingly short and will have to keep on dreaming of a place in the knockout stages next season. The Cocktails now go into the final day melee with everything to play for.

Engines of Elfhate (Dark Elf) drew with Targaryen (Lizardman) 0-0. The Dark Elves just couldn't motivate themselves in this game against a team that, much to their dislike, weren't actually Elves. The hitting was poor, the scoring abysmal. In fact I've got nothing good to say about this game whatsoever. That's right, nothing. Go away now and read something else. Go on, shoo!

Skip's Ballers (High Elf) beat Pro Snots (Ogre) 2-1. A standard 2-1 Elfball grind which is less interesting for the match than the implications of the result. With this win top 4 teams in Group 4 are only separated by 2 points and it's anybody's guess as to who will come out on top. Whilst the Ballers hold the slimmest of advantages any Blood Bowl fan worth his salt will know that a week is a long time in killsports and literally anything can happen. Apart from the Pro Snots qualifying of course, they're toast.

Fernando Rialto

 

[John McGuirk]

Group 5

Anonymous Anorexics (Khemri) beat Skavenblight 13 (Skaven) 2-1. There was a touch of fortune about the opener here as the Anorexics managed to get in range to blitz the ball carrier early, but when the defender slipped the Skaven could capitalise and open the scoring quickly. Anorexics were now in the perfect position to grind the 13 down and finished up scoring at the end of both halves to win.

Elfbowlers Inc (Chaos Dwarf) beat Propo Gobbos (Goblin) 3-2. In a game that was undoubtedly the division’s most entertaining of the week we were treated to a five touch down thriller. The Elfbowlers almost went in 2-0 up at halftime but a splendid aerial touch down kept the Gobbos in it. Another thrown Gobbo capitalised on the loose ball to equalize, but the Elfbowlers had time to make their way up the pitch for a sensational winner.

Rats Are Back In Town (Skaven) beat Breastest Team Ever (Amazon) 2-1. The Breastest Team Ever started with the ball and orchestrated an admirably decisive running play that meant they scored in the dying seconds of the half, and against any other team that might have been a good thing. R.A.B.I.T pulled off a stunning, POTD-worthy touch down with just seconds to spare, and the Amazon team couldn’t stop them clinching this hard fought contest in the second half.

Psoriatic Arthritis (Lizardmen) beat the Unluckys (Necromantic) 2-0. A huge win for Arthritis in blizzard conditions saw them topping the division for the first time this season. This really was a tremendous performance from the lizards whose defence in the first half saw them win possession quickly to go 1-0 up. Their second half drive had some nervy moments as they lost the ball, but after winning possession they were able to clinch a stunning victory.

Manning Pann-Handtler

 

[John McGuirk]

Group 6

(Spartakus; Underworld) The King Slayers vs Era of Night (Gallows Bait; Elf)

Outcasts from the Skaven world having to play with Goblins, against outcasts from the (High) Elf world, having to play with.. other Elves. Ok, the analogy is a bit off, but so are the teams, with the Slayers getting a Wizard to play with them in compensation for the Eras’ superior skills.

Eras start by kicking, probably worried about the Slayers Blitzer Robespierre who will cheerfully kill anything and anyone, with catch chants like "Equality for All, Brother, you are Free now" - apparently meaning "Free from all troubles like picking out a hat to wear in the mornings".

It is Danton who gets first blood however, KILLING Line-Elf Mortaleth Tinuren right off the Line of Scrimmage, the deed being performed with such unfortunate timing that the death cry startled Thrower Francois Ravaillac into fumbling the pickup. But Eras can't easily get into the vicinity and Francois succeeds and runs up to pass Thrower Yakov Yurovsky who is caged up behind the Line of Scrimmage.

Era sets up a pitch-wide column defence, only taking a second off to laugh at the Troll Guillotine who is acting quite heedlessly of his surroundings, still not having understood that the match has started. Robespierre takes up some slack by knocking out Blitzer Horthion Shaladeth to put some pressure on the Era who simply reform their columns inches back.

But Blitzer Yalayondan Tinulond has headed into the Slayers backfield to act as some kind of harasser, which allows the Slayers an opening to press into by the other end zone and forces Era to back up considerably when once more reforming their columns, and the only use they get of Yalayondan is to badly hurt away Goblin Vlado Chernozemski, which is probably a relief for the Slayers since he has continued to fail at prodding Guillotine into action, while his fall seems to get the Troll moving at once.

Slayers jink back to the first side again which is now the open one, and open it up some more with a choice foul forcing Era to go for columns across only half the pitch. The Slayers cage ends up being slightly risky by touching an Era player, but since Line-Elf Erucion Runglinaas spectacularly fails a dodge this doesn't have time to matter and the Slayers form their next cage right by the end zone finishing the half with Yakov just walking in the opening touch down.

Second half is the Era drive. They have loaded the line very lightly, not intending to take Guillotine down, which is penalized when the kick ends up very close to said Troll. With some extra effort Thrower Caelalelion Shardraigel still manages to pick it up and hand it over to Verdur Lassraielen who legs it out of range. Then in a spitefully commendable move Erucion fouls Francois and breaks his arm. Sadly the referee deems that kind of injury above what he has been bribed for and Erucion has to follow Francois off the pitch. Slayers then try to press forwards towards the ball, allowing Verdur to hand it over to Catcher Risscon Sharairin who can easily outrun every Slayer on the pitch to a safe haven by the Slayers’ End Zone.

Sadly enough Danton had a head start, and through two difficuly dodges he manages to take Risscon down and knock him out. Slayers still can't get any more players to the place, and Danton is quickly pushed out of the way to make way for Catcher Vergalad Lassraielen running in the equalizer.

Only now there are still ten Slayers, but only seven Era players on the pitch, and Danton quickly knocks one out leaving Era defending with six against ten plus a Wizard. And Horthion fails a dodge while running to pose a thread by one flank, meaning the Slayers head down the other side. Slayers even get to risk it by blocking with the ball carrying Yakov against a wrestler, but nothing can go wrong for them. Line-Elf Morthanning Malthaldrien manages a desperate blitz through the heavy screen, but can only push Yakov up against the sideline and gets badly hurt by Robespierre for his troubles and the Slayers coach even has time for two attempts of handing the ball over to Goblin Alfredo Costa who gets to walk in the game-winning touch down.

Renko Federenko

Rat-a-tat-tat (Skaven) lost to Time of Death (Underworld) 0-2. Rat-a-tat-tat’s Kick Drum earns the trooper award for surviving two bomb blasts and a fouling (only in the second half did he finally get KO’d!). Plenty of other rats decided to nap instead, however, and Death entered halftime up one. It looked like the Rats were grinding towards a standard draw, but Death remembered they had a Wizard, and he zapped the ball carrier. Rhituk and Leekit then showed off their ball handling by passing down-field to get the bonus touch down. Unfortunately, this gets Death nowhere near the playoffs, and will make it very difficult for Rat-a-tat-tat to make it.

The Sticky Fingers (Halfling) lost to D. C. UniteDead (Khemri). It was an ominous day for the Fingers when two of their Treemen got stuck right off the bat. The UniteDead really rubbed off on the Flings, and nearly sent Spatula to his second life (he got patched up fine). This left no security for when the reaper came for Whisk, whose extra armor didn’t help any. The real loss of the day came when the star of the team, Jug, sent himself to a small grave instead of his target. Even though Colander scored a touch down in memory of them, it’ll be UniteDead continuing their streak up in a play-off spot.

The King Slayers (Underworld) beat Era of Night (Elf) 2-1. The Slayers started off by killing an Elf who didn’t really belong, and Night just let him go. And, despite the Troll Guillotine spending most of the drive forgetting what to do, the Slayers still ground out the half to score. Night looked in trouble when they lost the ball, but scooped it right back up to even it out. Back on the Slayers’ drive, animosity amongst the ranks nearly wrecked their offense, but they quickly recovered and won. The regicidalists are all but installed in the play-offs, and Night will have to wait for dawn to rise on the next season for another shot.

Old Dirty Dodge Ballers (Lizardman) beat Nur Leila is Geila (Human). The Ballers got off to a quick start despite going down a Saurus early in the game. Geila had enough time to score, but they lost the numbers game, and didn’t have enough man power to equalize. The Humans needed to equalize quickly to have a chance at winning, but the crowd rioted to lessen their chances. The Ballers took the rest of the clock to get the game-winner, and become the first team from Group 6 to secure their spot in the play-offs.

Jack Rags

 

[John McGuirk]

Group 7

All My Exes (Amazon) beat Oakshields (Dwarf) 2-0 through forfeit. The Dwarves must’ve taken a page from Bashful’s book because they didn’t even show up for their match [Surely 'Bashful' would have shown up and smashed the other guys into the turf? - Ed]. The Exes will have to rebound back in the Crunched Cup, so hopefully there’ll be plenty of fish in the sea. On the pitch? You get the idea.

Elfis Prelfley (Elf) beat Anvil and Hammer (Dwarf) 1-0. In a show-stopping opening, Blue Suede Shoes walked over to where Prelfley was kicking the ball and caught it… in a blizzard! That didn’t last long as Hammer hurt him off the pitch and got their drive doing again. Prelfley was both hard to nail down and more violent than the Dwarves, and stole the ball repeatedly. After successfully stopping the touch down, Burning Love decided to go out as a comet, killing himself trying to dodge away and hit someone. The Dwarves were so baffled by the first half that they didn’t notice Return to Sender returning the ball to Hound Dog on the side. The touch down and the win officially put Prelfley into the play-offs, and Hammer will have to hope for a certain series of events to get in.

Viashino Sandstalkers (Lizardman) beat Farfetched Tactics (Wood Elf) 3-0. Raging Bull the Kroxigor really raged this match, exploiting a self-downed Treeman to kill Britt the Bangs. Later, the niggling injury finally caught up with Fleur the Fringe when Raging Bull sent her to the graveyard with Britt. The second half was less bloody, and saw Chocise get two of the Sandstalkers’ touch downs. Tactics even managed to find their apothecary for a smashed collar bone (he called it “fixed” by relocating the damage to her eye, somehow). The Sandstalkers will be enjoying their Elf flesh meal on their way to the play-offs, and Tactics will have to patch themselves up while defending the third slot at the same time.

The Eshin Prowlers (Skaven) beat Where is the Spoon! (Halfling) 3-0. The first battle over the ball saw a ton of dodging from both sides and a lot of scattered Halflings, which eventually got the Prowlers the opener. They even followed up on an exposed ball-carrier to score again in the last moment before half-time. In the second half, even though Spoon had more players on the pitch, Otto still flubbed a Hail Mary pass, giving it to the Rats. After Farsta brought it in for his second touch down, I was knocked unconscious by an exuberant Prowlers fan. Apparently everyone else called it a day then too, because from what I hear nothing happened after that. The Prowlers are on the cusp of the play-offs, and they’re hoping to take the place of their opponent, Farfetched Tactics, next week.

Jack Rags

 

[John McGuirk]

Group 8

Beauty Queens Gone Wrong (Chaos Dwarf) lost to Team Agent (High Elf) 0-2 by forfeit. All the Agents’ elite trackers couldn’t hunt the Queens down. They’ll be joining a few other teams in the last week squabble for a play-off spot, so hopefully they’ll be able to follow up this first win with one earned on the pitch!

The Hell Hounds (Lizardman) beat Tactical Procedure (High Elf) 2-0 by forfeit. Procedure must’ve taken a tactical retreat because they “missed” the kick-off. This secures the Hounds a ticket to the play-offs, and they even get to sit out next week against the Queens Gone Missing.

Kanto Elitists (Human) lost to Ironhead Bashers (Orc) 1-2. The Bashers bided their time through the first half, and never lost the ball. The Elitists couldn’t say the same, but Mori the Slippery slipped by to recover the ball. On their drive, the Bashers lost the ball on a flubbed pass, but it was Goldenarm showing off his golden legs to go for the touch down. The Bashers are in second place overall with this win, while the Elitist can claim to be better than the team that showed up for one match.

The Tollers of the Bell (Chaos Dwarf) lost to The Frozen Touch (Norse) 0-2. The Tollers chose to receive, but Touch were able to knock down the ball carrier and catch it as it bounced through the crowd. They were able to score, but on their own drive lost the ball after Heimdall remembered he wasn’t an Elf mid-dodge. Odin was there to catch the ball again though, and Touch won the game, as well as a chance to play the other fourth-placer, Team Agent.

Jack Rags

 

[John McGuirk]

Group 9

(Chaos; Stobelius) Blast Beat Lockup vs New Orc Emperors (AllyRdr; Orc)

Hard Rock Lordis against Orcs playing ball with a stick. The Orks have the experience and the history of winning. Chaos have a Minotaur, and some seriously heavy bass beats and wicked riffs. Or was that riff-raff? The Emperors have recently added a Troll to their team, and seem to think that kicking is an excellent opportunity to put Wilhelm (the Troll) on the Line of Scrimmage to learn how to play. The Beat set up fairly far forward, but back some players off at the last moment, which pays heavy dividends as the Emperors blitz their own kick and mark up Beat players right, left and centre.

Beat respond right away with Minotaur Napalm Death blitzing black ork Titus II up against the sidelines and breaking his leg in the process. The Emperors apothecary for the match shouts something about a man named Charlie and how he shouldn't surf players and has to be restrained before his crazed antics kill Titus, and the Emperors bench is depleted before the game has properly started.

With one sideline reasonably safe agile Beastman Effect Pedal grabs the ball and heads towards that area where he can be screened off from the nearby Emperors and definitely out of range from most of the Ork team. Lacking any safeties at all, the Emperors can only look on as Effect Pedal ambles up to the end zone and scores the opening touch down.

First half, second drive, Emperors receiving and Beat are missing their Warrior Backup Riff, but both teams can still field eleven players. Flushed with success, Beat now blitz their own kick, but can't prevent the Emperors from easily caging up by the Line of Scrimmage. But since the cage was in contact with a couple of Warriors, oddly named Khir starebaag (apparently a permanent fixture on the team) KILLS! rookie Line Ork Puyi and gets to mark the ball carrying Blitzer Charlemagne.

Emperors easily clear this troublesome Warrior away and reform a nice defensive screen in the wide zone, until rookie Black Ork Montezuma falls down together with Effect Pedal, leaving an open path for the latter right to Charlemagne, an opportunity which is immediately used to get up and blitz Charlemagne to spill the ball. Charlemagne gets back up and blitzes Effect Pedal down so Thrower Tiberius can pick up the ball, but for some reason he passes Blitzer Napoleon who seems to be as surprised as the audience as he spills the ball out in the open. Tiberius manages to recover the ball, but the delay has cost the Emperors both in time and in screening power, and Beastman Unwanted Solo easily blitzes Tiberius down to steal the ball and stop any opportunity for an Emperor score.

Second half sees the Emperors’ own drive and both teams are fielding ten players as the Beats Beer Babes seem to add a considerable attraction to the dugouts. At least few players seem to recover from having been knocked out. Tiberius recovers the very deep kick and heads towards the Line of Scrimmage while the two teams stand still and trade blows, with a slight advantage to the Beats since the Emperors spend more time walking up to be punched.

Finally Tiberius reaches the Line of Scrimmage and crosses into the Beat half inside a terribly malformed cage scrunched up against the sideline, so Beat call back a trio of Beastmen as safeties before sending in Napalm Death who manages to bash his way up next to Tiberius, and blitzing him down takes so much effort that Tiberius has to back down into the Emperors half again to find a screen to hide behind. Emperors then do a lateral shift to try to head down the centre, but Beat beat them to it and lock up that route as well, before blitzing up next to Tiberius and managing to get two Warriors next to him.

Instead of trying to move the ball away to safety, the Emperors blitz and block their opponents away to form a few paces of safe area, except that Khir is playing possum next to Tiberius and blitzes up from the ground to knock him out and spill the ball - that is caught by Charlemagne, who still hasn't given up on scoring. Only he is ordered to hand over the ball to Blitzer Caligula who legs for it - only with two Beastmen as safeties Beat easily take him down and guard the ball until the game ends with a one to nil Beat victory.

Renko Federenko

Ay up sports fans.

Blast Beat Lockup (Chaos) beat New Orc Emperors (Orc) 1-0. Bloody ‘ell. I always sayin’ dere not enuff Orc teams in der Crunch Cup, like in See See Ecks dere basic’lly not any, an’ den now I hear dere loads, so I come bak to der Courier jus in time to see 'em... doin’ bobbins. Anova two weeks an dere not any Orcs in der Crunch Cup, an’ I can’t even enjoy dem while dere are cos dey losin’. Useless gits. If you ask me it tippy.. it typerr.. it happen jus like you eckspect, wot you fink's rain really jus der world takin a piss down your neck. Anyway dem Chaos weirdos still hav a chance to go thru to der play-offs.

Toxik Taktix (Underworld) beat Tor Achare Buccaneers (Wood Elf) 2-1. My first fort when I see dis result is, ‘wot’s an Underworld?’. I ask Gunnar an’ he tell me it wen a bunch of sicknin’ traitor Gobbos abandon dere true lineage an’ join anova team to try an’ win games, but dey too thick to join Orcs an’ act’lly hav a chance of doin’ dat. Lineage new word I know, it wen you get dem lines on your face an’ people can tel you gettin’ past it. Anyway I not sure ‘bout wot Gunnar sed cos dis Underworld team beat some pansy Elves an’ everyone know pansy Elves no mugs. Tho dey are pansies. Der result mean dese teams both maybe go thru, but den, maybe not. So I gues it not really mean anyfing.

Wild Lionesses (Amazon) lost to Crunch Cup Chaos Dwarves (Chaos Dwarf) 0-2. Ow do you solve a problem like Tulisa? You kill ‘er. Apologies to der coach ov der Wild Lionesses if dat joke in poor taste. To be honest I surprised der weirdo Dwarfs not kill more Amazons, it kind of what Dwarfs do to begin wiv before dey start worshippin’ weirdo death gods. Well, dey still leadin’ dere group anyway, so I gues dey not too bothered. Der Amazons also got a chance to progress, dey need a good win in dere last game tho. Better hope dey play dem Orcs den I gues. I a bit touchy ‘bout dis in case you not notice.

Dry Stifflers (Khemri) lost to Stone Cold Killers (Lizardman) 0-2 by forfeit. Dis anova way to get a win. Turn up an’ hope der other blokes forget. In dis case it not clear if der dusty Skellies forget dey got a game, or forget dey in der Crunch Cup. Wen you many-many-many-many years old I gues you forget a lot, maybe cos you worrying ‘bout your lineage all der time. It not matter much tho cos dey not gonna be in it for long. But den der Lizzie ain’t gonna be either, so I not really sure why I even takin’ der time to write dis. It pointless. Why you still readin’ it? I jus told you it not matter. But you still readin’ it, that wot I not get. Wot the - you STILL readin’ it! Wot’s your deal, pal?

Gutrog Word-Knower

 

[John McGuirk]

Group 10

Captians Crunch (Human) beat Scattering Skinks (Lizardman) 1-0. There was little on the line in this match other than pride, but that didn’t stop it being a keenly contested affair. It is much to the shame of other coaches this group summary could mention that it was any kind of contested affair, being as it was a game between two of the tournament’s replacement teams. It was a bruising affair, seeing Skink and Saurus alike carted off the field under quite the full spectrum of physical disarray, while the Humans suffered mainly KOs, but didn’t get many of them back, which helped keep things tight. A late winner courtesy of Terri Aki secured the Captians’ win.

Disrobing Damsels (Amazon) drew with Average is good Enough (Human) 1-1. Predictably enough the young Human side struggled to handle the fleet-footed Amazonians, who fought like furies in the second half - but couldn’t quite grasp a late winner despite securing the ball. At this advanced stage in the competition neither team will have wanted to lose, but a failure to snatch the full quota of points could yet come back to haunt either of these teams as they look to secure a play-off berth.

Da Bak Breakerz (Orc) drew with Craggy Island XI (High Elf) 1-1 in an administrated result. The Match Day deadline falling on the 13th was apparently all it took for the jittery Jesuits to declare a religious holiday and refuse to play all week. The commissioners were all set to hand the Bak Breakerz the win, until pictures reached them of a contingent of sun-bathing Orcs splayed out on the beach in their swimming gear. Such was the offense taken at the sight of so many unripened banana hammocks that the Asur were cut in on a share of the result. A point means both teams will continue to sweat their league standing right into their final games.

J&B Mining (Dwarf) beat Doity Rats (Skaven) 2-0 by forfeit. J&B’s season looked in serious trouble after last week’s defeat, but a timely forfeiture courtesy of the group’s long-standing absentee Skaven catapults them right back into the thick of things. They find themselves level with the Amazon team they have to play in MD7, suggesting that things are about to get profoundly messy.

Jeremiah Lautmann

 

[John McGuirk]

Standings​

Match Day 7

Stomp the Press

 

[John McGuirk]

CC Match of the Week Live!​

Interview with the Mysterious Clicking Sound

The Mysterious Clicking Sound was born in Nuln to loving parents; a mystery detective novel and the sound of knitting needles at work. A youth spent at the Marienburg Private Academy for Sounds, Emotions and Other Abstract Phenomena marked the Mysterious Clicking Sound out for greatness at a tender age, demonstrating a prodigious aptitude for mental arithmetic, philosophy and lacrosse. Growing into an assured and articulate post-adolescence, the Mysterious Clicking Sound entered the civil service shortly after graduation and quickly set about ascending the ranks.

But adversity lay in wait. A prized position at the Imperial Ministry in AltDwarf soon became derailed by controversy and internecine political warfare, the particulars of which remain jealously guarded by court injunctions and non-disclosure agreements to this day. All that is really known is that the Mysterious Clicking Noise left the service mere months after appointment and under a considerable cloud. Still commanding a high public profile, thanks to the media coverage surrounding the scandal, the Mysterious Clicking Noise drifted into punditry. Now, having flitted between various Blood Bowl-related posts on Cabalvision and in the print media, it has arrived as perhaps the best-recognised founding member of Match of the Week Live!'s parent corporation, Viajero & Partners & Mysterious Clicking Sounds Inc.

CCC: Thank you for taking the time to speak with us, Mysterious Clicking Sound. Before we begin, I was wondering why other founding members of your organisation are referred to merely as ‘Partners’, where on the other hand your own name is right up there in lights, so to speak. Can you explain the importance of your role in the venture that warrants such special treatment?

Mysterious Clicking Sound: [Mysterious clicking sound]

Ah. Actually, in his case, I was assuming it was just vulgar egotism. But certainly, I take your broader point. So I think our readers might be interested to know a little more about the process behind making an episode of Match of the Week Live!. Where does it all begin?

[Enigmatic ticking sound]

I see. And if you can’t get Citizen Nev out of the bath, what then?

[Inscrutable clacking sound]

Well he’s got only himself to blame if it falls off! And how do you go about selecting which game to report on?

[Unknowable tapping sound]

I see - which is presumably why Barninho’s teams will never be featured, ever. Do you have any interesting behind-the-scenes anecdotes you can tell us about?

[Recondite chirping sound]

Ha ha! Right in the sternum, you say?

[Arcane chucking sound]

Fascinating. As you say, it’s a good thing he’s a castrato, or you’d have been in quite the pickle!

Well, now, Mysterious Clicking Sound, I’d like, if I may, to turn to your time at the Imperial Home Office -

[Guarded clicking sound]

Granted, but with all respect, I think our readers will be interested to hear your insights into some of the events that took place during your tenure.

[Irritable clicking sound]

Well, as it happens, I was going to mention the escapes from AltDwarf Maximum Security Gaol. I appreciate your sensitivity, here, but nevertheless the uncertainty surrounding your dismissal of the Head of Public Prisons at the time, Mr. Lou Iss, has continued to linger to this day, and I -

[Dismissive clicking sound]

Hm. Mr. Clicking Sound, have you ever lied in any public statement?

[Repudiatory clicking sound]

Right. Can you help us with this then? Despite your insistence of not having been involved in the suspension of the AltDwarf Gaol governor, Mr. Lou Iss has recently claimed in an interview with the Beholder that, when he objected to that suspension on the grounds that it was an operational matter, you ‘threatened to instruct him to do it.’ Are you saying that Mr. Lou Iss iss - I beg your pardon - is lying?

[Indignant clicking sound]

So you are saying that Mr. Lou Iss lied?

[Nonplussed clicking sound]

Yes -

[Condemnatory clicking sound]

Well, that -

[Disdainful clicking sound]

But on that very point, if I may, Mr. Lou Iss has said: ‘I’ - that is, Mr. Lou Iss - ‘told him about the situation at Maximum’ - that is, AltDwarf Maximum Security Gaol - ‘and he’ - that is, you - ‘exploded, saying that simply moving the governor was politically unpalatable; it sounded indecisive; it would be seen as a fudge. If I did not change my mind and suspend the governor he would have to consider overruling me.’ You can’t both be right, Mr. Clicking Sound.

[Irate clicking sound]

Did you threaten to overrule him?

[Scornful clicking sound]

Did you threaten to overrule him?

[Defiant clicking sound]

Did you threaten to overrule him?

[Negatory clicking sound]

Did you threaten to overrule him?

[Insistent clicking sound]

Did you threaten to overrule him, Mr. Clicking Sound?

[Aggravated clicking sound]

Did you threaten to overrule him?

[Bemused clicking sound]

Did you threaten to overrule him?

[Perturbed clicking sound]

I note you’re not answering the question of whether you threatened to overrule him.

[Flustered clicking sound]

I’m sorry, I’m going to be frightfully rude - I’m quite sorry, it’s a straight-forward, yes or no question, can you give me a yes or no answer - did you threaten to overrule him?

[Pause]

[Evasive clicking sound]

With respect, that is not answering the question of whether you threatened to overrule him.

[Beleaguered clicking sound]

With respect, you haven’t answered the question of whether you threatened to overrule him!

[Adamant clicking sound]

Well, I’m afraid that’s all we have time for. Mysterious Clicking Sound, thank you.

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?&v=6tJ-UCaREcE]CCXI MD6 G1 Barmution (Lizards ) vs Nikolai II (Wood Elves) - YouTube[/ame]

 

[John McGuirk]

Feeditch’s Gnawing Me, Gnawing You
Starring Coach Limdood​

Well dat woz a bit ov unplesentnes.

Eva since I took dat job Moonlightin in Moonlight Springs (afore it burnt down) Ive always kept my gud eye on wos bin 'appenin in de 'Hired Goons' buzyness. So I gets a offa for a bit a one-time hired goonery an I finks, 'Sure, why not'. Wel it turns out you cant beet up peeple like you use to an I gots frown in de clink for a few days ta 'cool off'. Wos de world comin to? I dunno but if you cant crack skulz anymoar is a sad, sad place.

Anyway, wen I wos locked up an all I gots talking to a guy whos coaching guys in de Crunch Cup. Dats wen my journalissic initiatif kicked in an I asked him de questions.


Feeditch: Alrigh Coach Limdood. Im gona ask de questions now. 'Ow are you findin it dis season?

Limdood: Errr, hello my overfriendly cellmate. Do we have to be so formal?

Yeh cos dis is for postery

Oh...Ok then. It's my first time in the cup, so I don't have much to compare to, but the quality of players in the cup is very good. Every game worries me, and every win or draw is rewarding.

Oh right. Well, why do you coach Norseymen?

Well I was looking for a nice and well-rounded Human team to coach, to get my bearings in this cup. Ragnarok-N-Roll got in touch with me, and I didn't read the fine print very well. By the time I figured out they were a few eggs shy of a dozen (I mean, who goes out onto a Blood Bowl pitch in a helmet and loincloth?) My mark was already down on the contract. Quick tip: Don't try and welch on a deal with a Yhetee.

I know wot you meen mate. Are you worried 'bout all your players gettin killed in every game?

Worried? If they all get killed, I can go coach another team. At least that was one of the lines in the contract....

*At dis point an ugly lookin Berserker from da adjacent cell called Sid Vicious trys to grab Coach Limdood thru da bars*

...Huh? Ahhh! Sorry! I mean of COURSE I'm worried! I try my hardest to keep all my players alive every game... ESPECIALLY Sid!

Yous doing alrigh' in de league, wos your secret?

You've heard of sacrificing chickens to Nuffle before Blood Bowl games? Well, instead I sacrifice...ummm....nevermind. And No! I DON'T know where all the missing vagrants in West AltDwarf have gone, so ask someone else! It's bad enough being locked up under these spurious allegations as it is!

Chill out mate. Wos bin your toughest game so far dis season?

Coach Barristan has given me the game where I felt that we only had a shot at a draw at best. In all my other games, I've felt that by making a few less mistakes, we would have done far better. On the other hand, my last match against Dionysian's Orcs was the toughest on my roster, with the injury box staff getting a real workout that game. It meant two of my players were too hungover....errr...injured to make our last game.

Interestin. Now, Who do you fink will win de Crunch Cup?

Well, Coach Barmution and Coach Lebe have impressive seasons and good looking teams...

*He glances at Sid agen*

...I mean, Ragnarok-N-Roll of course! *nervous chuckle*

Las question. Why are Trolls de best at Blood Bowl?

Well, I can't think of any more entertaining player to watch on the pitch than a Troll with a team of nice, plump Goblins. Err, is that a good enough answer? Not yet huh? Well, they're big...and strong...and, umm, smart? In fact, I only wish I could *cough* have some Trolls on my team *cough.* Oh look at the time! I have to get back to, ummm, team practice!

But yous is locked up in jail!

I can't let a little thing like that get in my way. All I need is some chalk and a large rat and we can have ourselves an impromptu tactics session.

Feeditch de Troll

Contributors this week: Barninho, Barmution, Citizen Nev, Fallowheart, Gallows Bait, John McGuirk, Jrpeart, LoopH0le, Nikolai II and Viajero.

 

[Limdood]

Another wonderful courier. And what a handsome devil you decided to interview after that clicking sound....such profound insights!

 

[TravelScrabble]

I'll be savoring this Courier as I pace relentlessly back and forth across my living room

 

[Panda with issues]

Group 2



The Farting Gamblers (Skaven) beat Those Fancy Pants (Human) 3-1. With nothing left to play for other than honor, everybody's favourite Pants was once again smeared with defeat. Not only did the Pants get predictably outscored by the much faster and more agile opposition but they also lost the casualty war, if only by a small margin. This changes absolutely nothing for the Pants with regards to divisional position but propels the Gamblers to not only a temporary first place but also the first guaranteed play-off spot in the division. Much to the chagrin of your dear reporter, Mr. Butt Trumpet the Third duly celebrated with a fanfare performed with his favourite instrument.

The Pants don't get changed often!

 

[danton]

[Congratulatory clicking sound]

 

[Netsmurf]

Gunnar approves of the interview with the Mysterious Clicking Sound - Gunnar says "Oi, that there sound is one of them good guys, what never do any wrong and he buys Gunnar nice tea"