Crunch Cup Courier #72

[John McGuirk]

Only two gold pieces!​

It was several months after the party. We sat in a luxury box at the Superghoul Pre-Memorial Stadium - said luxury seemingly being that the windows had glass, and that the seats didn’t come with a guarantee of splinters (more of a problem for a Wight than you might expect). An excitable and voluminous crowd swelled below us as we watched as the Bleat Street Esurients romped to their third touch down over the AltDwarf Plumbers' Union, all but securing them the, ah, coveted Bugman's Fermented Yeast Sandwich Spread Trophy.

Spearheading the attack was none other than Maggie, who had earned the nickname the Iron Lady, who seemed to interpreting the word literally as she marched through the enemy lines. A half-dozen Skaven Linemen dangled ineffectually from her arms and legs. In one enormous, decomposing hand she clutched at the ball; in the other, a square, small but vicious-looking leather bag.

'Two tackles come in!', came the voice of an excitable commentator from the box next to ours. 'Three! Four!! But they're just bouncing right off her, Bob! This Zombie is simply unstoppable!’

‘That’s right, Jim,’ came the reply, a bellow that could have silenced Sralecks Fergalsson himself. ‘It seems the Lady's not for turning!'

'Well,' I said, turning to Aida Dog, 'I must say this is a much more amicable resolution than we were expecting.' Despite the somewhat inauspcious circumstances of our first meeting, a friendship had somehow blossomed between us - and this even though, as it turned out, she really had had a dog, and that that dog had died of dog cancer. Things had been super awkward for a while.

'What do you mean?', she asked.

'Well, for one thing, you didn’t set our building on fire. The staff really appreciate that, by the way. But more to the point - didn’t you say Maggie was going to be the end of Blood Bowl as we knew it? Whereras, on the contrary - ’ I gestured to the action below - ‘she's helping take the game to new heights of popularity.'

On the pitch, a Gutter Runner flung itself onto Maggie's back and latched its claws into her skull. The towering Zombie seemed to take no notice at all, until with a swing so fiersome it seemed to rend the air, the bag was sent arcing up, there to meet the assailants' own noggin with a sickening splutch and knock it clean into the crowd. The fans descended upon the blood souverneir in a frenzy of delight.

'That’s one unionist beyond the help of socialised medicine, Bob!', cackled our neighbouring pundit through the adjoining partition.

'It's “blights out” for him, Jim!' agreed his co-commentator.

'I'm not sure what you mean,' Aida said, smiling coyly. 'Since her debut, Maggie has been solely responsible for the premature termination of over fifty careers. If she keeps up at this rate, there'll be no able-bodied players in the Empire in less than two decades.'

This was a compelling argument, but I didn't quite buy it. 'But this can't have been your original plan. You must have had something - I don't know, grander in mind.'

‘Well…’ Aida trailed off, a wistful look in her eye, as a Stormvermin slammed into our window. Sliding, squeakily, down into the crowd, it left behind a trail of something I'm loathe to identify here. 'She was a great political strategist once. You know.. before. We thought she that when we revived her, she was going to come up with some masterful scheme to bring down the Blood Bowl community.'

'Ah. But she just started moaning about brains, presumably?'

'No, not at all! She came up with a wheeze for the ages. We were going to establish a network of as many private investigators and dirt-diggers as we could get our hands on. You know - real muck-rakers, dumpster-divers. Tabloid journalists. The lowest of the low. Er, no offence.'

'None taken. What then?'

'And then we'd sic them on the Blood Bowl fraternity, of course. Players, coaches, owners.. you name it. We’d dig up as much compromising material as we could, and then feed it all to the press. Moral panic ensues, pressure builds to unsustainable levels, and the sport's key instutions collapse. Or so we thought, anyway. We called the strategy - '

‘Don’t tell me,' I said. 'Private eyes-ation?'

'How did you know? Well, anyway, it didn't work. Turns out the Blood Bowl community just laps up all that scandal and muck. We only made the sport more popular than ever.'

'That must have stung a bit. Oof! But not as much as that did, I'll bet.'

In a last-gasp attempt to make Maggie’s inexorable advance more - er - exorable, the Plumbers' hulking Rat Ogre had planted itself into the turf in the path of the advancing Zombie. As Maggie neared, the Ogre, snarling, seized hold of the ball with its two gnarled paws - only to find Maggie calmly seizing hold of them, before snapping them off at the wrists. As the poor creature flailed in agony, she trundled into end zone with possession restored: of paws, claws, ball and everything.

'Well, I'm philosophical. It did lead to the birth of a whole wave of new franchises, after all - including the one Maggie now plays for.' Aida grinned. 'It's a bit like - oh, how does that old saying go?'

'If you can't beat them, join them?'

'Exactly. And then, obviously,' she went on, indictating Maggie's trail of destruction on the pitch - ‘then you can beat em. To death. With their own hands. And get a hell of a lot of money for doing it.'

And so, a happy ending. Not just for we here in Bleat Street, mind you - there's been all manner of winners and losers in the Crunch Cup this season, from our newly-crowned Champions to the various coaches hailed in the Courier's End of Season Awards. The details of which - and much more - can be found in this very edition.

And this is the end for me, too readers. I've been tapped up for the top job at the Daily Hex-Press, the leading Naggaroth newspaper for practioners of the dark arts, where I can look forward to spending a great deal of time in the company of Witch Elves. I think that's a good thing. Friends in high places - whoever thought that would pay off, eh?

In this edition:

• All the action from the grand climaxes of Crunch Cup XI and the Crunched Cup!
• The very best of the final rendered in glorious full colour*!
• A sensation of statisticry in our Mathemagickal season review!
• The Crunch Cup XI Courier awards, hosted** by Gutrog Word-Knower!
• Interviews with both of our finalists!
• And more!!

*Colour may not be glorious. Readers are reminded that both black and white are colours and as such, combined, may legally constitute “full colour”.
**Gutrog has been allowed to host the awards again this year on condition that he conduct the ceremony somewhere guaranteed to be absolutely free of innocent bystanders should there be another.. incident. It was assumed he’d never manage it, so we were quite impressed when he found a venue that undeniably fitted the bill.

Roger Knightly

 

[John McGuirk]

Semi Finals​

(Dreamy; Wood Elf) Blonde Bombers 0-2 Malekith Cocktails (Kazman29; Dark Elf)

Well, even the richest Elven prince can occasionally run short of funds after indulging in too many luxury escorts, but it truly marks how desperate my situation has become when I need to turn to employment under the direct supervision of *sniff* Humans. I’ve even had to submit myself to buying discount high-end luxury skincare products!

OK, enough about me (well, I don’t really think so, but my current, erm, “boss” insists…). Onto the match.

In such a vulgar, common sport as this Blood Bowl seems to be, it is nice to see it being raised from the gutter by being played by two properly superior Elven teams, even if none of them have any claim to royalty. Ah well, not everybody can be this perfect. I’m told this game features a relative newcomer coach to this “Crunch Cup” by the name of Kaz. Inevitably he’ll likely have his throat cut the murderous Dark Elves currently on his team. In the meantime, however, he’s had some recent success defeating well known coaches such as Viajero and Mardaed (he must have cheated viciously to defeat true Elven princes, clearly his team is already wearing off on him). He’ll be facing an apparently very well known coach by the name of Dreamy, coaching his woods-dwelling Elven team, the Blonde Bombers (when you can’t pull together a team of true Elven royalty, I suppose Wood Elves will do in a pinch). Dreamy has apparently also clawed his way to his current spot, defeating the impressive necromantic team coached by Lebe in his last game.

The match kicks off with the Bombers kicking off the ball, and the crowd kicking off a rather hefty chunk of granite, with the Cocktails on the receiving end of both! Dunmerbomber deftly fields the ball, and Painkiller not-so-deftly fields the granite. Dunmerbomber deftly hands the ball back to Bloody Maryne (honestly! The names these Elf commoners choose for themselves….shameful!), who proceeds to try to move the ball down to the end zone. The rest of his team has other ideas and proceeds to just knock down and foul the Bombers players, and Bloody Maryne pays the price, losing the ball to the imposing Jailbreak Jenny. The dirty Dark Elf tactics pay off though, and the Bombers are too weakened to hold onto the ball, losing it back to the Cocktails immediately, and having their fifth player carried off the field in only a quarter of the game!

The Cocktails continue their lazy walk downfield to score, right before the halftime whistle, but not before removing two more Bombers from the field.

The Bomber players seem to have had enough, and most of them feign unconsciousness on the sidelines, but the Bombers still manage to take the remaining seconds of the half to try a desperate sprint to the end zone. Even a perfect physical specimen, such as an Elf, can still fail when contested by similar racial superiority, and the ball makes it to the end zone, but not accompanied by the player who was meant to be holding it!

Only half of this miserably droll game to go, and the Cocktails lead 1-0.

The second half sees the Cocktails line up with eleven Elves to the Bombers’ nine. I suspect more foul play on the part of their coach, Kaz. Clearly he has no morals to be coaching a team such as this. The Bombers’ players seem more interested in avoiding injury at this point, and immediately drop a pass on the first chance they get, most likely in the hopes that the Dark Elves and their paid off referee will leave them alone and just grab the ball. The Cocktails are apparently out for blood though, and simply pile towards the Wood Elves at midfield attempting to cause as much damage to their infinitely more goodhearted brethren. With their hopes of an injury free second half being dashed, the Bombers recover the ball and attempt to run down the field, but a shamefully undignified brawl breaks out midfield, with the ball changing hands three times, falling on the floor once, getting picked up, falling on the floor again, and getting picked up again before the Cocktails finally run in the 2-0 touch down to seal the game, which is finally over!

While I was pleased to be able to report on a game played by almost-proper Elves (I heard the other reporter was forced to report on deformed ratmen who actually make Humans look sophisticated, can you believe?), clearly these Dark Elves lived up to their name, playing a shamefully illegal game that apparently is encouraged in this sport. Perhaps the next time I’m short of funds, I can find a real sport to comment on.

Valsil Torrianthor

 

[John McGuirk]

(Netsmurf; Skaven) Rats are back in town 3-2 Ironhead Bashers (Evilsquall; Orc)

The Rats are Back in Town took to the field to the crowds rabid screams for “R.A.B.I.T”! And no wonder too, with so many heartthrobs and musical talents in the game, the team was bound to gather a pretty large following – the combination of sweet tunes and a bit of Skaven magic was a delight. RABIT had been the highest scorers, passers, and rushers in the fifth Division, and continued to show that offensive power the play-offs. A third place finish in their Division had really only meant a different road to the semis as a few deaths here and there didn’t deter them from streaking ahead. True practitioners of the Skaven way.

Their opposition, on the other hand, might be described as decidedly less subtle. The Ironhead Bashers consisted of a bunch of players who had been nicknamed after their favorite noun+pain infliction method. They had claimed second place in Division nine, and boasted not only the unsurprising most injuries dealt, but also the most yards rushed. These were a bunch of Orcs who knew to keep an eye on the ball instead of just on their opponents’ weak spots! (Even though now, in the play-offs, they had only kept the lead for injuries inflicted). The crowd they drew, instead of emitting the high-pitched screams of the RABIT fans, were erupting in deep bellows and grunts, and seemed to be mostly focused on the impending violence they hoped to see.

It was there I found myself, between these two horrendous extremes of sound. On the one hand, have my body possibly ripped apart by the fervent bloodlust of Orc fans, or have my ear-drums irrevocably split and my dignity irreversibly tarnished by the sea of obsessed fangirls. I decided to take my chances, and carefully placed myself on the end of a bleacher on the Orc side.

The Bashers got off to a great start too – they KO-ed a rat and Goldenarm nestled the ball to his arms. The Rats replied by trying to give Rib Tickler the boot, but all that gave them was an ejected fouler. The Bashers rubbed it in by hurting Dimebag Darell, RABIT’s Stormvermin with a heavy fist. Netsmurf quickly called his apothecary out, knowing he needed Darell for the rest of the game so as to not get completely outgunned by the Bashers. The Orc fans were completely outraged from being depraved an early blood show, and I tucked myself under the bleachers so as to avoid becoming a scapegoat.

RABIT thus found themselves down three rats for the drive, and without a safety for injuries. The bad luck kept flooding in as Rats found themselves incapable of dodging away to safety, while the Bashers found themselves more than capable of KO-ing a couple more Rats off the pitch. With so little opposition on the field, the Bashers easily stalled for the longest possible time until Goldenarm brought in the ball, 1-0.

The RABIT fans knew this was only the beginning, however, and erupted in cheers as enough Skaven crawled out of the woodwork to field a full team of eleven for the dying breath of the half. The Rats were in perfect harmony as Phil Lynott opened up a hole in the Bashers’ wall, and Marc Bolan passed the Ball over to Gary Moore, who made an easy dodge through to even at 1-1.

As the second half started, it became clear that luck had dragged out her see-saw. The first few punches from the Bashers turned into whiffs, and the Orcs’ Blockhead felt how it was to be in the KO box. The Rats still couldn’t figure out how to dodge away from the Greenskins and Darell was wasting his second wind by punching himself instead. Gary Moore positioned himself to score again, and began winding down the clock. However, the Orcs went about catching Rats, and earned themselves a couple of KOs and a couple of hurts for their trouble. Seeing that their dwindling numbers couldn’t hold off the tide, Moore scored, 2-1.

Both fans were screeching at this point, the Rat side for the touch down, and the Orc side for the spilt blood. I realized that under the bleachers were perhaps not the best place as the Orc fans began stomping in unison, causing all the disgusting things that had been stuck underneath to come off, and onto me. I was too afraid to come back up though, so, as I lay in a pile of dirt, chewed gum, and Nuffle knows else what, I noticed that all the noise in the stadium had vanished. It was completely silent. My eyes darted to the field to discover Goldenarm, his arm stretched out, but without the ball. I searched madly for the ball, and discovered it was impossibly spinning through the air, suspended as if by magic. It was a beautiful pass, on par with the most practiced Elf Throwers. The impossibility continued as it floated gracefully down and landed in the waiting pork-fists of Rib Tickler. Goldenarm, I decided, was the smartest Orc I had ever seen. I might’ve been fooled he wasn’t a body-painted Elf if he didn’t let out a tremendous belch immediately after the score. 2-2.

As the detritus fell anew from beneath the bleachers and entomb me anew, a fresh ball was already being punted over to the Rats. Both teams were clearly eager to settle the game, and, despite the Orcs’ displays of bloodshed and scoring capabilities, the Rats still brought out a full eleven, all eager to perform for their still-believing fans. Dio caught the kick, mid-air, one-handed, and, instead of rushing to score, the Rats all looked to Phil Lynott. Normally a wild beast, Lynott was suddenly gripped with purposed, and calmly pushed the tide of Bashers back, with the rest of the Rat band creeping along behind him. It was Bon Scott who finally brought in the game winner, sealing the deal 3-2.

RABIT was soon wrapped up in signing autographs, and the Bashers began stomping off the field. Perhaps if they had hurt a few more Rats things might have been different. As it was, the Rats proved again just how much offensive firepower they had, and were elated to be taking a almost completely fresh team to the finals. Speaking of fresh, I really need to get all this stuff cleaned off of me. I may be dead, but there’s no way I’ll be caught at the finals smelling like a shit-for-brains Zombie. No offense to those of our flesh-eating inclined readers.

Jack Rags

 

[John McGuirk]

Final​

(Kazman29; Dark Elf) Malekith Cocktails 2-1 Rats are back in town (Netsmurf; Skaven)

Igor: Greetingth thportth fanth,

Welcome to our coverage of the motht important match of the theathon, the Crunch Cup Final between Malekith Cocktails (a Dark Elf team coached by Kaz) and Rats are back in town (a Skaven team coached by former champion Netsmurf).

Luke: The Cocktails win the toss and choose to kick it to the Rats. They have obviously had spies infiltrate the Rats training sessions as they seemed to know how the Rats were going to set up and had come up with a plan to switch positions to confuse them. The Rats’ Rat Ogre chrges into their lines anyway but the rest of the front line were too distracted to take advantage, failing to down any Elves. They do remember to collect the ball and get it into a cage though.

Igor: The Cocktailth move in to tie up ath many Lineratth ath pothible. Then the excitement got too much for the Rat Ogre who thtarted bellowing challengeth at the Cocktailth rather than attacking them. Thith leaveth the retht of the Ratth thtruggling to forthe a clear thpathe around the ball. The Cocktailth thwarm the cage, thurrounding it with huge prethure around the back and thideth.

Luke: They'd left the front of the cage relatively free though and all it would take was the Rat Ogre to stop roaring and start doing his job and the Rats would be able to escape the trap. Predictably enough he keeps roaring and the Rats cage keeps shrinking. The only thing keeping the Rats in the game at this point is the inability of the Cocktails to bring down the ball carrier. The Rat Ogre finally remembers what he is supposed to be doing and helps just about clear a route for the ball carrier to dodge through into the clear but his team-mates can't follow him through.

Igor: Realithing they can't thtop the Ratth from thcoring the Cocktailth go brutal, killing a Storm Vermin so thoroughly that the apothecary can only confirm hith death. They altho move to itholate the ball carrying Gutter Runner which fortheth him to thcore. 1-0 to the Ratth!

Luke: In their drive the Cocktails seem to have used up their aggression for the moment concentrating on setting up a secure position on the right edge of the centre line. The Rats opt to go for a delaying defense getting players in front of the advance while the Rat Ogre tries to smash in the other edge of the Cocktails line. The Cocktails kill another Rat in the process of switching to the left flank, but they send a Blitzer dancing through the columns blocking the right flank as well.

Igor: The Ratth try to repothition to block the way again but end up woefully out of pothition when one gets tripped by a Cocktail foot. Thith allowth the Cocktailth to get deep into Ratth territory in a secure cage. But the Ratth thurround it and a gutter comes racing through to knock the ball out of the carriers hand and another one came through to snag the ball as it bounced loose. The Cocktailth are quick to react however and recover the ball to make it 1-1, jutht ath the ref blew the whithtle for halftime.

Luke: The Cocktails started the second half receiving and established a strong left flank pocket for the ball. The Rats jockey for a position to try and threaten the ball but with the Rat Ogre still refusing to follow the coaches orders they have to bide their time. The Cocktails are able to really secure their strong offensive position, gradually advancing into the Rats half under limited pressure until the Rat Ogre finally reacts and makes an opening to get in and mark the carrier.

Igor: The only thing that achieved wath encouraging the Cocktailth to take the lead with a thimple dodge, but only after they beat up the hapleth and hopeleth Rat Ogre.

Luke: There was still plenty of time for the Rats to equalise though and they set up with the intention of doing just that. They cage up on the left flank and the Cocktails set up a defensive line before finally putting the Rats coach out of his misery by injuring the Rat Ogre.

Igor: I can't imagine he'll be mithed in the retht of the match ath he'th barely done anything up to now. The Ratth thwitch flankth getting behind a thcreen on the right. The Cocktailth blitz thtraight through the thcreen and thtrongly mark up the Ratth ball carrier. Thith fortheth him to try and dodge clear but thomeone managed to trip him, thpilling the ball allowing the Cocktailth to gather it andd keep it thecure for the remainder of the match thecuring the cup for the Malekith Cocktailth with a 2-1 win!

Igor and Luke Enthrop

 

[John McGuirk]

Crunched Cup​

Elfbowlers Inc._VS_Breastest Team Ever

Amazons, like the Breastest Team Ever clearly are, are usually cited as being at a severe disadvantage against dwarves of all kinds. This doesn't seem to be changed by the fact that the dwarves in question claim to be Elves. The Breasts start out on a high note by catching the kick, but the Elfbowlers quickly put a downer on things by smashing the collar bone of a blitzer so hard the apothecary is powerless to change the end result. The Elfbowlers then continue to deal out pain throughout both halves, scoring both on the defensive and then the offensive, and then performing quite elflike by scoring twice more on defensive during the second half, for a four-nil blowout against a not completely destroyed Amazon team.

Ragnarok-N-Roll_VS_Werehere

The Necromantic Undead of Werehere were simply not all there against the steamrolling antics of Ragnarok-N-Roll. Lenny Kravitz fouling foot was having a field day against positinals who simply didn't remember how to regenerate and when half the teams linchpin players had gone missing, Mikko or his team decided ther luck could only turn worse and collectively left the pitch for the Norse to lord over,

Caerdydd Crunchers_VS_Anvil and Hammer

Skilled and effective Orks against even more skilled Dwarves, at least on a player basis. Coach-wise it might be the other way around as the Anvils cede a blitz against their ball carrier the very first turn - but the ball scatters to the adjacent runner who snags the bounce and runs away with it to the other wide zone where he manages to advance slightly until the orcs manage to intercept and take him down, stealing the ball only to fail hilariously and repeatedly to get it to score. On their own drive the Crunchers get a touchback and cage up on the Line of Scrimmage - but somehow their screen is weak enough that the Anvils manage to bust the cage from behind to mark the carrier, and when the Crunchers finally manage to free him up the Thrower runs away on his own until he stumbles on his own feet and lets an Anvil Runner snag the ball and dodge to hand-off to the other runner for the winning touch down.

Nur Leila is Geila_VS_Orphans Tear

Humans against Dark Elves. The Orphans are coming to the Crunched Cup 'fresh' from a stint in division one, which means they lost plenty of players to death and are not ranked notably above the Leilas at all. The Orphans manage to break through the centre thanks to a boneheaded Ogre, but then trust in their runner Mowgli to be able to dump off when blitzed. He fails, but the Catcher that was blitzing him fails too and the Orphans can fumble a pickup and then fail a pass before finally managing to run it in when the Leilas fail a pass too. The Leilas then execute a flawless Elf-fast touch down which the Orphans can't emulate, ending the first half one-one. But then the Leilas hurry their own offense too much and through failed sprints and dodges let the Orphans steal the ball and stall out a win - or almost so. For some reason the Orphans run in from a safe position allowing a last kickoff - which together with a riot allows the Leilas to equalize and send the game into overtime. Where the Orphans finally manage to win it despite fumbling two hand-offs. (But never actually losing the ball).

Orphans Tear_VS_Ragnarok-N-Roll

The Orphaned Dark Elves meet the Apocalypse now. The Rollers start by recieving but can't lay the serious hurt upon the Orphans - until they make some kind of misguided attack upon the cage, after which the pain train comes bearing serious injuries galore (four) while the ball is carried to the end zone. Playing ten against eleven the Orphans start trying the fouling game, quickly getting two players ejected before losing the ball by refusing to risk dodging away from a diving tackler. Another ejection and two merely badly hurt players are suffered by the Orphans while the Rollers amble away with the stolen ball (having tried to pick it up with a Yhetee first) for the second and last touch down of the game.

Elfbowlers Inc._VS_Anvil and Hammer

Dwarves believing they are Elves playing dwarves who believe they are shit. (The first dwarves, that is, not themselves). The Anvils start out by creating a delightful scrum of bashing what they doubly hate - chaos Dwarf Elves. But they fail to protect the rear of their cage against dodging Bull Centaurs, and after a brief scuffle the ball is stolen and the Elfbowlers do a pass to score. (Even if the score includes having to pick up the passed ball from the ground, since the first catch attempt failed). The Anvils can't muster the speed to score during the first half, and the second half opens with the Elfbowlers causing a series of quick casualties, including an opening surf, and scoring quickly. And with only seven Anvils on the pitch and rapidly thinning, they can't perform a drive and are only saved from losing three nil by the Elfbowlers trying to give star player quality to two players at once and failing both.

Pro Snots_VS_Anonymous Anorexics

Battle of the big ones. Six Ogres face down four Tomb Guardians, but the mixed bags of bones are undoubtedly better supporting staff than Snotlings are. And the weightwatchers crowds invade the pitch to take down half the ogres at kickoff. The Snots still manage to advance nicely, until they get sacked once and then repeatedly can't pick up the ball. Second half sees the Anorexics removing ogres and snots alike, but the Snots stall them greatly and then manage to sack and steal the ball as the half is ending. Sadly the Snotling that picked up the ball fell over while trying to sprint farther away and knocked himself out spilling the ball for the Anorexics to easily walk it in, given the endless overtime. And a deep enough kick to stop a thrown Snotling touch down meant it was the winning one.

The Deathseers_VS_All My Exes

The wrath of the Undead face off against equally matched wrath of woman scorned. (Or possibly of scorful women). The heavy blizzard would seem to favor the faster Undead, but not as much as the Exes deciding to not set up their team at all when receiving. (Not that it would necessarily have mattered, since the Seers switched around in a perfect defence). The Exes then left their centerfield open and started sprinting before even marking the ball, thus gifting the ball to the Seers and after a hard scuffle with injured on both sides the Seers capitalized with a defensive touch down. Things then briefly turn tense as the Exes manage to blitz and catch their own kick, but a touch of timidity when aggression would have been the key sees their team walled up against the sideline and the ball carrier surfed and after more wacky antics and crippled Exes the Seers walk in a second touch down for the win.

Renko Federenko

 

[John McGuirk]

Crunched Cup Final​

(Limdood; Norse) Ragnarok-N-Roll vs Elfbowlers Inc. (Mordachai; Chaos Dwarf)

This game of Norse vs. Chaos...Elves? kicked off with a promising beginning, with the underdog Mordachai choosing to augment his dirty player Hobgoblin with a whopping two bribes! Loose balls and critical failures highlighted much of the match, and the first drive was no exception, with RnR recieving, but dropping the ball halfway into Elfbowler territory, only to see it get surrounded by the aforementioned dirty player and both Bulls! The Norse Yhetee Bjork came through with a big blitz here and broke the collarbone of one of the Bulls (a skilled apothecary saves the day and sends him to the reserves instead) but the turn isn't over, and the game takes a sharp turn in the Ragnarok-N-Roller's favor when the Norse dirty player badly hurts the Chorf dirty player...with a block no less! This puts the Elfbowlers with two bribes in reserve, but no dirty player any longer! The other Bull gets surfed into a decidedly docile crowd before RnR runs in their first TOUCH DOWN with their dirty player.

RnR sets up to hold the Elfbowlers, but quickly changes tracks when the dual threat of a perfect kick to the end zone corner and a block turnover by the Elfbowlers sees the Norse Runners sprinting downfield to try to grab a quick two TOUCH DOWN lead. The dice even out as Jimi Hendrix flubs the pickup in the end zone! To rub it in, the Elfbowlers decide they've had enough getting kicked around and promptly kill one of the Norse Lineman. Halftime 1-0 in RnR's favor!

Ragnarok-N-Roll is struggling to keep up with a poor showing of KO rolls, but still manages to take down the Hobgoblin ball carrier and mark up the ball. After several turns of squabbling over the grounded ball, one of the Elfbowler Bulls make an impressive pick-up and hand-off to the OTHER Bull to run out of range and threaten the score. RnR can't get back there in time, only managing to get their dirty player killed as he tries to solo mark a Bull Centaur, and the Elfbowlers score the tying touch down!

Norse have a couple turns to try and score before the game goes into overtime, and the teams are still quite even in numbers, with most of the scariest players still on the field. RnR goes for broke and tries a sideline sprint with a screen and diving tackle markers on the Bulls, but undeterred, Mordachai orders his Bull to take out the Norse ball carrier anyways. It is successful, and the ball spills along the sideline, blocked by a Bull, with only a single turn left in the game. The stars align for RnR coach Limdood and the marker is blocked away, the prone Thrower picks up the ball and wings a pass over to to Jimi who walks in the 2-1 winning TOUCH DOWN at the whistle!

Limmy “the impartial” D. O’Od

 

[John McGuirk]

Crunching the Cup: The CC XI Season in Review​

Ironhead Bashers (Semi Finalists)
Results (6W, 3D, 2L)
Group Stages: 3-0 vs Beauty Queens Gone Wrong (Ama), 1-1 vs Team Agent (HiE), 0-0 vs Tactical Procedure (HiE), 0-1 vs The Hell Hounds (Liz), 1-0 vs the frozen touch (Nor), 2-1 vs Kanto Elitists (Hum), 1-1 vs The Tollers of the Bell (ChD).
Knock-Out Stages: 3-0 vs Tor Achare Buccaneers (WoE), 1-0 vs Crunch Cup Chaos Dwarves (ChD), 3-0 vs Craggy Island XI (HiE), 2-3 vs Rats are back in town (Ska).
Top Stats: Casualties inflicted (30), Deaths inflicted (4), Yards ran (630).

A simple name is a thing of beauty. For instance: do you know what the Ironhead Bashers do? They bash. And they do it rather well. They also win, quite a lot as it happens, such that Crunch Cup newcomer Evilsquall saw his team rise through the unheard-of ranks down in division eight, and then keep rising, upwards and onwards through the merciless knock-outs until only three teams other teams stood along side them. From there, only a match against tournament veteran Netsmurf could bar the Orcs’ progress to the final. Skaven are slippery customers, but the Orcs knew to stick to their strengths. So they bashed. And they did it rather well! But not, alas, quite well enough. Overrun at the last by those skittering fiends, the Bashers discovered their limit. Still, this was an encouraging debut, and we recommend fans keep an eye on Evilsquall’s progress in future iterations of the tournament. He may yet become a household name: Evilsquall Terrace has quite a nice ring to it [I think there might have been a slight misunderstanding here - ed.].


Blonder Bombers (Semi Finalists)
Results (7W, 3D, 1L)
Group Stages: 2-2 vs Yellow Army (Ama), 2-1 vs Mad Missionary Mob (Hum), 2-2 vs Crunch Cup Elite (Nec), 2-1 vs Pimpin aint easy (Cha), 2-0 vs Flailers (Ogr), 2-2 vs Kroxford and thesaurii (Liz), 3-2 vs Orphans Tear (DaE).
Knock-Out Stages: 3-2 vs The Farting Gamblers (Ska), 2-0 vs Mad Missionary Mob (Hum), 3-2 vs Crunch Cup Elite (Nec), 0-2 vs Malekith Cocktails (DaE).
Top Stats: Touch downs scored (23), Passes made (37), Catches made (39).

A double helping of frustration for coach Dreamy’s crew this time round, as these Wood Elves of preternatural talent and questionably-natural follicle tincture fell achingly short, not only of the much-coveted prize but also of their personal bests in CCX (where they went all the way to the big one, only to meet bitter disappointment at the claws of Kroxford & co). A creditable, unbeaten performance in the group stages saw things ticking over nicely, and, having shown real character to come back from 2-0 down in the Round of 32, the Bombers went on to beat two of the tournament’s top coaches back to back. All signs pointed them up as having earned their right for a second shot at the title. But Kazman’s mischevious mixologists seem to have spent more time reading the cocktail menu than they did the script, and so Dreamy’s dreams were shaken, stirred, and then dashed on the rocks - there to be put on ice for yet another season.

Rats are back in town (Runners Up)
Results (8W, 2D, 2L)
Group Stages: 2-0 vs Propo Gobbos (Gob), 4-1 vs Elfbowlers Inc. (ChD), 2-0 vs Anonymous Anorexics (Khe), 0-2 vs The Unluckys (Nec), 1-1 vs Psioratic Arthritis (Liz), 2-1 vs Breastest Team Ever (Ama), 3-3 vs Skavenblight 13’s (Ska).
Knock-Out Stages: 3-0 vs Old Dirty Dodge Ballers (Liz), 2-1 vs D.C. UniteDead (Khe), 3-1 vs The King Slayers (UnW), 3-2 vs Ironhead Bashers (Orc), 1-2 vs Malekith Cocktails (DaE).
Top Stats: Touch downs scored (26), Yards ran (916), Armour breaks sustained (191).

It feels like practically a different era since the days of Rattigans Brave, but CCXI was the season Netsmurf finally returned to his alternatingly beloved/beloathed Skaven, announcing their comeback with both titular words and Blood Bowl-ular deeds. And it was all of the rats back, too: this means Throwers and the Rat Ogre, all of whom have been eschewed in the past. A solid if unspectacular run through the group stages was just a warm up for the team, who shook off a few duff performances and a few dozen injuries to reach the final four at a canter. Despite the Semi Final against the Ironhead Bashers offering the sight of more vermin being put through the mincer than an afternoon at your average AltDwarfian butcher’s, the team found themselves in unnaturally good shape to face off against the drunken Druchii in the final. Sadly their fortunes went from bangers to cocktail wieners. The Rats came off second-best bashers for the umpteenth time this season, and with the Rat Ogre proving the silliest of sausages Netsmurf’s dream of becoming the first Crunch Cup two-time champion disintegrated into ashes like an overcooked frank.

Malekith Cocktails (Champions)
Results (10W, 1D, 1L)
Group Stages: 0-4 vs [BBT] Skip’s Ballers (HiE), 2-2 vs Starfall Supernovas (WoE), 2-0 vs Tottenham Gobspur MkIII (Gob), 1-0 vs Targaryen (Liz), 2-1 vs Pro Snots (Ogr), 2-0 vs Downunder Dreamers (Hum), 2-1 vs Engine of Elfhate (DaE).
Knock-Out Stages: 2-1 vs House of Amber (DaE), 3-1 vs Jorxan Thunder (DaE), 1-0 vs [BBT] Skip’s Ballers (HiE), 2-0 vs Blonde Bombers (WoE), 2-1 vs Rats are back in town (Ska).
Top Stats: Touch downs scored (21), Yards ran (806), Armour breaks inflicted (129).

Elf me. “Even more potent than their rivals-in-kin” was the verdict of this noble organ on the Cocktails at the start of the season, and by Nuffle were they made to prove it. Starting with that final, must-win group game against the rivals in question, Kaz faced a gauntlet of unbroken Elven antagonists some five matches long, the mere thought of which would have most of the coaches reading this seeing in double or crying into their pints. But by a mixture of sheer spite and grain alcohol a route to the final was found - where the toughest challenge yet lay in wait. This is the first final since the Crunch Cup allowed veteran teams that neither contestant has come from the toppermost tier, but don’t think the accomplishment in any way diminished for that: Kazman already unseated the division one candidate in the previous round, after all. Awaiting him in the final game was one of the tournament’s most storied and celebrated contestants, and in a furiously tight battle the advantage swung this way and that across all four drives. But ultimately the Cocktails did enough to secure victory, shutting out the Rats in their desperate last-second sprint for the end zone. For this, and for all the wins that preceeded it, we hail them as worthy the champions of Crunch Cup XI. Congratulations Kaz!

Ottmar Pfennig-Pincher

 

[John McGuirk]

Play of the Day​

So POTD fans... it’s the Final of the CC XI ! Unfortunately some of the better teams had elf problems on their way and didn't reach the final ! Rats and Darkies will have to do !

The best Crunch Cup Skaven coach Netsmurf scored earlier. Its the Dark Elves’ turn with Coach Kazman to equalize. Having inflicted some damage to the rodents and set up a cage so deep it seems all but guaranteed touch down.



These Skaven have been notorious for their aggressive plays and this won't be any different... they hunger for ball ! They surround the cage and a specialized Gutter Runner pops the ball loose...



Then another Runner pops near many Darkies and still manages to handle the ball and jump out of the once solid cage ! Unfortunately he can't move much more and has to stay close... no risking of passes.



Witch time is it ?!

Darkie women show who is the boss in their Matriarchal society ! One dodges out and frenzies down the ball-carrying rat... the ball is on the floor ! The other Witch wrestles down the rat next to the ball. All set...



The team Assassin sneaks out to the end zone and the Lineman picks up to pass and its TOUCH DOWN !!



Nice attempt by the rats to slow down the Darkies. In the end Dark Elf resilience and leather looks helped save the day and win Kazman his first Crunch Cup Title !! Congrats !

Lebe

 

[John McGuirk]

Stomp the Press

Did You Know…​

… that it has been seventy seven years since Dark Elves last won the Crunch Cup? All those decades of hurt were finally put to rest with the triumph of the Malekith Cocktails, who became the first team since the Dread Parries to lift the trophy; a point that has been much belaboured by media commentators in spite of the fact that Kaz, let’s face it, isn’t even really a proper Engl[All right, that’s quite enough of that - ed.]

 

[John McGuirk]

The Crunch Cup Awards
In association with Fatshark​

Ay up sports fans. Wot wiv dem Underworld rat weirdos givin’ up on der Courier, an’ last year’s venue sort of maybe burnin’ to der ground, dis season I ‘ad to save up der money to put on our Crunch Cup Ecks Aye Awards show out’ve me own pocket.

I not get paid much tho, so I thought it might be better to invest, dis bein’ Bleat Street an’ dere bein’ so much ov dat complex bankin’ stuff goin’ on. So I save up my wages for ‘alf a year an’ I stick it all into a hedge fund.

Sadly I forget which bit of der park der hedge wos in, so now it time for der awards an’ I more broke den ever. Fankfully Gunnar ‘ad a stroke of inspyrash.. of inspurate.. ‘ad a stroke of cleverness an’ suggested we do it all in der back room at der Dead Pig. So we gonna. Anyone wantin’ to collekt dere awards shud speak to Big Mitch be’ind der bar. Pref’rably somewhere well-lit tho, an’ also in yellin’ distance of der city watch.

Longest Winning Streak: Malekith Cocktails (10 games)
Bloody ‘ell. Act’lly fink about wot it take to win one-many games on der trot. ‘Specially when der start of your season make it seem like you struggle to win a drinkin’ contest wiv a nun . Dis a staggerin’ accomplishment by dis Kaz fella, an’ it testament to ‘is goodness dat so many of em come ‘gainst top-drawer coaches. Course, if he done it wivout Elves we’d ‘ave thrown ‘im a bloody parade.

Longest Losing Streak: Propo Gobbos (7 games)
It a bit tricky to call dis a streak. Surely a “losin’ streak” imply dere a time when you not lose a game? I dunno. I reckon der Propo Gobbos ain’t on a streak, dey jus losin’. A lot. I know it seem like I care too much ‘bout dis but language is a delicate fing an’ its use can degrade wivout sufficient oversight of der education of each suc’seedin generation. Plus it always fun to take der piss out of Gobbos.

Wooden Spoon: Beauty Queens Gone Wrong (0 points, -15 touch down difference)
To be fair, dis sort of performance def’nitely fall under der broad category of fings wot could go wrong. I almos not sure to give dis team der award, wot wiv dem only both’rin to show up for two games tho. Why not give it to a coach we all know ‘ave earned der right to get described in dis paper as totally an’ utterly shite? Coaches such as [whoops! Gutrog, are you trying to get us sued? I’d like you to remember that, between them, our four-man legal department boasts a single 4th-class diploma from the Legitimate University of Definitely-Realtown, Mäduppenheim. In medicine. - ed.]

Paper Spoon: Propo Gobbos (CCXI: 8th place division 5, 0 points; Crunched Cup: 3-1 first round defeat)
…or Barninho, or even dis guy, Street. Now here a bloke wot show up an’ take his licks. Der Propo Gobbos were a constant presence in der Crunch Cup’s defeat column in der same way der letter aytch a constant presence in der word ‘umiliation. Um. Dey not do quite as bad as der Beauty Queens in der Crunch Cup, but dey wos der worst team to enter der Crunched Cup an’ dey done der worst when dey got dere an’ all. Well, congrats Gobbos, I sure it now all seem worthwhile now you got dis paper spoon. I not know wot a Goblin do wiv a paper spoon but it prob’ly disgusting.

Best Newcomer Award: Kazman29 (Champion)
It a strong tradition in der Crunch Cup dat some uppity bugger show up an’ make a big deal of himself, pushin’ all der mor ‘stablished coaches out der way and stompin’ right thru to der final. Dis happen when Danton first show up, an’ Bolepolk, an’ Willpower, an’ now it happen wiv Kaz too. When you look at it like dat, you realise he made a himself a space in der company of legends an’ also Danton.

Stunty Success Award: Pro Snots (9 points)
Ogres. You may not understand ‘em, you may not like ‘em, but der fact dat dey show up year after year despite clearly bein’ der sport’s worse team means you gotta respect ‘em. An’ if dey at arms-length or nearer you lie about der likin’ an’ der understandin’ too. Dis partic’lar Ogre team deserve more respect even den mos, cos dey even manage to win free games. Dat jus like my ma always say, a broken nose is right-angled free times a day. Or somefing.

Admin Award: Dry Stifflers (6 games)
Crack Nutter an’ his team show up for one game dis season. Dis prob’ly a record or somefing. If anyone ever wrote any bloody fing down at dis paper den maybe we know for sure. It a real shame tho cos it deprive all der fans of dat excitin’ Khemri action an’ snnrrrk ahaha dammit I really fort I wos gonna keep a straight face for a second there.

People's Choice – Best Team Name: Ragnarok-N-Roll (5 votes)
Well if dis is wot der people choose I ain’t gonna complain, but wot so great ‘bout dis name I not sure. A rag an’ a rock an’ a roll? Wot’s der meaning in der juxt’position of dese free fings? It a commentary on existence? On sufferin’? Sasha might no if he weren’t mental dese days. Still yes dis name mus be a very significant piece of Art an’ I commend Limdood on ‘is wisdom an’ cleverness in finking it up.

People's Choice – The Seventh Gold-Substitute Fleece Award for Best Team Theme: Engine of Elfhate (7 votes).
Dey Elves wot hate Elves. You fink dis a good fing but I dunno, it make me feel a bit redundant. Redundant is new word I know, ‘ave learnt recently and can provide a def’nition of on account of discoverin’ wot it means not long ago. Course, given ‘ow much der Crunch Cup community hate Elves I fink dis team itself maybe bit redundant, but woteva, fair play to Juriel for givin’ der people wot dey want I gues.

Netsmurf's Loaded Dice Award for Blatant Steroid Abuse: Blonde Bombers (Wood Elf).
Wot der fastest fing on two legs? If you say Luke Enthrop on bath day, well, yeah, dat def’nitely it. But Hannah Solo almos a fast, an’ she not need freatning wiv suds to get goin’. She jus one of der boner-fidy monstresses wot make up der Blonde Bombers’ pers’nul freak show. Dey got Wardancers wiv der strength of a Black Orc, an’ Catchers wiv der strength of a, uh, Catcher. It said every time a Halfling die, Dreamy get given another super-Elf. I pretty sure dey got Deeproot playin’ for dem under a sudo.. a sewdo… a diff’rent name an’ all.

The Har Ganethornication Award for Most Deaths: Propo Gobbos (5 deaths)
Once ‘pon a time dere dis team of spikey Elfs called Har Ganethornication. Dey have lots of great players, which make spikey Elf fans happy, but dey tended to die basic’lly all of der time, which make every one else happy too. Dey wot you call real crowd pleasers. I not sure it quite der same when a bunch of Gobbos dies. Does any bugger cheer? Does any bugger, in fact, act’lly notice? Wot if I killed a bunch of Goblins on der way to work dis morning wivout knowin’? Wot if I’m sittin on one right now? ‘Ow deep does dis rabbit hole go?

The Superghoul Award for Most Hated Player: (Marly the Mowhawk, Farfetched Tactics)
Okay, so Marly probl’y ain’t really der mos ‘ated player in der Crunch Cup Ecks Aye, cos she ain’t in der big time an’ mos sods ain’t neva heard of ‘er. But she deserve to be. For fing one, she a Wardancer. For fing two, she stronger den a reg’lar Wardancer. For fing free, she agiler den a reg’lar Wardancer. For fing some, she a Wardancer. For fing many, SHE A WARDANCER. Y’ronor I res my case.

People's Choice – Best Crunch Cup Courier Correspondent: Feeditch de Troll (6 votes)
Feeditch a good guy, but I hate dat people always gettin’ us mixed up jus cos we both Greenskins. Dere loads of fings diff’rent ‘bout us. He got big bloody ears, for one. Dey so big I scared he hear me write dis. Plus we got no common in’trests. I like words an’ musicals. Feeditch like farts an’ der sound of his farts. I like kippers an’ jam. Feeditch like printer ink. Like, he REALLY like it. Still, he got a way wiv people I gotta giv him credit for. You should seem him in interviews, nobody else get at the heart of the matter like Feeditch can. Mainly cos dey not got der strength to pry open a ribcage, but still.

Golden Spoon: Ragnarok-N-Roll
Ottmar like to say dat even if your der Snotlings wot got der longest todger of all der Snots, it not change der fact you still a Snotling. Winnin’ der Crunched Cup is bit like dis only you ain’t even guaranteed to have a long todger. Limdood is of course free to object on dis last point but please don’t send in any pictures fanks.

Crunch Cup, sponsored by Fatshark: Malekith Cocktails
Dere wos two-some-many teams in der Crunch Cup dis season. I know not all our readers got a good enuff education to do proper Orcy countin’, an’ frankly I fink dat say a lot ‘bout der sad state of Humie parentin’ in dis country. But trust me, it a lot. Each an every one tried dere hardest to survive der group stages, ovacome dere opponents, an’ prove dat dey were der best. Er, ‘part from der ones dat didn’t bother to show up. Out of all dese teams, only one remain standin’ at der end of der road. It one hell of an achievement. So well done Kaz. You mite be spikey Elf scum but you an on’rary Orc in my book.

Gutrog Word-Knower

 

[John McGuirk]

Mathemagicks​

Ah, readers!

You’re still with us, I see? Even after so many pages. I commend you your stamina - mathemagickal analysis tells me that a less hardy soul would surely have given up long before. Probably about a third of the way into Gutrog’s first sentence, to be exact.

Well, I do not mean to detain your tired eyes any longer than necessary. We will move quickly along to our statistical treasure trove, which is surely the pride of the entire edition! For there is much therein to edify and delight, as you will soon see.

Crunch Cup X Mathemagickal analysis: Match Days 9-12

Positive deviation
The final month of the Crunch Cup XI saw a much-narrowed field of contestants with the play-offs already underway. A result was that not all races saw representation, but the luckiest of the remainder were the Khemri, whose sole representatives in D.C United also picked up luckiest team, deviating at +35.19% above the baseline in their first and only game of the Match Days - a +38.87% swing above their opponents.

The match with the greatest positive deviation of luck in the month was the 3-1 result between The Kings Slayers and Rats are back in town. A colossal +87.33% deviation was acculumated, suggesting that, between them, these sides were almost twice as successful in their play as might have been expected.

Negative deviation
The unluckiest race of the period were the High Elves, who performances averaged at a moribund -14.01%. Unsurprisingly, the unluckiest team was of the Asur inclination, with [BBT] Skip’s Ballers’ output running even lower at an average of -17.01%. In terms of averaged swings in luck, however, the ‘accolade’ of unluckiest teams actually goes to the Lightspeed Freaks’, who played one game in the month and came out of it -26.39% worse off than their opponents.

The game with the greatest negative deviation of luck was that between Malekith Cocktails and Skip’s Ballers, a grim and rain-sodden affair in which the teams put together a -38.16% performance for the crowd. And you thought Elves were unpopular when they were playing well…

The nuffling of the month was endured by Rats are back in town, when they played D.C. UniteDead in the Round of 16. As already mentioned, they endured a comparative deficit of 38.87% in fortune against their opponents - but still overcame them 3-2. For this remarkable achievement, we are pleased to award coach Netsmurf our Triumph in Adversity award, and then to award it to him again for overcoming the Ironhead Bashers in similar circumstances two stages on.

The other coaches to receiving our final TiA awards of the season are Dreamy and Mardead. Plaudits to all three, for their performances in the following games:

Rats are back in town 3-2 D.C. UniteDead (38.87% against)
[BBT]Skip's Ballers 2-1 Rat-a-Tat-Tat (28.58% against)
Rats are back in town 3-2 Ironhead Bashers (23.44% against)
Crunch Cup Elite 2-3 Blonde Bombers (17.80% against)

In addition to the TiA, as a special something for the season finale, this column also likes to hand out an Adversity Avenger Award. This is in recognition to the coach who took his team furthest, despite the accumulated slings and arrows of outrageous (mis)fortune pecking at his heels the entire way through.

For Crunch Cup XI, the award goes to Rburton, whose Craggy Island XI endured a serial battering from Nuffle all season long, and yet perservered and even made it as far as the Quarter Finals. Tres bon, Rburton!

Crunch Cup X Mathemagickal Analysis: Season Summary

Of course, we are not finished there by a shot which has been noted for its considerable length! Not only do we have mathemagickal data for the MD 9-12 period - we also have comprehensive summaries for the fortunes of every race and team for the entirety of CCXI!

Did you feel like this season was one blessed by the heavens? Or did you rather have an inkling that Nuffle was dipping his balls in your mouth while you slept? Do you have any curiosity at all as to how your team ranked statistically this season, or as to the cumulative fortunes of the winners, wooden spooners - or anybody at all? Then why are you still reading this? The information that you seek is waiting for you below!

Pierre de Fur-Matte

Luckiest Races - MD 9-12

Race        Cumulative Deviation   Average Deviation (per game)
Khemri      +35.19%                +35.19%
Underworld  +45.90%                +22.95%
Necromantic +41.62%                +20.81%
Orc         +49.22%                +16.41%
Skaven	    +50.73%                +10.15%
Human	    +00.33%                +00.17%
Chaos Dwarf -00.56%                -00.56%
Dark Elf    -05.07%                -01.01%
Wood Elf    -23.51%                -05.88%
Lizardman   -07.88%                -07.88%
High Elf    -56.03%                -14.01%

Luckiest Teams - MD 9-12

Team name                 Average Deviation (per game)
D.C. UniteDead            +35.19%
The King Slayers          +22.95%
Crunch Cup Elite          +20.81%
Ironhead Bashers          +16.41%
Rat-A-Tat-Tat             +14.29%
Rats are back in town     +09.11%
Average is Good Enough    +01.41%
Jorxan Thunder            +00.67%
Crunch Cup Chaos Dwarves  -00.56%
Mad Missionary Mob        -01.08%
Malekith Cocktails        -01.44%
Lightspeed Freaks         -04.03%
Blonde Bombers            -06.49%
The Hell Hounds           -07.88%
Craggy Island XI          -11.01%
[BBT] Skip's Ballers      -17.01%

Luckiest Teams Relative to Opponents ('Swings') - MD 9-12

Team name                 Cumulative Swing       Average Swing (per game)
D.C. UniteDead            +38.87%                +38.87%
Rat-A-Tat-Tat             +28.59%                +28.59%
Ironhead Bashers          +73.14%                +24.38%
Crunch Cup Elite          +44.19%                +22.10%
Malekith Cocktails        +42.93%                +10.73%
Jorxan Thunder            +06.93%                +06.93%
Mad Missionary Mob        +02.56%                +02.56%
Average is Good Enough    +01.87%                +01.87%
The King Slayers          -00.47%                -00.23%
Rats are back in town     -57.35%                -14.34%
Crunch Cup Chaos Dwarves  -14.68%                -14.68%
(BBT) Skip's Ballers      -29.87%                -14.94%
Blonde Bombers            -52.73%                -17.58%
Craggy Island XI          -36.89%                -18.45%
The Hell Hounds           -20.70%                -20.70%
Lightspeed Freaks         -26.39%                -26.39%

The Nuffle Index Hall of Fame - CCXI

#   Contestants                                  Discrepancy in luck deviation
1.  Breastest Team Ever   2-1 Skavenblight 13's  78.03% (in favour of BTE) 
2.  Era Of Night          1-0 Rat-A-Tat-Tat      55.28% (in favour of EON)
3.  Breastest Team Ever   3-1 Proppo Gobbos      55.27% (in favour of BTE)
4.  Tollers of the Bell   1-1 Ironhead bashers   52.70% (in favour of TOL)
5.  Rat-a-tat-tat         0-2 Time of Death..    50.09% (in favour of TOD

The Nuffle Index Hall of Fame - All Time

#   Contestants                                  Discrepancy in luck deviation
1.  Breastest Team Ever   2-1 Skavenblight 13's  78.03% (in favour of BRE)
2.  Uli Stilicke Fan Club 0-3 Dirt Nap Refugees  74.48% (in favour of DNR)
3.  Era Of Night          1-0 Rat-a-tat-tat      55.28% (in favour of EON)
4.  Breastest Team Ever   3-1 Proppo Gobbos      55.27% (in favour of BTE)
5.  Tollers of the Bell   1-1 Ironhead bashers   52.70% (in favour of TOL)

 

[John McGuirk]

Crunch Cup XI Season Round-Up

Matches with tightest discrepancy in luck - CCXI

#    Contestants                                   Discrepancy in luck deviation
1.   Jorxan Thunder     1-2 House of Amber         00.02% (in favour of HOA)
2.   Elfbowlers Inc.    2-0 Breastest Team Ever    00.19% (in favour of ELF)
3.   Engine of Elfhate  1-2 Malekith Cocktails     00.23% (in favour of MAL)

Greatest positive deviation of luck - CCXI

#    Contestants                                    Net deviation of luck
1.   The King Slayers   1-3 Rats are back in town   +87.33% 
2.   Flailers           0-2 Pimpin aint easy        +67.47%
3.   Blast Beat Lock Up 2-0 Stone Cold Killers      +66.83%

Greatest negative deviation of luck - CCXI

#    Contestants                                    Net deviation of luck
1.   Tactical Procedure 3-0 The Tollers of the Bell -39.63% 
2.   Malekith Cocktails 1-0 [BBT]Skip's Ballers     -38.16% 
3.   Craggy Island XI   1-1 J&B Mining              -33.80%

Luckiest races - CCXI

#     Race                        Cumulative Deviation   Average (per game)
1.    Underworld                  +334.05%               +13.92%
2.    Chaos                       +147.93%               +11.38%
3.    Undead                      +65.42%                +10.90%
4.    Lizardman                   +535.34%               +10.10%
5.    Ogre                        +135.03%               +09.65%
6.    Necromantic                 +351.17%               +09.24%
7.    Halfling                    +110.86%               +07.92%
8.    Skaven                      +292.16%               +06.64%
9.    Amazon                      +216.61%               +06.19%
10.   Dwarf                       +79.96%                +05.33%
11.   Goblin                      +70.73%                +05.05%
12.   Khemri                      +83.88%                +04.66%
13.   Wood Elf                    +161.30%               +03.84%
14.   Chaos Dwarf                 +82.51%                +03.75%
15.   Human                       +115.49%               +02.82% 
16.   Norse                       +52.08%                +02.60%
17.   Orc                         +67.02%                +02.39%
18.   Elf                         +70.35%                +02.35%
19.   Dark Elf                    +90.44%                +02.10%
20.   High Elf                    +66.63%                +01.96%
21.   Nurgle                      -03.04%                -00.51%

Luckiest teams - CCXI

#     Team                      Cumulative Deviation   Average (per game)
1.    The Phobias Second XI     +118.80%               +16.97%
2.    The King Slayers          +166.30%               +16.63%
3.    Scattering Skinks**       +49.70%                +16.57%
4.    Werehere                  +115.71%               +16.53%
5.    Yellow Army               +100.09%               +14.30%
6.    Blast Beat Lock Up        +84.77%                +14.13%
7.    Where is the Spoon!       +98.14%                +14.02%
8.    Starfall Supernovas       +109.20%               +13.65%
9.    Kroxford and thesaurii    +109.11%               +13.64%
10.   DakaManceer VI            +88.45%                +12.64%
11.   Time of Death..           +86.55%                +12.36%
12.   Oakshields*               +59.06%                +11.81%
13.   The Farting Gamblers      +93.86%                +11.73%
14.   Toxik Taktix              +81.20%                +11.60%
15.   Viashino Sandstalkers     +78.95%                +11.28%
16.   Breastest Team Ever       +78.13%                +11.16%
17.   Era of Night              +77.20%                +11.03%
18.   The Deathseers            +65.423%               +10.90%
19.   Psoriatic Arthritis       +83.78%                +10.47%
20.   D.C. UniteDead            +92.82%                +10.31%
21.   Elfbowlers Inc.           +71.83%                +10.26%
22.   Old Dirty Dodge Ballers   +81.59%                +10.20%
23.   The Eshin Prowlers        +50.89%                +10.18%
24.   Flailers                  +67.52%                +09.65%
25.   Pro Snots                 +67.51%                +09.64%
26.   Disrobing Damsels         +73.46%                +09.18%
27.   Doity Rats                +27.25%                +09.08%
28.   Pimpin aint easy          +63.16%                +09.02%
29.   Mad Missionary Mob        +79.07%                +08.79%
30.   House of Amber            +65.75%                +08.22%
31.   The Hell Hounds           +47.91%                +07.99%
32.   Sesame Creeps             +47.89%                +07.98%
33.   Propo Gobbos              +55.20%                +07.89%
34.   Rats are back in town     +92.48%                +07.71%
35.   Kanto Elitists            +29.79%                +07.45%
36.   Targaryen                 +50.00%                +07.14%
37.   Crunch Cup Elite          +69.59%                +06.96%
38.   Caerdydd Crunchers        +48.36%                +06.91%
39.   Anvil and Hammer          +40.58%                +06.76%
40.   Lightspeed Freaks         +55.69%                +06.19%
41.   Ragnarok-N-Roll           +40.50%                +05.79%
42.   Stone Cold Killers        +34.30%                +05.72%
43.   Average is Good Enough    +37.88%                +05.41%
44.   New Orc Emperors          +30.96%                +05.16%
45.   Crunch Cup Chaos Dwarves  +39.11%                +04.89%
46.   Rat-A-Tat-Tat             +37.11%                +04.12%
47.   the frozen touch          +26.71%                +03.82%
48.   The Unluckys              +29.53%                +03.69%
49.   Blonde Bombers            +38.97%                +03.54%
50.   Jorxan Thunder            +27.26%                +03.03%
51.   Orphans Tear              +16.67%                +02.38%
52.   Tottenham Gobspur MkIII   +15.53%                +02.22%
53.   The Sticky Fingers        +12.72%                +01.82%
54.   Sheer Badassery           +13.67%                +01.71%
55.   Malekith Cocktails        +15.20%                +01.27%
56.   (BBT) Skip's Ballers      +12.41%                +01.24%
57.   Da Bak Breakerz           +03.35%                +00.84%
58.   Downunder Dreamers        +04.50%                +00.64%
59.   Anonymous Anorexics       +04.14%                +00.59%
60.   Team Agent                -00.40%                -00.10%
61.   Masters of the Pooniverse -03.04%                -00.51%
62.   All My Exes               -05.24%                -00.87%
63.   Elfis Prelfley            -07.91%                -00.99%
64.   Those Fancy Pants         -05.16%                -01.03%
65.   Farfetched Tactics        -08.28%                -01.18%
66.   Skavenblight 13's         -09.43%                -01.35%
67.   Ironhead Bashers          -15.65%                -01.42%
68.   Nur Leila is Geila        -10.99%                -01.57%
69.   Pass and Move             -12.61%                -01.80%
70.   The Tollers of the Bell   -17.32%                -03.46%
71.   Captains Crunch***        -11.13%                -03.71%
72.   Wild Lionesses            -29.83%                -04.26%
73.   Tactical Procedure        -18.68%                -04.67%
74.   Norsca Vikiing Liners     -23.60%                -04.72%
75.   Tor Achare Buccaneers     -34.28%                -04.90%
76.   J&B Mining                -19.68%                -04.92%
77.   Engine of Elfhate         -34.44%                -04.92%
78.   Beauty Queens Gone Wrong  -11.11%                -05.56%
79.   Craggy Island XI          -77.79%                -11.11%
[color=gray]80.   Dry Stifflers****         -14.64%                -14.64%[/color]

*Replacement for Passing is gay, so are we (MD2)
**Replacement for Prettiest in Pink (MD5)
***Replacement for Hadera Scorpion (MD5)
****Only completed one match

 

[John McGuirk]

Luckiest Teams - Relative to Opponents ('Swings') - CCXI

#    Team                      Cumulative Swing       Average Swing (per game)
1.   Toxik Taktix              +136.62%               +19.52%
2.   Scattering Skinks         +55.72%                +18.57%
3.   Breastest Team Ever       +112.51%               +16.07%
4.   Where is the Spoon!       +107.92%               +15.42%
5.   Werehere                  +86.68%                +12.38%
6.   Era of Night              +78.89%                +11.27%
7.   Psoriatic Arthritis       +78.88%                +09.86%
8.   The Hell Hounds           +58.65%                +09.78%
9.   Mad Missionary Mob        +77.24%                +08.58%
10.  The Phobias Second XI     +58.92%                +08.42%
11.  The Farting Gamblers      +66.52%                +08.32%
12.  Blast Beat Lock Up        +47.70%                +07.95%
13.  Tactical Procedure        +30.09%                +07.52%
14.  The King Slayers          +69.39%                +06.94%
15.  The Deathseers            +40.17%                +06.70%
16.  The Eshin Prowlers        +33.40%                +06.68%
17.  Starfall Supernovas       +52.50%                +06.56%
18.  Targaryen                 +44.60%                +06.37%
19.  Kroxford and thesaurii    +48.35%                +06.04%
20.  The Unluckys              +46.92%                +05.87%
21.  Pro Snots                 +38.54%                +05.51%
22.  Old Dirty Dodge Ballers   +42.20%                +05.28%
23.  Time of Death..           +36.58%                +05.23%
24.  Oakshields                +24.18%                +04.84%
25.  Kanto Elitists            -13.64%                +04.81%
26.  Crunch Cup Elite          +41.61%                +04.16%
27.  Average is Good Enough    +27.51%                +03.93%
28.  Viashino Sandstalkers     +27.10%                +03.87%
29.  Flailers                  +26.57%                +03.80%
30.  Ragnarok-N-Roll           +21.81%                +03.12%
31.  Da Bak Breakerz           +11.73%                +02.93%
32.  Anvil and Hammer          +17.34%                +02.89%
33.  The Tollers of the Bell   +12.48%                +02.50%
34.  DakaManceer VI            +17.06%                +02.44%
35.  Malekith Cocktails        +29.19%                +02.43%
36.  Disrobing Damsels         +17.22%                +02.15%
37.  Yellow Army               +10.82%                +01.55%
38.  Crunch Cup Chaos Dwarves  +11.46%                +01.43%
39.  Sesame Creeps             +07.22%                +01.20%
40.  Ironhead Bashers          +12.64%                +01.15%
41.  D.C. UniteDead            +09.34%                +01.04%
42.  Elfbowlers Inc.           +02.39%                +00.34%
43.  Stone Cold Killers        +00.56%                +00.09%
44.  Caerdydd Crunchers        -03.34%                -00.48%
45.  (BBT) Skip's Ballers      -10.83%                -01.08%
46.  Tottenham Gobspur MkIII   -10.88%                -01.55%
47.  Jorxan Thunder            -15.03%                -01.67%
48.  New Orc Emperors          -11.11%                -01.85%
49.  the frozen touch          -19.88%                -02.84%
50.  Propo Gobbos              -20.45%                -02.92%
51.  The Sticky Fingers        -23.64%                -03.38%
52.  Rats are back in town     -40.65%                -03.39%
53.  Orphans Tear              -26.67%                -03.81%
54.  Norsca Vikiing Liners     -19.10%                -03.82%
55.  House of Amber            -30.83%                -03.85%
56.  Rat-A-Tat-Tat             -40.37%                -04.49%
57.  Doity Rats                -14.83%                -04.94%
58.  Sheer Badassery           -39.61%                -04.95%
59.  Blonde Bombers            -56.93%                -05.18%
60.  Lightspeed Freaks         -48.39%                -05.38%
61.  Masters of the Pooniverse -37.64%                -06.27%
62.  Team Agent                -26.06%                -06.52%
63.  Downunder Dreamers        -49.75%                -07.11%
64.  Farfetched Tactics        -50.63%                -07.23%
65.  Wild Lionesses            -53.22%                -07.60%
66.  Craggy Island XI          -61.53%                -08.79%
67.  J&B Mining                -36.71%                -09.18%
68.  Tor Achare Buccaneers     -77.16%                -11.02%
69.  Engine of Elfhate         -77.80%                -11.11%
70.  Pimpin aint easy          -82.96%                -11.85%
71.  Nur Leila is Geila        -86.40%                -12.34%
72.  Elfis Prelfley            -99.67%                -12.46%
73.  Pass and Move             -89.76%                -12.82%
74.  Those Fancy Pants         -64.43%                -12.89%
75.  All My Exes               -77.65%                -12.94%
76.  Beauty Queens Gone Wrong  -31.70%                -15.85%
77.  Captains Crunch           -50.72%                -16.91%
78.  Skavenblight 13's         -122.28%               -17.47%
79.  Anonymous Anorexics       -125.13%               -17.88%
[color=gray]80.  Dry Stifflers*            -46.36%                -46.36%[/color]

*Only completed one match


Cumulative League Deviation - All Time

#     Season     Cumulative Deviation   Average (per game)
1.    CCVIII     +1,004.08%             +14.34% (70  games)
2.    CCIX       +1,364.39%             +12.40% (110 games)
3.    CCVI       +1,366.52%             +13.94% (114 games)
4.    CCVII      +1,344.04%             +11.79% (98  games)
[b]5.    CCXI       +3,125.92%             +11.28% (277 games)[/b]
6.    CCX        +2,613.49%             +10.67% (245 games)

 

[John McGuirk]

The Courier Speaks To Netsmurf​

Feeditch: Alrigh' Coach Netsmurf. Congrats ahead of playin’ de final. 'ere's a phew questions dat probbly wont be 'eavly edited in a amusin' way.

Wat made youse choose Rattymen, youse normaly is coachin murdrus Chaos teams yeah?

Netsmurf: I can murder with any team and Skaven are fun as they run around as I command and I like to command - they know it’s the labyrinth if they don't behave!

Wat as youse tuffest game bin in dis year's CC?

Tuff what? Errr next question.

Coach Netsmurf engages in a team building exercise with the teams' former Rat Ogre​

Youse one CC IV. Does youse fink yule be able to brake de hoodoo on past-winnin' coaches an reclam de trophy?

I have not lost a single match in the last three play offs I have participated in - this should be home free, a walk in the sewers so to speak.

Youse finished only turd in youse group. Do youse feel lucky to 'ave got dis far considerin'?

My game-plan consists of 96% luck and 4 % skill, too bad for my opponents that I have yet to need more than the 4%.

Wat won playa on youse team as bin youse star dis seasoning?

There can be only one Phil Lynott, he is amazing - so gentle and eager to cuddle. Some times he gets a little frustrated when opponents don't want a cuddle and you can hear a wail of sorrow coming from the poor sod, but that is fair and only to be expected. Phil is looking forward to cuddling with Elves in the final - he has been very worried that he would not get to cuddle Elves in this tourney as we have smashed up pretty much everything but Elves.

Coach Netsmurf (middle) shares an ale with Coach Viajero (right) before the ritual sacrifice of Coach Unknown (left).​

As an ex-CC commisshoner, 'ow easy a time was youse given by de powers dat be too facillytate youse stroll to de final?

I'm sure you know that that is a business secret, but services have been promised, that much is certain. When I cash in on them will remain to be seen.

Fow do youse feel 'bout youse chanceys in de final?

I leave nothing to chance I just win - baby.

Wat will youse do if youse wins de Crunch Cup?

I will put on your face as I do my little cookie dance.

I dunno wat dat even means

 

[John McGuirk]

The Courier Speaks To Kazman29​

Feeditch: Congrats on winnin de Crunch Cup, did youse feel youse 'ad it in youse all long?

Kaz: Anyone who knows me can tell you that the answer is a resounding YES. When we looked at the top half of the draw at the beginning of the season and saw all the former winners and quality coaches here at the Crunch Cup, names such as Danton, Dreamy, Viajero, Juriel, Barmution (who? - Feeditch), ShinyJ, Boffa, Barristan, Mardaed and Kazman29 I think pretty much all of us knew this would be the outcome. I knew it, you knew it, we all knew it. Only sorry we couldn't have had a good underdog story in the tournament. Such is life. You'll get over it.

Youse real-lice youse 'ave kept up de trend on somewon knew winnin' de cup every year. 'ow do youse feel 'bout crushin' Netsmurf's dreems?

Netsmurf's a big boy (Oh-er - Feeditch), he can handle it. With three badges next to his name I think he'll be able to hold his head fairly high, not that it won't take considerable effort after having almost become a repeat champion. So close, yet so far. Can you imagine tasting it like he did? Wow was that close. Couldn't have been closer, really. All that effort for second place. Whew! Next season the Cocktails will definitely put an end to this 'new coach every season' trend.

Coach Kaz in his playing days for Chaos Pact team 'The Flying Wheels'. Rostered in at number 13 he saw little action, but did manage some small fame by losing all his hair in the famous 'Troll Vomit Incident' ​

Wat wood youse say was youse 'ardest game dis seasoning?

Game 1. No question. Skip's Ballers pounded us 4-0. Humiliating. But the boys (and girls) sucked it up and didn't lose a game the rest of the year. These are highly trained professionals we're talking about here. They have the skill. They have the attitude. They know what it takes to win. We took a week off before the final and did it hurt us? No. We stay loose, stay relaxed and keep drinking from those 'water' bottles before the game and at half and the hits don't seem to bother us any more. We're UNCONSCIOUS out there.

Youse didn even win youse group! 'ow on soil did youse win de Crunch Cup?

Did you see this division? Did you see the coaches? Toughest division in the tournament in case you hadn't noticed.... Did Wargasm let you drink from his 'water' bottle?

I dun drink water too be fare. Witch playas on youse teem carried youse too glory?

Hard to pick one as this was a TEAM effort. Every one of these guys were getting it done. When you check the leader-boards, do you see any Cocktails on there? No. That's where the great coaching comes to play, utilizing each player to his/her fullest ability. You got Wargasm and Sin & Tonic with the un-Elflike skill of helping their teammates knock the opposition down and what happens.... our newest Blitzer Hangman's Blood comes in and that's the first thing he learns! Team, team, team. Well, they're also so liquored they can't feel anyone else near them but that's besides the point.

Fun facts about Coach Kaz. Firstly he is an accomplished violinist. Secondly he is only 11 inches tall (His grandfather was a Snotling)​

Urgh, moor Elfses winnin' tings. 'ow dos it feel to be hatted?

FREAKIN' LOVE IT!!! I feed off it. I savour it. I cover my whole body with it. GOD it feels good! When I was a kid playing a different sport where we used long sticks to hit each other with (secret weapon, anybody?) I would always get the start in net on the road games. Always did better on the road. I actually had people spitting on me from the stands and I couldn't have been happier! (this is a true story btw) The more the hate, the better the performance so BRING IT! MWAHAHAHAHAHA! And the Cocktail players can't tell anyway...

Hoo wood you likes too thank for youse sucksess other dan de Crunch Cup Courier of corse?

The CCC? You HAVE been sipping our bottles, haven't you?! My success? Gotta be Coach! There isn't a single article of his that I haven't read twice! I'm also thankful to an old friend of mine who passed away eight years ago from leukaemia for introducing me to this game back in 1989 old world reckoning(!). I hadn't seen Blood Bowl in over fifteen years and when I first saw it available on crystal ball I jumped on it and have been hooked ever since!

An final-lee, apart from Blood Bowl, wat is best tin life?

You mean there's life outside of Blood Bowl? Honestly, my wife and my son are awesome!

Feeditch de Troll

Contributors this week: Citizen Nev, John McGuirk, Jrpeart, Lebe666, Limdood, LoopH0le and Nikolai II.

 

[Netsmurf]

Wow two Triumph in Adversity awards and bloody bleeding nice interviews, man tha Kaz-man is so way out there. Monumental effort from Feeditch de Troll to edit that out to make any sense at all - monumental

 

[Barmution]

Great issue!

Glad to see the Plumber's Union is still going... er... strong-ish even in my absence from coaching them

 

[TravelScrabble]

Fantastic issue, now start gearing up for next season!

 

[coachman]

great edition. brsvo

 

[Lebe666]

Feeling sorry for the Rat Ogre gone barbecue...

Great Work guys !