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Tactics An Unbiased Beginners Guide to Every Team

Discussion in 'League and Team Development Tactics' started by Citizen Nev, Mar 5, 2013.

  1. Citizen Nev

    Citizen Nev Member

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    New to BloodBowl?

    Confused about what team to play?

    Want an unbiased view on all the teams?

    Look no further...

    It's

    Citizen Nev's Unbiased Beginners Guide to Every Team

    Amazons: Do you like girls? I mean really like girls? Do you sweat when you get near them? Does a single perfect tear fall from your eye when a member of the fairer sex glances however briefly in your direction? Do you have 1 or more restraining orders? Well Amazons might be the team for you. Otherwise look elsewhere, pervert.

    Brettonians: These guys aren't even a real team! WTF? Who put them in here? They're kinda like Humans but different really as they're from France. Nobody likes them. Try using Lance Formation to outfox your opponent.

    Chaos Dwarfs: Not to be confused with Chaos or Dwarfs. These guys have hats but I won't go on about that. They use their hats to their advantage and have Bull Horses that don't have hats. Hobgoblins have no hats either. The Minotaur is bad due to skill access and no hat. Everyone will hat you if you play them. Sorry that was a typo.

    Chaos Pact: Never heard of them. Apparently they're on FUMBBL and broken as hell. Like super broken and for powergaming scumbags. I won a tourney with them but felt bad afterwards.

    Chaos: Everyone plays these guys because that god damn Minotaur is so good. Just go all out CLAWPOMB and you literally cannot lose. I mean literally. I tried to abandon a game and it wouldn't let me because you literally cannot lose with them. They don't have many skills.

    Dark Elfs: Oh yeah they're all like EMO and from Naggarathy or something. They don't pass which is like WTF they're Elfs that's all they should do but they don't. Assassins are pretty badass when you're playing Halflings or some shit like that. Also the Witches have tits.

    Dwarfs: Nothing bad about these guys. They are just the shit. You can't play this team badly unless you take like no positionals but that's stupid who does that? Don't be that guy! Deathroller is broken of course.

    Elfs: Like other Elf teams but not good or bad or neutral. I think they're shit but some disagree. If you really, really like playing BloodBowl you might try these guys but in the end you will hate them for being Elfs and passing and dieing all the time. God dammit they die a lot. Don't try 1 turners with them they don't have the MV.

    Goblins: Small Orcs with same playstyle. I don't take the positionals as they get Sent Off which is just dumb. You can have 2 Trolls which is cheating like Ogres and Halflings so this team is broken. Pogo is awful, I mean truly awful. WTF do you do with it? I met a guy who played Goblins once and he was lactose intolerant.

    Halflings: This is a joke team don't play them dickhead.

    High Elfs: They are like the Elfs and Dark Elfs as they are High Elfs. They like to pass and move with the Liverpool grove but Liverpool have never won the Premier League and neither have these guys. That says it all really. They don't have a Big Guy so why would you want to play them. Will NEVER win anything and you can quote me on that.

    Humans: Oh God these guys are boring and awful. It's a fantasy game so why are thse guys even here? Who the fuck knows maybe they bribed someone which is stupid as that's giving away 100k each game. This is called TV bloat, don't do it.

    Khemri: Now we're talking.

    Khorne: Made up team. Full of broken shit. Bloodthirster is STR 10 or some bullshit. Also this team is impossible to play with. I tried and it said you need more Chaos Edition and I was all like I'm Legendary do one. Play like Chaos but with more Khorne so...yeah

    Lizardmen: Best team in the game apart from Elf teams and Orcs, Chaos, Nurgle etc. Have STR 4 and STR 2 so average STR3. Fairly average you might think but oh no they are fast and have a Krox. Immune to Sweltering Heat as they are lizards. Blizzards really bad for them they all die even with Apothecary.

    Necromantic: Similar to the Khemri which I've covered. Wolves aren't bad but have no Block so aren't all that really. Other than that your run of the mill BloodBowl team. They try to score touchdowns to win, stop this if you want to win or at least draw 0-0.

    Norse: This used to be a religion so we're treading on thin ice here. I don't want to say anything that'll get me in trouble. Can you get sued for having a go at defunct pantheons? Not one I'm going to dip my toe into without speaking to my lawyer thanks. Nice try Norse, nice try.

    Nurgle: Super team except for the players being not all that. Regen always never works so best remove that and add a different skill like Mighty Blow. Imagine everyone on a team having Mighty Blow. There's no way you could lose except in a mirror match I suppose.

    Ogre: Only 6 Ogres so this team isn't a real team ie not rules legal as you need minimum 11 players on the pitch. Doesn't come with free Ogre mercs so needs reworking. Can't pick up the ball due to Bone Head and stuff so I doubt you'll ever see this team in action. Snotlings Dodge on a 2+.

    Orcs: These guys are great but slow. They have Strength and a Thrower which isn't really fair. You can have lots of Goblins if you want but these are Orcs so wouldn't be inkeeping with the fluff. Trolls too. You will see a lot of these around because they are hard to kill except the Goblin who is easy to kill if you have Tackle. If you don't have Tackle get some as Orcs start with no Tackle and it cancels Dodge. This is my strategy.

    Skaven: Really bad team. Never seen one do well apart from if they use Gutter Runners. Not a happy bunch of lads I can tell you. I played in a tourney vs Skaven and won 3-0 so that tells you everything you need to know. So there you have it. Skaven.

    Slann: Cyanide has denied all knowledge of this team so I will too. Based on frogs.

    Undead: Like the Necromantic team but they were first so still use the old rules. Needs a nerf really. You can't get Claw on this team so why bother as they are a bash team with no Claw? Stupid.

    Underworld: Skaven and Goblins combined but both those teams are shit so these are shit. They can get mutation but people only take stupid crap like Two Heads and Big Hand so they can model it on their figures. Blood Bowl is about the game not the model you idiots. Voted worst team in a user poll.

    Vampire: Probably best team in the game due to STR and AGI rolls. Also have Hypnotic Gaze which works on a die roll. A good idea is to empoly Zara the Slayer who is essentially Buffy but GW didn't get sued so they let it slide. You can't take Giles or Willow or Xander so don't even bother with that it won't work.

    Wood Elf: I don't know much about these guys except they have Treemen in the team. You can't throw teamates so you need to induce someone like Puggy Baconbreath. This means KEEP A LOW TV! Low TV is crucial in BloodBowl becuase high TV teams will often play high TV teams and are tough to beat. Play low TV and you will beat more teams statistically.
     
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2013
  2. Juriel

    Juriel Active Member

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    Where's my upvote button!
     
  3. Rama Set

    Rama Set Member

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    This kind of insight only comes around once in a generation.
     
  4. Viajero

    Viajero Active Member

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    +56432769 upvote!

    lol
     
  5. danton

    danton Well-Known Member

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    OMG - I've been doing it all wrong!! :confused:

    Eye-opening stuff... :p
     
  6. TravelScrabble

    TravelScrabble Well-Known Member

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    I got to Chaos Dwarf, then I had to take a break due to all the funny looks I was getting round the office from stifling my giggles. When I came back I read up to Dark Elf. The I had to go to the toilet and read it on the phone. I feel like a pervert.

    Anyway hilarious
     
  7. Lebe666

    Lebe666 Well-Known Member

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    LOL !! Sure needs to be told to some people... :D
     
  8. Nikolai II

    Nikolai II Super Moderator Moderator

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    Quite amusing. ;)
     
  9. Tjorne

    Tjorne Member

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    Really inspiring:powdodge:

    Can we make this one sticky, please? Or just put it prominently in the "articles" section next to cage breaking and the starting rosters.
     
  10. Taaktal

    Taaktal New Member

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    Yah, Chaos.... I got tired of winning and started to play Ogres. Nothing lika few stunning defeats to shave the edge of your day. A few more and I earn a diploma.
     
  11. Barmution

    Barmution Well-Known Member

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    I tried abandoning with Chaos and it disconnected the other guy. Because you literally cannot lose! Awesome to the extreme!
     
  12. Viajero

    Viajero Active Member

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    You know, the scary part is that I have this nagging feeling that CitNev didnt really come up with this stuff but rather that they are actual real comments posted by other players in somewhere, and he has just been patiently collecting all those priceless jewels of a comment... :D
     
  13. Barmution

    Barmution Well-Known Member

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    Haha, V! I want to believe that :D
     
  14. Flipmode

    Flipmode Member

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    Nev, do you have any advice for playing the second half as Khemri?

    I normally find the first half so tedious it is difficult to maintain focus.
     
  15. Viajero

    Viajero Active Member

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    Try passing the ball?
     
  16. Flipmode

    Flipmode Member

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    I'm not sure I could deal with the disappointment at that stage.
     
  17. Citizen Nev

    Citizen Nev Member

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    When you play as Khemri remember you have Big Guys and Small Guys. Both are useful so don't forget them.

    Khemri are not boring you must be playing as Undead instead please double check your team and come back to me.
     
  18. Flipmode

    Flipmode Member

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    There was the guy who couldn't pick up the ball and the other guys who can't move very much and the others who could move a bit more but not much.

    Oh, and a couple of blitzers.

    Is that them?
     
  19. Citizen Nev

    Citizen Nev Member

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    No you are thinking of Dwarfs. Khemri have Blitz-Ra's and don't have beards. This is how to tell them apart.

    So everyone knows I'm here to answer all your BloodBowl questions good or bad like the one above.
     
  20. Flipmode

    Flipmode Member

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    Thanks for clearing that one up. Pesky undead dwarves...