Discussion in 'Team Blogs' started by Dionysian, Jul 7, 2013.
For the sweet mother of god, people in the BC, hope he doesn´t rolls 2 guards or more and str 4 again
I was wondering how all the names fit in with the theme, and then I started saying them out-loud...
I'm glad you wrote this because I wouldn't have got it. Nicely done Dionysian! Hilarious, and my favourite race to boot. Not sure if you'll get more hate for these guys or your orcs in Crunch Cup There sure are a bunch of creative team themes in this league.
[CA inaugural press conference transcript. Present: Griff Rhys Oberjones, Madame Svetlana, Flash Shorty, Dionysian. Location: Consenting Adults conference room.]
GRO:Hi, I'm Griff Rhys Oberjones, president of the Consenting Adults Fan Club and I'm here with the Consenting Adults themselves to talk about their thrilling encounter with Badfrost Blue Ballers. Madame Svetlana, your thoughts?
Flash Shorty: (takes out a blade and spins it around with his fingers) Are you taking the piss?
GRO: No, no! Not at all. We at the CAFC can appreciate the subtle beauty of a strategical encounter.
FS: Good. Cause, you know, if you found it boring without any touchdowns or casualties we’d understand. If you need to see some blood I can sate that desire right now, dawg.
GRO: Oh, you’re referring to the philistines who slammed the match as ‘horribly boring’. I’m not one of them, I assure you. I was gripped by every turn. Please, do any of you have any comments on the match?
(MS and FS exchange glances and shrugs)
FS: Well, there isn’t really all that much to say.
Dionysian: If you want an indepth turn by turn analysis of each strategical and tactical decision I can provide that. There were actually several extremely interesting mathematical points throughout the match. Turn 1…. (Dionysian lets out a short squeal of pain as he’s interrupted by Madame Svetlana reaching over and down. Exactly what she’s doing is hidden from this interviewer’s sight but the elevation in the pitch of his voice gives a good idea)
Madame Svetlana: Dionysian has no comment at this time.
GRO: I really would like to hear his thoughts. I’ve found his analyses of previous matches fascinating and educative. And, well, he is head coach.
MS: In name only. Final decision on all matters rests with me. We don’t keep him around for his coaching ability.
GRO: (successfully bites down the obvious question and changes the subject) Perhaps a comment on the next match then? You’ll be travelling to play hungrygnome’s Entombed and Exhumed team. Thoughts?
MS: No comment
GRO: (hesitant) I’m sorry, but… I’m confused by your unwillingness to talk; I was under the impression you invited me. I honestly just want to help, to get your viewpoint out to your adoring fan base. Did I catch you at a bad time? Would you like to reschedule?
MS: No. You can stick around. But you need to talk less. I invited you because it’s become clear that Consenting Adults aren’t getting the respect they deserve. I created this team to provide finances for a haven where adults who enjoyed a niche hobby could feel safe, but -. (MS stops and takes a breath her voice had been rising, but now it’s dropped to a husky whisper). Let me be clear Griff, I don’t want to be doing these stupid fracking interviews nor dealing with sycophantic minions like you. But, I won’t have my boys laughed at.
GRO: Are you referring to reports that you’re considered an underdog for the second week running? I can assure you no-one pays any attention to that hack Ianto Jones.
MS: Will you kindly. Shut. The frack. Up. Stick around, be quiet, and when I want to answer a question from you I’ll tell you what that question is. Dong ma?
(Griff nods in silence, and Svetlana strides from the room)
GRO: (to Dionysian) Time of the month?
FS: You’d better hope she didn’t hear that, dawg. (He puts an arm around his head coach and helps him limp from the room)
D: (pained) No, Griff. I don’t think so. She’s always like that. Welcome to the family.
FS: (to Dionysian) Wow, head-dawg. She really has got you by the.... (rest incoherent as the door closes behind them)
Griff here, again. I managed to grab a quick word with one of the linemen about the upcoming away fixture while Svetlana was busy providing some personal instruction to the others in the basement.
Reverend Roger had this to say: 'A small camp is arguing that having been made the underdog again we would be better served to confound these bungers and just win in gutripping fashion with intestines and touchdowns flowing like fine Chablis. I can sympathise; the bookies are clearly blind fools. But, this is not the righteous path. A preoccupation with touchdowns and casualties shows an unhealthy materialistic attitude that will see ye all roast in the fires of hell for eternity. Eye of the needle and all that, eh? Instead we should aim for 0-0 every match, rejoicing in each other's company. Not two opposing teams, but one harmonious group. Apart from those three garish-suit-loving psychos, I think most are coming around to my way of thinking. Psalm 34:14 illuminates our path. I call on hungrygnome's players to join us in the circle of peace upon kickoff of the next match - ignoring the temptations of blood and pigskin and instead merely sitting, talking, and enjoying the peyote.'
I haven’t been able to speak with many of the players today as they were mostly in the basement. I was reluctant to follow. I’ve been warned that participation is mandatory for all visitors and that Madame Svetlana had revoked the use of safe words earlier in the day. I did get an interesting anonymous call that League Management had been in touch with the club threatening sanctions should anything happen to that weasel CA-hater Ianto Jones. I immediately sought out Svetlana and Dio, but could find neither.
Right before I left for the day I ran into Paul and Peter in the club bar, enjoying a drink and a laugh.
GRO: I was hoping to have a word with Dio, do you know where he is?
Peter: Downstairs. (Smirks) You’re welcome to go.
Paul: She’s pretty demanding with new blood. Keeping her satisfied isn’t so much a full-time occupation as a life consuming vocation.
GRO: I was still hoping for a match report from him. I have his reports from his time at the Crunchers on my bedroom wall. Any comment from you two? On the upcoming match or the signing of your new head coach?
Paul: I think it’s awesome that Coach Dio joined us. Could not be happier.
GRO: You think he’ll help you win games?
Paul: Well, maybe, but, I meant that usually I’m too sore to sit down and now he’s here I have a break. Oh, look. He just appeared at the top of stairs. I’d be quick if you want to grab him.
(I rush over to the head coach)
GRO: Dio! Quick word, please. Any comment on the rumour that you’ve already been threatened with sanctions by league management.
(Dio grabs me by the throat and pushes me into a cupboard. The rest of the conversation is conducted in strangled whispers.)
Dio: Where did you hear that?
GRO: So it’s true? What does Svetlana say about it?
Dio: Off the record? (I nod) Nothing. And she’s not going to find out about it because I deleted the memo straight away and no-one is stupid enough to tell her. I don’t know where the League got that ridiculous idea and I honestly don’t think she’d harm Ianto in the natural course of events, she rarely kills people, but telling her not to? That’ll just talk her into doing it. And if she snaps it won’t just be Ianto. It’ll be everyone protecting him. She cannot find out. Understand? So keep your mouth shut. Look, by Friday we’ll have a win, she’ll crack some guy’s collar bone, probably even dine on some wolf-flesh, and everything is going to be okay. Until then keep this quiet. (We hear the crack of a whip, impossibly loud, and a sobbing howl.) I have to get back or we won’t have anyone to put on the line come Thursday.
After this Dio had me escorted from the premises with orders not to return until after CA’s Thursday match. I was happy enough to comply. As happy as I am to have spent a day with the team, it was like meeting one’s childhood heros – only to find out they were all crazypants; like walking in on Batman banging your mum. I’ve since been supplied with a copy of the original memo (reproduced below) and it raises a number of disturbing questions. League Management is on public record distancing itself as an entity from the opinions of the reporters, but are privately making threats to anyone who calls the integrity of said reporter into question. Is it one rogue element within the League or the machinations of a shadowy cabal? Are there bloodbowl reasons in play or are CA simply being oppressed for their manner of recreational expression? This reporter doesn’t know, but will be locking his doors from now on. As dangerous as sharing this information with you may be, I feel that you, the Consenting Adults Fan Club, deserve nothing short of the unabridged truth. The future of the team is endangered by a corrupt league management whose main aim seems to be protecting the welfare of a hack reporter instead of encouraging more exciting bloodless 0-0 games. Support Consenting Adults 1700 GMT Thursday. A crowd of 100’000 screaming fans will help protect CA from those who mean to crush it under a totalitarian thumb.
We have heard not so subtle threats being directed to one of our contracted reporters. We have decided that this must obviously be unbased rumors, since it is common knowledge that we have a protection clause in all contracts we write with reporters.
But, since every rumor hides something of the truth, we will from now on hold your team directly responsible for the protection of the reporter in question. Don't let your teams future in the league be decided by some sore feelings.
[Post-match press conference - Transcript]
(It looks like a casualty ward at the front of the room. The scrapes and bruises on the Reverend seem incongruous with his dog collar. Flash Shorty is in a wheelchair, looking miserable. The table is covered in chains and the team, expressions sombre, occasionally reach out to stroke a link as they say goodbye to their teammate. Madame Svetlana, who appears to be heavily under the influence of painkillers, has her head resting on them, singing ‘We Die Young’ softly to herself.)
Big Daddy: First a statement. We are putting in a formal request with Entombed and Exhumed to release the body of our comrade, Alan Syn-Chaynes. All we have left of him are his chains, we need a body to bury and say goodbye to. Having his reanimated corpse trotting about the field for the benefit of the team who murdered him is an outrage. A request for League Management to force Entombed’s compliance on this issue has been appended to our weekly complaint to league management regarding inappropriate contact on Madame Svetlana. As she is still recovering from that violation we ask that she not be bothered with questions.
Griff Rhys Oberjones: A summary of the match, coach?
Dio: Sure…. [Answer heavily abridged due to length as his answer took over 2 hours]. Turn 7 was probably the biggest mistake. Paul initially screwed up a block and left the team without any second chances, seeing this Peter took the conservative option and ran in to provide extra cover against a long shot equaliser when he should have gone long to provide a scoring threat to bury the game 2-0.
Peter: Flash had such a tricky job to get the ball to me.
Flash: I coulda done it, dawg. Coulda been a hero, coulda been a contender. Now, look at me. My spine’s fracked. Y’all are just waiting to get rid of me, don’t think I don’t know it.
Dio: [Rest of match report excised due to lack of insurance for potential harm caused to those with math allergies]
GRO: Dr Highmoon is on record bemoaning their luck in this game. Care to comment.
Dio: Not really. But I will, just this once. We didn’t trip or stumble, this is true. However, a more careful analysis of the game will show we actually took very few chances, and those we did take were mostly at the end of turns in positions where they didn’t matter. To counterbalance this, our armour appears to have been cursed, breaking nearly 60% of the time they breathed on it. While theirs was nigh impenetrable. From 12 armour breaks Entombed suffered zero injuries. We suffered 3 injuries from 16 breaks. Entombed were pushing their luck on fouls, also. Glutton, Entombed’s sole ghoul, tried to lose the game on turn 2 with his foul. He had enough assists to make it slightly more likely Svetlana would be removed than his risk of the refs spotting the foul, but apparently forgot that an early ko is not an equal trade off. He was over 2-1 more likely to be sent off than to remove Svetlana permanently. As it was he avoided getting sent off and injured Svetlana. A fairly impressive parlay.
GRO: This must have been frustrating
Dio: Not really. It happens. We simply congratulated the opposing team on their successful outcome, then forgot about what was already in the past while working on a plan to win anyway. Doesn’t that seem like it fosters more fun for everyone than bitching about an outcome? It’s just a game. Shit happens. Half the skill is in how you cope with it.
GRO: Even if you didn’t make any overt complaints there must have been some internal grumbling or annoyance in the camp, especially when starting the second half 7 v 11.
Dio: Why would there be? If you can show me how wailing and moaning help a situation we’ll consider it in the future. Until then we’ll continue providing a positive environment for both teams in every game we play.
Rev Roger: Mentally and spiritually we’ll do that. Physically, there may be some negative effects for opposing teams, especially from overly enthusiastic group hugs.
Dio: Right. But, at the same time we’ll never complain about the physical harm we receive (at this point Flash Shorty starts crying and is wheeled from the room). We just hope that we encounter more teams who want to enjoy playing than those which don’t want to.
GRO: Surely everyone wants to enjoy it?
Dio: While you’d think that to be obviously true, it’s difficult to reconcile with the reality. Complaining about random results, all of which even out over time, has become a pandemic. Many teams are trapped in a self-perpetuating cycle. They lose, but their egos are tied up in the result so they blame external factors. As they simply ‘got unlucky’ they have no reason to look beyond that. Now you have two broad groups of teams. Those who learn from their mistakes and those who don’t. The skill gap increases, the second group lose more often, and get to blame Nuffle more while spending more of their time in the sport being miserable, thinking about quitting because they’re cursed.
Rev: One can’t help but wonder if these coaches have some psychological desire to lose so that they can complain. A pathological desire to be miserable.
GRO: Like that quote about depressives from the avant-garde Ork moving picture, ‘Closer’?
Dran: All-Ork want be happy
Larr-e: Depressifs not. They want unhappy so prove they depress. If they happy they not depress no more. Then they need live in world. That depressing.]
Dio: Yep. Pretty much like that. At some point a team and a coach have to make a decision. Whether they choose to get better, focusing on turn ordering, better positioning, increased strategical and tactical grasp or just ignore all of that and have fun without worrying about their quality of play really doesn’t matter. The key dichotomy is between those who control their own fate and those who are controlled by the whims of the dice. I believe the Ogre philosopher Kipling had some words to say on the subject.
GRO: So is this a specific point about Dr Highmoon’s comments or a more general rant?
Dio: It’s not targeted at any one coach or team in particular, but more at the general malaise affecting the sport. If your enjoyment of the game is tied into where lady luck is sitting that day then a priori you know that 50% of the time you're going to have a bad time. In practice, as the lady is whimsical and switches seats often, perception bias is going to lead you to have a bad time most of the time.
Rev: Bitterness and frustration lead to the dark side, etc.
Dio: Sports come and go, but increasingly toxic environments throttle the vital influx of new blood while shortening the lifespans of those already in the game. Bloodbowl is the greatest sport in the multiverse, but its future is not assured. And if it dies, it’ll be the grumps who killed it. People play for different reasons, if they want to complain we can’t stop them. We’ll be sad about another leaf on the bloodbowl tree withering, but at the same time when we hear the word ‘diced’ come out of a camp regularly we know that’s a matchup we’re very likely to win.
Rev: Venimus, vicimus.
GRO: Quite. So, Dr Highmoon is welcome at the dungeon?
Dio: Of course. The previous comments were about a general trend in the sport, rather than a specific indictment. Although he could probably do with some study of perception bias, that’s hardly an uncommon character flaw. In fact we’d like to thank Dr Highmoon and the entire Entombed organisation for hosting us and a competitively played match. When he attempted the final 30% TD to equalise we were cheering him on.
Diddy Slick: And when he fell over and complained about failing a 75% we were rolling our eyes.
Dio: He’d been roughed up a bit and probably wasn’t in any state to think it through clearly, especially after his final tumble and the T16 postgame handshake you guys gave him. If they visit us in any future season I’m sure Madame Svetlana, in particular, will be delighted to renew his acquaintance.
GRO: Wrapping up, do you have any comments on next week’s match versus the Furfeet Of Oddball Dunst.
Dio: While not universally true, Fling teams tend to have a great attitude. Win, lose, or succeed at the 0-0 draw, it should be fun. I think I speak for us all when I say we’re very much looking forward to it.
Paul: It’s fortunate that we’re on the road again. I’m not sure our toys would fit them.
Peter: Damn straight. I spend a lot of time lying on that floor, if we were hosting I’d be breathing in shedded furball foot hair for weeks. Ergh.
Big Daddy: The trees are confirmed killers. I’m excited to find out how hard their wood gets.
GRO: And finally, Madame Svetlana, what do you say to those fans who claim your early foray into the Entombed half, which saw you get injured and deprived the team of your sideline control for the rest of the match, was reckless and you should be replaced as team captain?
MS: (lifting her head from the chains) Eat a bag of dicks.
It was reckless dammit! interesting read though. Hard to always keep learnin, requires more and more work to get better. I try to balance self improvement with lighthearted fun. Luckily BB is great for both.
I wouldnt have been quite so bitchy about it, but have had a bad time recently. Suspended from work for "publicly criticizing management" and then I put a hole in my foot from the dog tripping me and stepping on a lawn tool. It was a good game.
Exactly. My main point is that once diminishing returns for technical improvement kick in, the best way one can improve results is by improving one's mental game. By just accepting all dice results with equanimity you free yourself to see mistakes and options. This leads to overall increased quality of play/more time spent playing your 'A' game rather than your 'B' and 'C' game. Which, for most people, is more fun in, and of, itself. At the same time, instead of leaving the majority of your matches angry and frustrated you enjoy close to 100% of them, automatically having more fun and a better time. More importantly perhaps for the long term health of the game your opponents also enjoy many more of the matches.
Having fun and playing well have a symbiotic relationship. Most people would agree that their most rapid period of improvement is when they first start playing, and everything is fresh and exciting. Somewhere along the way many lose sight of why they started playing in the first place.
Again, this is a general clarification of my point, with no connotations regarding your personal attitude, TS. In fact, I suspect from what I've read you'll be a pleasure to play, although I'm yet to experience that honour. I'll get some rat straps in for next season just in case. The boys are already discussing the things they can do with Rhubarbarossa.
(For those struggling with in-game frustration: Mental game concepts become increasingly important as one approaches the skill cap in most games and sports, so the skills learned are highly transferable and well worth investing in.)
To be fair, your comments were on the tamer end of the spectrum (which is why I stressed it wasn't a specific indictment), this is just something that's been building for a while, and where better to express it than my team blog?
On a side note, 'publicly criticizing management' endears you to me. I hope things get better soon.
Yes hg, hope things look up, dealing with people above me in the pecking order is not something I do well as my wife will eagerly confirm.
I really like your point about the mental game Dio, never thought about it that way before but it makes a lot of sense.
And, if you are anything like me, I can recommend taking up the practice of filling in with underrepresented teams. It is difficult to fall back into an overly competitive mindset when ending up playing goblins (for instance).
My trouble with luck always rear it's ugly head when I'm playing elves for some reason... Or rather, it is then I tend to start blaming Nuffle for my losses... Them failed GFI's...
Excellent fluff and an educational statement on successful-coach-think. Nordland has some great crogs (crystal ball logs).
Eat a bag indeed Madame Svetlana. Eat a bag of dicks indeed.
A entire bag of this?
Look what I found! I even crossed it twice! (luckily the second time was this correction)
(CA conference room. Attending: Griff Rhys Oberjones, Big Daddy, Reverend Roger.)
GRO: Last week’s match against the Furfeet of Oddball Dunst ended 2-1 in your favour, what would you consider to be the most important factor that lead to the win?
Daddy: Probably the unexpected absence of Deeproot Strongbranch. The mood in camp has been a little sombre since Alan’s death, but when we saw Zara lining up instead of Deeproot, a palpable buzz surged through us. It’s not a coincidence that was the only game we’ve inflicted a casualty in – we were pumped for it.
GRO: You don’t rate, Zara?
Daddy: She’s a sweet girl -
Reverend Roger: (smirking disconcertingly) Yes she is; I wouldn’t mind the biscuit crumbs, if you know what I mean.
Daddy: …but she’s no Deeproot. Situationally awesome – and Roger, if you interrupt again to say you can think of a few situations where she’d be awesome I’m going to find a new and exciting place for you to keep your bible – but of much more use against lightly armoured teams than medium armour or heavy armour. She’s a strong lass so just doesn’t get to stab much versus living opponents who aren’t wearing cloth as she’s usually better off using those meathammer fists.
Rev: I wonder if she likes being the stabee as much as being the stabber.
Daddy: Leave. Right now.
(Roger stands, takes a swig from his hip flask and saunters off.)
GRO: FOOD’s chef was a big hit – in both dugouts.
Daddy: Yes, well. We took two probability wizards and they were both lured over to the FOOD side for the first half. Despite the bollocking they received at half-time they went again. You can’t really blame them though; the fling chef’s food was so good an unaffiliated probability wizard was also tempted down for the second half.
GRO: You also just beat the Black Hearted Buccaneers 2-0. Comments?
Daddy: It’s no secret that we’ve been taking injuries and gate returns have been lower than expected making things financially difficult. It was almost as important to avoid critical injuries here as it was to win. Which is why both team managers being handed the means to bribe the refs just after the opening kickoff was a troubling beginning. Charlie knocks ‘em down and Jill fouls ‘em - with a bribe for insurance. That’s pretty awesome player removal synergy. We were fortunate that most players were only knocked out instead of taking more serious injuries. As for the rest, I spray the ball downfield to Jack in the first half for an opening score. We successfully defend the 3-turner. Then, early in the second half, we trap Buccs thrower against the side-lines leading to the turnover and I run it in to bury the match.
GRO: Do you have any comment about the scoring curse? Bob scores the defensive td against FOOD and then picks up a back injury that will certainly shorten his career, and probably end it right now. Jack scores the first TD against Buccs and then gets killed.
Daddy: Coincidence. I’ve scored 4 times and I’m fine. Also, if the players start to believe scoring is bad for their health you and I are going to have a private talk involving a cucumber.
GRO: One last question. Madame Svetlana, your supposed captain, cancelled last week’s press conference and isn’t here today. She was fouled out on T4 against FOOD and T1 against Buccs, not to mention what happened versus Entombed. In all cases she spent the vast majority of the match asleep on the sidelines.
Daddy: I don’t hear a question, yet.
GRO: You’re CA’s leading scorer, you’re winning the games, pulling the team together, even handling these meetings. Why aren’t you the official captain?
Daddy: She wants to be.
GRO: And why is she the one who automatically gets what she wants?
Daddy: She’s the one with boobs.
Hey see it this way. She's received all that attention from opposition boot soles and she's still in one piece, that's pretty remarkable.
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