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BC - Greater Ulthuan Heros

Discussion in 'Team Blogs' started by Remthar, Jul 1, 2013.

  1. Remthar

    Remthar Well-Known Member

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    Greeting peasants and general filth of Averland.

    We are the Greater Ulthuan Heros.

    And we are Better Than You.

    Why are we Better Than You, you might ask, possibly in frothing and inferior rage?

    Because we are High Elves.

    And we are Winners

    After this short stint out here in the provincials we expect to to be competing in the Premier Division, where we will enjoy far better sponsorship deals Great Glory!

    This has been a message from The Elven Supremacist League Greater Ulthuan Heros PR.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 21, 2013
  2. Remthar

    Remthar Well-Known Member

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    Hello Fans, it is I, Remtharion, High Elven coach!

    Upon hearing of this great and mighty league, I immediately began scouring Ulthuan for the finest of raw elven talent.

    At the tallest peaks I found Farsighted Talendon. Trained in finest elven archery since a young age, he is able to hit a pigeon from almost a mile away! He admittedly had not seen a ball before signing up, but throwing a ball can't be all that different from shooting an arrow!

    Our two mighty Blitzers, Steadfast Fereldes and Dauntless Khalendon, are both veteran adventurers, who have traveled the old world, seen many of its places, people, wonders and sneered at them in contempt.

    The Wrathful Daeros was recruited due to his relentless ferocity, speed and skill. Rumors that he is a convicted murderer and has an unhealthy penchant for skinning things are fouls lies spread by jealous dark elves!

    The Swift Valarous was discover running through the great forests while the team traveled, and I, Couch Remtharion, was so impressed by his speed and endurance that he was signed on the spot! Some have questioned exactly what or who he was running from, but such is a minor detail.

    At this point, rather pressed for time, the team made a quick stop at the local military recruitment office. There we gathered many fine young elves. After all, bloodbowl is surely safer than military service...

    With an assistant left in the homeland to send on any more promising talent, we are now ready to show how bloodbowl should truly be played!
     
  3. TravelScrabble

    TravelScrabble Well-Known Member

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    Nice, it can be hard to place one's tongue in one's cheek without looking vulgar but you have managed it beautifully if I may say so.
     
  4. Remthar

    Remthar Well-Known Member

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    The Greater Ulthuan Heros have had their first match!

    [​IMG]


    It was obvious from the start that this was going to be a nerve-wracking match for both teams, with both of us having only two rerolls, few reroll skills on our players and no apothecaries! To help matters along, a blizzard was rolled as weather.

    The match started off with the Heros winning the toss and electing to kick off first in order to let the dark elves enjoy the speed and pass reducing effects of the weather.

    The Dark Elves made a quick strike down the left of the pitch, then quickly switched side and went down the right. After six turns, the dark elves were heavy bogged down with one K.O and no rerolls left.

    With the Heros closing in from all sides, the dark elves tried a risky pass to a linesman in range to score, but it was heroically intercepted by Swift Valarous! A dodge and quick pass later and the ball was racing down the field in the hands of Wrathful Daeros.

    With two turns to go, the Heros kicked off again and up came a blitz result! Both catchers and one of the Blitzers were able to run up next to the ball and the rest of the team marked up the rest of the dark elves. A dark elf linesman tied to dodge and pick up the ball, but tripped and the ball was left in a single tackle-zone! A two-dice blitz later, Daeros ran in his second touchdown of the match.

    At the start of the second drive the blizzard cleared up and the heros smoothly performed a two turn touchdown with a long pass from Talendon.

    With the score 3-0 things were looking very grim for the dark elves. Their drive started with a daring strike out with Jenny the witch elf. The heros tried to blitz Jenny and pushed her up near the sidelines, but in a classic display of overconfidence, left her marked by only a single blitzer. A quick blitz from the dark elves and Jenny revived the ball and ran it in.

    Still, the Heros were still feeling pretty safe with their lead, when Nuffle decided that it was time to balance out the heros earlier luck and The dark elves got a blitz. However Jenny failed to catch the kick and it ended up next to her. Breathing a sigh of relief the heros tried to pick up the ball, succeeded, but then failed a dodge and the ball was left in the open! The dark elves quickly capitalized on this and ran in a second touchdown, after breaking the neck of the poor line-elf Punctual Rifeldin.

    The Heros Revived the ball again, but this time were much less successful breaking into the backfield, with only the two catchers making it through. The dark elves thoroughly marked up the catchers and charged the High elf cage surrounding Talendon. After a couple of turned of failed maneuvering from the Heros, Talendon was crowd pushed and the ball came free. With it coming down to the last turn, The dark elves managed to retrieve the ball, but Jenny failed the last catch and the game ended 3-2 To the Ulthuan Heros!

    A very fun game, with Akirilus's dark elves so very nearly making a three touchdown comeback!
     
  5. Remthar

    Remthar Well-Known Member

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    The Second match

    [​IMG]


    Fans, this has been a day of Greased balls, of drugged elves, poor quality knock-off armor, rage, tears, klutzy dodges, shame, financial distress and, above all, of MAD WIZARDS F***ING WITH REALITY!

    You see dear fans, while you may only have experienced this match once, the team and I have had to play this match no less then three times!

    During the first attempt, the match did not go well for us. The team made a mess of easy dodges, which quickly wore on the teams spirit. Even above this tough it must be admitted that the team made a complete mess of their defense, while the orcs solidly battered they're way through to a turn eight score. Along the way, two elves were knocked out, daeros had tripped and badly hurt himself and one had his neck broken (however this was the Jobber, so no-one felt too bad).
    Unfortunately, the two K.Os decided to sleep for the rest of the match. At the start of the Heros drive the orcs got very enthusiastic, and charged! Fortunately for us, the orcs got a little too enthusiastic, and Swift Valarous was able to slip through the orcs line and out-run them to equalize.

    As the orcs collected the ball and set up against the seven remaining elves, disaster struck! A mad wizard F***ed with time and we found ourselves at the start of the day before the match was played!

    Match authority demanding that the match be played again, citing regulations that time travel is no excuse to not play bloodbowl.

    At the start of the second match the Heros were resolved to make a better showing, and prove their true and obvious superiority over the orcish filth. A resolution they promptly looked like they were going to cock-up when they fail to pick up the ball twice in a row.
    With the orcish menace now within hugging range of Farsighted Talendon, The hero managed a daring play and were able to pass to a blitzer who again, managed to outrun the over-enthusiastic orcs.
    The orcs then started their drive by promptly failing to pick up the ball. Evidently it was still greased . The Heros rushed in and got two played next to the ball! The orcs were about to start to try and disentangle the ball from the elves when, again MAD F***ING WIZARD! Time stopped, went upside-down, and back to the start we were.

    The third match started with the Heros reviving again. This time Taendon was able to pick up the ball without issue and the heros scored in three turns. The heros were just starting to be smug about their one turn of stalling when an orc took offense to an off-hand remark about his intelligence and an argument broke out. After it was sorted out, the ref turned back the clock.
    As the orcs revived the heros attacked the cage ferociously, marking up the ball carrier and generally delaying the orcs. The orcs manage to press on, but on the last tun of the drive a brave line-elf managed to dodge away from a black orc and, pushing himself to his limits, knocked over the ball carrier! Another line elf picked up the ball and quickly passed it to a catcher, just to impress the crowd. This did not however impress the orcs, who gouged the catchers eye, grabbed the ball, but fumbled the hand-off. With a catcher Injuries, The teams new Apothecary rushed on to the pitch and offered to break his leg instead. the offer was declined and the apothecary's employment was terminated.

    At this point there were now three injured elves and four K.Os. One of the K.Os was woken up, the others showed worring signs of having been drugged.

    The heros tried a daring five man offense an on their second turn one blitzer failed an easy dodge to try to free up his comrade for a long pass in two tackle zones, but it was not to be. The orcs surrounded Talendon, took the ball and his wallet and ran it in, breaking some more line elves on the way

    With the score 1-1, the Heros need every they could get on the pitch. Which turned out to be six guys.

    At this point the Heros mostly just coward as best they could and the orcs ran in an easy second touchdown, breaking some more elves on the way.

    As a final blow the team only got 10,000 gold profit out of the match.

    As things now stand the Hero will be needing four jobbers for the next match against Knornate Daemons (Application are welcome), Half the team has turned to alcohol and the assistant coaches are trying to talk Coach Remtharion out from under his bed.

    ps. sorry for a the wall of text but I had to get all of this out of my system >.<


    (thanks to Lloydsgamble for the matches, hopefully next time we'll only have to play our matches once :p)
     
  6. Street

    Street Well-Known Member

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    Well nice from my point of view that your team has taken such a beating from this game, hopefully my match against ogres this Saturday won't leave me in such an equally bad state.

    I hope you recover well for your matches after ours(But not before).
     
  7. Remthar

    Remthar Well-Known Member

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    May Nuffle guide the ogres fists :p
     
  8. TravelScrabble

    TravelScrabble Well-Known Member

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    Love it Remthar, very entertaining and props for making your frustration so enjoyable for the rest of us.
     
  9. Blasscend

    Blasscend Member

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    Against ogres, you should never expect anything but a crippled team coming out of it :p
     
  10. akirilus

    akirilus Well-Known Member

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    Very entertaining blog Remthar :) . I hope the assistant coaches can talk you back out from under the bed - you shouldn't drink in the dark! On the bright side, you will have 4 loners who can safely get their skulls bashed in next game - that's like the entire LoS, with one to spare ;) .
     
  11. Remthar

    Remthar Well-Known Member

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    Within the fanciest tent of the high elf camp, ex-linesman and new appointed assistant coach Riflendin was conversing with the fanciest bed in the camp (and probably the province).

    "Sir, won't you please consider making an appearance at practice, its been days..."

    "No. I like it under here. There are no orcs"

    Rifeldin looked over at his fellow ex-linesman Leonas, who was still on crutches after the unfortunate meeting with a black orc. Leonas just looked back at him hopelessly.

    "The team needs your leaderships sir, Khalendon and Fereldes and currently stalking the town challenging random people to honor duels, the linesmen have been drunk for days on end and Talendon was last seen going into town in the company of several human women."

    "I don't care! None of it matters! We lost. We aren't winners anymore..."

    Little refined sobs started to come out from under the bed.

    "Sir, it was just the second match of the season..."

    "Only the second match?! Do you know, that as of this moment there are Goblins that look down on me?! Goblins!"

    Rifelden was wishing that the High Coach hadn't taken the liquor chest under with him when he retreated to his refuge. If he started on the goblin rant now it would be hours before they could get anything else out of him.

    "Sir, why don't we go somewhere to take your mind off of this? I hear that there is some kind of exhibition match happening nearby soon. Why not go have a look at two non-elven teams, eh?
    It would help remind you of why they're inferior..."

    The bed was silent for a moment.

    "....as long as its a bloody match"

    "Sir?"

    "I bloody match a said! I want to see non-elves getting smashed!"



    Later, at the field..

    "So Rifeldin, who is playing?"

    "Orcs vs Ogres sir, both new but very violent looking"

    "Good, good"

    Remtharion was walking past the team dugouts with his two assistant coaches, as well as the two errant blitzers, who had been found about to pick a fight with two human blitzers from some kind of criminal gang.

    As Remtharion went to climb the stairs to the V.I.P seats, a shadow loomed over him.

    "Yes?" said Remtharion, looking up into the face of a disturbingly ugly ogre.

    "You da boss?" asked the orge eying him up and down

    "What are you talking about, ogre?" said Remtharion in a confident tone, whilst desperately signaling to the blitzers to protect him.

    "You look like what dey said da boss would look like." said the ogre "Yoor small and 'ave a fancy hat. Close enuff. Whats da plan?"

    "You're an ogre. I assume your plan would be to hit them until stop getting up"

    "Huh. I like dat plan. You a good boss"

    The ogre stomped over to his three friends

    "Empty out the sack ov snottlings lets go! Da boss has a Jenus plan!"

    [​IMG]


    That Match started off with the ogres reviving. The ogres proceeded to smash their way up the left flank, shoving two blitzers and a black orc into the crowd and K.Oing two other black orcs. When the ogres cage started to get too full of orces, a snot quickly made three dodges and managed to stall out a turn on the goal line before scoring

    The orcs then revived with two turns to score and surprised the ogres by charging rapidly up one of the sides. The orcs almost managed to score an early equalizer, but the blizer was marked by an ogre and failed to dodge away.

    The second half started, with the orcs main drive. The ogres tried to ram up the cage, but a failed snot dodge left the ogre marking the ball carrier open to a two-die block and the orcs were able to tie down the orges in the middle and send a blitzer down the side with the ball.

    The orc was about to score, when an ogre puch his friend free who then ran over to a snot, picked it up, and threw it at the orc! The snot landed in ranged and, to the awe of the crowd, the ogres and even the orcs, heroically blitzed the Orc ball carrier. The orc blitzer then looked down at the snotling gnawing on his ankles, saluted its bravery, then stomped it easily into the pitch and scored.

    The score was 1-1 with the ogres receiving , but with two turns to go the orcs were threatening the snotling ball carrier and so the ogres made a risky decision to the throw the snot, a decision which ended with a K.Oed snotling and the ball in orc hands, who managed to run it in on their last turn.

    The Ogres set up for one last throw teammate attempt, which sadly wasn't to be as the ball landed so it was just one square to far for a hand-off. Kaptin Dethpaw, the captain of the team then show off for the crowd by final managing a badly hurt on a black orc, which was celebrated by Mr. Startbrain throwing a snottling at an orc for the hell of it.
    Orcs were always going to be a rough start for an orge team with AV9 everywhere making it hard to inflict Casualties, while the orcs smashed up the snottlings in short order, leaving the ogres undermanned for the majority of the match. With a few more snotlings having been ordered, the Ogres and their new coach, Remtharion, feel that upcoming matches against elves of all non-evil flavors and some knornate death-cultists should go much better.

    Thanks to Coach Dubbs for a fun match.

    (I wasn't sure it was worth it to create a second team blog for the Ogres as they may well only play 5 matches, depending how things go, but I wanted to comment on their Matches so a put them in here)
     
  12. TravelScrabble

    TravelScrabble Well-Known Member

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    So many great BC blogs but this one is definitely one of my favorites. Love the melodrama.
     
  13. LoopH0LE

    LoopH0LE Member

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    Great read! Thought the Heroes had gone a little bonkers until I realized it was your team! Great way to crossover.
     
  14. LloydsGamble

    LloydsGamble Active Member

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    Just found this blog, love your writing sir!

    Our 3 match series was good fun, although somewhat frustrating for both of us at the time :eek:

    -------------------------------------

    "Dey may b puny elfses, but dey took der lumps like a propa Orc!"

    *He pauses to inspect the silvery fluid spattered on his armour *

    "Oooh dis elf blud shiny!"

    -Gronkthar "Flaya" Redzok, Blitzer
     
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2013
  15. Limdood

    Limdood Well-Known Member

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    i wouldn't get too excited Street, don't underestimate the awesome fouling power of 4 loners!
     
  16. Street

    Street Well-Known Member

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    Well ill have uh... 1 loner to foul with thanks Unkorntrollable early retirement...
     
  17. LoopH0LE

    LoopH0LE Member

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    You're welcome! :D
     
  18. Remthar

    Remthar Well-Known Member

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    "Dodge like a snotling!"

    "Punch like an Ogre!"

    High Coach Remtharion looked on as the Greater Ulthuan Heros ran around the pitch. Training was going well. He put down his favorite silver-plated magically enhanced megaphone (the one with the eagles with ruby eyes) and settled down into his large fancy coaching chair.

    "I have a good feeling about this new strategy Rifelden" he said before taking a sip of fine elven tea. "This new training regime will soon have the team back in order."

    "Very good sir"

    "I feel that the...Simplicity of the ogre style has brought me back to the heart of bloodbowl, Rifeldin."

    "R...really sir? I mean they did lose..."

    "Exactly Rifeldin! Because they are not elves! Their amusing failure has reminded me of the superiority of the High Elf race. I just need to drill the squad until they remember that too."

    "Yes sir..."

    "Now then, Captain Deathpaw..."

    "It's Dethpaw sur."

    "Pardon me. Captain 'Dethpaw' who are your next opponents?"

    "Elfs boss."

    "Filthy hippy wood elves?

    "No boss."

    "Degenerate, spike crazed, dark elves?"

    "No boss."

    "Riff-raff, lower class, 'pro' elves?

    "No boss."

    "Oh gods you're facing High Elves."

    "Dat bad boss?"

    "Rifeldin! Do I know any of them?"

    "I...don't think so sir."

    "Then no. It won't be"

    "Of course you will obviously lose, as you are going against the Superior High Elven race, but give it a go..."
     
  19. TravelScrabble

    TravelScrabble Well-Known Member

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    Its very sad that HE cannot get a rostered ogre, promise me you'll induce morg if you ever get the chance.
     
  20. Remthar

    Remthar Well-Known Member

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    Oh believe me, I will :D