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BC - Greater Ulthuan Heros

Discussion in 'Team Blogs' started by Remthar, Jul 1, 2013.

  1. Remthar

    Remthar Well-Known Member

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    “Meep is outside Hero-Sissies training mansion! Meep is here for… Hold camera-thing steady Goblin-puddle! Meep is here along with other respected-noble journalist-things to ask Hero-elf-sissies about big-big scandal! Eeeep! Don’t tread on Meep fellow reporter-thing!”

    “Ahhhh! The pile of garbage just spoke!”

    “Meep is not Garbage-trash! Meep is respected… Hero-thing big-boss going to speak! Get camera on him Goblin-puddle!”

    “Ahem! I, Grand High Coach Remtharion, wish to issue a statement! The Greater Ulthuan Heroes have not signed a black orc onto our team! That would be silly, and is an insult to our superior high elven nature! Our recently hired catcher just works out a lot! She is not a Black orc with ears glued on, that would be silly and I wouldn’t never do that! Besides, I hate orcs and they’re too slow! Matoria is fast!”

    “Blug from da Altdwarf timez. Iz she a Lizardman den?”

    “She is not bright blue and… well ok our uniform is blue, but thats not the point, anyway she isn’t covered with scales!”

    “Summer Meadowdance of the Moot Whombler. Isn’t there any free food at the press conference?!”

    “Elven pastries are on their way.”

    “Meep Snivelscribler, Meep Report yes-yes! Have you stolen potions from coach Netsmurf?!”

    “No! This is just 100% natural elven superiority! Not essence of black orc or rampant steroid abuse! No more questions!”

    “Yay! Meep has committed real journalisms!”

    *****

    Time for a Midseason update! Where are the Heroes at?

    Overall the Heroes are 2-2-2 for the season with three games to go; Fallowhearts dark elves, the hated Shortman Syndrome and some hippy wood elves. Currently in 5th place, out of range of winning this season, but still within striking distance of a spot in the top four and thus sticking around for next season.

    Things have been a bit frustrating for the Heroes. Three deaths halved the size of the treasury and cost us a guard, and the rising star Gwithiline is now carrying 30k bloat. But overall the squad has been improving.

    Coaching staff status: Remtharion is no longer hiding under his bed, Leonas has been slacking off, Rifeldin has been doing all the work and Deffpaw has started prepping his lizards with the aim of getting a second crunch cup.

    The team:

    Team captain Steadfast Fereldes. Blitzer. Though still threatening as hell with his agi5 and leap, Fereldes has often been used for his guard more recently. Somehow still alive, despite the best efforts of everyone we meet.

    Duke Illroth. Blitzer. Should probably have taken sidestep over tackle with him as a second skill, but having more tackle around for the elf teams can’t hurt. Somewhat stand-offish at the moment, I’m sure the rest of the team will grow on him soon though.

    Glorious Exalia. Thrower. Though slightly drug addled, Exalia’s strong arm is a useful tool in the Heroes offence.

    Catchers:

    Princess Androssia. The longest surviving catcher, despite not being the most protected. Always around to get the job done, and here many handmaidens still provide the Heroes with an excellent support crew.

    Superior Salvaron. An elven killer! Or as he thinks of himself, warrior-poet. Trained by saurus in the ancient arts of hitting people really hard in the face, Salvaron has been a great asset to the team!

    Magnificent Gwithiline. The Heroes one turning expert has had her career halted by a smashed ankle. Though still around for the time being, she is investigating other lines of work.

    Matoria the Avenger. Only played a couple of games and has already displayed shocking strength! Future star, or promising career cut short, we’ll have to see!

    Linemen of note:

    Ascended lineman Truthful Purion. An at least theoretical constant threat to the ball with his wrestle, agi5 and leap. Hasn’t actually been able to get away with the ball so far this season, but with the help of Fereldes its only a matter of time. Not quite living up the the legacy of his wardancer mother yet. Has played the most matches on the team despite having served on the LOS for a time!

    Olaenia. The only one of Androssia’s Handmaiden that stuck with playing more than a single game, she’s survived surprisingly long with only av7. She took up the role of kicker after the Heroes first kicker died.

    Ponderous Illithin. Only a single skill and its guard, but a very useful and in demand member of the team. He is one of the reasons the Heroes are able to bash as well as they do.

    Conniving Arlathan. No ones sure what this guys up to, but levelling with a cas, a TD and a pass in his first match means he must be up to something!

    Three other recently hired linemen. Maybe they’ll live, but probably they won’t. You never know.
     
  2. Netsmurf

    Netsmurf Well-Known Member

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    Seems I need to control my stock of Black orcs essence - just to be sure;)
     
  3. TravelScrabble

    TravelScrabble Well-Known Member

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    Heroes are looking good. Can't let Revolutionaries have all the glory.
     
  4. Remthar

    Remthar Well-Known Member

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    Heroes vs Crush of Night MD7

    Brief here again sorry, I’m feeling tired a lot at the moment and feeling a little uninspired with the Heroes. I’ll get back in the spirit again, just a lull atm.


    Plan for this match was to outbash the Delfs, Heroes had two men and a MB tackler against the 11 Delfs with AV7 on two key blitzers. Fallow had 100K inducements with which he brought two babes, a good plan to mitigate bashing. Just they were never needed.

    Heroes win the toss and kick, and lose the guard lino K.Oed, not unreasonable. But the runner is covered by a single blitzer, right next to the sideline… Fereldes gets a blitz on him needing a GFI, which he has to reroll then rolls double both down to surf the runner. The runner is freed up, and a rookie Hero Lineman in injured -MA. The runner passes, and the receiving lineman fails a catch, but the guy behind him catches it anyway! The Dark elves make a cage midway up the Heroes half.

    Purion is able to leap into the cage, but gets a skull on the 1D and K.Os himself. Matoria, the new ST4 catcher gets a 2d block on the dodging ball carrier, but can’t get a pow on 4 dice.

    Then I get angry at the dice, and fuck up completely. Salvaron and Gwithiline attack the cage near the endzone, but are both smoothly surfed out. Gwithiline is K.Oed and stays out for the match. The Heroes are forced to disengage as the entire dark elf team protects the ball in front of the endzone.

    The One turner ends with double skulls being reroll to double stumbles on the blitz. But Androssia does badly hurt a lineman.

    *****

    Plan is now to score fast with Matoria, and aim for the steal. All Heroes bar Gwithiline and the -MA lino are back on the pitch, so with Salvaron a number advantage should still be possible.

    Dark elves get a blitz. The ball isn’t in range for them to catch, but for safeties sake I have to move a load of player back to cover the ball from the elf running after it. The weather is very sunny and Exallia the thrower is out, so I can’t risk a long pass up the field. Matroia is given the ball, and I run up the right, but get boxed in. Matoria is able to keep the ball safe from the Leaping wrestler, but eventually two Heroes are stunned and someone is bound to get surfed, so Fereldes is given the ball and he leaps and dodges to score.

    Dark elves have three turns left 10 of them vs 11 Heroes, so probably a score. Bu the runner snake eyes the pickup, using up the delf last Reroll. Fereldes can mark the ball, and Matoria moves up within two GFIs of the endzone. A lineman is sent off trying to foul out a reviver.

    Then a dark elf lineman snake eyes a dodge as he moves up to join two other receiving threats. Heroes mark up the two guys in range, then Fereldes collects the ball in two tackle zones, dodges twice and passes to Matoria. Who makes two GFIs to run in the win for the Heroes.

    *****

    Really feel I didn’t deserve this win, two snake eyes at the last minute screwed the CoN hard. I let the early bad luck get to me and completely threw my defence.

    Thanks to Fallow for the match, feels like every time I play you you’re screwed over by a bad snake eyes. Hope the Night are able to catch a break soon.
     
  5. Remthar

    Remthar Well-Known Member

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    Greater Ulthuan Heroes vs Shortman Syndrome

    “You’ve been very quiet recently sir.”

    “I am contemplating dwarves Rifelidn. Why? Why are they so short and awful? Why are they so slow and boring? How can they not see how much worse they are than elves? These questions bother me.”

    “I see sir. Well Leonas is back from scouting and may have answers for you.”

    “I doubt it Rifeldin, but we should check I suppose. Send him in.”

    Leonas strutted into the High Coaches office.

    “Dwarves be dead guys! Those Burnning balls guys took out both their best runners!” he said

    “What?! But Salvaron has been training to kill Bruno Mars for weeks!” said Remtharion

    “Well he’s too injured to play and the strong one died! It was very tragic, I laughed a lot.”

    “What about the rest of the team?” asked Rifeldin

    “Oh, still horrific monsters. A couple of guys as strong as black orcs, guarding and mighty blows everywhere, the usual.”

    “Ha HA! We can win this! Rifeldin, bring me my taunting cape and a list of synonyms for stupid and smelly in dwarvish! It’s time to issue a statement!”

    *****

    The Heroes again faced their old enemy, Shortman Syndrome! The Heroes won the toss and decided to kick. The first couple of turns saw Daniel Radcliffe Pile onto a rookie lineman and K.O him, and then K.O Guard Lineman Illithin soon after. But the Heroes fought back all dawrven advances, and Salvaron got a couple of useful stuns along the way.

    But The STR4 pair, Nicolas Sarkozy and Vern Troyer were able to keep making steady progress up the middle, and the two blitzers get trying to sneak up the right flank. However Illroth was able to get a hit on Vern Troyer due to the dwarves being spread out, and marked rookie Runner Prince!

    The Dwarves repositioned to the right flank, and were able to surf Lineman Arlathan. Blitzer Napoleon made his way past the Heroes line, but was brought down and surrounded! On Turn 7 the Heroes are blocking SMS’s way just within reach of the endzone. The Dwarves try the longshot play but Napoleon fails his dodge and the first half ends 0-0!

    ***

    The Heroes receive with 11 players on the pitch. Brand new and exciting catcher Matoria is on 12 SSP, so a SPP pass and a TD will see her level for next match. Olaenia badly hurts a dwarf off the LOS and things are off to a great start! But Matoria fails to pick up the ball. Then next turn she fails again, this time with a reroll!

    The Dwarves start to close in, and Stephen Hawking on his Deathroller badly hurts Olaenia, which inspires blocker Harim to remeber how to hurt Elves and Gwithline is out too!

    Exalia takes charge of the ball and sends it flying up the field to Androssia, who runs through a hole opened by Salvaron! Heroes rush through to cover her and start stalling their way up the backfield. SMS pursue, and mark the Heroes while the Slayers move up to block the way! Matoria will just need one assist to blitzer her way through… and Duke Illroth snake eyes a dodge!

    Well shit. Matoria is knocked over by Vern troyer, who catches the ball and many other Heroes are knocked over. Things look pretty bloody grim.

    But Fereldes leaps into the mass of Dwarves and provides an assist for Matoria! Matoria then badly hurts Vern with a single great punch, catches the ball, and makes a couple of 3+ dodges, needing the TRR, to then GFI and score! 1-0 to the Heroes through Matoria’s Heroism!

    SMS now have three turn to equalise, and are helped by the fact that none of the Heroes K.Os come back! Eight Heroes now need to stop the dwarves moving up receivers… or would have had Dethpaw not led a pitch invasion which took down five dwarves and one Hero! The Dwarves eventually are able to move a slayer and a blocker into range to score, and smash Androssia’s knee in the process! The Apo sees the damage and immediately suggests suicide, handing Androssia a poisoned vial. Androssia declines the Apos offer.

    SMS get a chance at the pass, but Princes Fumbles the ball and the match is over, 1-0 to the Heroes!

    *****

    Thanks to Coachman for another great match, the Heroes got the lions share of the luck to win this one! The Heroes have, as promised, helped to remove the Altdwarf dwarf infestation! I suspect the Heroes haven’t seen the last of those dwarves though. Annoying about Androssia getting a niggle, but with this the Heroes have a chance of staying up in the top four so long as someone slips!

    This time its the Heroes watching your team with hungry eyes Danton!

    [​IMG]
     
  6. Remthar

    Remthar Well-Known Member

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    “Ladies and gentlemen, this… is a wood elf!”

    Remtharion pointed at the wardancer poster on the wall

    “That’s my mother!” shouted Purion!

    “For right now she represents the enemy Purion!” shouted back Remtharion “We must crush these tree hugging, primitive elves if we are to guarantee ourselves a place in Altdwarf next season!

    “You can tell they’re related, she really does resemble him…” Androssia said to Olaenia, as they wandered up and examined the poster.

    “Yeah, look at the beady, untrustworthy eyes and low brow…”

    “Do not insult my mother! Or me!”

    “Calm down everyone!” Remtharion shouted into his magic megaphone “The Wardancer is our greatest enemy! Particularly Chernobyl…”

    Leonas sprinted in. “Chernobyl just got her leg busted by a rat jumping on it! She’ll miss our match!”

    Remtharion ripped the posters off the wall and threw them in the bin. “Forget strategy then, we don’t need it! Charge for glory! Rifeldin, send a gift basket to the Pie Rats!”

    “Eek, don’t throw mothers posters in the bin!” screamed Purion

    “Sir, the rats have beaten us twice and you hate them.” Said Rifeldin

    “Good point Rifeldin. Send them a poisoned gift basket.”
     
  7. jounisii

    jounisii Well-Known Member

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    Dear Purion,

    you have been a bad, bad boy. Hanging around with arrogant cheaters, absorbing some very harmful influences. To wear armour that big? That's not the way I raised you. shame on you. Therefore, I must spank your little bottom once again as I did when you were a little elfling. I might have to teach a lesson to your so called friends as well in hope that you'll get back to your senses.

    With love, always,

    Mom
     
  8. Remthar

    Remthar Well-Known Member

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    But Muuuuummmm, the capes look so cool...

    Purion.
     
  9. coachman

    coachman Well-Known Member

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    Boo! You suck!

    Things would have been so different if bruno was playing... and I didnt have a cold, and the sun wasnt in my eyes, and I had to put the bin out. You better pray were not in the same division next season because sms dont forgive and never forget.

    GG Rem.
     
  10. Remthar

    Remthar Well-Known Member

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    Unfortunately it looks like we're going to be missing the company of your charming dwarves next season. We'll be up here waiting for their return though... and ready to kick them right back down again! ;)

    Be sure to look after Bruno, the Heroes want to put him down personally.
     
  11. coachman

    coachman Well-Known Member

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    You dont have to worry about bruno. Everyone wants him dead but hes bullet proof.
    When the nuclear bomb drops all that will be left will be cockroaches... and bruno mars.

    Real dorfs dont die. They just get angrier.
     
  12. Remthar

    Remthar Well-Known Member

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    Heroes vs Suckers!

    With the fortunate MNG of the suckers strip ball Dancer in their last game, thing were looking good for the Heroes, good enough that they were giving away a wizard in inducements. As the result didn’t matter since the Wanderers declared their retirement, the plan for for a shootout from the word go, two turn TD or GTFO!

    So with the Heroes receiving the Sucker got a blitz on a short kick. I need to photoshop elf ears on Picard facepalming at some point.

    With the ball caught by a catcher, thing weren’t too bad as Salvaron and his MB tackle were in range to hit the catcher! …Except I accidentally blitz with Gwithiline instead. I of course roll stumbles, as Nuffle likes to rub in a good proper fuck up.

    A lot of marking and silent screaming later, the Heroes are saved by catcher Gazprom deciding to Herobowl this and failing a 3+ dodge in an attempt to dodge through a tacklezone for the immediate score. In celebration I blitz with the wrong catcher again. Really need that facepalm.

    End up caging up the side, and by the time I’m in range to score I’m worried that scoring now will mean going into the next half 1-1, so try to stall for a T8 score. But on turn 5, the fireball comes down on four elves, including STR 4Matoria who has the ball. Matoria is K.Oed and Salvaron stunned. Dancer Fukushima dodges, leap and dodges out again to hand the ball to lineman, who runs for it.

    And… saved by a snake eyed dodge the next turn. The Ball carrier is left standing in the middle of a mass of Heroes rather than just barely in reach. Purion passes to Salvaron for the T8 score! Suckers OTTD is foiled by a failed pickup.

    ****

    Pouring rain comes down for the Suckers offencive drive, but its a scatter pass from the backup thrower to the main thrower that screws over the Woodies. A lot of GFIs later and the Heroes have the ball surrounded. The Sucker are able to push a Heroe onto the ball… which scatters onto Illroth, who goes on to score! 2-0 to the Heroes!

    Next the Heroes think they’ve made life hard for the Sucker, but a cunning blitz later and the 2-Turner comes off. 2-1 to the Heroes.

    Heroes reply with a 2-turner of their own. 3-1 to the Heroes

    Suckers up the pace with a one turner on turn 14! 3-2 to the Heroes!

    Heroes go for a 2-turner again, but this time try to be bloody clever and end up going up the middle instead of the open sides. Because… I don’t know why. Still we’re high elves, and Matoria is in something that looks kinda like a cage if you squint. We’ll get through this.

    But Exalia has to throw over a catcher… and is intercepted! Safe throw fails with a reroll. But nuffle is ultimately in a high elf mood and catcher Gazprom fumbles the Turn16 pass to a dancer in the endzone. Exalia manages to avoid a second interception and Matoria ends the game 4-2 to the Heroes.


    *****

    God elf games are always all over the place! Overall was luckier at the end of the day, and got a nice amount of SPP to get killed next season. Only player to level was a 5 spp rookie lineman from an spp pass and also getting another MVP, more wrestle helps.

    Thanks to Jounisii for a crazy elf match, things could have gone in a very different direction several times! We’ll be seeing the Suckers again next season…

    [​IMG]
     
  13. jounisii

    jounisii Well-Known Member

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    TY 2 rem. I really do enjoy a proper elf-off even though it usually leads to some involuntary nail trimming.

    If I hadn't lost my chances to championship earlier against TS, I might have played that blitz! situation more carefully and fallen back after the hole wasn't created. But wanted to force a maniacal 5-4 shoot-out or something. Oh well...

    Sure was a fun match, especially when things started happen in the 2nd half. Can't wait the re-match. Hopefully w 2 dancing girls. BTW. Fukushima rolled AG for better cage leaping ;)
     
  14. Landwaker

    Landwaker Member

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    Grats Heroes and Suckers, looking forward to seeing you both next season! :skull::D
     
  15. Remthar

    Remthar Well-Known Member

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    Season 6, Prologue

    “Yes Officer, I’m quite sure. We’d never have burned down part of the city, I mean look at us, We’re cultured High Elves! And we love the city of Altdwarf and deeply respect human culture… and no, we have nothing to do with Lizardmen, I don’t even know what a lizardman is! Behind me? That… is a statue! Look at how still it is… Drinking from the garden fountain? Well of course, it is a magic statue… Yes it is very good isn’t it. Very lifelike. If there is nothing else officer…? Look, high elves don’t burn things down, and that picture doesn’t even look like us! I tell you who it does look like… The Crush of Night! Yes, Dark elves! They do evil things all the time, like burn down cities. Good, please do talk to them. Goodbye, Officer.”

    Rifeldin closed the main gate into the Greater Ulthuan Heroes mansion and training grounds. That was the watch dealt with again.

    He walked up the path to the mansion, glaring at Mr. Blue. Captain-coach Dethpaw had pulled out of the Crunch Cup at the last minute due to a crisis in Lustira calling his team home. But he had left Mr. Blue with the Heroes, as the Saurus was still recovering from a knee injury.

    The Lizard stared back at Rifeldin for a moment, then went back to drinking from the fountain.

    Rifeldin made his way to the High Coaches office, knocked and entered.

    “Ah, Rifeldin! Just in time for the staff meeting!” said High Coach Remtharion. “I have exciting news!”

    “Yes sir? And um, where is Leonas? Shouldn’t he be here for this meeting?”

    “That is one part of the exciting new Rifeldin! I sacked him for being useless! Yes, we are finally free of his doomsaying… and it feels good!”

    “Oh. Was that really a good idea sir…?”

    “The best idea, Rifeldin. Well not quite the best, that is my other idea!”

    “Sir, commando skinks infiltrating the pitch just won’t work, the grass just isn’t long enough…”

    “No no, not that idea…”

    “We can’t hide the bolt thrower well enough, and the referees will figure out where it came from…”

    “Not if we play in the stadium next to the military firring range Rifeldin! They’ll think it was just another tragic misfire, everyone knows those cadets are hopeless, they literally kill themselves roughly every six shots! But that wasn’t what I was talking about anyway. I’ve been in contact with with the USN, and they’re going start covering our matches!”

    “The Ulthuan Sporting Network?!”

    “Yes, they’re interested in an international bloodbowl segment and I’ve convinced them that we’re the ones to follow! High Elven superiority in Altdwarf, it’s very exciting! Also lucrative and will grow our reputation! We shall achieve the recognition and fame we deserve back home! We will be interviewed by true elven journalists, rather than foul smelling rodents and strange cross-eyed orcs!”

    “It sounds very exciting sir. I’m sure the team will be overjoyed at getting yet more attention.”

    “Hmmm speaking of the team, you should probably track them down. The break is nearly over and we should probably practise once or twice…”
     
  16. Borke

    Borke Well-Known Member

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    That gave me a good chuckle! :D
     
  17. St Cloud

    St Cloud Well-Known Member

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    1 in 6 thats Bloo Bowl :)
     
  18. Remthar

    Remthar Well-Known Member

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    “Really? This is what you two have been doing? Not training for the next season, but this.” Said Rifeldin

    “Yeah, its awesome! Fereldes thought it up!” said Purion “Look, we’ll show you. Cover your face with the hood.”

    The three elves were sitting at a table in the dark corner of a seedy tavern in lower Altdwarf. Rifeldin sighed and pulled over his hood.

    “How long to we have to wait?” he asked

    “Not long… look, someone coming over already!” said Purion

    Two rough looking humans in armour walked towards the elves, followed by a dwarf carrying a massive battle-axe and crossbow and an elf with a lute.

    “The barman said you needed brave adventurers.” Said the leading human.

    “Yes brave warrior!” said Fereldes in his dramatic voice. “We are the Three High Princes of Althel Loren, and we need your aid! The city is in danger!”

    “The city?”

    “Yes, can you not see the Dark Lords floating Doom Palace above the city?!”

    “I told you it was a Doom Palace!” said the dwarf “Nooooo, you said, it’s something to do with Bloodbowl, you said! It’s a damn doom palace!”

    “But we know it’s weakness! There is a strange yeti corpse in the Heart of the Fortress, if you stab it with a blessed weapon as the sun rises, the Dark Commissioner’s power is broken!” said Purion

    “I thought you said he was a Dark Lord, not a Dark… Commissioner?” said the second human.

    “He commissions Evil!” said Purion

    “Oh wow, I am totally writing a ballad about this one guys!” said the elf with the lute “Quick, what rhymes with Commissioner?!”

    “But how do we get up to the Doom Palace anyway?” said the leading human.

    “We leave that up to you brave heroes.” said Fereldes.

    “What about the reward?” said the dwarf.

    “Ten thousand gold, this magic mirror, everything you can loot from the palace, the thanks of the people of Altdwarf and the hand of a princess of Althel Loren in marriage.”

    “Make that four princess, one each!” said the dwarf

    “But you don’t like elven women…” said the elf with the lute.

    “Shhhh, you got negotiate with these people!” the dwarf whisper back loudly.

    “We won’t give you four princesses!” said Purion

    “Three then, but thats my final offer.”

    “Ok, two.”

    “Two and a half!”

    “We’re not giving you half a princess!”

    “Ok, two then. Done!”

    Purion and the dwarf shook hands.

    “Payment will be rendered upon saving the city.” Said Fereldes. “Except the magic mirror, you can have that now.”

    “Sweet, what does it do?” asked the elf with the lute, as Fereldes handed it to him.

    “It shows the one you love most.”

    The elf looked in the mirror. “Nice, it works!”
     
  19. TravelScrabble

    TravelScrabble Well-Known Member

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    Good work heroes, the commissioner must be stopped.
     
  20. cjblackburn

    cjblackburn Well-Known Member

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    If that's how you want it that's fine by me just remember you started it.

    Set Lemmings to kill.