1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Crunch Cup Courier #30

Discussion in 'Crunch Cup Courier' started by John McGuirk, Mar 13, 2012.

  1. John McGuirk

    John McGuirk Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,697
    Country Flag:
    [​IMG]

    Light edition: only one gold piece!

    After the fire, the real fire-fighting began.

    No, not further combustions among the premises - or staff. These fresh fires were of the metaphorical variety, popping up now here, now there; no less uninvited, than they were unexpected; (metaphorically) singeing our (metaphorical) fingertips as we desperately scrambled to keep the good (metaphorical) ship Courier from (metaphorically) running aground in the wake of our latest (sadly, all too real) inferno.

    With yet another editor now missing, presumed cremated, we needed to appoint a new chief fireman - so to speak - and subsequent to a frank and healthy exchange of opinions among the senior workforce, when the smoke finally cleared, it was me, old Merrick, who'd proven to have the firmest grip on the shiny red helmet.

    So to speak.

    Crunch Towers were a cinder, an unsalvageable ruin, so relocation was the immediate priority - but then there was the small matter of not having anywhere to relocate to. We had no money, no property, and worst of all - no planning permission. Long story short - really, the less said about our first plan to have Alexander Krauss seduce the Imperial Minister for Commercial Development, the better - this edition of the Courier comes to you from sunny Moonlight Springs.

    Yes, that Moonlight Springs: AltDwarf’s most notorious slum, the Cardboard Empire; only a catapult's launch away from civil society, conveniently located at the absolute fringe of the city limits. Population: 300; town motto: "the Empire's First Choice for the Upwardly Mobile Young Hobo"; crime rate: well, let's just say that the local equivalent of the handshake is being mugged, and that the local equivalent of the compliment is being mugged with a smile.

    The settlement's presumably named after the local 'distillation' 'industry', an enterprise quite dubious enough to merit both of those pairs of inverted commas. It's not the only business going on in the area - this is also the home of the Empire's national ‘street sheet’, the Large Edition, written for the benefit of the homeless, sold largely by the same, and paid for almost exclusively by the collective guilt of the city’s comfortable middle-classes. We've generously been offered the use of their press while we weather our current rough patch.

    And then there’s the Mayor’s raccoon farms.

    I say ‘Mayor’; the title seems largely ceremonial, not to say entirely self-appointed, but nobody disputes that the eerily ubiquitous Mayor Peter "Petey" P. runs the show in a place most city guardsmen would take a transfer to Her Majesty's Kislevite Constabulary to avoid visiting. And there's also little doubt that, without his hospitality, we'd be churning out the Courier in the company of mountain bears. Or worse - Marienburghers.

    Petey's quite an.. eccentric character, and negotiations to move in were initially fraught. Threats of violence were almost immediate, and repeated accusations were made of - I'm not sure how to put this - federal espionage? Which is to say, he accused us of being from the "gubinment", and coming "for [his] shpleen". But for two packs of smokes and the promise that our very own Albrecht Mistreuer would impart the secrets of his tin-foil 'SpleenSafe™ countermeasure technology', we finally had our own offices again.

    (While most of us are making a reluctant commute to the 'Springs, I should mention that Albrecht himself has taken up an enthusiastic residence in the camp. It says a lot about the place that he's one of the mildest and least feverish of the local residents, but there hasn't been an Incident since he took to the shanties, so who am I to say what's best for him?)

    Then there was just the small matter of making a newspaper. What we really needed was all hands to the fore, but perhaps understandably, nobody was exactly swift in adjusting to this new working environment. The atmosphere in the newsroom was noticeably muted all week - the screeching from the nearby raccoon dairies notwithstanding. And now that I've written that sentence, these cheese and pickle sandwiches I bought on the way in today are clearly a lost cause. Present for you, Gutrog..

    The stress of the fire seems to have taken a toll on the staff. Most affected was Gunnar, who seems, in his odd way, to have formed quite an attachment to our late Dr Jenkyns. Or to his money, at any rate. He's been busy at work on an article all week, which I'm sure you'll agree to be a singularly worrying development.

    You can find his (worryingly) touching eulogy to poor old Heinrich in the pages that follow, as well as a preview of the season ahead - courtesy of our recently-hired Halfling intern, Headcut Gonzalez. I'm sure that our new friend from the Moot will soon feel right at home, here among the detritus of real civilisation. With Crunch Cup VIII barely underway, I've given the rest of the staff a week off - hopefully it'll help them come to terms with their new standing in the world.

    Finally, yes, we’re doing everything we bloody well can to erect a new Crunch Towers in a more.. a less… in a different part of the city. I thought we could save a packet by getting some of the locals to do us a few days’ cash-in-hand. On the quiet like. But we've already run into trouble, with Petey suddenly declaring himself negotiator-in-chief on behalf of the, ah, ‘work’force, proclaiming that the choice of building materials is the builder's prerogative, not the client's, and threatening that if we try to insist on anything other than reinforced cardboard and corrugated iron, they'll unionise.

    And also that they need to be paid in nails, because "the secret of nails, y'see, is that you can't trace 'em, not like that fine'n fancy city-boy money, oh no, which is a gubinment trap to enslave us all - didja ever think o'that, city-boy? And when the end times come, and they're a-coming, oh yes siree sirrah they're a-coming, they're a-comin' hard, they're a-comin' fast, well, time'll be there'll be only nails for a man to trust. Nails, and smokes. And hooch. Y'see?".

    There may be two fewer matches than last time around, but something tells me this is going to be a long season.

    Merrick van der Groß
     
  2. John McGuirk

    John McGuirk Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,697
    Country Flag:
    William Kill Bookmakers

    The following article is a promotion sponsored by William Kill bookmakers and should be considered as such. The opinions in this article are expressed by people with no scruples and dubious character and are practically guaranteed to lose you money… This is why this disclaimer is in such small print...

    Salutations to the Sportsfans and those who love gore and the folks who don’t know what they’re reading this for…

    This is Halfling Issues Correspondent Headcut Gonzalez, in association with William Kill bookmakers. The folks at the Courier have finally responded to my barrage of begging letters by allowing me to pen the William Kill sponsored preview of the much-anticipated Crunch Cup VIII on an unpaid internship, which gives me a chance to work alongside my hero, the multiple award-winning Adonis that is Gunnar Longtongue. Imagine having the opportunity to shadow him, soak up his wisdom, and maybe even hit on a couple of his groupies after he’s done with them…

    I must admit, in the interests of journalistic transparency, the reality has not lived up to the dream just yet. For one thing Crunch Towers is currently just a pile of ash, and my workspace is a shed constructed primarily of cardboard. During monsoon season this can be… challenging shall we say?

    It is also discouraging that I have been told not to interact directly with any of my fellow correspondents, including Gunnar, as GG doesn’t want me ‘bothering the real journalists.’ Nevertheless, the savings made by creating my quarters from the cheapest materials they had in the skip round the back have enabled them to meet Gunnar’s demands of a solid gold brothel and increase his entourage of slaves and geishas to a number more befitting of his station. After all, grapes don’t peel themselves.

    On the one occasion I have managed to run into him he yelled for security to remove me from the building, and there was an unmistakeable hint of gratitude in his voice. With time, I am sure our relationship will blossom to the point where he doesn’t mistake me for a trespasser.

    Happily, GG’s instructions did not say anything about climbing a tree and peering into the window of Gunnar’s quarters using a telescope…

    I’m Headcut Gonzalez, and this is everything you need to know about Crunch Cup VIII!

    THE FAVOURITES

    The return of NiffeNaffeNurgle has sent sales of nose pegs and sick buckets through the roof, but while these items may help to reduce the physical ailments that will undoubtedly be caused by the disease-ridden pox-providers, the mental trauma means teams in their division may be well advised to hire some psycho-analysts and grief counsellors. The former finalists will be hoping to go one step further this time around. Their Beast of Nurgle Doc NiffNaff is the most affectionate player in the competition, often spending most of the game cuddling as many of the opposition as he can.
    ODDS - the odds of this team winning the competition are so short that if you bet on them and they do win the competition, you actually lose money.

    I see dead people! Mainly because I’m looking at Crunch Cup Elite, the necromantic team that tore through the first division before being upset in the playoffs. Coach Lebe666 is a master of psychological warfare and hit upon a novel way of getting under the skin of his opposite numbers by forcing his players to change their names by deed poll after the top coaches in the competition (and Barninho). This means that for a coach to destroy the Elite, he must first destroy himself, a paradox that leaves all but the strongest minded individuals in something of an existential funk. The elf-like Dreamy Wolf will be a major asset to their hopes of success.
    ODDS – 2-1 against.

    No-one knows what happened to the originals, or even if they ever existed, but Badfellas II return to the competition after a fine run in the Kroppenleben and Surrounding Region Invitational Classic. The Courier is informed they won the competition with a 100% record, although it should be pointed out the Dark Elves are the only team from Kroppenleben and the surrounding region is basically an uninhabitable wasteland of scorched earth and lava pits. Still a trophy is a trophy, they’re former Crunch Cup contenders and they have a talented blitzer in Anton Chigurgh, who is agile enough to get a spot on Har Ganethornication’s bench.
    ODDS – 3-1 against.

    Rams are a Chaos side that started slow last time around but got better and better as the competition went on. Certainly the Elite will not remember them fondly as coach Vusfnuv masterminded a victory in the play-offs that ranked as one of the upsets of the competition. This time round Rams are far more experienced and expected to come out of the starting blocks with considerably more panache. They’ll be looking to Fraey Pelt, a Beastman with a mean passing game, to inspire them to the finals.
    ODDS - 3-1 against.
     
  3. John McGuirk

    John McGuirk Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,697
    Country Flag:
    However they do in this competition, DRAWF! have burned themselves into the consciousness of the supporters with a series of bruising displays. Few sights are more stirring than the sight of these short-arses yelling their battle cry of “Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?” as the ball launches into the air. Flanks’ guys aren’t the fastest, but then they normally only have to catch you once. Runner Varkrin is almost always the scorer, and capable of picking up a ball and running in a straight line with the best of them…
    ODDS - 5-1 against.

    Norsca Viking Liners, coached by Alouatta, have an impressive record in Crunch Cup competitions and even more impressive for a Norse team they have a 15 player roster that doesn’t carry a single injury between them. These barbarian boozers are at their best when they get the hits in first, but if they don’t, there’s always a player ready to come off the bench. The star of the team is Ulfwerener supreme Ulf ‘the Howler’ Svensson. Given that historically Norse teams have struggled in this competition, the Liners seem well placed to gain some Nordic pride back.
    ODDS - 7-1 against.

    THE OUTSIDERS

    Of course it’s not all about the high team value titans in the top division, Crunch Cup has a tradition of producing surprise packages from the lower divisions, due to the playoff format, and this year is unlikely to be an exception. Just ask Bolepolk, who burst onto the scene last season as coach of Vampire team extraordinaire Ravenous Rush who came from nowhere to excel in the playoffs and go all the way to the final against the steroid induced Har Ganethornication. The fortunes of this team will fascinate most neutrals this time around, and William Kill have given them mouth-watering odds of 8-1.

    If Vamps aren’t your thing, then maybe you want to put your money on someone with large pendulous breasts… but enough about coach Dreamy, let's focus on his Amazon team instead. Jabba’s Dancing Girls are not the type of girls to be easily swept off their feet, and they have a pedigree in this competition. Kill give them odds of 9-1.

    You could do a lot worse than get behind the Altdwarf Plumber’s Union, a Skaven team coached by the infamous Barmution who appears to be in the grip of a mid-life crisis. Known as a Nurgle coach, Barmution has a sweet, sensitive side too, which can only be showcased if he coaches a team of furry animals with armour as thick as the walls of my shed. They’re at 9-1.

    Finally we’re going to focus on some newcomers, the Goat Ravishers coached by Worker’s Central Committee as he makes his Crunch Cup debut. They block, they stamp, they block, they block, they stamp, and when there’s nothing left to block or stamp, they go home in the huff. Being an unknown quantity they get odds of 11-1, and must be worth a punt.

    THE RUMOURS

    Eyebrows have been raised by the fact several coaches will be missing from the Crunch Cup this time around. Upon winning Crunch Cup VII with Har Ganethornication, coach Bintz caused shockwaves when he announced the Dark Elves were no longer going to compete, and while their victory party went on for three days, this was eclipsed by the celebrations of rival coaches who realized they’d no longer have to beat him. That party lasted two and a half weeks.

    However aside from coach Bintz this Crunch Cup will also be missing former champions including former winners Danton, Maxcarrion and Narly Bird, plus Crunch Cup staples John McGuirk, Etheric and Sir Rusty of Kakka, which begs the question - what happened to these guys?

    In the case of Mr McGuirk, the reason is simple. He took his team theme seriously and in the end, all that crack cocaine and crystal meth took a brutal toll on him, which is strange, because I’ve been using for seven years and ut habbny bug iffikt natal…

    Sniff!
    …that’s better!

    It is interesting that we have had all these disappearances at exactly the same time BJJ Hero returned with his latest franchise Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy. Rumours abound that the pimp gangster in chief has been sending his ‘girls’ round to the homes of coaches who were expected to do well and distracting them so they miss the entry date. To date none of the coaches affected have complained publicly about these rather underhand tactics, but this may be because the girls are very good at their jobs. Of course, this wasn’t the reason for Sir Rusty of Kakka’s absence. For that, I blame Pottsy’s Men In Drag.

    A spokesman for Pimpin’ ain’t easy, a mister 2 $hort released the following statement when I confronted him with the allegation…

    “Haters be hating. Players be playin’. Break yo’ self fool.”

    I hope that clears everything up.

    These rumours can of course be silenced at any time by a cash-filled envelope sent to the ruins of Crunch Towers, at the usual address.

    That concludes the William Kill-sponsored preview of Crunch Cup VIII. I’ve been Headcut Gonzalez, and hope I will be for a long time in the future. Goodnight out there, whatever you are!

    Headcut Gonzalez
     
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2012
  4. John McGuirk

    John McGuirk Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,697
    Country Flag:
    Standings

    Group 1
    Code:
    [b][u]Team                      W D L   F  A  Di   Pts[/u][/b]
    Badfellas II              0 0 0   0  0  0    0
    Crunch Cup Elite          0 0 0   0  0  0    0
    DRAWF!                    0 0 0   0  0  0    0
    Niffe Naffe Nurgle        0 0 0   0  0  0    0
    ------------------------------------------------
    Norsca Viking Liners      0 0 0   0  0  0    0
    Rams                      0 0 0   0  0  0    0
    Group 2
    Code:
    [b][u]Team                      W D L   F  A  Di   Pts[/u][/b]
    Altdwarf Plumber's Union  0 0 0   0  0  0    0
    Dance Dance Revolution X  0 0 0   0  0  0    0
    Goat Ravishers            0 0 0   0  0  0    0
    Harliquins                0 0 0   0  0  0    0
    ------------------------------------------------
    Jabba's Dancing Girls     0 0 0   0  0  0    0
    Ravenous Rush             0 0 0   0  0  0    0
    Group 3
    Code:
    [b][u]Team                      W D L   F  A  Di   Pts[/u][/b]
    Big Disgusting Children   0 0 0   0  0  0    0
    Ghosts of Grace           0 0 0   0  0  0    0
    Pimpin aint easy          0 0 0   0  0  0    0
    Spider Queen's Sacrafice  0 0 0   0  0  0    0
    ------------------------------------------------
    Standard Deviations       0 0 0   0  0  0    0
    The Speedo Kings          0 0 0   0  0  0    0
    Group 4
    Code:
    [b][u]Team                      W D L   F  A  Di   Pts[/u][/b]
    Bone Headed Guys          0 0 0   0  0  0    0
    Devious Darkblades        0 0 0   0  0  0    0
    Men in Drag               0 0 0   0  0  0    0
    Sigurd and the Hammerers  0 0 0   0  0  0    0
    ------------------------------------------------
    TV Chief Chefs            0 0 0   0  0  0    0
    Undead Weight             0 0 0   0  0  0    0
    Matchday 1

    Group 1
    (Lebe666; Necromantic) Crunch Cup Elite vs DRAWF! (Flanks; Dwarf)
    (Alouatta; Norse) Norsca Viking Liners vs Rams (Vusfnuv; Chaos)
    (Netsmurf; Nurgle) Niffe Naffe Nurgle vs Badfellas II (Barninho; Dark Elf)

    Group 2
    (Bolepolk; Vampire) Ravenous Rush vs Jabba's Dancing Girls (Dreamy; Amazon)
    (Avatar111x; Wood Elf) Dance Dance Revolution X vs Altdwarf Plumber's Union (Barmution; Skaven)
    (Workers Central Committee; Human) Goat Ravishers vs Harliquins (Altashheth; Elf)

    Group 3
    (Gallows Bait; Elf) Ghosts of Grace vs Big Disgusting Children (The Ghaz; Nurgle)
    (Tergara; Human) Standard Deviations vs Pimpin aint easy (bjj hero; Chaos)
    (Snottie1; Norse) The Speedo Kings vs Spider Queen's Sacrafice (RogueBanshee; Dark Elf)

    Group 4
    (Valokiloren; Halfling) TV Chief Chefs vs Men in Drag (Pottsy; Amazon)
    (jrpeart; Undead) Undead Weight vs Sigurd and the Hammerers (SorroW; Dwarf)
    (ill-Lich; Ogre) Bone Headed Guys vs Devious Darkblades (kvasilad; Dark Elf)

    Did You Know…

    That due to the Courier's current financial woes, part of the company's massive, recently-ordered fleet of FerraGinis has been impounded. Top reporter Gunnar Longtounge has been heard to lament that he now barely has one for each day in the week.
     
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2012
  5. John McGuirk

    John McGuirk Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,697
    Country Flag:
    Eulogy

    What a sad smouldering heap of rubble, that used to be the Crunch Tower, looking in the eye of Gunnar. How many a night have Gunnar not had slaves worrying for their life in the Tower, while they worked in a dim candle light to set the press with Gunnar’s legendary objective brilliance. A candle Gunnar might add, most generously sponsored through the pay-check of said slaves. Such a brilliant system, when slaves have to pay for light and food and shelter – gives them a chance to save money if not eating and finally they could be free. Hmm... mostly free of life that is, but then they will be raised and forced to work instead of just told to work.

    But Gunnar is drifting, it’s so easy to drift, when thinking of a single romantic moment and the wish of a desperate man to set a mood to woo a dame. Alas the desire for the flesh of the opposite sex has caused the Tower to incinerate, as wave after wave of flames rose from the depths of lust – lust from the best ever editor in the Courier’s time. An editor so gullible, kind and rich that Gunnar have to say, he was fit to be in Gunnar’s shadow.

    On behalf of all the reporters in the Courier, and personally from the heart of the esteemed thrice winner of best reporter during season VIII, this is Gunnar Longtounge saying, thou shall be missed Heinrich Jenkyns – oh... and buried once the renovation crew finds your corpse.

    Gunnar Longtongue - thrice awarded best reporter and thus most decorated reporter, on behalf of the rest of the staff, as Gunnar is large enough to include others in his orb of radiant genius!

    Did You Know…

    Former Bugman’s employees, now operating out of Moonlight Springs, are experimenting with something called the water of life. According to old brewing legends, it is said that a potent mixture of Dwarven spirits, having lain in specially-prepared casks for an epoch or two, have the potential to develop into a remarkable life-lengthening panacea. While the fabled recipes call for the spirits to lie for ‘many weeks’, experiments continue to fail after around five, with Orcish timekeepers regularly blamed for opening the casks too early.

    Contributors this week: Barninho, John McGuirk and Netsmurf.
     
  6. Lebe666

    Lebe666 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    4,198
    Location:
    Brasilia -3 GMT
    Country Flag:
    Thanks for a very positive 2-1 estimate on the chances of Crunch Cup Elite taking the Trophy ! A tad optimistic I'd say... especially after the first round and considering that I've little league experience. I'd be betting on some of the Div 3 or Div 4 guys that might manage a good TV growth before play-offs ! coachman specifically !

    Now this part made me laugh ! So mean of you guys... :D

     
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2012
  7. Barninho

    Barninho Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,909
    Country Flag:
    Heh. It was actually me who wrote that, and I should know, so I'll forgive myself.
     
  8. Lebe666

    Lebe666 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    4,198
    Location:
    Brasilia -3 GMT
    Country Flag:
    Haha ! I was imagining that was the case ! After that you certainly are deserving of being named in the CC Elite ! :D
     
  9. Valokiloren

    Valokiloren Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,212
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    Steam Username:
    ʋǟʟ
    Cyanide Username:
    Valokiloren
    Country Flag:
    I'm upset - we didn't even find out the odds of my team winning a game, let alone the competition. More odds, I say - MORE! In other words - the musings of Headcut Gonzales need to be given more attention and shown in more Couriers.

    Still, we're Druchii and undead light this season - with only 2 & 2 respectively, as well as only seeing 2 Nurgle teams. In fact, if you look at the team selections - we're bash-light and dodge-heavy this season, least compared to previous cups. Should be an interesting cup.
     
  10. Lebe666

    Lebe666 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    4,198
    Location:
    Brasilia -3 GMT
    Country Flag:
    Wanna change places and come to Division 1 ?! No lack of bash there... I might actually miss Bintz's Darkies ! :rolleyes:
     
  11. bintz

    bintz Active Member

    Messages:
    549
    Country Flag:
    Of course you'll miss me! :p
     
  12. Rusty

    Rusty Active Member

    Messages:
    1,156
    Location:
    Melbourne, Australia
    Country Flag:
    Ahh excellent, I'm really glad to see Barn's bookmaker again. The William Kill thing in issue #1 was one of the funniest/best things in the Courier so far imo.
     
  13. Mico Selva

    Mico Selva Active Member

    Messages:
    1,279
    Location:
    Outside Reality
    Country Flag:
    Nice intro to the new season. Looking forward to next issues of the Courier. :)
     
  14. G20

    G20 Member

    Messages:
    585
    Country Flag:
    I <3 ccc!!!!
     
  15. coachman

    coachman Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    2,568
    Cyanide Username:
    bjj hero
    Country Flag:
    Its a brave pimp who puts his money on a rookie chaos side.

    With pimps handlin dare biniss anything can happen. Just need to put tha hos out thar an get that money.

    Game recognises gam playa. Believe dat!
     
  16. Nikolai II

    Nikolai II Super Moderator Moderator

    Messages:
    12,210
    Steam Username:
    Dreamy
    Cyanide Username:
    Dreamy
    Country Flag:
    If one would have put money down on the Rams-Dancing Girls game based upon those odds, one could have made (or lost) a good deal of money. :p
     
  17. Lebe666

    Lebe666 Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    4,198
    Location:
    Brasilia -3 GMT
    Country Flag:
    Putting this Courier up !

    Nice to check the odds that were given ! jrpeart wasn't even mentioned. Dreamy's girls had bad odds at 9/1... they were a sliver away from getting to the finals !
     
  18. jrpeart

    jrpeart Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    2,416
    Location:
    Northumberland, UK
    Steam Username:
    jrpeart
    Cyanide Username:
    jrpeart
    Country Flag:
    I wouldn't have mentioned me as a potential winner either though :). And ill-Lich wasn't mentioned either so that's both semi finalists in my half that were totally unexpected :cool:.