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Crunch Cup Courier #51

Discussion in 'Crunch Cup Courier' started by John McGuirk, Oct 23, 2012.

  1. John McGuirk

    John McGuirk Well-Known Member

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    Only two gold pieces!

    Salutations, old boots!

    The lock-in has met its terminus, I’m pipped to report. All good things must c. t. a. e., as it goes, and this one came to an end when the door was squeaked timidly ajar, just as I stirred from my quarter-to nap.

    The timid squeaker in q. was revealed to be a rather charming young mop in a soot-blackened pinafore.

    ‘‘I- I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I didn’t think anyone was in here. I can come back -’

    ‘Nonsense, come in!’, I chirped, clambering upright.

    I jiggled the jar on my desk. ‘Join me for a snifter, what?’

    Widening eyes fixed ‘pon the life-giving fluid as I decanted two beakerfuls into two beakers. The face to which these eyes belonged, already white enough to peeve the driven snow with envy, now blanched a shade I can only describe as translucent.

    ‘But that - that’ s bleach!’, she exclaimed.

    ‘It is, rather,’ I said apologetically. ‘More of a beer Dwarf myself, don’t you know. Still, any port in a storm, eh? Oh, I say! Port in a storm! That’s a good one!’

    ‘N-no, I mean, that’s actually cleaning bleach - ’

    ‘Ha, ha! Quite the card, aren’t you! We absolutely must be acquainted.’

    The girl’s name was Verboten, a Ms. Gretchen Verboten, and she was the Courier’s long-serving ombudswoman of domestic purity and light. Viz., the maid. I won’t deny it, readers: in a bosomly fashion, I was drawn to this polite and half-smiling young foal. If there was one untuned string on the banjo, it was her pallor; she had a brittle sort of constitution, it struck me, and would undoubtedly profit from a good dozen platefuls of steamed eggs and ham. Ever the gracious and debonair host, I made ready with the hospitality.

    ‘Would you care for a snake?’, I asked her.

    ‘P… pardon?’, she replied.

    I sought to make clear. ‘A snake, dear cucumber. Hissing string. It’s all I’ve been eating for days. Dashed kind of those cads to put them in through the ceiling, what! I wasn’t able to do much with them - Grimgridge’s the one with the culinary portion of our mutual mind - but I’ve found they’re not so bad au naturel. I say, are you all right?’

    Her whiteness was gone, replaced by a distinctly viridian tincture. I reflected that waving a wriggling handful of variously chewed-upon reptiles beneath that genteel nose may not actually have qualified as gracious and debonair. I returned the writhing mass to my desk drawer.

    My visitor seemed poised to pass out, throw up or flee outright. Possibly all three at once. As far as first impressions go, the thing was right up there with upset gravy boats and fine cotton smocks. But a Gendelsson is equipped with the resources to rally the tide of such an upset.

    ‘I know! I expect you’re just dying to hear me continue the tale of my trek to the top of the Courier bean pole, what?’

    ‘Con.. continue?’

    ‘Gladly! You’ve read the first fragment in last week’s paper, of course?’

    ‘I.. wha- ’

    ‘Splendid. So. Where was I? Ah yes! The journey.

    ‘We slogged on for many, many days. The road was long, hard, and fraught I imagine with unimaginable danger. We camped beneath the stars, Grimgridge handling the tents, stoking the fire, fetching the water and tending to our victuals, while I guarded our collection of popular literature and made sure none of the pages got dirty.

    ‘Indeed, Grimgridge proved a faithfuller servant than I’d ever known. Many was the night I’d awaken to find him in my tent, weapon drawn: unyielding sentinel ‘gainst the night. And he looked so deflated whenever he woke me, the poor pike. That was hardly his fault.

    ‘For a month we rattled through unchanging wilderness, before stumbling into what seemed at first to be a canyon. But it was too perfectly round - and much too wide - to be any kind of natural chasm.

    ‘We were at the mouth of a crater, a mile across or more: an almighty puncturing of the earth. Peering into the depths of the fissure, I saw the strangest building I’ve ever swivelled two peepers upon. And I’ve seen buildings which are actual mountains.’

    ‘The remains of the Blightanic?’, a timid voice enquired.

    I swivelled open a peeper.

    ‘Ah, you’re still… you’re here. Right. Yes, it was the Blightanic. Or! What was left of it.

    ‘I’m given to understand the whole k. and cabood. was once some manner of sky-faring craft. This was certainly shaped to measure that bill. Only the wrong way round! It loomed tall, and free-standing, like an up-ended banana. Perpendicular, what?

    ‘Tilting my head, I made out an inscription:

    HTANIC –

    UTIONARY INDUSTRIES. NOW WE’VE INCARCERATED OUR STAFF IN
    HABLE! FINALLY A COURIER YOU CAN TRUST-TRUST!


    ‘Curious, no? I’ve never even heard of this Hable place.

    ‘Not that the thing hung entirely together, you understand. Chunks of stray masonry littered the scene. An enormous, deflated balloon was attached to the edifice by slackening cables, wallowing idly in the breeze. Tiny figures seemed to be coming and going through an enormous hole in the hull.’

    ‘I’m… excuse me, sir,’ came the voice again.

    ‘Hm? Go on.’

    ‘I’m not sure why you’d need to describe the building we’re sitting in.’

    ‘Er… hm. Noted, what.

    'Well, I’d hardly had the chance for awe-strickery, anyway, when we were accosted! Barrelling out from a cluster of houses inexplicably perched on the crater’s brow, a stream of Skaven scrambled with preternatural grace down the craggy rocks toward us, unquestionable menace in their whiskery features.

    ‘I couldn’t help but notice a distinct deficit of weapons-bared, sentinel-like behaviour from Grimgridge in this inst. - but that was because my steward had vanished into thin a.

    ‘They’d have been on me in seconds, were it not for the boom of what I was sure was a cannon. The incredible sound swelled over us, reverberating about the amphitheatre, thunderous, rich and deep.

    ‘The rats scattered like, well, you know. I thought I was out of the stew, only to turn and see a gaggle of mean-looking mooks. Decked out in flashy red jackets and armed with gargantuan blunderbi, they looked a bad patch of business.

    “Well now,” said the one in front, sizing me up (needlessly; minus the stove-pipe, he was the same height as I). “What have we ‘ere? An honist-to-goodness upstandin’ Gennuldwarf!

    “We’ll have fun with this’n,” he remarked to his snickering band.

    ‘I tell you this, Ms. Verboten: I thought I knew beastliness. You should see Father on one of his many bad days. Or our housekeeper, Mrs. Combly-Vench, when I mispronounced her name just once.

    ‘But these oiks? The very last word in beastliness, right down to their tattooed toenails. They are the absolute living end.

    ‘Putting a brave f. on the thing, I make my introduction. “What ho, there!”, I say. “The name’s Alfrik Gendelsson, I’m looking for a place called the Crunch Cup Courier. Whom might you chaps be?”

    ‘Their top man - Asbo by name - doesn’t even look up from admiring his crimson threads.

    “We’re the Deff Skwad!”, he says.

    “Oh, I’m sorry,” I reply. “I SAID MY NAME’S ALFRIK GENDELSSON. I’M LOOKING - ”

    “Wh - not the Deff Skwad, you idiot, the Deff Skwad! Deff!”

    “I see,” I said, not seeing at all.

    “No one disses our name! Fuck ‘im up, lads!”

    I was trying to make the foetal position look intimidating, when I heard someone shout:

    “Not so fast! This one’s with me, Asbo.”

    ‘I looked up to see a pale, painfully-thin rake buzzing over at top knots. He looked like he could put a whole farm of steamed eggs and h. to good use.

    ‘“Dis gonna cost you, Sadsack,” growled Asbo. And then, - I say, do you credit it, Ms. Verboten? The rake had turned back the oiks! I was saved!’

    I was somewhat suspicious that, far from sitting enrapt, my guest had begun to steal a march on her eight hours’. She stirred gamely, though, and I was about to move on to our descent and triumphal arrival at Courier HQ. Perhaps even address the somewhat sore topic of Grimgridge’s mysterious rematerialisation, which continued to baffle me to this d. But I was interrupted by the voice of the self-same servant from the corridor without.

    ‘Help!’, we heard him shout. ‘Somebody, come quickly! I’ve just discovered the master - dead, I fear! Why, he appears to have ingested a fatal amount of domestic bleach and/or snake venom!’

    The door then opened, and a smiling Grimgridge strode breezily into the room, only to freeze instantaneously. His expression became stonier than a golem’s. A dead one.

    ‘Ah, Grimgridge,’ I said. ‘What’s all this rot about venom? Never mind; your timing’s unimpeachable, old boy. I’ve just remembered that I want to see von Mittenwagen. I’ve a little reward for his recent heroics. Give him a bellow, will you?

    ‘Oh, and Ms. Verboten here has a craving for steamed eggs and ham. See that you whip her some up, what?’

    ‘Wh - I didn’t - ’

    I gave her a knowing wink.

    ‘The biggest plate you can find, eh, Grimgridge?’

    For a moment nothing stirred on the goodly Dwarf’s igneous facade. Then, from the eyebrows down, the ign. fac. began slowly to vellicate with life anew.

    ‘At once, sir,’ he said.

    ‘Oh, and Grimgridge?’

    He froze once again at the threshold.

    ‘I’ve never known you to own a red jacket, old putsch.’

    ‘No, sir. I am wearing my standard dress. However, the garment you mention appears to have become reversed at.. at some point, exposing the carmine interior.’

    ‘Some kind of funny new fashion, I’ll bet. Is this what the phrase ‘turn-coat’ refers to? Are you a turn-coat, old mope?’

    ‘I should hesitate to welcome the description, sir.’

    I considered this.

    ‘Well, I can’t think why. That’ll be all, Grimgridge.’

    ‘Very good, sir.’

    Alfrik Gendelsson
     
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2012
  2. John McGuirk

    John McGuirk Well-Known Member

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    Match Day 2

    Featured Report: (Etheric; Elf) The Elf Street Band 5-1 Men in Drag (Pottsy; Amazon)

    ‘But mister Pfennig-Pincher, sir, I’m really not sure about this!’

    ‘Nonsense, Gretchen. Just write down everything that happens. Now, I have to get back to the office. Sasha might come for me at any moment. Have a nice time!’

    And off he went, leaving me at the turnstiles with the strongest urge simply to turn and run. I do not belong here. Your beloved reporters, they’re supposed to do the writing. My job is cleaning!

    I am four-foot-eight and extremely shy. Mister van der Groß once said I was ‘a classic wall-flower, if flowers were uglier’. I’m also a diagnosed agoraphobic. There are, I’m told, 25,000 people here. I have real concerns I might die.

    But mister Pfennig-Pincher has it in his head that mister von Mittenwagen is going to invite him to some prestigious event. Somehow, he talked me into covering the game he was supposed to watch. Well, I’m going inside now. I pray my report won’t disappoint you too much.

    First through tenth impressions: the smell! I’ve cleaned out the ‘Penthouse’, but this is somehow worse! Like a cross between spoiled mutton and bad eggs, and a wet mister Word-Knower, times nine million. And the noise! Overwhelming - and we’re not even started yet..

    Oh dear. Now it has started, and everything’s moving so fast I can’t write it all down. I can see some tall gentlemen - how graceful they are! Can they really be Elves? And these Amazons! They dress like women, but I know their type. Papa brought one home once, and Mama spent the whole weekend beating the Sin out of him. And me, “just in case Sin was catching”.

    Oh dear. Why do they keep hitting each other? It’s so painful to watch, three poor souls are off the pitch already. The Elves have even knocked the lady with the ball over! It’s picked up again, but then someone drops it, and an Elf named… Aeraeme… runs away in the other direction and goodness me what an uproar! What happened? It’s 1-0? What does that mean?

    Oh dear. I didn’t think it could get any noisier. Oh.. they’re lining up again. Somebody kicks it, and the Amazons knock one of the Elves over. Shallya help him! There’s blood everywhere! Will he be all right?

    The Amazons have the ball. They run forward, then back, then forward again. Is there a point to all this..? Oh! They’ve thrown it. Are they going to.. I think ‘her’ name’s Ricky.. she seems to have found a way through. It’s.. it’s happening again! My ears! 1-1!

    Now the Elves have the ball. Some of them run through the middle. So fast! The Amazons can’t keep up. There it goes! Feltanmae, is it? He catches it - sprints away! 2-1!

    They’re going off the pitch. Is it over? Thank goodness! It’s so humid, and noisy, and nobody’s wearing enough clothes and I’m starting to see spots. I’m just so happy I can go -

    Wh… they’re coming back out! What’s going on?

    Another half? What’s a half? Please.. why.. dizzy..

    No, Gretchen. Focus! The Elves get the ball again. They do the same as last time, the four fast Elves go through the middle. The Amazons seem to have cottoned on, but trying to run faster only sees one of them slip. In the end it’s Tinuren who gets the pass. Where’s he going? Does anyone know? Oh… it’s 3-1!

    Every time someone scores, the volume gets louder and stays there. The crowd are like beasts! The fellow in front of me is seven feet tall, nearly as wide, and has just removed his shirt. I really don’t feel so well…

    Now it’s the Amazons’ turn again. They keep trying to throw the ball like the Elves, but it strikes me they aren’t quite as good at it. The pass ends up on the ground, and before you know it a speedy Elf has snatched it up and run away. More horrid blood. It only seems to excite the crowd… so hot. Aeratathryl takes a short catch. The Amazons chase, hairy-handed blurs… everything blurry… 4-1!

    Can’t keep my.. need to breathe.. oh dear! Oh dear oh dear oh dear

    Oh, that’s done it. I’ve been sick all down the back of the seven foot gentleman!

    He spins around, purple-faced (purple-everythinged, it distresses me to observe) and proceeds to lash out… at the man stood directly behind me. Meanwhile, he manages to smear the people in front of him with my - with fluid. Shallya, spare me! Fights are breaking out everywhere! Wh - they’re going onto the pitch! Somebody, stop them!

    That can’t be allowed, surely! All those Amazons flattened, and all because I - because of crowd interference. In the meantime, the Elves just saunter along and snatch the ball. It’s too easy against five players. And Augglinarin seems to be clear for.. yes.. 5-1.

    Most fans don’t bother coming back to their seats, what with the riots erupting all over the stadium. I don’t have much use for mine, either: I’m already back out the gates. I need a long bath. Maybe even a brandy. Brandy is Sinful, but if I have to confess to it ten times it will still be the least of today’s ordeals.

    Gretchen Verboten
     
  3. John McGuirk

    John McGuirk Well-Known Member

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    Division 1

    Our firth game thith week theeth Commedia dell'Arte play a DRAWF! thide that lookth like it hath found and drunk the potht match beer, along with the pre match beer, before the match. The fact that thith wath Bugmanth new experimental thixteen X meanth that the DRAWF! playerth can barely thtand up let alone play Blood Bowl. The Commedia take full advantage putting 4 patht them.

    Luke: Don't forget the damage caused to the team either, with a Blocker being killed by an Elf and the Blitzer dying of alcohol poisoning while the apothecary was trying to fix up his hip and gave him medicinal brandy to numb the pain.

    Igor: The next game theeth the Blonde Bombers kicking off to the Red Dwarfers and then dithrupt the traditional caging grind which rethultth in a brawl for the ball which changed handth multiple timeth. Becauthe of the clothe quarterth fighting though the Bomberth thuffer a load of attrition allowing the Dwarferth to finally reclaim it and walk it in to end the half.

    Luke: In the second half the Bombers are able to keep clear of the Dwarfers for a while before finally being forced to score. This leaves the Dwarfers too much to do in too little time and the game ends in a draw.

    Igor: Our next match theeth the Goat Ravishers and Mad Missionary Mob in an all Human clash. The Mob thtart with the ball and drive downfield to open the thcoring dethpite thome thtrong Ravisherth prethure.

    Luke: The problem with that is that they left the Ravishers enough time to return the favour with a quick almost elf-like passing play to end the half. The second half sees the Mob get the ball loose three times during the Ravishers’ drive but each time they were able to recover eventually scoring the winner right at the death.

    Igor: The thinthter Dark Elveth of Deviouth Darkblades thplit the thpoilth with Pimpin aint easy, both teamth picking up their firtht pointh of the theathon.

    Luke: Both coaches had their share of adversity to overcome, with the Druchii losing a player early to a smashed hand and the Chaos Minotaur, Pimp Lucius, spending much of the game in a huff. Despite this their teams fought ferociously, each grabbing a brace of touch downs to see the game end 2-2.

    Igor: And now for Undead Weight taking on High on the Supply with the Thupply retheiving firtht and after eathily moving the ball patht the Weightth leth mobile line were then forthed to thcore when the thcarily thtrong and fatht Mummy wath able to catch up and apply thome theriouth prethure.

    Luke: Yeah, I wouldn't hang around if that bugger was closing in on me either. The Weights then had just enough time to equalise before half time. When the normally reliable Weights Ghoul fumbles the ball early in the second half it opens the door for the Supply to swarm the Weights backfield and then use their natural annoying slipperyness to keep the ball well marked, eventually catching the ball as it bounced around enabling them to take the lead again.

    Igor: The Weightth only hope wath to repeat their thaving drive of the firtht half. And after thome cunning play by the Weightth, uthing their opponentth bodieth to push the Ghoul with the ball clear of hith marker, he thtarted thelebrating before actually crothing the line, only to trip and fatheplant in the endzone depothiting the ball into the crowd. From the rethulting throw in the Weightth had time for one latht effort to equalithe and ran a Zombie into the endzone before a Ghoul thnagged the ball from under an Elfth nothe and fluffing the path thuth lothing the game.

    Luke the last match sees my favorite team this season Sesame Creeps away to the Yellow Army. The Army start with the ball and manage to steadily advance the ball at the cost of steadily losing players from the pitch. right at the end of the half it looks like the Creeps might have done enough to hold the Army out only for a last gasp bit of ball play to see the Army take the lead.

    Igor: That wath good play by the Army there to finish the move off and the half time break obviouthly did them the world of good ath they were back to full thtrenghth for the thecond half. When the Creepth formed a tight cage juthtr on the half way line the Army coach showed how Yellow the team are by giving a thignal into the thtandth, leading to a thpectator firing what I can only athume wath a vial of Luthtrian fire, directly onto the team captain and ball carrier. Tho virulent wath the fire that not much wath left of hith burned carcath and one of hith colleagueth wath blown from hith feet.

    Luke: The cowardly Army then thwarm over the shocked Creeps. For a short while things looked dicey but then the heroic Creeps’ Werewolves step up and make a break with the ball, surviving the defensive chase to score the equaliser at the end of the game.

    Igor and Luke Enthrop

    (willpower68; Amazon) Yellow Army 1-1 Sesame Creeps (Ging; Necromantic)
    (SorroW; Elf) Commedia dell'Arte 4-0 DRAWF! (Flanks; Dwarf)
    (kvasilad; Dark Elf) Devious Darkblades 2-2 Pimpin aint easy (bjj hero; Chaos)
    (Workers Central Committee; Human) Goat Ravishers 2-1 Mad Missionary Mob (danton; Human)
    (Dreamy; Wood Elf) Blonder Bombers 1-1 Red Dwarfers (Rburton; Dwarf)
    (jrpeart; Undead) Undead Weight 1-2 High on the Supply (John McGuirk; High Elf)
     
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2012
  4. John McGuirk

    John McGuirk Well-Known Member

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    Division 2

    Welcome back, cherished readers!

    What a week it has been! Our new editor truly is a gentleman and a scholar. He seems to be brimming with enthusiasm for both the Courier and us, his lowly employees. I wish him a long and successful career here, let's hope he beats the odds. His manservant isn't your typical snobby fellow either, I just watched him on his way downstairs with a lead pipe, probably going to lend a hand with some sort of plumbing. Oh well, I bet you are dying, hopefully not in a literal sense, to know the recent happenings in division two so let's just jump right in, shall we?

    Dying in a definitely literal sense this week was the lovable test rodents of UEI-Experiment CIX alpha who were unfortunate enough to host an Extreme Living who cannot be said to be anything but on top form. The time spent on the field was closer to a massacre than a match and the 0-3 result in favor of the Necromantic side left a lasting scar on the Experiment, killing two Linerats, concussing a third, managing to snap the collar bone of a very promising fourth Linerat and breaking the neck of the team's lone Gutter Runner. At this point one can only hope that it's not too late for the poor pests to bounce back.

    A massacre of another type could be witnessed in this week’s featured match were the Elf Street Band who took home a massive 5-1 victory over the Men In Drag. I highly recommend reading the piece on it!

    Elves seem to be the race to beat in division 2 as the... sigh... ASS FAMILY won a comfortable 2-0 victory over the Nurglites constituting A Plague Upon Your House. Rumors abound that Nurgle coach Crimsonsun was so dismayed with his team's performance that he sought out our freshly recruited, resident tactical genius, Mr. Renko Fedorenko, for advice against future Elven opponents.

    Dark Elves, however, seem to not fare as well as their more regular cousins. The Druchii team Depraved reduced their sacrificial ambitions from virgins to goats in their second match. The Reservoir Goats quite violently resisted this notion, though, and after suffering some early attrition, the Dark Elves had to settle for a 1-2 result and only a temporarily dead goat to show for their valiant efforts. Obviously coach Barninho's tort... eh, insistent pep talk got some sense into his apothecary after last week's scandalous failings.

    The third one-sided affair of this week was the Wood Elves of the Forests of Alduin versus Human side Real Madread. The only part of the Elves’ game that was even remotely off was their blocking and even so they still were ahead of their opponents. The Humans were largely denied access to blocking the agile forest dwellers and the resulting scoreline of 3-0 must have been a frustrating trial for coach Mercy Flush.

    The final match played was a much closer affair. Those Fancy Pants hosted the dreaded Norsca Viking Liners and gave the Liners a solid physical trouncing, often outnumbering their opponents with as much as three to four players. This was, however, not enough to stem the drunken tide and at one point the Pants found themselves actually helping the Norse to score by giving super star Egill the Mad Svensson a push in the right direction. Such generosity is hardly an everyday occurrence in Blood Bowl and I'm sure 'Courduroy' Cristophe was properly congratulated in the locker rooms after the match ended 1-2 in favor of the Liners.

    Geraldo de Fleur

    (Boffasmurf; Dark Elf) Depraved 1-2 Reservoir Goats (Barninho; Chaos)
    (Gallows Bait; Skaven) UEI-Experiment CIX alpha 0-3 Xtreme Living (Netmsurf; Necromantic)
    (JimmyC; Wood Elf) Forests of Alduin 3-0 Real Madread (Mercy Flush; Human)
    (Etheric; Elf) The Elf Street Band 5-1 Men in Drag (Pottsy; Amazon)
    (Panda with issues; Human) Those Fancy Pants 1-2 Norsca Vikiing Liners (Alouatta; Norse)
    (crimsonsun; Nurgle) A Plague Upon Your House 0-2 The ASS FAMILY (Lebe666; Elf)
     
  5. John McGuirk

    John McGuirk Well-Known Member

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    Division 3

    In Division 3 on Match Day 2, we are now starting to see the agile Elves head into an early lead, with the sides taking up the divisions’ top two positions, leaving the stronger teams are at the tail end of the group table. Whether or not the Elves will be able to maintain the position over the duration of the cup will be the true test, injuries will start to build up possibly inflicting their tolls, yet only time can provide the answers.

    Match 1 saw Kroxford and the Theasauri take on the Farting gamblers, in a classic duel of brawn against wit. The Lizardmen used there superior strength to game a constant player advantage allowing them to see a greater amount of the ball than the flatulent rats, yet the Skaven utilised their speed twice during the match, knocking the ball free and sprinting into the end zone to take the lead twice during the match, leaving the Lizards constantly on the back claw yet they managed twice to equalise before the game’s time ran out.

    Wood Elf side the Crunchables took an early lead in their match day two encounter, yet this was the only time the game looked favourable for them. Druchii side Jorxian Thunder forced the tree-hugging Asrai out of the match gaining a convincing 3-1 victory.

    The next match was a reversal of match 2 with Druchii House of Amber taking on Wood Elven team The Lightspeed Freaks. The Freaks steal the ball from the Dark Elf drive scoring quickly, taking the lead. The Dark Elves were unable to keep up with the Freaks and despite scoring in response they were unable to defend the Wood Elf drive leaving the final score 2-1 in the Freaks’ favour.

    High Elven side Too Posh Too Push gain the division’s top spot with a measured win over the Asthetics of Hate. Obviously worried about dirtying their flamboyant frocks they conceded the vast majority of possession to their hated kin, yet the small amount of possession they had provided a dazzling display of Elven grace and gave them a 2-0 lead, leaving the division’s last Druchii team with only time for a late consolation touch down as well as maiming a several of their hated foe.

    The penultimate fixture saw Elven Mafia gain their first points of the Cup against Norse side The Broken Necks, a hard fought and brutal 2-1 victory that may cost them in the future games to come, as they will go into the next match day missing more than player.

    The last match was a comfortable victory for the returning Necromantic side Dakamancers VI going up against the table’s most unlikely candidates the Great Gaujin Smashers, no surprise to be had here with the Undead smashing their way though the Goblins, the result ended 2-0 in their favour but the team’s coach will be cursing placing Golem Bitz n Bobz hands on back to front in what was obviously a rushed construction when the Golem dropped the ball in the goblin end zone at the game’s finish.

    Vic ‘Vicious’ Petrescu

    (Mortlock; Elf) Elf Mafia 2-1 The Broken Necks (Kjelstad; Norse)
    (TYS123; High Elf) Too Posh To Push 2-1 Asthetics of Hate (Hawca; Dark Elf)
    (Barristan the Bold; Dark Elf) House of Amber 1-2 Lightspeed Freaks (Viajero; Wood Elf)
    (Barmution; Lizardman) Kroxford and thesaurii 2-2 The Farting Gamblers (Lord Thorlacius; Skaven)
    (Blacksierra; Wood Elf) [SvS] Crunchables 1-3 Jorxan Thunder (Joe Staniforth; Dark Elf)
    (DakaMan; Necromantic) DakaManceer VI 2-0 Great Gaijin Smashers (DANINJAPAN; Goblin)
     
  6. John McGuirk

    John McGuirk Well-Known Member

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    Division 4

    Welcome back to Division 4 Crunch Cup action! Lets get right to the games.

    Orphans Tears show their grit, drawing 2-2 with the speedy Ra Ra Ra's. After an early shank-job on the field by Flynn Rider, the blade went silent and the Ra Ra Ra's got down to business posting up two scores and leaving the Tears falling going into the second half. But a responding score by the Orphans brought the game within one, and a defensive stop posted up the second score on the loose ball, making this much more of a nail-biter. The Ra Ra Ra's played well in the first half, but faded down the stretch as Orphans Tears picked up their pace to tie.

    The Phatsharks slap a ruler on the Hands of Doom in a 2-0 win. The Phatsharks received and came under early pressure from the blitz but they never lost their cool, orchestrating an accomplished running play in which the ball never looked under threat, scoring at the very end of the half. The Hands Of Doom made a short pass on the return to a Wight on the Line of Scrimmage but couldn’t protect him properly and the Sharks jumped on him to turn the ball over and despite fearsome pressure they managed to run the ball in for the second score. The Phatsharks are looking like the team to beat in division four, with two early wins they are at the top of their division. The Hands of Doom slip another game down the ladder and are still looking for their first points of the season going into the next week.

    Lizard Wizards come even with I Go Down Easy 2-2 in a down-to-the-wire seesaw match. Ball-handling errors by I Go Down Easy brought a defensive Skink score from the Wizards. After some settling and a sideline to sideline switch, Lindsay Lohan caught an open field pass to post up her third score of the season. 1-1 going into the half. The second half started with the Lizard Wizards showing similar ball handling issues, but were able to protect from a Wood Elf steal and trundle down the field to score late in the half. Wardancer Tulisa wouldn't be denied however, making a tremendous leap over her Lizard Wizard captives to receive the games final score on a half-pitch pass for the tie in an exciting finish!

    The Castlevania Corpse Carts bring the exterminators to the pitch in a 2-1 loss to the BarrowRun Blightstalkers. After being dragged down by Gutter Runners and losing a Werewolf the Corpses Carts started piling on the pain, sending most of the Blightstalkers players to the sidelines. Despite the 'un-man' advantage, the Blightstalkers were still able to keep focused on the ball and put a score on the board to be up one in the first half. The second half saw a bleacher-clearing riot on behalf of the Blightstalkers, stomping on all but two of the Castlevania Corpse Carts, which opened the door for a quick score; but with injuries continuing to mount up, the Blightstalkers were not able to keep the Corpse Carts from answering back late in the second. The Blightstalkers stall out at the end with only four players left on the field to seal the win in a crippling match.

    The Ladies of Danger also tie 1-1 with The Missfits in a close battle. Kick-off to the Ladies, but an overzealous Treeman sends one of the Missfits to the injured reserves while simultaneously knocking himself over in the process. Still, the main ball-handler Nicole Kidman sees Milla Jovovich (war)dance her way to the goal line and tries to make the open pass but fumbles the delivery. The Missfits pounce on the opportunity with Miss Educated recovering and sprinting down the field for the score late in the first. The Ladies get another shot at the endzone but leave Kidman exposed to an open-field tackle and cannot recover. The Missfits are unable to capitalize on the looseball, 'Miss'-handling a pass that could have led to the end zone.
    The second half begins with the Missfits securing their own thrower behind a wall of Amazons, but as Miss Enfolg sprints for the goal line the overwhelming pace of the Wood Elves begins to show and a furious battle ensues in the Ladies half. After numerous passes in traffic and a reversal of fortune for the Ladies of Danger gets stuffed, the Wood Elves are finally able to secure the ball and send a pass back to Nicole Kidman, who sprints away from the pack for the equalizer at the ref’s whistle.

    Crunch Cup Widowmakers vs. The Dumbest Fellas 1-1 tie. Tie is a relative term here, as neither team even made it to the pitch this week. The Dumbest Fellas have had problems with transportation and after their usual carriage driver went on strike they have had to ride their own horses to the game. Sadly, Ogres taking directions from Snotlings usually results in comedy, and true to their name, the team was unable to muster the intelligence to find the field. Too bad as well since the Widowmakers got bogged down outside the stands signing fan autographs. Unfortunately one unlucky fan got a paper-cut and the brain-starved Zombies of the Widowmakers shambled into a frenzy that was unable to be contained. The referees finally restored order after two deaths and a trampling. Crunch Cup Commissioner Aide Ungleblatt Forcemeat had this to say: 'While the situation that resulted is regrettable, only deaths that happen inside the stadium are covered under our 'man-price' clause. We have taken the proper precautions with the bodies to ensure they won't return as shambling brain-hungry Zombies. Our commiserations to the families.' Unable to come to a consensus, the referees settled on a 1-1 tie for the match.

    Emory A. Cann

    Division 4
    (Abraxis Annihilators; Necromantic) The Crunch Cup Widowmakers 1a1 Dumbest Fellas (Torque; Ogre)
    (staticelf; Necromantic) Castlevania Corpse Carts! 1-2 BarrowRun Blightstalkers (Fallowheart; Skaven)
    (Snottie1; High Elf) The Ra Ra Ra's 2-2 Orphans Tear (Altashheth; Dark Elf)
    (pdarby; Wood Elf) ladies of danger 1-1 The MissFits (PapaRattzi; Amazon)
    (20phoenix; Wood Elf) I Go Down Easy 2-2 The Lizard Wizards (keechmj; Lizardman)
    (Michaels; Undead) The Hands of Doom 0-2 PhatSharks (FastShark; Dark Elf)
     
  7. John McGuirk

    John McGuirk Well-Known Member

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    Standings

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    Match Day 3

    Division 1
    (Ging; Necromantic) Sesame Creeps vs DRAWF! (Flanks; Dwarf)
    (bjj hero; Chaos) Pimpin aint easy vs Yellow Army (willpower68; Amazon)
    (danton; Human) Mad Missionary Mob vs Commedia dell'Arte (SorroW; Elf)
    (Rburton; Dwarf) Red Dwarfers vs Devious Darkblades (kvasilad; Dark Elf)
    (John McGuirk; High Elf) High on the Supply vs Goat Ravishers (Workers Central Committee; Human)
    (jrpeart; Undead) Undead Weight vs Blonder Bombers (Dreamy; Wood Elf)

    Division 2
    (Boffasmurf; Dark Elf) Depraved vs Forests of Alduin (JimmyC; Wood Elf)
    (Etheric; Elf) The Elf Street Band vs UEI-Experiment CIX alpha (Gallows Bait; Skaven)
    (Panda with issues...) Those Fancy Pants vs Reservoir Goats (Barninho; Chaos)
    (crimsonsun; Nurgle) A Plague Upon Your House vs Xtreme Living (Netmsurf; Necromantic)
    (Lebe666; Elf) The ASS FAMILY vs Real Madread (Mercy Flush; Human)
    (Alouatta; Norse) Norsca Vikiing Liners vs Men in Drag (Pottsy; Amazon)

    Division 3
    (Mortlock; Elf) Elf Mafia vs House of Amber (Barristan the Bold; Dark Elf)
    (Barmution; Lizardman) Kroxford and thesaurii vs Too Posh To Push (TYS123; High Elf)
    (Blacksierra; Wood Elf) [SvS] Crunchables vs The Broken Necks (Kjelstad; Norse)
    (DakaMan; Necromantic) DakaManceer VI vs Asthetics of Hate (Hawca; Dark Elf)
    (DANINJAPAN; Goblin) Great Gaijin Smashers vs Lightspeed Freaks (Viajero; Wood Elf)
    (Joe Staniforth; Dark Elf) Jorxan Thunder vs The Farting Gamblers (Lord Thorlacius; Skaven)

    Division 4
    (Abraxis Annihilators; Necromantic) The Crunch Cup Widowmakers vs The Ra Ra Ra's (Snottie1; High Elf)
    (pdarby; Wood Elf) ladies of danger vs Castlevania Corpse Carts! (staticelf; Necromantic)
    (20phoenix; Wood Elf) I Go Down Easy vs Dumbest Fellas (Torque; Ogre)
    (Michaels; Undead) The Hands of Doom vs BarrowRun Blightstalkers (Falloheart; Skaven)
    (FastShark; Dark Elf) PhatSharks vs Orphans Tear (Altashheth; Dark Elf)
    (keechmj; Lizardman) The Lizard Wizards vs The MissFits (PapaRattzi; Amazon)
     
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2012
  8. John McGuirk

    John McGuirk Well-Known Member

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    Play of the Day

    Welcome sportsfans. This is John Maddmen bringing you another POTD – the first for CCX. Today’s coverage is of the much battered Skaven team from CCIX, UEI Experiment CIX Alpha, coached by Gallows Baits, up against a veteran CCIII Human team, Those Fancy Pants, coached by Panda with Issues. Two great coaches who have a special place in this commentators heart, having been around since near the beginning of the Crunch Cup. Panda hasn’t been seen amongst the CC coaches in many a year. Rumor had it that after coaching a team dressed entirely in pink for a season, something in his head cracked. He was last seen gibbering insanely to himself whilst dancing off in a home-made tutu. Gallows Bait on the other hand became involved with the administration of the Crunch Cup, proving that he is at least twice as insane as Panda (if not more). But enough reminiscing, on to the game.

    The Skaven have received and after being battered round a bit and briefly losing the ball, they have managed to do a nice pick up, handoff and run into the Human half, screening their Stormvermin ball carrier from the Humans, who seem to have over-committed.

    [​IMG]

    It looks like a pretty easy score for the Skaven, right? Well you sir are obviously underestimating the agility of Those Fancy Pants, whose resemblance to ballet dancers goes beyond the choice of their clothes. Blitzer Corduroy dodges away from his marker, pirouettes past the screening Skaven Lineman, and en pointe’s the last few steps to smack down the Stormvermin, stunning the hapless rat (although Coach Panda had to sacrifice a chicken to Nuffle in order to ensure that the en pointe didn’t result in any twisted ankles).

    [​IMG]

    The rats manage to scamper back and recover the ball with their Thrower, the prone body of the Stormvermin and a covering Linerat providing some protection. But the Humans again show that they can dance with the best of them. The prone Blitzer sautés from the ground and en pointe’s to mark the protecting Lineman. Corduroy again shows why he is wearing the tough pants and knocks down the Thrower.

    [​IMG]

    But Corduroy then overextends himself by failing a pirouette to get nearer the ball. This allows the rats to once again recover the ball. They do this by blitzing away the marker, picking up the ball with the Thrower and handing off to the Linerat, who catches it.

    [​IMG]

    He then scarpers for the end zone, but is just 1 yard short and as coach Gallows has already sacrificed all his chickens to Nuffle, he doesn’t dare attempt any ballet moves to get to the end zone. But he’s guaranteed to score once he catches his breath, right? Right?

    [​IMG]

    Not in Panda’s ballet school he isn’t!

    The team’s Ogre lumbers over to mark the Thrower, after which Corduroy sautés up from the ground and blitzes the Thrower down. This opens space for his compatriot Blitzer to run past, double en pointe and mark the ball carrier. The other Human players then block and reposition so that the Skaven have nobody within range to assist the marked ball carrier.

    [​IMG]

    The poor Linerat looks to the right. He looks to the left. Its now or never – he has to impress the judges with one of the most difficult ballet moves possible – the grand jeté.

    [​IMG]

    Summoning up all his reserves, he leaps out and…

    [​IMG]

    John Maddmen
     
  9. John McGuirk

    John McGuirk Well-Known Member

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    Khorne Khorner

    I SEE YOU'VE RETURNED, MEWLING INFANTS.

    You can't greet the readers like that.

    THERE IS NO 'CAN'T' IN THE VOCABULARY OF THE ALMIGHTY KHORNE, ONLY 'WILL'. KHORNE'S WILL! WHICH LAYS WASTE TO YOUR INSIGNIFICANT CIVILISATION ON THE SMALLEST WHIM.

    Fine! Whatever! Anyway, welcome readers to another informative edition of Khorne Khorner. This week we will be looking at the Chaos Dwarves who...

    WHAT?

    I said we'll be looking at the Chaos Dwarves...

    WHY? THEY ARE NOT WORTHY OF MY ATTENTION. THEY SLAVE FOR THE PROFANE LIEUTENANTS OF THE BLOOD GOD CREATING THE GREAT DEMONIC ENGINES OF WAR. THEY ARE BENEATH MY NOTICE.

    Tough, Mr Alfrik has asked me to discuss his 'misguided brethren' in this article and that's what I'm going to do. So, the Chaos Dwarves return to the Blood Bowl field though aren't yet allowed into the Crunch Cup...

    JUST LIKE THE HORDES OF THE MASTER. I WARN YE MORTALS, THE LEGIONS OF KHORNE MUST BE ALLOWED ADMITTANCE OR THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES WILL DROWN THIS CITY IN AN OCEAN OF BITTER REVENGE. CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED.

    As I was saying, the Chaos Dwarves take the field again, but what’s their style? Let's take a look at some of the players.

    The Hobgoblin on the face of it is...

    USELESS FODDER!

    Er, I was going to say the unsung hero of the team. They take the hits on the line of scrimmage, they provide eager assists and are frequently even seen carrying the ball.

    SILENCE. THEY ARE WEAK AND PATHETIC CREATURES WHOSE SOLE EXISTENCE IS TO ADD NOTCHES IN THE INJURY-RELATED BEDPOST OF GREATER WARRIORS. THEY REMIND ME OF THE THRALLS OF THE VAMPIRES, ONLY MORE PATHETIC. THEY CAN'T PASS, THEY CAN'T PUNCH, THEY CAN'T DODGE. DISGUSTING VERMIN.

    Well, every team needs it's workhorse. Anyway, someone needs to carry the ball...

    AYE! AND IT SHOULD BE GIVEN TO THE STRONGEST AND THE FASTEST. IN THIS TEAM THAT IS THE SLIGHTLY LESS PATHETIC BULL CENTAUR. A MATCH FOR A WARRIOR OF THE DARK POWERS IN STRENGTH THIS CREATURE CAN OUTPACE MOST ON THE PITCH, A PERFECT COMBINATION.

    That is assuming they can pick up the ball in the first place...

    A MINOR INCONVENIENCE!

    Well, we've missed out one of the most important players...

    AH YES, THE MINOTAUR!

    No I mean't...

    THE MINOTAUR OF THE DARK DWARVES IS ALMOST IDENTICAL TO THAT OF THE TRUE CHAOS CULTISTS. THE MAIN DIFFERENCE BEING A DISTINCT AND DISAPPOINTING LACK OF TAINT. FEWER TENTACLES, FEWER CLAWS AND FEWER HEADS. NONETHELESS, IT LACKS NONE OF THE STRENGTH AND RAGE OF IT'S BROTHERS! HA! I CAN ONLY APPROVE OF THIS VIOLENT BEAST!

    Fair enough, but what of the Chaos Dwarves themselves?

    PAH, THEY ARE SIMPLE DWARVES, A SLAVE RACE, ONLY WITH BIGGER HATS.

    Argh, I told you not to mention the hats, it's so cliche! Anyway they aren't the same. Have you ever seen a Dwarf with legs that long? Or hands that big? Or arms that...er....three?

    A VALID POINT I SUPPOSE YOU MEASLY SCUMBAG.

    Well I'm glad we're on the same page anyway. Having glimpsed a few Chaos Dwarf training sessions I can conclude that this team tends to play a 'hit-em and hurt-em' style of play. I've noticed several different scoring techniques either with suicidal Hobgoblins or stubborn Bull Centaurs. I've seen lots of Dwarves with tin-openers attached to their gauntlets (at least, it looked that way). All in all I think the Chaos Dwarves will have a great impact in future Crunch Cups.

    Next we'll be looking at the Underworld team, yet another banned team who...

    ANOTHER BANNED TEAM. THAT'S THE LAST STRAW! THERE WILL BE BLOOD!

    *Sigh*, farewell readers and...er...best stay indoors today.

    Neville Taschmann-Keane

    Erratum

    We wish to make the following amendment to last week's article regarding the loss of the great Blood Bowler Harmon 'the Steeple' Simpkins: 'The Steeple would exploit any hole in the defense to his great advantage.'
     
  10. John McGuirk

    John McGuirk Well-Known Member

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    Where Did I Go Wrong?

    Greetings, readers, and welcome once more to the letters column "Where did I go wrong", hosted by yours truly, Renko Fedorenko.

    The column is open for all, and can answer all kinds of questions, but for publication in this august magazine the focus will be upon questions asked by actual Crunch Cup coaches. And for this week I have received a letter from the third division, where the coach of Kroxford and Thesaurii has found himself in a slight predicament.

    Since the question was asked in a quite general manner, I made sure to find a Cabalvision Crystal that had been imprinted with the game and studied it in detail. At least the parts that did seem meaningful to observe. But I am getting ahead of myself. Please find my answer to the good Barmution below, and I'll finish the column with a few observations.

    Dear Mr. Barmution.

    As a first consolation I can offer that your matchup is supposedly among the hardest for lizards, with wood elves being able to run willy-nilly and hunting down skinks at a leasure. And when your opponents get to have a wizard as well, things are decidedly getting tricky.

    That said, the reason they are getting a wizard is because you have a serious advantage which you should use to the fullest. Comparing your teams, we find that while your teams were eqally matched in speed, the elves were more maneuverable. Meanwhile your strengths were in the fields of pure strength and team spirit. You did also have half a team with a notably higher resilience than your opponent.

    Yet the Cabalvision replay suggests that when you got the drop on your opponents you did not order your big lizards into contact with your opponents. It is true that they can not reliably dodge away from opponents, but with their superior strength they would have forced their marked opponents to either call in some friends, dodge away or get blocked very soon. And since most of them lacked the skills for reliable dodging, such marking could have led to loss of team cohesion. Meanwhile, as long as most of your other saurii work in pairs or more, they will usually be able to push each others free if needed for some desperate moves.

    You did manage to have a skink pick up the ball and score quickly, getting a comfortable early lead. Perhaps too early, but it is not a decision I can fault. I'll just note that removing.. I think it was Bon Mon who could have marked Eltor where he was standing alone in your backfield - he should have done that rather than having moved ahead, lest your opponents could have regathered the ball and hid it from you for quite a while by passing to that free receiver.

    The second kickoff saw a much better lizard play - I was quite impressed with how you had improved just from the start of the game. I personally might have wanted to press through in the middle to reach for the ballcarrier, but I can see and appreciate the reasoning behind your order.
    As you also might have noticed it might have made sense to call for Xenolingualis the saurus to mark up somewhat closer to the sidelines instead of having leaving Slang the skink open there. You'll have to remember that for safe play an opponent will have to bring up two assistants to reliably shift around one single saurus, meaning they can sometimes work without covering each others.
    You should also not forget the ability of skinks to block down opponents, as long as they too can receive two assistants.

    Other than that I noticed a slight tendency to get pulled to the side, but that is quite logical given that your big lizards want to aid each others to be able to keep a few free and mobile, and I saw only one more mistake in the first half. The discounting of the wizard. As long as your opponent has a wizard you really have to be careful with the so called 'tight' cage. Instead of that 'five-point' cage, you should try to keep a looser cage. Yes, it allows your opponents to possibly enter it without arcane assistance, but it does also mean that you are not handing out a surefire barbecue party - something even riskier when the participants of the festivities are skinks.

    As for the second half, given what the teams looked like when it started and how the opening exchanges panned out I'm rather impressed that you managed to score at all. The only thing I might have done differently was when you ordered the blitz to clear the way for Moniker. You ordered Larry Vocabu, but he was also acting as a front screen, so had he failed it would have left Moniker without any protection against a retaliation blitz from Suggar or Honey. Had one of the rear screen saurii blitzed instead then at least the dancers would have had to run around to reach. That is a minor issue, however, since normally you might also want to include considerations for how the ball might bounce after your opponents frees it. In your case, without any spare skinks, that consideration is largely voided.


    I have managed to get hold of a plate so I can add the illustration also to the Courier, allowing you, dear reader, to also see it and use the knowledge thus gained in your evaluations of future games, or if you manage to get a hold of the Cabalvision Crystal of the game.

    [​IMG]

    With the expectation of much fireworks yet to come
    Signed

    Renko Fedorenko
     
  11. John McGuirk

    John McGuirk Well-Known Member

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    Rising Scars
    A Rot About Town

    Darlings, it is I, Elkcub Turnbuckle your humble servant and purveyor of the intoxicating aroma of sport, here to draw your interest to the most dedicated and alluring among the undulating mass of blood bowl livestock. Those few whose pedigree lifts them up above the common husbandry and shows them towering above their glassy-eyed kin; the real and true stars of this game. They call out to me. 'Help us Elk, help us!' I can only oblige.

    It was with great esteem that I arrived here at the former (and current?) Crunch Cup Courier headquarters, only to be sent immediately packing by a stout unpleasant fellow with a towering hat, who clearly did not see the press-pass in my outstretched hand. He muttered something about there being no visitors, and I confess I quite agree that a serious paper is not the place for tourists. It was clear that he meant me, which is unfortunate since I was invited and now he'll be forced out of his job by end of week once I've had my say.

    This was only a delay and not a setback, since yours truly has been studying the game since the days of my youth, so long ago, in Athel Loren. I procured information from the usual sources of the AltDwarf Census office and headed out with a determined chin. So without further prattling on my part, I present you with a sample of what makes this game beautiful...

    Outrageous fortune brought me to the stage of one of the greatest Bowlers to ever play in the Crunch Cup, a fellow elf and master tactician at the height of the premier division. Pantalone from Commedia Dell'Arte is a fearsome competitor. I was able to sit down with him over a strong cup of tea at 'The Asurian House' in northern AltDwarf. While in his common clothes I found him more than pleasant, once he dons the dented armor that opponents see he is a force to be reckoned with! With the unique ability to bring his full body to bear on an opponents vital spots, while simultaneously following up with a ground shattering body slam, this forward has sent 15 opponents off the pitch injured and three of those never opened their eyes again! Don't let that fool you into thinking he is all power. Pantalone is nimble as a minx, has scored 8 tries in his 24-game career and knows how to wrap up an opponent so they aren't able to get away easily. Look for big things from him this year as Commedia Dell'Arte push for the division title.

    The non-secular nature of the Nurgelites makes one-on-one interaction something of a farce, and the glorious Nurgle beast Iago from A Plague Upon Your House was no exception. The beast-man 'interpreter' accompanying our meeting on the pitch at AltDwarf Stadium and Expo Center was almost as hard to understand as the great hulk herself. Yes dear friends, SHE is a loving, if somewhat aggressive sort. While asking questions, I was able to convince her handler to let her show me some of her incredible blocking technique, which few if any Beasts ever master. Iago is a prodigy, only five fielded games but with three injured opponents (two of whom died on way to hospital) she is quite the imposing sight and after being tossed about a bit with a slight concussion... no, no dear readers, nothing to worry about; a momentary blackout, nothing more... and I was up and able to feel my legs again. I confess I felt a bit sad about leaving her. Poor dear has a wonderful glint in her eyes that seemed to fade as she was led away in her steel box. Best of luck to A Plague Upon Your House in the coming season, and look for Iago to continue her storm of chaos in the succeeding division.

    The third divisions Kroxford & Thesaurii boast a healthy array of experienced players, but none stand out quite as much as veteran skink Bon Mot. I met him at, oddly enough, the steps of the local AltDwarf public library, where he enjoys honing his skills by catching (and eating) pigeons! He loudly complained that I was scaring them away with my smell, but despite his rude manners (and sense of smell) I found him to be quite literate. This training seems to be working a treat as Bon Mot is as fast a skink as you'll see on the pitch and with a steady hand for snaring balls in flight. That little gentleman has already amassed four touches and 142 yards on the ground for Kroxford. Whether he is ready to lead this fledgling team to victory in the penultimate division or not is still in the air, but if the ball is close he'll try to grab it!

    The final division in the Crunch Cup is frequently referred to with distain and suspicion. It is, more than ever before, populated by the most rookie and uninitiated teams and mostly overlooked by the more discerning of Blood Bowl fans. As this reporter can attest, there is much more to this division than meets the naked eye, and lo I will expel these most traitorous and elitist myths here and now. Enter Nalrel of the team Phatsharks. Here is a fine, but grim specimen of the pitch. When I intercepted him at his local watering hole, I'm sure he was quite surprised to learn that I, Elkcub Turnbuckle would even deign to make his acquaintance, but after warning his entourage of sycophantic lackeys that touching me would be bad for their health, we sat down at a long table to talk Blood Bowl. I had to nearly shout to get my questions across, but I will say this, like any ball-carrier should he keeps his composure on and off the pitch. So much so that opponents find themselves unable to shake his will, no matter how many of them bear down on his person, he will find a way to make that pass or catch. One look at this elf and I knew that division four is a breeding ground of new talent.

    Despite the cramp coming into my delicate hand, I shall press on. For you, dearest friends, for you. Even now as I write I can feel that this saga is just beginning, join me again in this journey through the exciting world of Blood Bowl, and never forget that stars of the game are not just born... they are made.

    Elkcub Turnbuckle
     
  12. John McGuirk

    John McGuirk Well-Known Member

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    5 Things ‘We’ Noticed This Match Day

    UNDEAD WEIGHED DOWN BY EXPECTATIONS

    Last season's champions, Undead Weight, haven't managed to carry their title-winning form into CCX. Two losses from two games paints a pretty bleak picture for the decaying fans of the Weight. When asked what he thought the problem was Coach Jrpeart was quoted as saying 'Brains....Brains...', putting the blame squarely on his own rotting shoulders.

    NORSE NOSE AHEAD

    The beer-swilling raiders of the Norsca Viking Liners have torn themselves away from pillaging and surprise-sexing long enough to claim a perfect three wins from three record in Division 2. Their success is being put down to a lack of 'bashy teams' in their pool, with most teams favouring a namby-pamby passing game. This allows the Norsemen to stamp their authority on matches, in most cases quite literally.

    ELF AND SAFETY NOT THAT PREVALENT

    'Pro' Elves being top of the table isn't that unusual. 'Pro' Elves being top of the Kills Inflicted table however... The Commedia Dell'Arte currently lead the league with three kills in just two games so far. Normally more concerned with not dying themselves, this Elf team has decided to take the game to their opponents with a series of lethal blocks and fouls. Whether they can keep up this rampage remains to be seen but they're starting to give their race a bad name.

    SPONSORS TOP TABLE, REFS DECLINE TO COMMENT

    A quick glance over at the Division 4 table sees the Phatsharks in pride of place in position numero uno. There have been rumblings that a conflict of interests has emerged with the league commissioners giving an easy ride to their primary sponsors team. These rumours were quickly squashed when a representative of the other teams in the league was quickly squashed by a UEI Rat Ogre. Since then allegations of corruption have died down and large brown envelopes seen passing from Dark Elf to Skaven hands have been dismissed as nothing more than 'fan mail'.

    GOBLINS BOTTOM (AN UNWELCOME SIGHT)

    At the bottom of the CCX pile are the not so great Great Gaijin Smashers, a Goblin team. To be honest I'm not sure why we bothered noticing this because Goblins are pretty much always bottom of any league that doesn't contain Halflings. So please ignore this last observation and go and read something more interesting. Go on, off with you. I hear Khorne Khorner's really good this week. Better than that Culture Section bollocks anyway.

    Anatole Twisp

    Did You Know…

    The average ball in Blood Bowl only lasts seven minutes and twenty three seconds? Even with the addition of spikes, the game is so violent that far too many pigskins meet a grim fate underneath a pile of monstrous bodies.

    Notices

    Obituaries:

    Grungi Hammerson - He failed to notice the 'claws' in his armour contract.

    Caledor Swiftheart - He piled on the touchdowns, until someone piled on him.

    Zora of Lustria - She gave a mighty blow, and took one too, in the end.

    Arnie Blackeneger - Killed by a Mummy. He'll be back.

    Puffi Aerosnot - Lost in transit.

    Snagga Blacktooth - Slipped on his own chainsaw. His family are cut up about it.

    Grappi Paunchgobbo - They told him he was too fat for Blood Bowl. The Troll agreed.

    Tom the Unmemorable - Gone but not... something.

    Elkcub Turnbuckle - Zigged when he should have zagged, now he’ll never be the same again.

    Gerald the Mercenary - His coach claimed the apothecary couldn't have saved him anyway.

    ***​

    I got Bubbamania runnniiiiiin’ WILD ALL OVER THIS MOTHER, BROTHER! Or should I say - THROWIN’ wild?!?! Brubba, I mean, Bubba, brother, I got your Snotling right here, dude! Little scamp snuck onto the set of my latest show, Amorical Glad ‘E Ate ‘Ers, the follow-up to last year’s ratings hit Troll Vs. Food! TUESDAYS ON CABALVISION CENTRAL, HOGREMANIACS!!

    So yeah, the Hulkster barely saved your buddy from a fate worse than digestion, dude! Happy to help, brother, I’m a big fan of your work! Let me know your address and I’ll toss this li’l brother over!

    Hulk Hogre
     
  13. John McGuirk

    John McGuirk Well-Known Member

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    The Culture Section

    This week I was finally summoned by our new editor who assures me my new feature excites him in an ‘indubitably unnatural way’. He explained this was exactly the sort of thing his dear old Dad used to denigrate as ‘for the funny fellas’. Apparently this is a good thing as far as our Alfrik is concerned.

    However he does worry that it’s passing over the heads of some of our readers, and has come up with a poorly thought-out solution. This week I am to try out a guest reporter format in which Courier stalwart Gutrog Word-Knower shadows me on my travails, as ‘while you’re civilising the masses, we shouldn’t forget there’s some people round here who need civilising too.’

    This week the hottest artist in AltDwarf is in town presenting the premier of his latest exhibition called ‘Potential’, and I for one cannot wait to see what the great Fibulus Muchuntruth has come up with. We are privileged to have two tickets for the extravaganza; it is an honour to witness a creative titan at the absolute height of his powers.

    So I’m tempted to respond to the suggestion we waste one of those tickets on our resident Orc with the words ‘over my dead body’ when I steal a glance at Grimgridge and that tells me I should choose my words more carefully.

    I’ve been looking forward to ‘Potential’ for months. I’m a massive fan of the artist, and to attend the premier is a dream come true. I can only think of two or three things that can possibly ruin it but unfortunately one of those is being accompanied by Gutrog.

    I decided instead to rise to the challenge. After all, if I could civilise Gutrog, then nothing was beyond me. I summoned him in order to devise a strategy that would enable him to remain in my vicinity during the showing without completely humiliating me, and in his defence he did make an encouraging amount of effort.

    By the time the big night arrived Gutrog had responded well to a simplified code of conduct. The main rule was not to throw anything, particularly things in a frame or glass case. He was also restricted to two phrases. He could greet people with the words ‘How do you do?’ and if asked for his opinion on some work he was permitted to say it ‘defied categorization and transcended convention’. This was a safe bet because Muchuntruth always defied categorization and transcended convention.

    To build Gutrog’s confidence, I said I trusted him to do his own research as to the appropriate attire to wear to the function, and he arrived for the night dressed in his typical apparel, but he had added a top hat and monocle to the ensemble.

    ‘How Do You Do?’ he said.

    Muchuntruth made us wait an hour outside the doors to ‘build anticipation’. When they finally opened I somewhat dismayed to be greeted by an empty room, although he had painted all the walls and ceilings white… with matt gloss.

    We looked around for anything that could be categorised as art, but were confounded, but Muchuntruth stood proudly in the centre of the room. We looked at our flyers for inspiration only to discover they were blank.

    ‘I know what you’re thinking,’ said Muchuntruth to the rather confused crowd. ‘Now I want to ask one of you the question, what exactly do you all think is going on with this body of work?

    ‘And I’ll give you a clue, it definitely isn’t just that I couldn’t be bothered to do anything in time for the deadline and just decided to try and bluff it out.’

    His assembled admirers are silent, and I must admit even I am confused. Then I see that Gutrog has his hand up. Muchuntruth beckons him to speak.

    ‘I fink it defies categorisation and transcends convention’ he says. Good boy.

    ‘That’s true, even more so than my earlier work ’ says Muchuntruth, ‘but what does it mean to you personally?’

    Gutrog looks at me in panic and says ‘How Do I Do?’

    ‘Very true, how do any of us do? Go on’ says Muchuntruth.

    ‘Erm,’ says Gutrog, ‘Well I fort dis show is called Potenshul, and potenshul is like dis new big word I learned last year, an’ wot I ‘eard was you can realize it. So I tell Merrick an’ he says I can start by realizin’ my potenshul to piss off, an’ I got really good at it, but I never got round to realizin’ my potenshul in anyfing else yet.

    ‘But wot I fink is that when you got people in an empty space dere’s lots of potenshul in the room, but you can’t see it apparent’ly and sometimes it’s der potentshul for a good fing but sometimes it’s der potenshul for like a fire or a prong in der plums. So I fink dat all der nuffing in the air is der art an’ dat’s wot we’re looking at now, an’ it’s better den normal art ‘cos it can be anyfing, it can become anyfing, a bit like me, an’ I know because Merrick was dis smart bloke an’ he wrote on my evaluation I had limited potenshul an’ was eceptshunally espendable.’

    There is a silence in the room, and then Muchuntruth says ‘That’ll do! And the thing I like about that explanation is that it means the empty air is work, and that I’ve done it, even if some of you are looking at it through conventional eyes and just can’t see the beauty.’

    But funnily enough, after Muchuntruth had spoken we all did see the beauty, and many of us shelled out large amounts of money for jars that allowed us to capture some of the essence that was contained within what must surely be the greatest artistic feat of brilliance ever witnessed by mankind. Taking a breath from the jar leaves you invigorated.

    Even more fittingly, in a show about Potential, the truth about the genius we were witnessing was first eloquently verbalised by the biggest simpleton in the room, who was demonstrating considerable artistic sensibilities. He was clearly benefiting from my teaching to the extent he now almost qualified as somebody worth talking to.

    On the way back to the Penthouse I asked Gutrog the philosophical question ‘What is Art?’ and he said it was a way of convincing posh people their lives have value for considerable amounts of cash, so clearly the vast majority he has learned has passed over his head because that certainly isn’t what art is haha!

    Nevertheless I have to accept Alfrik’s experiment appears to have been a complete success.

    Sasha von Mittenwagen

    Contributors this week: Barmution, Barninho, Citizen Nev, Crimsonsun, Gallows Bait, Fallowheart, John McGuirk, Jrpeart, Narly Bird and Nikolai II.
     
  14. Altashheth

    Altashheth Well-Known Member

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    The perfect morning read :)
     
  15. Viajero

    Viajero Active Member

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    Great job!

    Re the POTD, blitzing the human away with the linerat carrier himself had the same chances to succeed in freeing him up than a Dodge no? (4/6) With the added benefit of a potential armour roll etc. Did the human have Stand firm or Sidestep?

    Lol
     
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2012
  16. kvasilad

    kvasilad Member

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    Hilarious stuff as always, really enjoying this season's plotlines :)

    I was, however, mildly disappointed to see my match against the pimps missing from the report. I guess we did play it quite close to the deadline.
     
  17. Citizen Nev

    Citizen Nev Member

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    The Courier cannot be held liable for the glaring omissions it forgets to
     
  18. crimsonsun

    crimsonsun Well-Known Member

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    crimsonsun
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    The match was covered, it may have been brief (this edition some reports may have been shorter than they would normally due to a reporter having caught something from the cups nurgle representation) but the game was mentioned.

    Crimsonsun
     
  19. John McGuirk

    John McGuirk Well-Known Member

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    It should be fixed now. I'm glad to say there's a perfectly convincing explanation for the omission, which is that
     
  20. coachman

    coachman Well-Known Member

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    bjj hero
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    Those elfs is corrupt yo! First they send off a fine, big booty ho for a legal tackle to an almost standing opponent. Den, end of half when dees elfs needs ta equalise da ref gives a good 25minutes injury time. Its like playing at old trafford.

    Highlight of the match? Watchin deez pimps flex tha pimp hand on dat elf ho. Some scandalous hos and skeezes in deez parts.