Crunch Cup Courier #66

John McGuirk

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2P1dB


Only two gold pieces!

Where was I? Oh, that’s right. Being bisected by a chain-link fence.

There’s a certain giddying freedom to be found at the top of a fence. You can look out over one side, or the other. The pavement might look the same either which way - in this case it looks like gold, because, well, it is gold - but something’s, you know, it’s different. It’s not just the relief of having reached the end of an exerting climb, or the anticipation of the drop that’s to come. It’s about transgression. After all, nobody climbs a fence without having some nefarious deed in mind - or in memory. Or maybe it’s about transition. If you can stick the dismount with your shins still intact - gold’s meant to be pretty soft, right? - you can leave behind the scene you’ve grown tired of, or perhaps that’s grown tired of you; you can pursue the limitless potential of the unknown. Freedom. Fortune. Not being dismembered by a half-dozen furious tramps.

The last point on that particular list of Big Dreams tugged at my mind as I sat atop that fence, assessing its symbolic potential for a future newspaper editorial. It tugged at my leg, too, because the aforementioned half-dozen furious tramps were hanging from it, gamely attempting to drag me back down from my perch on the threshold - the threshold of destiny itself! Well, I wasn’t too sore about that, I did kind of spill their hooch, and is it not written that no man shall come between a bum and his moonshine? What I was a little sore about was the pressure exerted by the weight of six men at the point where the thin metal rail I was sat on met my crotch.

Eesh, sorry, fellas! Uncross those legs; it ain’t half the disaster it might sound - a few years decomposing in the ground, you got precious little left to call precious down there, believe me. Ever wondered why Skeletons are faster than Zombies? Well for one thing, they don’t gotta worry about wearing a jockstrap. It ain’t always a picnic - just ask my buddy, Steve the Sexually-Frustrated Skeleton (‘I’m all bone’, he’ll sob into your collar, ‘except where it counts’) - but at moments like these, with the weight of the world hanging from where it simply has no business to hang, let’s just say that there’s two bundles of nerve endings you’re thankful the worms took care of.

Anyway, it was quite the predicament. Here I was at the top of this fence. Destitute, admittedly. An associate chiefly of tramps - not exactly what you would call a man of status. And, yeah, also technically unliving; a foul abomination supported only be the fell magicks of Necromancers.. but determined! Willing! Ready to pull myself up by my bootstraps, even as my enemies tried to drag me back down into the mire by… uh, by my bootstraps. If I wanted to move up in the world, I sure as hell needed to get down from here - and do so free from the clutches of those mescal-soaked marauders.

It was time for a little creative destruction. I took hold of the ‘bo-burdened limb with both hands, braced with my other foot, and pulled. And pulled, and strained, until suddenly there was an almighty ‘pop!’ And then the guys who’d had me by the leg, well, I guess you could say now they just had the leg. And nothing to stand on…

‘How’s that for generous, fellas?’, I yelled. ‘You want it so bad, you can keep the damn thing!’

Or I should have, anyway. That would have been awesome! What I actually did was lose my balance almost immediately and fall headlong over the other side of the fence.

In this edition:


  • :powdodge: Match reports from our ever-expanding stable of willing d̶u̶p̶e̶s contributors!
  • :powdodge: Lebe’s blow-by-blow account of a bumper double Play of the Day!
  • :powdodge: Honest-to-goodness, actual standings tables!
  • :powdodge: The debut of our all-new cartoon, Stomp the Press, courtesy of the estimably talented Jack Rags!
  • :powdodge: And more!

Roger Knightly
 
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John McGuirk

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Match Day 3

Featured Report: Group 8’s (Brolock; High Elf) Tactical Procedure vs Ironhead Bashers ( EvilSquall; Orc)

I got tickets for this match myself, just because I heard the High Elves have really been going through some ethnic purging, what with needing four journeymen just to come up with the rules-required eleven players. And Orcs seem happy to choose to receive first, and hope to get some of them off the pitch...

And Elves show unaccustomed thoughtfulness by not putting their temporary hires onto the Line of Scrimmage! Nope, it's manned by their own regulars, seeking to test the team's insurance policies. Orcs put up a light cage...

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And yes, that is just waiting for Elves to come in through a corner, forcing Orcs to blitz in order to get rid of them marking their Thrower, preventing them from using the blitz to move forwards. However, in this case, Elves moved their only Blitzer into their own half, rather than sticking him near the cage from the right, which would've made Orcs' life harder.

What could he have even done back there, had they broken through? Surely it would be better to try and stop the ball before it has managed to reach the main body of the Orc army? As it is, with his absence, Orcs are able to just re-establish their cage.

Elves throw more men (I think it's men, it's hard to tell, and it's a figure of speech anyway) at the problem (taking down half the Orc team and keeping them there), and this actually succeeds in making Orcs just move their Thrower between the left and the right side, pointedly not taking any steps forwards! Over half of the drive has gone past already, but the Orcs haven't even reached the middle!

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And then, after Orcs run their Thrower towards the right, but leave him by himself over there... Elves make an opening through the middle, dodge an assist in, and the route is clear for Ilarion, that lone Blitzer, to dodge clear of a Black Orc and go take the ball! But he fails to dodge into the clear! And that, simplest of all dodges, means Elves start losing players fast...

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But look. That's the Orc Thrower, all by himself! And right near the Elf Blitzer... who, this time, manages to make his dodge! And he takes the Thrower down, and the ball goes into the crowd... who think that no, Orcs should have their touch down, and throw it back in, in front of the only Orc in scoring range!

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And now, nothing can stop the Orc touch down. Nothing, except Nuffle.

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And that ends the first half! Orcs probably should've got a move on!


SECOND HALF

Now, the half starts by the fans rioting a bit, after their gift-wrapped ball did not lead to an Orc lead... Not considering that delaying the proceedings like this, just makes everything easier for Elves!

It's nine Elves vs ten Orcs, which certainly favors the less green pointy-ears. So, they just need to score quickly, and then delay Orcs a bit... Only they approach the issue by making a tight cage at the Line of Scrimmage, allowing Orcs to box them in!

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Elves run their Thrower back, and spring their Blitzer free... But he's the only Elf who is a scoring threat, and the Orc Tackler takes him down and stuns him! Elves are getting squeezed in tight, and lose the ball when this time it's their Thrower who fails a simple dodge!

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And after that, the ball is constantly in the middle of everyone, with no lucky bounce clearing it completely, and while Elves cannot pass it down the pitch, Orcs are just too slow to do anything with it while they slowly grind the Elves down.

After many occasions where it seemed obvious one side would win with ease, they still end up at a big fat 0-0 score!

Orcs: get a move on.
Elves: stop trying to be Orcs.

L. Juri of Erengrad
 

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Featured Report: Group 2’s (Fallowheart; Nurgle) Masters of the Pooniverse vs Sesame Creeps (Ging; Necro)

After that Line-Elf-iriffic show, for my other match, I went up the divisions, to find something where there have to be positionals around to even make the play. So of course, I looked for a Necromantic match! And what's the first thing I see?

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Yes, that's the Nurgle team placing a Pestigor on the Line of Scrimmage, to get beaten up. They did it to make use of their kicking Rotter, but protecting a Rotter just makes me feel wrong all over. It's like wishing an Elf coach 'good luck'!

Ah, I digress. It's just, it's not like a deep kick is going to help Nurgle, against a faster team (and, let's face it, everyone is). Especially when they then give up control by also putting their Beast in front, where he gets marked by a sacrificial Zombie. It's looking like the Necro coach at least knows his business! And, apparently knowing this, the crowd did what it can to even things out, stunning a Wolf with a rock, but Necro are still forming a nice pocket down one side.

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And you might think that the Beast would be easy to free up, so he could move to tie down both Wights at once, but that's not what Nurgle does. So necro just bust down that side and go in... which is when Nurgle jump into action, for the first time!

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And necro have to go mano-a-mano, pushing the roadblocking Pest out of the way with their ball-carrying Ghoul, by himself. He makes it, and runs the score in!

Perhaps Nurgle had a plan, after all, since now they still have plenty of time to score back in... And right away, they prove me wrong, seeing how they approach their offensive drive.

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They got so ecstatic over their Beast injuring a Zombie off (don't worry, he regenerated it), that they moved out of position, from where he was actually covering the back of their ball-carrier! Now, if Necro can just reposition their players and remove an assist, they can blitz with their Golem and...

Oh, as their first action, a Wolf tried to dodge in to distract the players around the ball-carrier. So naturally he fell on his face, and now there's nothing to stop Nurgle from scoring. It's like, sometimes you might have to admit that you're not an Elf, and should just take the safe, conservative route of getting in the way.

Now, Nurgle scored slightly before the very end of the half, so there is a small kick-off. It isn't going to change anything, since Necro don't have time to do much... Unless Nurgle still put that skilled Pest on the Line of Scrimmage, even when the kick landing spot doesn't even matter, and Necro do the only thing they can; foul him out of the game.

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SECOND HALF

Okay, Nurgle turn to receive! And they injure another Zombie... then KO another... then finish it off by injuring yet another Zombie! Now that was some really match-defining opening moves for this half!

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From a full pitch, Necro are suddenly down to just 8 players! Now, the only thing that could really mess things up for Nurgle is, if it was raining (it is), and they put all their heavy-duty players up front (they did), while the ball landed in their end zone and they fumbled the pick-up (yes on this front too)...

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Of course, first thing of note is that Necro did leave their players within easy marking range of the Beast. So, once they also get a Ghoul KO’d, even if Nurgle place their ball-carrier as temptingly as they possibly could, it's still gonna be hard to stop it from reaching safety.

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And tentacles hold true, and there just isn't anything Necro can do... So it's all on Nurgle to mess this up. And they do, taking a block against another Zombie, which ends rather badly, before they moved in any cover for their ball-carrier!

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But that Wolf does not get the Pest down, and.. the Nurgle settle for just bringing some people in and pushing the Wolf off, rather than taking the certain score? Why, that's certainly a good idea, it's not like there's a Wight right behind you, or the Wolf could get back up. Oh wait.

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And Nurgle try to punch the Wolf down, but it proves much more difficult than they anticipated!

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And thus, the score remains, another draw, but at least this time it was 1-1!

L. Juri of Erengrad
 

John McGuirk

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Group 1

(Barmution; Lizardman) Kroxford and thesaurii vs Yellow Army (Willpower68; Amazon)

Heralded as the game of the "Dragons against the Damsels" the Army came in against thesaurii fielding an extra apothecary just in case one of the lizards would get peckish. The Army also started by kicking to further ensure they should have full numbers for defence.

Three rookie girls set up on the line, and the rest of the team forms up in a tight scrum midfield - perhaps too tight, we'll have to see what thesaurii will enact. To begin with thesaurii put every big lizard on the line, and the Skinks deep, trusting that the comparatively slow Army will not have time to get to the ball and threaten it before the Skinks have secured it.

And the kick is deep - all the way to the end zone. Slang picks up the ball while the line beats down girls, except for new master of the team, Theodore Abe Ridged-Kroxford, who got performance anxiety about his first action in a real game. A bad omen? Perhaps - but at least it seems like the lack of free numbers when Xenolingualis had to cover up for this gaffe was what prevented thesaurii from enveloping the Army and keeping it contained in the centre, Cannae manner.

Instead the Army swept forward in a two-pronged offence, trying to spread the fight and reach the skinks, while still saving half the team for a column defence. But with Slang's turn of speed this swiftly meant that only half the Army was defending against a heavy cage on the Line of Scrimmage. Undaunted, the Army knocked down and stunned Theodore while setting up a thin Yellow line. A line that had a very strong right flank but a complete lack of left flank.

Not willing to go down the open wide zone, thesaurii pressed on ahead, but in such a manner that they left one cage corner missing and the screen of that corner was marked. At least the opening was on the weak side and the marker was a rookie, so the Army instead knocks down Xenolingualis to allow Love to offer a new definition of her name to Theodore, who is struck dead in a quite literal manner as the foul KILLS! him before he has had time to do anything more useful for his team other than standing in the way once - and posthumously getting Love evicted as his death rattle is quite too loud for the referee to ignore.

Shaken by the loss of their leader, thesaurii once again fail to make a proper cage but the Army once more work by trying to whittle away outliers and marking up the constituent parts, waiting for a cleaner or at least easier shot. It doesn't arrive as thesaurii manage to reform into an eight-player cage, but at least B-Cup gets to mark Slang after soundly knocking Pseudonym out of the game.

But thesaurii manage to turn despair into delight as they quickly push away B-Cup and some of her friends, including Elonius Quente managing to break loose from his marker and blitz-block Hugs down to remove the last obstacle towards getting Slang down deep and safe into the Army half, unreachable by all until Slang walks in the first touch down near the end of the half.

Second half sees both teams with pretty much the same formations as at the first kickoff. Army has a few more girls on the line (and experienced players instead of rookies) and thesaurii are slightly further back this time, but otherwise it is a repeat. A change from the first halfs cheering fans are the fans forcibly depitching the referee. Apparently the Army failure to get the boot in at the end of the first half upset some.

The Army send a few players up a short distance in thesaurii half, Amazon Girl with an escort of two goes to fetch the deep kick, and the rest of the team stays screening along the Line of Scrimmage while Amazon Girl starts bringing the ball up. Meanwhile thesaurii focus upon shutting down the offence - they stay in their half and just beat down any and all girls daring to intrude.

So the Army intrudes in force - only all their blitzes seem to include dodging which doesn't pan out well as they keep falling over and failing to reach the target. Instead it allows Ray Libra the opportunity to run around the screen and knock Amazon Girl out. Then Richard Thionarry clears the surroundings of where the ball scattered to and Moniker can pick it up and steal away with the prize.

Not to safety though, as D-Cup quickly releases the ball again for A-Cup to pick up. Only she is stuck among plenty of lizards, and in an attempt to shift Ray Libra out of the way, rookie Amazon Pussycat manages to fracture her own skull. (Pro tip: This is not what they mean when they say "use your head".)

Elonius Quente fails to take A-Cup down, but he does push her next to Richard Thionarry who succeeds allowing Slang to take the ball again. And get knocked down by C-Cup, who snatches the ball on the bounce. And gets knocked down by Elonius Quente, a mere ten yards from the end zone. Now in ascendancy, thesaurii flood the area with lizards, Slang picks up the ball and when he(she?) is knocked down by B-Cup, Ray Libra manages to catch the bounce.

And now time is seriously running out. As are the teams, as both sides start getting players pushed into the crowds, but the latter are too busy watching the events unfold to do anything worse than cuff the offending players around the ears for being in the way of the action. Finally C-Cup fails to 'surf' Ray Libra, and that is where the time runs out and the game ends with a one to nil victory for thesaurii.

Renko Federenko

Greetings once more from the Premier division of the Crunch Cup! Things heat up in week three as teams are looking for shade. Let's see how they did in keeping their cool.

Flailers (Ogre) lose 0-3 to Orphan's Tear (Dark Elf) in a bloody match for both sides. The scoreline was definitely all for the parentless druchii as they cruised to victory. However, the loss of two more of their number to the brutal onslaught of the Flailers puts future efforts for the cup in serious jeopardy. The Flailers seem to be content to send opponents to the morgue, even if they don't put touch downs on the board. Orphan's Tear will have to look to journeyman or their treasury in the coming weeks to make up for the losses, which number four players already this season before the mid-point.

Kroxford and thesaurii (Lizardman) beat Yellow Army (Amazon) 1-0 in a very close match that went down to the very last. Coming off the crushing retirement of Ol' Kroxford the current champs brought up a less experienced relative Theodore Abe Ridged Kroxford... who was promptly killed by the Amazon squad in the opening minutes. Despite this, they soldiered on scoring the only try of the game in the first half and positioned a stalwart defense to hold the Army scoreless in the second. Kroxford remain undefeated this season, and Yellow Army gain their first loss but remain within striking distance of the leaders.

Mad Missionary Mob (Human) beat Pimpin aint easy (Chaos) 2-1. Both of these teams have had their share of difficulty this year, with the Pimps giving the long kiss goodnight to four of their number in the first game, and the Mad Mob dropping their first two games. Pimpin aint easy elected to hire Grashnak Blackhoof to represent on the pitch (no doubt bribed with tantalizing delights...). While his presence was felt, he was not enough to swing the tide. Both teams traded bodies readily; Brother Fatso and Virginia were nearly lost to death's sweet embrace, but the team apothecaries were able to patch them up without a loss of life. It seems that Division 1 is destined to see a winner by attrition this year. The Pimps are slipping out of the hunt, falling another game behind, and the Mob hold vespers in the winners circle for the first time this season. Both teams now hold a record of 1-0-2 on the year.

Crunch Cup Elite (Necromantic) tie Blonde Bombers (Wood Elf) at 2-2. Crunch Cup Elite keep pace with the Bombers throughout, trading scores but also inflicting serious injuries on the Bombers. The Bombers come out of the gate hitting in the second half but regeneration saves the Elite despite giving up the go-ahead score. The Blonde Bombers are not able to hang on to the lead with Crunch Cup Elite running in the equalizer at the final whistle.

Standings in Division 1 are starting to spread with a five point difference between the leader Kroxford and fourth place Yellow Army. Both the Blonde Bombers and Crunch Cup Elite are within easy distance of the top, but the rest of the pack is starting to slip, jockeying amongst themselves in a three-way tie for second to last place. Flailers have yet to garner a win this season, but are cleaning up in inflicted injuries (which may well be a win in Ogre-world).

Emory Cann
 

John McGuirk

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Group 2

DakaManceer VI (Necromantic) beat Those Fancy Pants (Human) 2-0. The Pants were physically dominated by a Necromantic team that capitalized on taking risks in the blocking game and getting away with it. Despite the fact that DakaManceer players kept knocking over Pantsers, the Humans seemed to be fairly resistant to damage, only losing a Lineman to an untimely death, and this made them able to come close to equalizing in the second half, only to have the attempt thwarted by a successful sacking and ultimately another Werewolf touch down close to the death of the game. This leaves DakaManceer solidly mid-table while the Pants really have to show their coming opponents who's wearing them to ascend from their temporary last place.

The Deathseers (Undead) lost to The Farting Gamblers (Skaven) 0-1 in a close to bloodless game despite the Deathseers' Mummies having plenty of soft targets. The Gamblers' Runners proved to be real pests as they were instrumental in stopping the Undead advance in the first half and were close to managing a steal and another score in the second half after a quick first touch down. This sees both teams with four points with everything to play for in their upcoming matches.

Masters of the Pooniverse (Nurgle) drew Sesame Creeps (Necromantic) 1-1. The Masters raised quite the stink and used their strength to great effect, although the regenerative ability of the Creeps refused to give them any lasting player advantage. After equalizing late in the first half the stage was set for the Nurgle side to walk in the decider slowly and violently, but a combination of sudden torrential downpour and some very persistent Necromantics allowed the latter to walk away with a point this time too.

The Lightspeed Freaks (Wood Elf) drew Norsca Vikiing Liners (Norse) 1-1 in a match that more than anything showcased the small margins between success and failure in this fine sport. The Freaks came close to losing their drive to a steal in spite of them hurting off a couple of the Liners, but eventually managed to scoop up the ball and score late in the first half. As the Norse seemed to have an off-day when it came to causing damage they were up against a fully Freaked team at their receiving kick-off at the start of the second half, causing them to lose control of the ball for a split second befor putting in the equalizer. Then it was down to whether the Freaks could get in a decider before full time, but eventually a failed hand-off cemented the draw and the Wood Elven hopes of a perfect season were dashed. Being currently alone at the top with seven points, I find it hard to believe that any except perhaps coach Viajero are shedding tears for them all the same.

Geraldo de Fleur
 
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Group 3

Igor: Greetingth thportth fanth,

Igor: Jorxan Thunder (Dark Elf) lost to House of Amber (Dark Elf) 1-2. Houthe of Amber demonthtrate that they are the top ranked Dark Elf team in the divithion by coming out winnerth in a bad tempered encounter that left playerth from both thideth hurt enough theywon't be able to take part next week. It leaveth the Thunder languishing near the bottom of the table but keepth the Houthe of Amber in the hunt for aplayoff thpot.

Luke: Werehere (Necromantic) tied with Pass and Move (Elf) 2-2. As is typical in a game like this the Necro concentrate on hitting and the Elves concentrate on the ball and on not being hit. Both teams also show great ability to react quickly when kicking at the start of the half, managing to get to the ball before the opposition and scoring shortly afterwards. It isn't a great result for either team though as it leaves both near the bottom of the table.

Igor: Caerdydd Crunchers (Orc) tied with The Phobias Second XI (High Elf) 1-1. When the Phobiath thtoped the Cruncherth thcoring in the opening drive they mutht have felt good about their chanthes for the game. I'm afraid they thcored too fatht though and left Caerdydd enough time to Crunch through a late equalither which keepth both teamth in the mid table fight for a playoff thpot.

Luke: Sheer Badassery (Elf) beat Ragnarok-N-Roll (Norse) 2-1. The Norse thought they were rolling over the Elves when they equalised before halftime and were getting the ball for the second half. The Elves however showed just how badass they can be by stealing the ball to score the eventual winner and take a clear lead in the group. It came at a cost though as they did have a player killed.

Igor and Luke Enthrop
 

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Group 4

(Tyriok; Human) Downunder Dreamers vs Engine of Elfhate (Juriel; Dark Elf)

Two "Teams from beneath the earth" face off as the Downunder Humans meet the merely down Elves. Elfhate don't seem to hate Elves that much more than anything else, since at least they do bring along three complete rookies as replacements for those who have gone missing. Meanwhile the Dreamers seem to not have very skilled players, but extremely talented in physical ways.

Losing the toss, the Dreamers get to start on offence against Elfhate who put their least liked players spread wide on the line and the rest centrally placed and ready to go. The Dreamers load their line heavily and protect the sidelines fairly weakly - good time for an Elfhate blitz. Only the fans cheer so loudly that plan is shot, and besides the ball came down right behind the Line of Scrimmage crew.

The Dreamers pick up the ball and cage, sending two players down to start threatening a quick play (against Elves?) or maybe just to break up the defensive line before the columns are formed, and the Ogre Jonah Poomu opens up by hurting one of the journeymen out of the game. Elfhate mark up a corner of the cage but the Dreamers abandon that part and create a new one deeper in the Elfhate half - only two of the corners are marked by Armoredelfischeating.

So Joe Rough is pushed out of the way, and Gotmyownspecialskill blitzes in and stabs Jonah Poomu, dropping him to the ground and catching the loose ball. Jonah Poomu pushes the Assassin over to Joe Rough, but the latter just manages to knock himself over instead of his intended victim and Elfhate can slip away with the ball. Dreamers work at putting some kind of threat to retake the ball or at least force a fast score but only manage to get Baddy Moran ejected for fouling and Sonny Bill Willy knocked down before getting even close.

The rest of the half goes in the sign of the Elfhate keeping clear of injuries or any threats to the ball at all, while Richie McClaw manages to punch his own face while blitzing and Sonny Bill Willy actually manages to severely injure his own back when trying to dodge like an Elf-thing. So having handed over the ball to Whylearntoplay allows Elfhate to score the opening touch down as the half ends.

Second half sees both teams with ten players. Elfhate sets up plenty forward, but keep their Assassins away from the line. Dreamers kick short and manage to reform their defence while the ball is in he air, loading upp heavily on the side the ball is coming down on. So Whylearntoplay picks up the ball and passes it to Gotmyownspecialskill who runs away to the other wide zone, safe from all attention.

But not safe from interest, as the Dreamers run over en masse, actually managing to set up a fairly difficult line to get past. So Gotmyownspecialskill retreats and passes the ball back to Whylearntoplay, who is so agile he can ignore Jonah Poomu marking him and catch the ball before running over to the now vacated first wide zone.

Catcher Tom the Tailor manages to run over and pin the Elfhate carrier against the sideline, and only gets pushed away for it, meaning the Dreamers could have a long shot at pushing Whylearntoplay out into the crowds. But instead they focus at creating a somewhat clotted defensive line, with tight spots and open areas, allowing Whylearntoplay to run up close to the end zone and pass to Justneednottorollones for the second touch down.

Just to further the cause of "Hatred towards all things Elven", Elfhate then blitz on the next kickoff, allowing them to thoroughly spoil the Dreamers second offensive drive and the only thing they can seem to do about it is to kill the dodge-skilled Elfhate Line-Elf Dodgeisforlosers (who seems to have belonged to either the ironical or the emo generation. I can't really tell the difference).

Elfhate have three solid shots at scoring a third touch down, but fail amusingly over and over, mostly by being unable to pick up the ball even once. Dreamers get a last-minute chance at getting a consolation score, but Joe Rough's pass scatters in the wrong direction and the game ends in an Elfhate victory.

Renko Federenko

Targaryen (Lizardman) lost to Pro Snots (Ogre) 0-2. Pro Snots train deir Ogres très biens. Steps 1: Gives Aegon injury. Steps 2: Bribing apothecary to kill Krox instead. Steps 3: Stomp, crunch, explosé and trip everyting dat moves. After dat look for ball and put it where Lizardmans don’t like it.

Downunder Dreamers (Human) lost to Engine of Elfhate (Dark Elf) 0-2. Engines of Elfhates grease deir ways to victory with sacrifice of another Linemans. Dreamers slipped in bloods and get hurts too. Someting all Courrier reader must remember: winning at any costs is for winners, but mercenaries for dose teams are losers.

Starfall Supernovas (Wood Elf) beated Skip’s Ballers (High Elf) 2-1. Maudit! Supernovas want everybody know you can’t take a punch you don’t play dem for balls. Good ting Skip’s Ballers is loaded a la tits avec some very good High Elfs armours. Dey only have half of team beat like une grosse sack of meat. War Dancer, Stellar, she killed and maimed her way trew four Ballers before clock finally say game overs. Skip’s Ballers gonna need to retink wearing heavy armours dat slow dem down, next time dey run away fasters maybe.

Tottenham Gobspur MkIII (Goblin) lost to Malekith Cocktails (Dark Elf) 0-2. Goblins is crafty little tricheurs. Dey take offense so’s dey can make Cocktails eating Moussa’s Balls and Chains. Jan ver-Troll-ing not follow dats great plan, he prove too stupid for good blocks and fall down instead. Cocktails see chances for opportunités and make Kyle Saw-ker seeing stars. Dose Dark Elf hurts more small uglies so Gobspur run away when numbers gettings low, make plan for second half betters while Cocktails get bored and make touch down. New plan is tricks Cocktail to get behinds dem so day only gets one more touch downs. Plan works.

Quelmont "Le Best Chest" Becker
 

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Group 5

Rats are Back In Town (Skaven) beat Anonymous Anorexics (Khemri) 2-0.
This was a game between the only two teams in division 5 with 100% records, and was broadcasted live to a record number of viewers. The Anorexics looked to have stopped R.A.B.I.T scoring in the first half but with half the Khemri team surrounding the ball, the rats did what they do best, knocked the ball loose and ran in the opener. As the second half progressed it became apparent the Khemri team were still trying to win as they powered up the pitch. R.A.B.I.T managed to scupper this victory with an impressive spot of ball winning before throwing the ball downfield to nobody, secure in the knowledge that nobody was going to beat their gutters to it in a fair sprint.

The Unluckys (Necromantic) beat Propo Gobbos (Goblins) 1-0.
The Unlucky’s were able to clinch second place with this victory but it was a hard-fought one. The first half saw the Unluckys get a lesson in the art of chainsaw wrangling and a clever goblin breakaway saw them inexplicably run out of time to score with a touch down looking certain. In the second half the Gobbos sensed blood, defended valiantly, but they couldn’t get the ball free and the Unlucky’s somehow managed to get the ball over the line.

Elfbowlers Inc (Chaos Dwarf) beat Breastest Team Ever 2-0.
The Chaos Dwarf’s established their credentials as challengers as they opened the scoring quickly with an offensive drive that simply tore through the Amazon defence. This was a tough matchup for an Amazon team and they could never really get their offence going against a ferocious defence. The Elfballer’s managed to seize possession again in the second half and add another touch down to their tally in the second half of a dominant display.

Psoriatic Arthritis (Lizards) beat Skavenblight 13’s 2-1. The Lizards got off to the best possible start as Skavenblight overcommitted on offense allowing Arthritis to hunt down an isolated ball carrier, and then Arthritis got the ball loose again, but this time the Skaven were able to recover and equalize. When the lizards got the ball in the second half the rats couldn’t handle the strength deficit and Arthritis were able to stall for a convincing win.

Manning Pann-Handtler
 

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Group 6

D.C. UniteDead (Khemri) beat Time of Death (Underworld) 2-0. The UniteDead did what Khemri do best, and ground their way through their own half, taking the entire time for one touch down. It was then RightieII’s Time of Death when the Memkhem-Besmat Tomb Guardian twins took out two Skaven at the same time. Time of Death had used their apothecary earlier in the game to un-KO their Troll, so RightieII took the full brunt, and opened up a spot for RightieIII. With a numbers advantage, it was easy for UniteDead to steal the second touch down, and get their first win.

Nur Leila ist Geila (Human) lost to Rat-a-tat-tat (Skaven) 0-4. Rat-a-tat-tat certainly worked some Skaven magic, and nothing was going right for the Humans. The musical Rats really worked an ensemble piece, spreading each of their touch down among different players. The worst the Humans could do was make their Thrower sit the next game out (missing your mechanical throwing arm does kind of hinder your playing). Rat-a-tat-tat will be striking up the band in the third slot of the division, with what looks like a promising run to the play-offs.

Era of Night (Elf) tied Old Dirty Dodge Ballers (Lizardman) 1-1. Both team’s apothecaries actually did their job and fixed two career-threatening injuries, which made the match all that more boring. Night threatened to win, but the Ballers got the equalizer after Tiny the Kroxigor’s gears clicked and he broke tackle to chase down the ball carrier. There was still time for Night to score and win, but the defense was too tight and the game ended in a draw. This means Night finally gets on the board, and the Ballers will be enjoying second place overall.

The King Slayers (Underworld) beat The Sticky Fingers (Halfling) 3-0. The Slayers certainly served the Fingers this time around. The game saw the Fingers’ Treemen plant almost as many Halflings into the ground as the Slayers did, although I think they were trying to score. Yakov Yurovsky, however, stayed focused on the ball, and brought in two of the Slayers’ touch downs. With the only undefeated streak, this seats The King Slayers comfortably on the Division throne, pending any major revolutions.

Jack Rags
 

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Group 7

(DrDodger; Amazon) All My Exes vs Farfetched Tactics (Miicro; Wood Elf)

Going to another game of Humans against Elves, but this time with forests as a theme instead of the underground. Amazons of Lustrian Jungles against Elves of the Wood, Exes against Tactics. The Exes elect to kick off, putting a heavy guard along the sidelines but leaving a gaping hole next to the Line of Scrimmage (at least a gap with only a single defender) the Exes are also using an unskilled safety, while putting up some skilled players on the line instead of only rookies.

Tactics set up deep with most of their team, seemingly intending to do a slow running score, and are rewarded when the ball drops down in the middle of their formation. Treeman Casper the Curls then open the game by badly hurting Christine 'Vow Breaker' off the pitch, and it is difficult to tell if the shout of frustration from the Exes dugout is the coach being unhappy about a harsh start, or unhappy that Christine will survive to play another game. Super-agile Dianelle the Loon is then knocked out by eclectically skilled Hannah the Highlight (skilled at kicking the ball and tackling, but not things like blocking, wrestling or dodging) before Catcher Marge the Mullet gets around to flubbing the pickup.

Given an opportunity to get into the game, the Exes act by.. all of them forming up around the Treeman, but without trying to take him down. This allows the Tactics to get the ball to Marge the Mullet and screen her away along the sideline - but not before inviting disaster by having a journeyman throw a block, which very nearly leads to actual disaster, but the far-fetched tactic somehow works out and the Tactics score seems assured.

So the Exes finish what they were doing by fouling Casper off the pitch, his thick skull not able to save him from being knocked out, and then start running over to try to threaten Marge, even managing to mark her. The marker is swiftly removed, however, and the ball is handed over to Bellatrix the Buzzcut who runs all the way down to the end zone to briefly stall just hither of it, but with three Exes careening down towards her Bellatrix decides to stop showboating and just get the opening score down.

Casper remains in the dugouts nursing his headache, along with Britt the Bang, meaning it is eleven Exes against nine Tactics. The only cloud on the Exes side is that Dianelle with her Elf-like agility is also still out of it. Still, both teams formations are surprisingly similar to what they had when the positions were reversed, and the problems that this potential lack of "bashing" from the Exes might be expected to cause are only compounded when a blizzard starts blowing across the pitch.

The Exes actually have to use their blitz against the line, but then they only try a grand total of two blocks there before running a single Thrower (Tricky Vickie) down to fail picking up the deep kick. Tactics then send down a suitable part of their team into the Exes half, and even if Vickie can finally pick up the ball, she can't be kept safe from the Ultimate Wardancer Marly the Mohawk, who takes her down. Bellatrix then picks up the loose ball and runs in a second touch down.

With Casper finally returning to the pitch Tactics can field ten players against the Exes who are now running short on time. At least the weather clears up again, and Jennifer 'lil nipper' can start things off by blitzing Glorrond the journeyman off the Line of Scrimmage and into a couple of weeks of vacation while his hand heals.

Thrower Crazy Christina then picks up the ball and joins a cage next to the Line of Scrimmage, but when Jessica the Sneak is supposed to finish the cage she fails to dodge away and leaves a gap in the defences. But instead of sending in Marly to capitalize, the Tactics send in Casper to slow things down, and that he does nicely as he blitzes down Darcy 'the third', sending her badly hurt to the dugouts and marking Christina at the same time. She manages to dodge away, but her screen-to-be fails it and now Marly can take her down and stop the score, even if there is not enough time to score another touch down.

Second half and the Exes are playing eleven against eight, and start right away with Dianelle (who finally has returned to the pitch) picking up the ball and getting into a cage in a wide zone, which is then advanced halfway down the same side but even further towards the sideline. Which is when Tactics swarm the cage. Exes fight them off, but fail to advance and instead retreat slightly to be able to get Tricky Vickie sent off for fouling Bellatrix.

Tactics then manage to get Dianelle pushed up against Casper, but then Hannah the Highlight fails a second block as Tactics try to make an even more open position for the upcoming blitz and Exes can try to get away. Only Dianelle doesn't, instead deciding that knocking down and Elf and following up so one can stand next to two prone Elves is probably a brilliant plan.

Well, it actually works out since Tactics first get Casper ans two Elves next to Dianelle, but then send in Marge the Mullet instead of Annie the Afro to blitz, meaning Dianelle easily remains standing, and then gets pushed forward through the scrum by pushes on Marge. But when this tactic seemed viable, Exes coach quickly ordered Dianelle to dodge away, which she promptly and miserably failed with.

Marly the Mohawk then blitzes in, pushes 'Closed off' Carla across the ball and snatches the bounce to run away with the ball. With Exes in hot pursuit, the only thing stopping Marly from scoring a third touch down is her tripping over her own feet as she crosses into the end zone, and then Exes managing to secure the ball enough that she can't just pick it up again for a second try, meaning Tactics win with only two goals against nil.

Renko Federenko

Oakshields (Dwarf) beat The Eshin Prowlers (Skaven) 2-1. The Prowlers scored really quickly in the first half, which left the Oakshields plenty of time to equalize before half-time. I also could’ve sworn the Prowler Thrower Stukka drew his last, but somehow the apothecary was able to jam enough mechanical bits in to revive him. Of course, since they were receiving, the Dwarves took their sweet time to grind down the field, with Oin bringing in his second touch down of the match. These latecomer Oakshields may have a chance yet.

Viashino Salkstalkers (Lizardman) beat Anvil and Hammer (Dwarf) 2-0. The Sandstalkers stole the ball from Hammer despite the presence of their Deathroller, and Geronimo leaped down field to bring in the touch down. Right after the next kick-off though, Big John came back and tore into Geronimo, sending him off the field nursing a nasty injury. The Sandstalkers still had plenty of offensive power though, and Hiawatha took the kick-off in for the 2-0 win.

Elfis Prelfley (Elf) tied Where is the Spoon! (Halfling) 2-2. Prelfley really stormed the stage, quickly going up 2-0 in the first half. Right before the half-time whistle blew, however, Spoon showed just what a Treeman touch down is all about, launching Otho Weatherbee safely downfield. There wasn’t a whole lot of shaking going on in the second half, as Spoon stole the half to winding down the clock and tying. Prelfley will still enjoy second place overall though.

All My Exes (Amazon) lost to Farfetched Tactics (Wood Elf) 0-2. Tactics must’ve had something up their sleeve from the beginning. After wounding an Ex off the pitch with their first move, Tactics went up 2-0 in their own half, all thanks to Bellatrix the Buzz Cut. The Exes’ half was a bit of a messy break-up, as they were all over the place and didn’t walk away satisfied. This puts an undefeated Tactics on top of Group seven. All according to plan.

Jack Rags
 

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Group 8

The Tollers of the Bell (Chaos Dwarf) lost to The Hell Hounds (Lizardman) 0-1. The Hounds went up quickly in the first half after they took the kick off in with Mephistopheles. The Tollers did manage to take the life of Mazda of Despair, but The Hounds didn’t even try to revive him, sending the Hell Skink back to where he belonged. The Hounds struck back, knocking the ball out of the Toller’s possession, and after that they weren’t able to recover it. With a successful shut-down, the Hounds tie for first place overall.

Tactical Procedure (High Elf) tied Ironhead Bashers (Orc) 0-0. The crowd certainly went parched for action today as no one crossed the line, and no one lost a head. There were four Elves taken off of the field, “injured,” but I’m pretty sure they were just faking to get away from such a boring game. The draw did suit both teams just fine though, as Procedure is tied for the first slot overall, and the Bashers aren’t close behind in the third slot.

The Frozen Touch (Norse) beat Beauty Queens Gone Wrong (Chaos Dwarf) 2-0. This is the one time I’ve seen a team absolutely furious that they won. The Queens refused to show up, saying they were having a bad hair day, and sent their hairdressers as stand-ins as punishment. The poor, bewildered stylists were no match for the enraged Norsemen, and quickly fled the scene after the Touch scored twice. Afterwards, I heard the Touch captain swearing vengeance against hair-care in all its forms. I’m sure the team’s fleas will be pleased.

Team Agent (High Elf) tied Kanto Elitists (Human) 0-0. Apparently, there was some sort of information leak, and the Agents dispatched to take care of it, neglecting the game. The Agency instead sent a diplomat who challenged the Elitists to a strange “tabletop” game played with teams of eleven figurines fighting over a tiny “ball.” The Elitists had apparently been starved of more “intellectual” fare because they haughtily accepted. The ref was very confused at the whole affair and kicked them both out without awarding either of them the win. I doubt that game they were playing will become popular though. It seemed far too complicated.

Jack Rags
 

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Group 9

Wild Lionesses (Amazon) beat Blast Beat Lock Up (Chaos) 2-0. I tries to pay close attentions to Amazon teams. Blast Beat Lock Up do dat too. Next time les boys maybe you watch de ball and let me watché les femmes, you not likely to spend so much times on your butt like dat. On sides note, Wild Lionesses showing skin for win tree weeks in row. Blast Beat probably wear not so much next week, not recommended match for fan dat one!

Toxik Taktix (Underworld) tie New Orc Emperors (Orc) 1-1. Dis was great match for dem ugly little merdes, Toxik Taktix. New Orc Emperors put de hurts on for Taktix but not enough to keep hold of ball for long times. Taktix even scores first in half deux by trowing a goblin for spike de ball in de Orc end. Dey fight back hard as dey can but not quite able to stop Emperors from making equalizer. Best game of dis week even wits severe lack of cleavage.

Crunch Cup Chaos Dwarves (Chaos Dwarf) lose to Stone Cold Killers (Lizardman) 0-2. Crunchy Cuppers picks to take Heads on Coin toss and win dat. Dis is last time dey use heads for effectively. Lizardman only have spend dis game waiting for Crunchy Cuppers to try being Elf a lucky 13 times. En fait, one Bull Centaur, Utkell Rottenbull so dumb he tinks he a Elf Centaur. He make 7 tries to run aways from arm reach (most not for success) before a Saurus from Killers finally push him into crowd, where de fans are inducteds to Killers for a briefs moment. Lizardman only have hards time scoring just two time and not feel bad.

Tor Achare Buccaneers (Wood Elf) win by forfeit over Dry Stifflers (Khemri) 2-0. Dry Stifflers not like going on date wit Wood Elfs in front of friends. Buccaneers is angry dey gets stood up, so dey leaves a negative reviews on Plenty-of-Fishheads. What up Dry Stifflers, you wants to be in Group 10?

Quelmont "Le Best Chest" Becker
 

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Group 10

(Graveseye; Orc) Da Bak Brakerz vs Disrobing Damsels (Pollution; Amazon)

Finishing the weeks long reports is the long-awaited game of "Beauty against the Beasts", even if the audience was divided in judgement about which team was "the Beauty" and which held "the Beasts". Either way, the only player on either team that had enough experience to not be called a "rookie" was Gutt Masher in the Brakerz team, who knew how to tackle things real good. A choice skill given the opposition. And the Brakerz elected to receive just to give Gutt a chance to use that ability as quickly as possible.

The Damsels set up in a somewhat non-standard setup, which might be intended to funnel the opponents down the center. Of course, as a defender it can often be beneficent to steer the opponents play towards the side instead and having the sidelines act as an impassable wall to reduce the amount of players needed to stop the advance.

No matter, the Brakerz set up in a similarly spread out manner to be able to guard the ball wherever it may fall, and then quickly cage up deep in their own half, fairly close to where the kick landed. Only then do the Black Orks on the line get to work, knocking down and stunning most of the line. The Damsels response is running around that line to get to the cage instead, but Jasmine cuts it too close and gets tackled by Black Ork Morr Break'Fing. Brakerz then blitz with Ruk Bad Foot, and fail to make any impression. Gutt Masher, meanwhile, has been assigned to duty as rear cage guard where his tackle skills.. well, they are "in being available".

Being separated the Damsels get ork-handled around by the Black Orks while the rest of the Brakerz move up in the middle advancing up to the Line of Scrimmage and being on time for a late touch down. Which is when the Damsels get dangerous. Baby Doll blitzes herself in next to Tozz a Bot the Thrower, while on both sides black orks get knocked down. (But of course not out. Orks are tough.)

Now is Gutt Mashers time to shine and he blitzes away Baby Doll, but it is all the Brakerz can do to clean the cage and this is just followed by the Damsels swarming it even more. (This time it is the Thrower Sparkle doing the honors of marking Tozz) Only when it comes to Gutt to clear away this one just like the last one, he chokes on the blitz and falls down again. (This largely due to how the Brakerz coach has already shouted himself hoarse at correcting near-disasters as Ruk repeatedly made poor decisions when it came to blocking.)

Damsels then let Diamond the Line Amazon blitz Tozz alone, which almost fails as well, but with a little encouragement from the coach and a few nice blocks Tozz is suddenly surrounded on all sides by Disrobing Damsels. This is, of course, when a coach starts looking for opportunities to chain-push their player into freedom, but any plans brewing are interrupted as Black Ork Rax Gouger blitzes up from the ground to knock out Sparkle. Strimpz then helps clear a Damsel away, but when Tozz tries to do the same thing it all ends with him and Kiki going down together.

But Line Ork Drump catches the scatter, and Blitzer Champagne has to go the long way around to take him down. Divine then manages to pick up the ball despite it still being doubly marked, and starts running towards the end zone. Incidentally the Catcher Shine has spent the entire game so far just hanging around in the Damsels half of the pitch and watching, instead of helping block down orks or getting ready for just this opportunity.

Ulgrot Tear'Arse blitzes Divine, but since he for some unfathomable reason wants to mark Champagne as well instead of coming from further outfield, he's lucky to get away with just a push instead of a slap. Rax Gouger performs better, badly hurting Diamond - which coupled to the two knocked out Amazons lounging in the dugouts seem to coax the coach into calling out the apothecary. Perhaps a good call, since else both KO:s would have to return to get eleven players for the next drive, and now one is enough. Champagne then blitzes away Ulgrot and Divine walks in the touch down with just enough time for the Brakerz to deliver a second kickoff beating before the second half.

And when the second half starts, only one of the KO’d Damsels has returned, meaning that thanks to the apothecary it is eleven against eleven. The Brakerz set up to defend in a fairly good offensive position, while the Damsels set up to attack in a textbook formation. Textbook as in "someone wrote this down once with a warning label attached to it." The crowds seem to think the same, since the Damsels take their second thrown rock of the game. (Or perhaps it is just parts of the crowds complaining about false advertising, since there is more playing than disrobing going on.)

The Damsels cage up with the ball in the left wide zone. They do not even attempting to dislodge the Black Orks on the Line of Scrimmage, and the first blitz of the half belongs to the defensive team as Gutt Masher blitzes down Champagne to be able to mark the Blitzer Raven who is carrying the ball.

Since Ulgrot Tear'Arse followed in to mark as well, clearing the markers off proves unwieldy and the Damsels finally fail after Jasmine tries some tricky blocks completely elsewhere from where the ball is under threat. The threat quickly abates as Gutt Masher, who had been blocked away, tries to get up and blitz without paying attention to Divine who is marking him, forcing Gutt to dodge while approaching three Damsels at once - an attempt that quickly sees him floored.

Damsels then advance slightly, building a seven-of-nine cage, but making sure one corner is thoroughly marked in case the Brakerz would want a blitz on the ball carrier. After due consideration the Brakerz decline and decide to just push Raven backwards while completely surrounding the cage-cum-scrum.

Or at least surrounding it on three sides. The rear is still wide open, and it is this way Raven and half of the other Damsels escape to take the fight to the other half of the pitch where there are only two, quickly knocked down, Orcs. A new cage is formed there, but it still hasn't crossed the Line of Scrimmage and the Brakerz quickly descend upon it. Damsels move up into the wide zone, finally entering the Brakerz half, but when Kiki accidentally cuts close to Tozz too early she considers the matter before deciding that a risky dodge that puts the ball carrier unprotected out in the open is better than calling it a day and getting some more reinforcements.

She fails the dodge, and only the lack of available Orcs beyond Tozz saves her from a blitz. Instead Tozz marks Raven for a brief moment before being blitzed away by Divine allowing Raven to almost reach the end zone. (Meanwhile, on the other side of the pitch, Strump gets ejected for fouling Shine while cursing too loudly about invulnerable Amazons. Which of course means that when Gutt Masher blitzes Raven on his lonesome, he manages to smash her collar bone - and with the apothecary already utilized, this does seem like the end of a career.

Gutt can't pick up the ball, though, and Kiki and Crystal team up to push him away, allowing Exstasy to flub the pickup and Gutt to knock Crystal down before Kiki in turn knocks him down and Exstasy manages to pick up the ball and walk in the second touch down for the Damsels.

The Basherz only have time for a round of vengeance, and the Damsels kindly oblige by putting the entire team in easy blitzing range (except for the trio already on the line, and Shine who is KO’d by a thrown rock). But the only dramatic finale happens on the line with Gutt Masher KILLING! Kiki with a violent block and quote "avenging her treatment of him when she knocked him down". (Or something like that. My Orkan is a bit rusty.)

Renko Federenko

Craggy Island XI (High Elf) beat Hadera Scorpion (Khemri) 2-0 in an administrated result. Ah, cruelly have I been denied the chance to graft at a proper report. Still, if I cannot inform my readers, I can at least throw my efforts into entertaining them. So: Why didn’t the Khemri team go to the game? Because they had nobody to play with! Wait, that doesn’t work. What happened when the Khemri team didn’t go to the game? The match was a-bone-doned! Ok, I’ll stop now.

Average is good Enough (Human) beat Doity Rats (Skaven) 2-0 in another forfeited game. Well, it is if you don’t actually have to play any Blood Bowl, you lazy buggers. You should have been out there anyway, if for nothing else than the sake of the crowd who’d turned up to see you - you could have put out some dustbins and played against those! Oh, right, Humans. Well, who knows, you still might have snatched a draw.

Prettiest In Pink (High Elf) lost to J&B Mining (Dwarf) 2-0 in a third administrated fixture. The dusty-bearded rock-botherers over at J&B will have been rubbing their hands with glee at the prospect of a free win. Well, you can’t begrudge it, really. But like my grandpapa always said - “a good day’s work is no substitute for a hard day’s work”. Back down the pit with you, boys! Make yourselves useful!

Da Bak Breakerz (Orc) lost to the Disrobing Damsels (Amazon) 0-2 in yet another forfeited.. oh, hang on, this one actually did get played. Bugger, now I have to do some work. Provide the kind of insights that the mere man in the street could only grasp at, like disparate shapes in the fog. Such as .. uh, that the Amazons proved difficult to knock down, and.. boy, those Orcs sure weren’t all that keen on handling the ball? Oh, sod it, just read Renko’s report. I’m off down the Dead Pig.

Jeremiah Lautmann
 
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CC Match of the Week Live!

This week I had the unsurpassable pleasure of meeting Viajero - yes, the Viajero in Viajero & Partners & Mysterious Clicking Sounds Inc. - to further discuss the intimates and particulars of our bold new multimedia partnership.

I had heard the stories, of course - the tales of this roguish, handsome young debonair, quite the international casanova, who was frequently mistaken for famous the Estalian cabalvision star Anthony O. Bandanas. I’d heard the stories because Viajero himself spent the first two hours of our meeting regaling them to me, sparing not a single detail. Personally I struggled to see the resemblance to Bandanas, although to give him his due, you could definitely say he had the perfect face for voice-over work.

‘You mean because of my deep, sonorous, sensual accent?’, he asked.

‘Er, yes, precisely because of that,’ I replied. ‘And now here we are, ready to make our millions, my good mister Viajero - ’

But my sentence died on the breeze, for my new friend now glared at me icily. His brow was furrowed. His lips were pursed.

‘The first thing you need to do,’ he said, clenching his teeth, ‘is to start pronouncing my name correctly, mate.’

This! This was what I had been dreading.

‘O-of course. Uh - my good mister.. Va..lerrio?’, I offered hopefully, desperately trying to sound the word out in my mind.

My interlocutor seemed to be steaming ever so slightly at the ears.

‘Mister Via-guerro?’, I ventured.

‘My name…’, he whispered.

‘Beg pardon?’

‘My name…’, he seethed.

‘Er.. yes?’

‘MY NAME,’ he roared.

- IS VIA-HIERO! VIA-HIERO! VIA-HIIIIEEEERRRRROOO!!!

[ame=http://youtu.be/n6YX19j6w_Q]CCXI MD3 G5 Netsmurf (Skaven) vs Deluge (Khemri) - YouTube[/ame]

Notice

Coming soon to the AltDwarf CryMax!

Turner and Druch: Starring Hans Tomks and introducing Maiselir Virulaenth, this is the madcap story of the unlikeliest of partnerships, forged between one by-the-book Joe working 9 to 5 for the ADPD, and the maverick Naggaroth new-guy who's assigned to work with him. Can these unlikeliest of allies see eye to eye and bring down the crime cartel threatening the city - before they tear one another apart? (No.) Rated R for Ritual disembowelling.
 

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Play of the Day

Oh Rats in Town!! Coach Netsmurf lets go of his usual fare of claw-ridden Chaos and scurries away his Skaven against some poor Chaos Dwarfs. Poor ? Yup…

The rats scored fast, then stole the ball on defense and scored just as fast again. They mark the ball soon after the restart, after hitting a corner to see the Chaos Dwarves leave the ball carrier open. Sweltering heat had taken down three Dwarves so they were shorthanded.

2027272Rats_1.jpg


The ball carrier is taken down but the bounce lands in Dwarf hands. The same Dwarf that was unsuccessfully freed by the Bulls’ blocking DODGES out!! (red line) The Bulls are hitting but they are only two. This is the situation seconds before the end of the half. Wisely the Rats had retreated a Gutter Runner into scoring distance (blue arrows).

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Three rats gang up on the Bull Centaur opening for a hit on the ball carrier, but can only push him back. No matter. A Gutter Runner blitzes with less strength but still manages to wrestle the ball free. The problem is the bounce seems to be on the other side - with a Bull Centaur next to the ball and another blocking the way out.

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No problem for enterprising rats… our team tried to capture this in slow motion but it was too fast to register properly. The Gutter Runner runs around the bull as if it were not there. In and out the same way… sprints that extra and successfully passes to his marked colleague who then scores the third touch down in the first half ! Amazing and aggressive playing by the Skaven coach. It all started with a simple taking out of a cage corner.

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Now we have 20phoenix's Gobbos in "Tottenham Gobspurs MkIII" versus .marXman.'s "Targaryen" Lizard team. A tight defense on the first half saw the Lizards stealing the ball and scoring with ... wow... a Saurus! Now it’s the Gobbos’ turn to steal a ball.

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This is an “HMP” Gobbo Bombardier. Technical lingo for inaccurate artillery that delivers anywhere in the field! Usually upon other Goblins.

This is a defensive lizard position after retrieving the ball from the kick near the end zone.

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This is what happens after the HMP guy finally delivers...

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The ball on the floor the Gobbos dodge through heavy traffic and get the ball. They still needed ages to clear away and score. Yet the fame of having a Bombardier accomplish this lasts forever.

Lebe
 

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Rising Scars

I can't tell exactly how long I've been fumbling with the lock on the door, but it swings in suddenly and I trip on the doorjamb, sprawling face first into the foyer, my hand clinging desperately to the key still in the lock. Ritiki is there, disapproving look on his long face. He scolds me, dragging me inside, extracting the keys from the lock and shutting the door. He was sitting down at breakfast clearly getting ready to leave for work. At least I didn't wake him... until I see a whitish-grey face peek around the corner and sneak toward the foyer door with a sly smile. Then another rat-girl who looked strikingly similar does the same... followed by a third! I'm holding a hot water-bladder tightly to the back of my neck but I can't hold my mouth closed as I stare at Ritiki. He shrugs as if to say 'yeah they're triplets, what of it?'

He sets a plate of bangers and eggs with a slab of sweet bread smeared in a heap of butter in front of me. Strong tea to accompany and I shake his hand weakly... he's too good to me.

At least I get paid half-way decently or I'd be flat broke. Spent a small fortune of coin last night glad-handing some of Division 4's more promising players. Quite a strange time to be sure. I started early evening yesterday with a trip to 'Bloodtrails and Dreams', an upscale bar that is a known hangout of the Malekith Cocktails, the fourth divisions representative Dark Elf team. Once inside, I secured a booth near the back to talk things over with Wargasm, the Cocktails veteran Blitzer.

Wargasm has made a fine show for himself, displaying an ability to get the most out of his conditioning with vicious hits, but being extremely mindful of his team-mates security. These two qualities are extremely rare in the Druchii, as they tend to play a more elusive finesse game despite being more heavily armored than their Wood or Pro-Elven cousins. He ordered me a number of drinks and seemed to be a likeable enough sort (though I confess the drinks were extremely strong). Sadly he and the rest of the team got up and left, leaving me to settle their tab, which was considerable. I narrowly avoid getting roughed-up (after realizing that my coinpurse had been lifted) by keeping funds in my boots. I picked this trick up from my travels across the backwaters of Lustria. Always good to have some coin stashed away, and just enough in your purse to pursuade would-be robbers that they don't need to frisk you. I'll be passing that tab back to the Courier as it was in the line of duty. (please submit a proper expense report before weeks end. ed.)

As the first waves of dizziness started to grab hold, I stumbled over to another famous hang-out called the 'Steel Thorne' hoping to catch up to the Lizardmen of Targaryen. As luck would have it, I plow head-first into none other than Aenys, veteran Saurus of the same team. Aenys is a real brute, being expert at both knocking opponents over, or using considerable strength to get free of their clutching grasp. This has served Targaryen well in holding up their defensive line as the Kroxigor on their team has taken quite a hit recently.

After an apology and an explanation of who I worked for, I was invited in for a drink at the bar. Nevermind that there were no chairs save one extremely pointy-thing up on a raised dias, the place stunk to high-heaven with that earthy aroma of molting scales. The Skink behind the bar gave a grin and set down two dirty-brown bottles with matching dirty shot-glasses. We exchanged pleasantries between shots of burning foulness. About the third or fourth I was unable to stand quite so upright and spilled some of the drink on bar while trying to bring the shot to my lips...

Aenys was kind enough to escort me to the door, before muttering something about 'Chico sends his regards' and tossing me headfirst into the street... scraping myself off the side-walk I convinced a nearby cart-owner to let me vomit into his make-shift steamtray then narrowly avoided his wrath when a passing officer of the peace questioned whether he had a license to sell such disgusting filth. I thankfully felt much better after that.

I must have sat on the curb near Cable street for a few hours, because when I looked over, there was a cup with a significant amount of coin rattling around in it's depths. Don't ask me where the cup came from, but I gladly took the coin, intent on getting something to eat. Having had enough of the less-friendly places, I took in some time with my own people asking around about a Human team Downunder Dreamers. Getting a line on them was easy enough as frequent a barbecue joint in the market district. The kind of open-air place that is friendly and inviting, while also being exclusive and dangerous. Perfect!

I end up sitting down next to Dill Genia, the Thrower, emerging star, and team captain of the Dreamers. He shakes my hand in a friendly but terrifyingly powerful grip that would make a Black Ork cry tears of blood. Dill orders up a few skewers of season meat and some brown ale as we converse. Dill took the off-season and exhibition games to really bulk up and become a strong, heavy blocker, but says that his best training was dancing. He would go to bed early in the afternoon, then dance hard into the night to improve his foot-work by dancing with as many ladies as he could. It seemed to work quite well for him as just about every girl that walked by had a wink or a smile for him, and he's certainly nimble-footed on the pitch! The ale goes down smooth and I don't mind picking up the tab with my cup-earnings promising to stop by again and wishing the Dreamers the best of luck in future matches as the sun starts as a warm glow in the East.

I follow Ritiki dutifully out the door and start helping him with stacks and stacks of the morning edition. It seems that this little rat has almost single-handedly cornered the paper-boy market. He might have the entire stock of morning editions lined up in the back hallway stairs. As the haze of my mind starts to briefly lift, I grab him by the collar of his sturdy wool pea-coat and bring him close. "Jus' what in the blazes do you think you're doing Ritiki?, there's no possible way you can deliver all of these across the city!". He grins at me wickedly and extracts himself from my fuming breath and clutching grasp. I follow him down, past the back-door and into the cellar... when a large manhole cover has been removed and a swarm of rat-men is moving packages of papers in the style of a bucket-brigade down into the depths.

Softly he turns me toward him and says 'no-no traffic down there... tomorrow-morrows news, today-now!'

S. T. Chervil

Stomp the Press!

JRcomic01-1024x252.jpg
 

John McGuirk

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Feeditch’s Gnawing Me, Gnawing You
Starring Coach Pottsy

Dis weird. My hole life it been ‘Feeditch, why you go an mess dat up for’, an ‘get ya hed in der bloody game, you great useless fart factry’, an ‘I’m sorry Feeditch, I dint mean it, plese put me down I too yung to diiAAIEEE’. But I ach’lly gettin’ praised for dese intarfiew fings I been doin. Der editer say I got a ‘relaxed, jocular style’, to which I replied ‘too fukken right I do, tosspot, you wanna make somefing ov it?’, an den he give me a whole wedge ov paper wiv funny pickters on it an mumbled somefing about maybe I cud do some mor work in a field or sumin an not to worry bout hangin round der office so much.

So I reckon, why not? I got on der blower to coach Pottsy (dis wen u blower hole in de wall of whereva de coach yer lookin for is, it much quicker den remembrin ow to work dem bloody door handle fingies), an told im der Courier wonted a word wiv im. He de coach ov de Sticky Fingers wot play in divishun six.

Feeditch: Ach'lly I wont many wordz wiv u, in de form ov a intarfiew, an I aint takin no for an answer. Cus "no" is jus one word, an I wont many wordz, ow many mor times I gotta tell you dis?

Anyway I lookin forwud to your reply woteva you say, only if you dun say "yes I wud luv to do a intarfiew fanks Feeditch" dere gonna be big trubble, undastand?


Pottsy: Aye, go for it.

Okay, dat not wot I sed to say but sod it, close enuf I gess. First question den, it a simple one. Halflings: why?

I've always had an affinity for races shorter than I am. Unfortunately, Dwarves are so slow a Kroxigor can finish a crossword in the time it takes them to score a touch down and when coaching Goblins I find the ref seems to be convinced that chainsaws don't count as lucky charms.

Mainly I coach Halflings because the food is great.

Do you fink it takes a speshully mental coach to.. oh hang on, dats not wot it sez ere. Do you fink it takes a speshul mentality to coach stunty teams in long tourneys like dis?

Not at all, I heard a fellow coach describe us Halfling coaches as... what was that word again? Masochists, that's it. I'm fairly certain it means one who has machismo.

Oh yeh, you meen dem Dark Elf stuffed toys wots all der rage? Tickle Me Machismo? I gess I a masochist too, I luv gettin me machismo tickled. Ow yous lot gettin on in der Crunch Cup so far den?

We did manage to win the first match of season. Somehow. And we are definitely keeping the momentum going. In our last match we only sustained three touch downs.

I wonted to ave a gud laff at your ecks-pence, but it not easy wen you do fings like winnin games. Tell us wot der bloody Nora appened dere?

Those Elves definitely seem unaccustomed to shorter players. I heard in another league they sustained heavy losses to Goblins. I also heard they're scared of spiders too.

Movin on from dem tubby buggers den. Pottsy, you known a bit round dese ere parts as one of de unluckiest coaches der Crunch Cup as eva seen. Do you reckon dis is true, an if so why?

I actually come from a long line of unlucky coaches and my luck is nowhere near as bad as theirs. Due to a scheduling conflict, my father’s Chaos team was pitted against a pre-teen amateur club... and lost 5-0. My grandfather, due to an oversight made by the commissioning committee, managed to coach two teams in the same league. First match of the season saw his teams playing against each other. Somehow both teams lost 2-0. He was killed by an angry, not to mention very confused, mob.

Apparently our luck stems from a curse placed on my great-great-grandfather, who had a one night stand with Nuffle's daughter.

My boss tell me I gotta stir up mor drama in my intarfiews. Get coaches talkin smak bout dere biggest Crunch Cup rivals. So I gotta ask ya: wheres der beef? Dun say a Halfling ate it neither, dats wot in my profeshun dey call dodging der question.

I wouldn't say I have grudge against any coach. Although I'm still irked that a grey Wizard that poached some of my players for a jewellery delivery service or some nonsense.

Well I ad to try, dint I? Funny, dis dont luk like my andwriting. Woteva, a question's a question: Ow many roads must a man walk down?

Isn't that a question better suited for a Human coach? Although I can tell you that in Halfling settlements you are never five minutes from a Gregory's Bakers. So I'd hazard a guess at three.

Who let de dogs out?

That had better not be a dig at the Amazon team I was coaching.

Should I stay or should I go?

Could you leave? I wasn't aware that I had a choice. You did kind of barge into my house uninvited and began interrogating me. Of course stay if you want, I don't want any trouble.

Fort you might say dat. I fink Gunnar's been messin wiv me Q cards. Okay, one more: why are Trolls de best at Blood Bowl?

They've got long arms so they can pass really well?

Feeditch de Troll

Contributors this week: Barmution, Barninho, Fallowheart, Gallows Bait, KenDon’tDodge, John McGuirk, Jrpeart, Juriel, Lebe666, LoopH0le, Nikolai II and Viajero.
 
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20phoenix

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The ball on the floor the Gobbos dodge through heavy traffic and get the ball. They still needed ages to clear away and score. Yet the fame of having a Bombardier accomplish this lasts forever.

Lebe

This is signature worthy material.

Younes Kaboom is something a bit special in a bombardier though - currently 3/3 in ball carrier hits if my selective memory is to be believed. A true star
 

danton

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Smashing edition of the Courier as per usual!

One question though, what do the red numbers in brackets next to some of the teams in the standings tables mean?
 
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