1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Human The Snapping Tendons – The(mostly forgotten)tales of men of ineptitude, incompetence and inadequacy

Discussion in 'Team Blogs' started by FemurMuertez, Jun 30, 2018.

  1. FemurMuertez

    FemurMuertez Active Member

    Messages:
    384
    Location:
    Finland
    Steam Username:
    FemurMuertez
    Cyanide Username:
    FemurMuertez
    Country Flag:
    ”Bullocks...” coach Muertez murmured to himself. ”I´ve started to write this shite a thousand times. And every time I get my scribblings ready to be published, the whole god damn team gets ripped apart and I have to start all over again. What´s the point of publishing an empty roster sheet?!” Muertez shouted at the team.

    “You could always write about me, I am after all the sole star of this team.” Said Emil Frej. “And I´ve been here since the team was founded.”

    Muertez drew air into his lungs and opened his mouth to answer, but at the same time Goran Hartmut walked behind Emil and gave him a “brotherly” slap with an open palm to the back of his head. Emils eyeballs rolled back and he tipped over with straight legs and was knocked out.

    “As have I, pencil neck. But I on the other hand don´t sleep through the whole match after being slapped to the head with an open hand. Hell, I almost even died once. But here I still am.” Goran grinned and looked at coach Muertez.

    “Goran. As hilarious as that is every single time, I need you to take some responsibility over the team. I consider you as a leader of a sort to this team. If you break him, we have to fight our way through the opposition. No more elfball. Do you understand?” coach Muertez asked.

    “I have no problem with that.” Goran answered with a shrug.

    "I know. And neither did Barb Aryan. Or that ogre, what was his name… Shite… Lurt Odd. Damn, I´ve lost so many players that I can´t even remember them anymore. Can you see the problem here?"

    "No."

    "Well, go figure. Pick Emil up and carry him to the field. He´s more agile unconscious than the rest of this team is awake!"

    “That is not entirely true.” Mike Iller said. “I´ve recently trained…”

    “Oh, shut up Mike!” Muertez shouted. “Your only job was to break things. Why the hell did you have to start training agility? The only thing I didn´t want you to do. Have you ever heard the phrase Nomen est omen?”

    "Uuhm, what?"

    "Mike Iller, My killer"

    "Why´d you say my name twice?"

    "Oh for fox sake. Everyone, pick up your gear. We have work to do."



    And so continues the story that has never actually even begun before. Or has, but was forgotten... Or atleast was forgotten to be published in time.
    But maybe this time, things will be different. Maybe this time, we will hear about the events of the Snapping Tendons.
     
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2018
    Supa, Ilgoth and TravelScrabble like this.
  2. FemurMuertez

    FemurMuertez Active Member

    Messages:
    384
    Location:
    Finland
    Steam Username:
    FemurMuertez
    Cyanide Username:
    FemurMuertez
    Country Flag:
    s14roster.png

    Player introductions:
    Coming soon... Maybe.

    Schedule:
    MD1: Lybaras Raiders / Khemri / TheSir
    Result: 1-1 / Stats


    MD2: Can I axe you sumtink? / Orc / Catastrophe

    MD3: Monster Destiny / Dark Elf / Shadow Runner

    MD4: Naggaroth Blues / Dark Elf / ihmisraunio

    MD5: Capering Oligarchs / Kislev / Troxbirds

    MD6: 1 Hit Wonders / Chaos / BoVice

    MD7: Master´s Army / Orc / L-Kid

    MD8: Red Eye Spidahs / Goblin / doohickey

    MD9: The Not so Superheroes / Skaven / Da Coach


    start roster.png

    Schedule:

    MD1: The Noble Orcs / Sengil89 (Orc)
    Result: 1-1 / Stats

    MD2: Chatioc Good / Mureahko (Chaos)

    MD3: Infernal Milky Way / Nuttyfessor (Dark Elf)

    MD4: Cluster Suckers / Durteef Basha (Vampire)

    MD5: Rural Brettonia / jrpeart (Bretonnian)

    MD6: Takametsän röllit / Stinker (Amazon)

    MD7: For Frogs Sake / Francach (Kislev Circus)

    MD8: Sherwood Forest United / Gdaynick (Ogre)

    MD9: The Killing Moons / Ravers (Necromantic)
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2019
    Ilgoth likes this.
  3. TravelScrabble

    TravelScrabble Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    7,194
    Location:
    Montreal, Canada (UTC -4)
    Steam Username:
    travelscrabble
    Cyanide Username:
    travelscrabble
    Country Flag:
    I love this team
     
    FemurMuertez likes this.
  4. Ilgoth

    Ilgoth Courier Staff

    Messages:
    2,159
    Location:
    Finland, GMT+2
    Steam Username:
    Ilgoth
    Cyanide Username:
    Ilgoth
    Country Flag:
    Great start for a blog! I add this to our fluff index.
     
    FemurMuertez likes this.
  5. FemurMuertez

    FemurMuertez Active Member

    Messages:
    384
    Location:
    Finland
    Steam Username:
    FemurMuertez
    Cyanide Username:
    FemurMuertez
    Country Flag:
    Chapter 1: The Reckoning

    "Allright ladies, gather up!" coach Muertez yelled. "Today we will go through our last match. For those of you that didn´t know, we made it to the Cabalvision HD stream, hosted by Ilgoth himself. Hoo-focking-ray. Now everyone has seen what a bunch of wussies we have here! Here, take a look yourselves!"

    The Snapping Tendons vs. Lybaras Raiders

    After an hour and a half...
    "Does anyone have anything to say?" coach Muertez asked. "Anyone?"

    Mike Iller stood up and said "Was a good match. Fought hard, nice draw. Well played guys." When he tried to sit down again, he stumbled. Emil Frej grabbed him by the arm but fell down with him. As they piled on each other, there was a loud thud as their heads banged together... And Emil was stunned.

    "Well, that last part pretty much sums it up." Muertez said. "WE COULD HAVE WON! Unless these two wouldn´t have tripped over on a pile of bones lying on the field. Literally, a pile of bones! Those trembling remains of former corpses barely even moved!"

    "Coach, aren´t they still corp---"

    "Really Mike?! That´s the part you actually picked up and understood? For fox sake!" Muertez yelled. "Yes, it is true that you two managed to make our touchdown happen. But is it too much to ask for two succesful plays in one match? And you all ran, oh boy did you run... You ran so fast and so far that you almost forgot that there was a match to attend to... To tell you the truth, I´m surprised to see you all alive after that match, that´s a given. But that kind of running won´t help against the next opponent."

    "Uhm, who are we playing against?" Emil started to come to his senses

    "Orcs. Team name is Can I axe you sumtink?" Muertez answered.

    "Oh, no..." Emil said and passed out again.

    A large ogre ran towards the team and yelled with a deep and loud voice, "I knows how to help mister Frej! I was almost an licensed apothecary before"

    "NO! Do not touch him!" Muertez yelled. "Team, meet our new tryout. @Supa Stitchous."

    "That... thing, is our apothecary?" Goran Hartmut asked.

    "Oh, hell no." Muertez said.

    "Not allowed anymoor." Stitchous said. "Had too much fun stitching things togetha... Dat´s where the name comes from. Dis one time I stitched an orc and an elf togetha from deir backs. Was fun to watch when dey understood wut had happened." Stitchous laughed suchs a mad laughter that the whole team stood up and took a step back. Then he stopped and lowered his voice, "Dat is not why I was kicked out. Dis last time I was working for a humie team... Had to put back togetha deir supastar... Was bad. Reely bad. Chest open ´n stuff. Den I notice this twitching thing in him and pulled it... It made a funny snapping sound when it came off. So I pulled another one. And another, and another... Den I had an idea... I... Borrowed his ribcage and attached dose parts to the ribcage. Har har har! U can make funny music with it, look!" The ogre took his bag and pulled out a ribcage, covered with muscles and tendons attached to it with stitches. "Ur coach said in de tavern last night dat it fits de team nam---"

    "Okay, no need to go into details Supa. Welcome!" Muertez interrupted.

    "You hired him, because he made an musical instrument out of a living mans ribcage, muscles and tendons?" Emil had barely regained consciousness.

    Muertez cackled like a mad man and then suddenly said with a serious tone "Well, yeah. It is quite fitting, isn´t it? The Snapping Tendons. And I assume that no one wants to get injured while he is around, right? That´s me giving you motivation to stay healty. Let´s go ladies, we have work to do!"
     
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2018
  6. Ilgoth

    Ilgoth Courier Staff

    Messages:
    2,159
    Location:
    Finland, GMT+2
    Steam Username:
    Ilgoth
    Cyanide Username:
    Ilgoth
    Country Flag:
    And people still unite to kill my elves, instead of hunting down these crazies... You all are beyond any medical help.
     
    FemurMuertez likes this.
  7. FemurMuertez

    FemurMuertez Active Member

    Messages:
    384
    Location:
    Finland
    Steam Username:
    FemurMuertez
    Cyanide Username:
    FemurMuertez
    Country Flag:
    Chapter 2: The Beginning is the end is the beginning

    It had been a long time since anyone had seen coach Muertez. Not that anyone really missed him, but he was kind of necessary for the team, being the coach and all. Actually, "necessary for the team" is a bit of an exaggeration... The team was registered under his name, so no one else
    was allowed to coach them... To tell the truth, they would have been better off without him.

    Nevertheless, here he was once again. Or what was left of him. He had been away a long time, continuing his search for the strongest of all drinks. The last time he was on his crusade, he had
    “accidentally” stumbled across a tankard of ale with a hint of crushed warpstone in it. He went into a coma for almost a month (nobody is sure if it was actually the warpstone or the team apothecary´s “healing skills” that caused it) and as a result he had lost pretty much all of his ability for empathy, logical thinking or understanding of causality... He had even allowed the team apothecary to let Emil Frej die because “the man was less fun to look at”... Needless to say, things weren't looking too bright for the team. Especially as it seemed that coach had found his new favourite drink during his latest journey... And was enjoying it constantly...


    It had also turned out that the team's ogre's IQ was quite a bit below average... Even at ogre standards. And the only thing that thing was able to hurt on the field was itself, now being more clumsier than ever…


    Needless to say, this time things will really be different. This time we will learn of cause and effect at first hand. Hopefully there is someone left to tell the tale... Or at the very least write the obituary...


    The Snapping Tendons were back once again... Atleast for a while.
     
    Borke, TravelScrabble and Supa like this.
  8. FemurMuertez

    FemurMuertez Active Member

    Messages:
    384
    Location:
    Finland
    Steam Username:
    FemurMuertez
    Cyanide Username:
    FemurMuertez
    Country Flag:
    MD1:
    Team was already on the field, going through their usual practice drills, getting ready for the match. Goran had tried to keep the team tightly together and practicing during their off season and to be honest, the team looked better than ever. Well, there was a slight lack of finesse in the team, but finesse wasn´t exactly Goran´s bread-and-butter anyway. The drills were interrupted by a large thud as coach Muertez made a magnificent entrance by falling down 15 feet from the stands to the reserves box. As the silence filled the arena, nobody was sure if they should check if he was still alive or if they should just let nature take it´s course and hope for the best… Which in this case was hoping for the worst.


    After a silence just long enough to put a smile on everyone´s face, their hopes were shattered by a little giggle and a rising hand holding a tankard filled to the brim. As usual, not a single drop had spilled from coach Muertez´s drink despite the fall. Muertez stood up and emptied the tankard with a single gulp. He then grabbed his nose that was pointing almost straight to his left and slowly turned it back to it´s original position with a sound that resembled grains of sand being crushed between cogwheels. He then grinned and shouted at the team:

    -Alright numb nuts, daddy´s home! Gather up! Your vacation is over!
    Hell, you guys look uglier than I remembered! Actually, I don´t even remember some of you…

    -Yeah coach, I got a few of my friends to join the team… Despite of the… earlier events. Goran explained.

    -Well, I´ll be damned. Glad to see that stupidity is a neverending reservoir. Welcome. I bet we have a place for you. If not right now, surely after the match.
    Muertez tried to remember which of them he remembered but then giggled and stopped even trying. With his new game plans there would be many new players in roster soon enough. Then he noticed someone. -Evilsmoothie! How come you are not dead yet? I was sure that if the team wouldn´t beat you up, the crowd would.

    -Turns out I really do have a knack for fouling. The team and crowd loves it. Evilsmoothie explained.

    -Well, shite. Life is full of surprises. Keep ´em coming. Maybe you´ll even pick up some new skills too. Glad to see a happy fellow standing in the line of scrimmage for once.

    -Wait, what---
    Evilsmoothie was interrupted by coach Muertez.

    -Today we play against orcs! I don´t care what you have practiced. I have a new game plan. And it is deep. Very deep. It is all wrapped around love. Our love for this game. Our love for violence. As much as I enjoy seeing death and not giving a damn about who dies, this time we will stand together. Stand together so you can cause pain as a team! Go on the field and give your life for the team! Ladies, tighten your corsets and strap your boots on! It´s time to bring those heels down on some green skins!

    Muertez started singing:
    Otherwise - Soldiers

    “It's time to strap our boots on
    This is a perfect day to die
    Wipe the blood out of our eyes
    In this life there's no surrender
    There's nothing left for us to do
    Find the strength to see this through


    We are the ones who will never be broken
    With our final breath
    We'll fight to the death
    We are soldiers

    We are soldiers!


    I stand here right beside you
    Tonight we're fighting for our lives


    Let me hear your battle cry!
    We are the ones who will never be broken
    With our final breath
    We'll fight to the death
    We are soldiers

    We are soldiers!

    We will not go unspoken
    No, we will not sleep
    We are not sheep
    We are soldiers, we are soldiers
    Yeah!

    We stand shoulder to shoulder You can't erase us, You'll just have to face us!
    We stand shoulder to shoulder You can't erase us, You'll just have to face us!

    We are the ones who will never be broken
    With our final breath
    We'll fight to the death
    We are soldiers


    We are soldiers!

    We are the ones who will not go unspoken
    No, we will not sleep
    We are not sheep
    We are soldiers

    We are soldiers!


    Yeah!

    We are Soldiers!”



    Evilsmoothie shook his head and murmured
    -Shite, he has completely lost it… We are all going to die…

    ------------------------
    After match...
    Result:1-1

    - Well, shite. That didn´t go as intended. Has to be because you didn´t embrace your love for violence! Coach Muertez yelled at the team. Then he took a deep breath and continued:
    -Only two players managed to surprise me. Evilsmoothie, you little weasel. Never believed that you could get your skinny foot past that orc armor. But apparently a bony leg hurts more when you stick it up in... Well, anyway, good job! That orc is not going to walk straight ever again. Just remember to wash your boot... And Gerhart! My man! You are almost as brave as your brother Emil was, but apparently not quite as stupid. You didn´t sacrifice yourself for the team, but it sure looked like that for a second! Going against three orcs alone, never thought you could survive that. Well, maybe they´ll get you next time! Hah hah hahaaa! Don´t worry guys, next match is going to be easy. Only a few chaos warriors here and there... Heh heh... Muertez giggled and emptied his tankard... It was time to start fueling up for the next match.
     
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2019
    Supa likes this.
  9. FemurMuertez

    FemurMuertez Active Member

    Messages:
    384
    Location:
    Finland
    Steam Username:
    FemurMuertez
    Cyanide Username:
    FemurMuertez
    Country Flag:
    MD2:
    "Alright ladies! No need to practice. You go there and murder those furry horned bastards! And while you are at it, knock down a few chaos warriors too. I wanna see how deep that Evilsmoothies foot can go." Coach Muertez shouted.

    "But coach, you do realize that we are missing a couple key players here? I have no problem smashing some heads, but I´m not sure if the others have it in them... Being... Well... They are more of a spindleshanks and pencil necks than built for fighting..." Goran tried to approach the problem in such a way that even coach Muertez would understand the problem.

    Muertez yelled at Goran: "It is the love that empowers us!" Muertez had to take a long gulp from his tankard to avoid hitting Goran with it... Not that Muertez would have had anything against it, he just didn´t want to spill his drink.

    "Might be, might be" Goran answered. "But for example those two, Gerhart and Evilsmoothie. Two sled strings raped by the frost... They... Well... It could work... If they are into whipping..." Goran grinned.

    Muertez bursted out laughing and spat all of his drink on Goran. "Now, that´s some true love right there!" Muertez said. "That is why you are the captain of this team. Now guys, go out there and kick some ass! And I mean that literally Evilsmoothie!"

    -------------
    After match...
    Result: 1-2 loss

    "Oh hell... Pointy-ears next. You little no good numb nuts. You had the win in your hands. Should have known that it was a mistake to hire more of those weaklings... You are fired!" Coach Muertez yelled and took a sip from his tankard and continued muttering "Can´t get any worse than this... And I have a score to settle with those pointy-ears..."
     
    TravelScrabble and Supa like this.